In Memoriam I: Bob Mathias. Honestly, if, today, the World’s Greatest Athlete was a seventeen-year-old kid, wouldn’t you immediately want to know what the results of his steroid test was? A symbol of innocence for all time.
In Memoriam II: Warren Mitofsky. But his death has a margin of error of four percent.
In Memoriam III: Steve Irwin. Okay, it has to be said: the stingray that killed him deserves a medal. Damn, he was annoying as hell.
In Memoriam IV: Andre Agassi’s career. At least we can take solace that he lost to a German named Becker. Wrong one, of course, but it only seems oddly appropriate. Thanks, Andre, but I have this weird feeling that either you or Steffi will get sick of having both of you hanging around the house and one of you will come back to play doubles within a year.
In Memoriam V: Marshall Field’s. Fuck you, Macy’s. We don’t want Macy’s here. We want Marshall Field’s. Glad you’ve been inundated by Field’s credit card holders cutting up their new Macy’s cards and sending them back to you. Keep your pisshole Noo Yawk off of State Street, motherf*ckers.
Okay…last week, Semi-Regular Chris Arrington wrote and asked me, Is there anything more scary to a bunch of white people in a sport than Tiger Woods on a role? My response to this was simple: it’s not only scary to the bunch of white people. Look at what’s happened to Vijay since last year’s Open Championship. And then, just so Fate can prove me right yet again, along comes the Deutsche Bank. Veej shot a 61 in the third round. Normally, when you have one of the world’s best players shoot a 61 on the weekend at any tournament, it’s lights f*cking out. Not this time. All Tigger did was yawn, go out, and nail a perfect 63 in the final round for a two-stroke win and a big f*ck you to Veej for what happened here two years ago, when Veej won and took away Number One from him for a short time. That’s five in a row, pull the joker out of the deck box and add it in, go past Lord Byron and start on the way to Arnie.
Gary Van Sickle had a good column over at si.com about when he’s going to Do It. Van Sickle thinks that Major Number Nineteen could come as soon as the 2009 US Open at Bethpage. No, that’s too soon. I know it, and most of all, Tigger knows it. He wants the grandest possible circumstances, and right now, he can win at will, something I don’t see changing. The date I have circled and the date that Tigger probably has circled? The 2011 Masters. It’s the 25th anniversary of Jack’s final victory, after all. He’ll have to bust a little ass to do this, but on that Sunday, I see him claiming his seventh green jacket, his nineteenth major, and his 83th PGA Tour victory, grabbing all the records that matter to him at once. And no one can stop him. Now that scares this white guy.
What also scares this white guy is this little fact: On Sunday, the casualties from the Junta’s illegal, immoral war against Iraqi civilians surpassed the number of people killed on September 11th. Now tell me that this was worth it, neocons.
Sometimes, all you need to do is state the facts to make your point. And one fact is that we’ve got some of the best writers in town, and with V3 coming your way in only a couple of weeks, get acquainted with them…
THE PIMP SECTION
Lucard can’t make up his mind where his column goes this week. First it’s filed under Games, then Moodspins…who knows where it’ll land up next?
No, Vinny, it’s fitting that ECW is on Sci-Lie because that seems to be the place where old shows go to get resurrected (see Galactica, Battlestar and Who, Doctor).
Memo to Penny: No, there’s nothing involved with testosterone, homophobia, bi-curiousness (the latter two you claim in your e-mail to me; to paraphrase Trip, there’s lots of things bi I am, but curious is not one of them), or anything like that when I discuss Jeffykins or Cena. I don’t think they’re entertaining, that’s all. And that’s coming from someone who spent twenty years as an actor, so I know how to entertain people and what entertains people; thus, I have more of a clue than you do about this (as well as knowing more gay people than you do, especially if you add on the four years I spent in Army Medical; you don’t survive in those milleus by being a homophobe, so that claim goes out the window too). I don’t have to be involved in “the business” to know what good entertainment is all about, because I was in the business of entertaining people for a long time. It just wasn’t in a wrestling ring. And I am certainly not jealous of them; what is there to be jealous about?
You are part of Jeffykins’ target audience. Due to his decay in talent, his target audience has boiled down to two areas: 1) women who don’t know any better and 2) the GLBT community. You qualify in both, Penny.
So go find another justification for my legitimate dislike, one that might actually apply. Maybe you’ll be taken seriously.
Oy. To quote Cy Tolliver, “Lord, let me understand cunt.”
Paul is sort of right. Corporate Radio usually does suck, but sometimes they do things right. For instance, the Lite Rock station here in Chicago that plays non-stop disco every weekend. Unfortunately, it ends up being the same damn songs every weekend.
That brings me to a point that I couldn’t really fit in anywhere else. Over Labor Day, one of the oldies stations here in town did a One-Hit Wonder Weekend, celebrating acts that only scored one chart hit. So, I’m driving home Saturday night, they do the One-Hit Wonder bumper, and what starts playing? “Gloria”. Okay, technically, they’re right, but spiritually? Look, if your group only had one hit but your lead singer ends up in the Rock ‘n Roll Hall Of Fame, you’ve forfeited your One-Hit Wonder status, simple as that.
So what do I want to talk about? I’ll give everyone some more opportunity to submit suggestions into my little query from last week and write the best up next week (for those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, here‘s the link; just scroll down) due to a general feeling of malaise and exhaustion (no shit that I’m still looking for another job). And, of course, there’s no news yet again. No surprise, it’s a holiday and all here, and everyone’s still barbecuing or whatever to pay attention to anything happening. So it’s yet another week that this column boils down to Raw and nothing else. Fuck, if there isn’t any news soon, I may have to end up contributing to Hatton’s column.
