Do you want job reports?
Do you want sports scores
Television Opinions (other than wrestling)
And an explaination about my Memorial Day?
NO!
NO YOU DON’T!
YOU WANT RAW
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T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
This Monday Night Rabble has been brought to you by:
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Monday Night Rabble Dot Com – ATTACK OF THE ME!
That’s right – we’re here – and we have WWE’s entire Rabble of new GM’s here. An entire ‘Palooza of Intense Pop Culture Propegators. A distinctly divine dealing of destructive debasement. We are the masters of Monday mayhem. We are…
JENNA – Attackable Attorcious
HERNANDEZ – Disgustingly Devious
BILL – Hardcore Hateful
DANI – Unadulterated Evil
CHRIS – A Beautiful Bastard
And me… Your Villainous Voice
Hey – it’s Memorial Day – And this show is dedicated to armed forces.
“PANDERING!” – Chris
Apparently also WWE is also 9/11 Day….
“See No Evil?” – Dani
“Vince.. American as Apple Pie” – Chris
So that opener sucked the fun out of the room…
“That’s not fair there was no fun in this room.” – Bill
As Vince comes down though – we get a new GM – and Kenny vs. Trips – Heyman meeting Foley in a talking faceoff.
Vince seems happy to be here. A few weeks ago he WASN’T happy though. Why? Because a member of his family suffered at the hands of Triple H.
“..and I just watched Godfather III.” – Me
Trips exclaimed it was an accident.
“Much like what Stephanie is having?” – Hernandez
Vince explains that Shawn was taken out by the Spirit Squad – specifically the Pillmanization of his leg. Vince has a word for Shawn Michaels, since he’s sitting at home.
“Shawn, I know you are upset – Shawn do you hear the people calling you. I know you are hurt, and you are upset. I know you have to go under the knife, nonetheless, even though you won’t be back in action – you will have a place here in the WWE…. “
He actually kind of really means it – even though it’s said sarcastically. Then Vince goes after Trips further after he went after the Spirit Squad last week. So who does Triple H think he is? We will find out as he faces the 20 year old Kenny of the Spirit Squad.
Now it is time for Vince’s new Executive Assistant……
“Candice?” – Hernandez
Jonathan Coachman
“Worse…” – Bill
Coach announces some matches for tonight:
Cena will be in action facing a man he has never faced before…
“Chloacus?” – Me
Tonight there will be a #1 Contenders match:
Edge vs. Big Show
The winner faces the Champ at Vengence.
And IC Title – Shelty vs. Kane
He panders to Vince – and Vince wants to see Triple H in a minute. Then a match!
SHELTY vs. KANE!
No Title Changing Hands
“Come on – hit the pyro so we know you’ll win.. your movie covered production costs.” – Hernandez
Kane starts off with a boot to Shelty’s face – A clothesline – and then Kane throws Shelton out of the ring hard. Benjy holds onto the edge, then another boot sends him to the outside…
COMMERCIAL (One – 9:13)
Hey – we’re back! And Shelty’s got the chinlock on Kane..
“He saw his movie numbers – and now he’s depressed..” – Chris
“So much for that Disney contract” – Hernandez
So finally he rolls Shelton out of it – stands and eats a superkick. Shelton takes a minute to refocus and Kane sits up – Boot – clothesline – corner attack – sideslam! Nice solid action between the two. Kane climbs up to the top rope and HITS the flying chop. Kane sets up for the chokeslaaaaammm…
“DQ Time?” – Chris
“Big Show?” – Hernandez
Shelty actually HIPTOSSES out of the chokeslam! Rolls into a pin… puts his legs up on the rope.. for TWO. Nice, if not messy. Kane picks him up for the tombstone! REVERSED INTO A DDT!
Again, sloppy… so Shelty pushes him into the corner, charges with the Benjy-Splash! He climbs up onto Kane and is going for the 10 fists o’ doom… but…. NO! BIG BIG BIG CHOKESLAM sends Shelty down hard!