Oh, wait, there is something to discuss…
IMPACT SOMEWHAT SPOILED
Yep, TNA did their tapings. Huzzah, that should save this column. Well, somewhat. Let’s see what’s going to hit your screens on Thursday night for the next couple of weeks…
Let’s see, an interesting eight-man takes place which actually pairs up NAO with Shark Boy and Norman Smiley. They will not only lose this match, but it will be an Angle Advancement Match for the AMW break-up.
The official announcements of Jarrett/Joe in the fans’ lumberjack match and Christian/Rhiyno will be made on this week’s show. The rest of the matches for the PPV will be, as usual, ad hoc or dubbed in during post-production audio. Except for one match: Shane Douglas announces during an Xplosion promo that in order to get their title match back, the Naturals will have to “defeat seven teams” at No Surrender. So now we know what the boys who aren’t in the good matches are going to be involved in. Presumably it’s a gauntlet match.
Earl Hebner will get his job back (and will be able to change clothes and take a shower), but Larry Z won’t. Tch tch.
Ron Killings will be jobbing on his way out. Monty Brown, however, won’t really be jobbing per se, but he’ll be involved in an Angle Advancement Match, which might be worse.
To show you how far the X Division has descended, they’ve come up with something new for Sabin, Dutt, and Lethal: a “Jackass”-inspired gimmick. Just beat me senseless, now, I beg you.
After blowing their wad with the Ten Thousand Thumbtacks Match, they’ve now officially run out of ideas for Spike, so you know what that means: a turn, and a feud with Raven. You still haven’t beaten me senseless.
Oh, yeah, these shows will be a thrill to cover. Fortunately, I’m already in that mood knowing that Raw kicks off with a Jeffykins/Nitro match…
THE SHORT FORM
Jeffykins over Johnny Nitro, Intercontinental Title Match (DQ, Melina-ference): Or so I think. Obviously, I was doing other things than paying attention to this mess. It might have been nice and appealed to the more stupid in the audience, but, really, the only thing that made this match worth watching in the first place was Melina, and she wasn’t competing in it. Screw both of them. The IC strap hasn’t meant anything in a long time anyway, so why not continue this trend by having these two non-entities fight over it? Fuck it.
Super Crazy over Gym Bunny (Pinfall, moonsault): Apparently the plan is for Wellness Program victims to get their ring rust off against each other. Weird to see Crazy over on Raw, though; you’d think that if they brought him back, it would be to ECW, where he’d be a part of an ECW Originals faction. However, with no secondary belt, no tag belt, and no Tajiri to do Three-Way Dances with him and Guido, he’d be a bit lost there. Hopefully this is the start of an IC-level push for Crazy, who was unfairly denied his secondary belt shot on Smackdown. He’s better than either of the sacks of shit that are fighting over the secondary strap on Raw right now. And for that matter, better than the sack of shit that’s holding the secondary belt on Smackdown right now too.
Rory McAllister and Robbie McAllister over Viscera and Charlie Haas and Trevor Murdoch and GarriLance Cade, Triple Threat Tag Number One Contenders’ Match (Pinfall, Robbie pins Haas, blinked and missed it): Booking 101 rears its ugly head again. You’ve got heel tag champs. You’ve got one face team up against two heel teams in the contenders’ match. So who wins the match? Duh. And the match was too inconsequential and short to matter (fortunately, it was also too inconsequential and short to be offensive). Unfortunately for all of us, the Highlanders are going to be the beneficiary of their need to break up the Spirit Squad. Expect a change in belt-holders a couple of weeks from now.
Edge, Randy Orton, and Lita over John Cena, Carly Colon, and Trish Stratus (Pinfall, Lita pins Stratus, Orton RKO): Meh. I’m serious. Meh. I care about Trish. I sorta care about Edge. But the other four could vanish off the face of the Earth right now and I wouldn’t miss them. So, I only paid attention to one-third of this match, the third that Trish wrestled, specifically. Oh, how we’re gonna miss her. Because of her, women have to work stiff now, and that’s improved women’s wrestling greatly. Of course, she’s following Fit Finlay’s philosophy to the letter, but she’s been his best student, and thanks to her looks, personality and skill, she’s been able to get that philosophy over to the idiots in the audience. So full credit to her. I’ll get into this thing a little more after the PPV.
Getting Priorities Straight: So Trish, the most important woman in wrestling in the last decade (and that includes Sytch, Sable, and Chyna), is getting set to hang them up. It was such a well-known fact on the Net that they decided to go public with it instead of keeping it from the audience. In her last match, she’ll be going up against the foe that symbolizes her career more than anyone, Lita. And this feud is playing second fiddle to one featuring Orton and Carly? Tell me if that’s remotely fair to anyone involved. What’s not remotely fair to me, though, is making me prevaricate on requesting to review Open Season or to force me to watch pimps for Flex’s new bomb. Now that’s undeserved punishment for a non-existent crime.
Rare Missteps: The transition promo didn’t do much to enhance the Unforgiven match. However, it didn’t have to. It’s HitC, it’s got Michaels, it’s going to be good no matter who else is in there. So, despite Shane becoming better and better on the mic with each passing week, this was an excuse to grab a smoke.
Memo To Osama: You’re starting to get waaaaaay too much into this role, buddy. You’re slurring your words to the point to being incomprehensible. Since I have to deal with this shit from my employees five days a week, I don’t appreciate it. So enunciate a little more and stop doing a Ming the Merciless impression, okay?
Oh, to hell with it. I’m gonna keep this short, because my weekend ends early and I have to haul ass. I’ll try to get a Short Form in this weekend, but it’s a little problematic with my schedule. Just be patient. Things will straighten out soon. They’d better, because this is going to be a f*cking race between my sanity and getting my medical insurance. I just know it.