RED LIGHTS! KANE MASK! LIGHTNING!
AND HERE COMES JUSHIN LIG…. I MEAN KANE!
In his old music and all….
“Is that GnR’s Own Buckethead?” – Chris
So now Kane vs. Kane in the ring…
“Shades of Taker vs. Taker..” – Me
“Sgt. Kabukiman?” – Chris
“..sooo.. I guess Shelton loses by DQ?” – Bill
So chokeslam from Kane^2 – and we’re done. Kane^2 hits pyro and leaves… a long long march up.
“Just a good a time as any for a commercial break..” – Hernandez
“Yeah god knows we want to see THIS and not wrestling.” – Bill
COMMERCIAL (Two – 9:22)
“I’m shocked at what we just saw” – JR
“Yeah.. me too? How could you AIR that!?” – Me
So in the back Coach is asking Carlito where Trips is.. he has no idea. Coach asks Alejandro, and he wants Coach to know something about his new job…
“MY NAME IS ALEJANDRO AL..” ..whatever.. he offers his help to Coach, and Coach doesn’t care so much. Viscera blindsides Alejandro.
In the back Vince finally meets with Triple H.
“Wait.. wasn’t Coach looking for him?” – Hernandez
Trips wants to know if they have a problem since he made Show & Edge have the #1 Contendership match. So since Kenny got in his way – he gets to face him – and since he doesn’t like the Squad SO much – Vince makes it a ‘SPIRIT JACK’ match… yay lumberjacks.
COMMERCIAL – (Three 9:31)
Right now it’s time for V…iscera…
“UCH!” – Me
Bill is popping for Viscera
“I HAVE TO – CHRIS MASTERS IS GONE!” – Bill
Viscera vs. Umaga
Uch…
Before Visc gets down to the ring – Umaga charges in and elbows him down. DDTs him and punches him in the face. Umlaut rolls him in – hits the top rope – Big Splash.
“HEY! It’s over..” – Hernandez
Garbanzo hits him with the Thumb Poke.
WINNER: JUMBALAYA
“I can’t believe he just.. hits him with his thumb..” – Dani
“Watch it! I have a thumb too..” – Chris
Hey – we now get to see some SEE NO EVIL footage…
“We are forty minutes into the show… suck” – Hernandez
In the back Torie is there with a Tigger handpuppet… WAIT.. NO THAT IS THE DOG IN A TIGGER OUTFIT!??!
“*unincomprehensable squealing*” – Dani
“So wait – what’s the other chick’s name?” – Me
“Failed Plot Device…. oh, Beth.” – Hernandez
So Torie, Beth, and Trish are all headed to the ring..
COMMERCIAL (Four 9:40)
So the girls are on their way down… and it seems that it’s Torrie and Beth in this match.
“*incomprehensible jibbering about dogs in tigger costumes*” – Dani
TORRIE & BETH PHOENIX vs. CANDICE & VICTORIA
Breasts. Little else.
Now though Victoria and Candice with Mickie…. and in a pleated number with a handlebar pigtails… MICKIE wins the LECH AWARD.
“Aww Victoria’s in her Fly Girl hat.” – Dani
“Living Colour has been off for years though..” – Jenna
So Beth starts up with Victoria. They go fist to fist – Beth throws Victoria to the ropes and catches her for a sideslam. Tag to Torrie and a double chop.
Torrie tosses Victoria to the corner – hits a flying clothesline. Torrie then goes and gives her a Stinkface…. umm.. yeah. Victoria though comes up and is pissed, I mean wouldn’t you be? Yeah – thought so. So she slams down Torrie – tags in Candice who climbs up to the top and does a fairly decent leap onto Candice.
Elbow to Torrie – Snapmare – and a tag to Victoria who leaps over the top and Torrie rolls out of the way to hit the hot tag. Candice back in the ring who eats a few clotheslines. A bad suplex thingy from Beth – a Sitdown slam – Beth wins!
“I like that Candice gave her the leg so she could hook it.” – Dani
“Either that or Beth is full of Mitachlorians” – Bill
WINNER: BETH & TORRIE
COMMERCIAL (Five 9:51)
WWE at the 10pm hour gives us another Memorial Day Bringdown…
A note from Hatton: Where I understand patriotism… I don’t want it during my wrestling.
“We just jumped back an hour in time.” – Hernandez
Hey we’re back and Lawler is making fun of ECW… as a matter of fact, he’s making fun of Tazz. Hey and here comes RVD…
RVD gets on mic… oooooo tension.
Hey and who is here?? Someone Cena has never faced. Someone never on Raw.
IT’S JOHNNY NITRO w/ MELINA! As a note – I mark for fuzzy jackets with LCD scrolls on it.
“Everyone remembers Nitro, right?” – Hernandez
“Ted Turner does..” – Me
JOHNNY NITRO vs. JOHN CENA
Introductory Squash
They stare off for a bit – then Cena hits him hard – and throws him to the corner and knocks the snot out of him.
“..I saw the snot.. it was knocked..” – Bill
Cena charges in at him – but he leaps through the middle rope – hits the top rope for a double leg dropkick – then a handplant leg drop. I’m liking Johnny Nitro!
“I’m liking his boots – and such lovely highlights!” – Chris
Punches from Nitro – then an elbow by Cena – and it’s the fist to fist time. Cena hits the clothesline – Nitro misses his clothesline – SPINEBUSTER. Five knuckle shuffle.
Cena hits the FU… and the STFU… and That is That.
WINNER: JOHN CENA
(Who – as a note – is getting half pop)
“So what did I miss?” – Dani
“Cena doing the same old shit..” – Chris
RVD and CENA make eyes outside the ring. RVD gets to the ring apron and as they start to exchange words – Nitro charges in and gets TOSSED into RVD.
“Hey – and look who is going to ECW!” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL (Six – 10:04)
Hey – podiums!
“Hey! Talking!” – Bill
Mick already here with Heyman.
Foley is upset that he was called a prostitute – to which he says.. Guilty.
If you tuned in to see some men of principals watching to see men take stands.. you are in the wrong place. The only difference between the ECW Mick and the WWE Mick is that I traded in a no nothing pimp like YOU – for a billion dollar pimp like VINCE! Edge and I, the proud coholders of the Hardcore Championship will be facing Terry Funk and Tommy Dreamer – I don’t see how you get off on telling us that they are what is Hardcore is all about. Not when me and Edge showed you all on WM what Hardcore is all about. Best of luck with your Mick Foley rip offs.”
“Wow, I really miss what you described Mick – your comments would be a lot more biting to me if they didn’t come from a guy who wrestled his entire life as a Terry Funk rip off”
“I will admit that Terry Funk was the greatest wrestler I ever saw. I will admit that Tommy Dreamer was as tough and had as much heart as any wrestler I’ve ever been with – but they didn’t have the guts to do what I di–
“Take a sock out of his jock and make Vince laugh when he was in the hospital. Hey Mick, how many shots at the WWE title did you get before you took the sock out of your shorts?
“The gutsiest move I ever made was moving out of my comfort zone – and moving to a big place where I became one of the biggest stars this industry has ever seen. You hate me because I have the audicity to realize what everybody else realized eventually. The ECW road ended in four ways… a drunk… a drug addict… a criminal.. or a corpse.. and you resent me because I rose above it.
“My problem isn’t what you accomplished. My problem is what you’ve become. You’ve become a whore! It goes like this. At ECW One Night Stand – you will experience with Edge that Tommy and Terry are more than capable to live up to the standards you set back in ECW, but surpass the standards you set with Edge at Wrestlemania. While you are there, please pay attention to the new standard for ECW… we won’t have just the tables and flaming and all of that.. we’ll have some of it, but we will have even more. Also Vince has given me two draft picks – one from each show.
“OH LET ME GUESS YOUR RAW pick.. Rob Van Dam. The only reason RVD liked the old ECW stuff so much was because he was a high flyer.
“Kool-Aid comes in many flavors, and when RVD comes down to the ECW ring and beats Cena and renames the WWE championship the ECW championship…. you will see what the new VISION for ECW is going to be.
Paul then introduces the Smackdown draft pick…
KURT MOTHER FUCKING ANGLE!
Kurt runs in and spears down Foley! Beats the piss out of him! Bill called it! Angle slam! Heavens to Mergatroid… that was fantastic. And Kurt is wearing a mouthpiece that says VIOLENCE…. MARKING! SO MARKING!
Next –
“Lita’s tits..” – Bill
“..and Big Show’s tits..” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL – (Seven – 10:20)
This Week In Wrestling History –
Andre The Giant – June 1st, 1971 – made his debut in a wrestling ring.
And hey – here’s something to piss off wrestling fans..
Here comes the Big Show!
And here comes Edge!
“..He can see clearly…. now that he stepped out of the dry ice!” – Chris
EDGE vs. BIG SHOW
Probably Edge…
Big show goes after Edge – who ducks it and throws some fists – eats a headbutt.. and falls.
Show chops the hell out of him. Show stands on him for awhile. He hits the ropes and Lita tries to trip him, so he rolls Lita into the ring – but Edge cheapshots him and Lita bails. Edge hits the ropes – leaps into his arms – and gets dropped onto the turnbuckle.
Show goes after him – and Edge leaps off and chokes him down on the rope.. but as Edge hits the top rope – Show throws him back down… as Show charges – drop toe hold sends him to the turnbuckle – and a HUGE DDT to Show.
Edge sets up the spear… but Show catches him neck first – swings and the ref gets in the way… Edge bails – gets a chair – and Show punches it out of the way. Lita low blows him and as the ref is getting Lita out of the ring – Show gets KWANGED with the chair – Speared – Lost.
WINNER: EDGE
“Non DQ at least…” – Chris
“Lame” – Hernandez
And hey it’s MORE SEE NO EVIL CRAP!?!??!?!?!?!
“The best part of tonight’s show was been the debate.” – Hernandez
“Maybe it’s more sad that we’re here… watching it..” – Me
“Is that our lesson? Is that what we get for being here?” – Bill
“Yes, and NOT at a BBQ…” – Me
“Maybe the writers are at a BBQ?” – Bill
COMMERCIAL (Eight – 10:35)
In the back – Vincey is talking with Hunter… he wishes Trips the best of luck as he walks out with his sledgehammer
“Good god look at the size of your friend” – Vince
“If I wasn’t watching this on the screen – I might not think what’s going on” – Hernandez
“Hey.. the friend that impregnated Stephanie” – Hernandez
So Vince takes away the sledgehammer.
“Hey, you fixed the game!” – Hernandez
“That joke was awesome.. Jamie put it in” – Bill
“I did.” – Me
“It’s Bill Tested.. Mother Approved. Your mother.” – Bill
COMMERCIAL (Nine – 10:43)
In the ring – The Spirit Squad! They Cheer. They still suck at cheering.
Here comes Kenny though – who trampopolines into the ring!
KENNY vs. TRIPLE H
..since Shawn’s hurt..
It’s tiime to plaaay the gaaame (As a note: 10:48…)
And his intro is over…. (As a note: 10:51…)
Trips throws Kenny around – HUGE clothesline. Kenny thumbs him in the eye – and then punches Trips around – but Trips hits the Heiney.. and gets distracted by some other Spirit Squadders – turns to Pedigree Kenny, but MIkey distracts the ref as Mitch stops him.
On the outside – Trips throws Mikey to the stairs and stops someone jumping on the Trampopoline – and we are in a cleared ring and Trips stands alone.
COMMERCIAL (Ten – 10:52)
In the ring – Trips is beating up Kenny… shocker.
Trips gets thrown outside and now we have the mega beatdown – including a badly done trampopoline bulldog – then a gangrape. They throw in Trips to be rolled up by Kenny – for two. Now Kenny distracts the ref as there is more Squad-distraction. Finally Kenny charges Trips int he corner – and Trips moves! Only to leave the ref distracted for Johnny to hit the LONNNNNNNNNNNG set up for the Johnny-Go-Round and a two count from Kenny.
So back outside Triple H gets more beatdowns…. and now Kenny goes for the Shawn-style superkick. Trips ducks it and a BIG high angle DDT.
“Of COURSE he missed – Trips KNOWS that move” – Hernandez
Now fist to fist they go – and as Trips gets tossed in the corner – the other Spirit Squad pull him down – wrap some leg on the corner – and Kenny clips the leg for two. A knee roll onto Trips for two. Now Kenny removes the kneepad…. and a Kenny legdrop set-up – but as SS-GUY holds Trips’ leg, he kicks out, hits Kenny who hits the turnbuckle.
WE GET IT.. HE’S NOT LOSING….
Trips hits the kneedrop – clothesline –
“Finally sells the knee injury… a little” – Bill
Charges in to hit Kenny – and gets a boot.. as Kenny runs in on him – he eats a spinebuster – and once again, his leg doesn’t hurt. Goes for the Pedigree – Spirit Squad charges in – Trips fights them – turns – Hits the Pedigree..
“POP A QUAD!” – Hernandez
WINNER: TRIPLE H
“..but loses the war..” – Bill
As the Spirit Squad go and beat the hell out of him. Kicks to the gut. Thrown to the table. Finally Trips finds a sledgehammer! OOOOOoooo…..*yawn*
He charges in to the ring and takes on all comers.. read: none.
“Walking Tall – Part Two” – Michael
Here comes Vince though – who invites Trips to join the Kiss My Ass club …
So – what did we all think?
Erik – “*shrugs – eyes Bill warily* When the debate spot trumps the main event?”
Bill – “I called Kurt Angle…”
Jenna – “It blew…”
Chris – “I didn’t watch it.. f*ck it.”
Dani – “What wrestling.. I was checking out vintage porn..”
Me – “Yeah, what they said… “
So before I give you Penny’s Candy – remember to check me and Hernandez out on Wednesday for the second ever RABBLECAST! That’s an mp3 where we talk about wrestling! Like you haven’t heard enough of my dumbass already.
I only caught a couple portions of the live Raw tonight, so I’m going to focus on the head-shaking moment that opened the show.
So we’re back in 1994 apparently. It’s nice to see Brian Lee getting work again, but does it always have to be as a copy of someone else?
Actually of course I have no clue who The Memory of Kane is. My wife is betting on it being involved Taker somehow. I SUPPOSE it could be that his beating at Dahlip’s hands a few weeks back made him snap a bit and start tormenting Kane, and then getting his ass kicked at JD pushed him completely over the edge, but I don’t think so.
For one, whoever the guy is was a bit clumsy. He was OBVIOUSLY nervous. For another, Marc is an inch and a half shorter than Glen. Kane-a Cola Classic was actually a little taller than Glen it looked like. The hair could be a wig I guess, but if not, it definately ain’t Marc’s greaseball biker locks. So who could it be?
Well, they HAVE been looking for something for Testicle to do since re-hiring him. And he is if I recall about that height and build. The problem with that theory is that Kane X has to be unmasked at some point to reveal who he is and why he’s screwing with Kane I’s mind, and really, Test has shit for Mic skills and no logical reason to do it to begin with. Which takes us back to Taker.
I just can’t see Marc doing it tho. Makes no sense. So for now my theory is that this is a third, heretofore unknown Taker sibling, out for revenge because Kane forgot him and buried his past. Except it would STILL require involvement from Marc. Or at least re-hiring Percy.
Oh Creative, what ARE you fat has-been bastards smoking, and where the f*ck can I get some?
Til next week I’m Penny. And Hyatte is my wife’s bitch.
AND THAT’S THAT… WE’LL SEE YA NEXT WEEK KIDS!
