Contradicting Popular Opinion :
An Enquiry Concerning Why Your Favorite Movie Sucks
Intro
It comes to my attention that there as many buttons on the remote to my DVD player as there are keys on my laptop.
Okay, so maybe that is a bit of a exaggeration, but not by that much. There are 85 keys on my laptop; there are 51 buttons on my dvd remote. 51. It isn’t a universal remote; it only works the DVD player. It doesn’t control the TV or the VCR or my toaster or my Cake albums.
51 buttons.
Man.
DVDs – What is, and what should never be…
It seems to me that DVD technology is growing stagnant. We generally only see a couple of variations of the standard DVD extras. There are the various “making of” documentaries, promo pieces, trailers, commentaries, music videos, and if you are lucky maybe a Pop-up Video style subtitle system.
There is much room for improvement.
The only interesting DVD I’ve seen all year was for Final Destination 3, which I reviewed (see: The DVD Lounge). The finalest Destination had a “choose their fate” feature which aspired to make the movie a DVD CYOA. Mostly, it was just a slightly more interesting way to watch alternate/deleted scenes, but the effort was appreciated.
As the fella says, everyone complains about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. To remedy this thing, I’ve decided to brainstorm out a couple of ideas, a couple of new features for the next batch of DVD releases.
You can thank me later, Sony (just not with one of your wretched PSPs).
NEW FEATURE IDEA 1
Many DVDs these days offer various audio tracks. Usually though, you only get English, maybe French and maybe Spanish. Screw that! I want Turkish! Turkish sounds all sing-songy, and relaxes me. It’s like listening to an old Beatles interview. It’s pretty even though I don’t catch what they are saying.
AND It’s not like the dialogue matters with half of directors these days anyway. I betcha Transporter 2 would become a watchable movie if it were in Turkish.
But why stop there, you know? You haven’t seen A Touch of Evil until you’ve seen it in Klingon! ( Guess I should say “heard” in lieu of “seen” but so it goes.) There should be a “Jive” language track for Sir Laurence Olivier’s Hamlet. Or maybe there should be an alternate language track that converts the dialogue of any given film to the style of Deadwood. I’d like to see those dalmatians call Cruella De Vil a cock-sucker.
(A side note here: the Galaxyquest DVD does have an alien language audio track.)
NEW FEATURE IDEA 2
I haven’t come up with a catchy name for this feature yet. I’m thinking along the lines of the CLAW HAMMER or CROWBAR or PRY BAR.
You see, a ton of shoot-em-up, beat-em-up films have tacked-on romances. A lot of times our beefy square-jawed hero has a love interest that seems like little more than an afterthought. This is where the claw hammer (or crowbar or pry bar) feature comes in! We simple press a button, and all those superfluous romantic subplots are lifted out of the metaphorical grain of the movie with the figurative simple mechanics of a lever. Not only does it make action movies shorter, it also implies allegorical carpentry, like the bible.
NEW FEATURE IDEA 3
I’m surprised this button isn’t already on my DVD remote. Quite simply, I propose the “Make it in space” button. For instance, let us look at Gore Verbinski’s The Weatherman. What if instead of forecasting the weather, Nicolas Cage’s character predicted the SPACE weather? ( I love Newsradio, can you tell?)
Did your girlfriend rent a Nora Ephron/ Meg Ryan movie? Why, with the push of a button, you can go from watching Sleepless in Seattle to Sleepless in Space Seattle! And as a added bonus, if you push the button a second time, you get to jettison Meg Ryan into space and watch her dies slowly in its cold, vacuous abyss.
(I’m just kidding; nobody who reads Inside Pulse has a girlfriend.)
NEW FEATURE IDEA 4
The “Tim Burton-ize” button: sure the story won’t make much sense, but things will be 33 percent quirkier! I’ve already got Michael Keaton signed on to this! Fuck, he made Jack Frost and White Noise, he’d do anything! This section has a lot on exclamation points! Loud Noises!
NEW FEATURE IDEA 5
Have you ever had the misfortune of watching a movie featuring a reckless and gratuitous amount of Keanu Reeves? I propose a special feature on all discs containing alleged performances by the suspected actor. This feature will eliminate all traces of Keanu and replace him with something more suitably equipped to handle the task of appearing in film. The option of Keanu replacements ranges from the competent and likable Kurt Russell to a free-standing 2003 Holmes brand oscillating stick fan. (The fan is surprisingly effective in Dangerous Liaisons.)
I’m also toying a special feature which wouldl replace Natalie Portman with Christina Ricci.
NEW FEATURE IDEA 6
The Swamp Thing. Certain movies (e.g. Phantoms, Silent Hill) seem like they have a big Swamp-Thing-shaped hole in the very fabric of their being. This feature would fix that thing, and digitally add the Swamp Thing into the film to a degree of importance chosen by YOU the viewer.
Tired of the same old, same old? Tired of watching the incomprehensible American version of a Japanese horror flick which wasn’t very scary or good to begin with? Add some Swamp Thing, and all your troubles will be over. The Swamp Thing makes everything better!
But this feature needn’t be limited to horror films. Take for instance, Fred Zinnemann’s 1977 classic Julia, a great film featuring a terrible miscast Jane Fonda in the lead role. Wouldn’t you be interested to see what the Swamp Thing could do with the part of 1930s playwright Lilian Hellman? I know I am!
Why the possibilities are endless!
NEW FEATURE IDEA 7
Again, here is an idea where it is simply a matter of when and not if it will be implemented. Long story short: One easy touch of a button will reveal the monkey version of the DVD in question. The world demands an all monkey cast to David Mamet’s Glengarry Glen Ross! Although, this feature will become difficult in some instances, for instance, Planet of the Apes.
But I’m sure all the kinks will eventually work out and I will get to see an orang-utan doing Fiddler on the Roof.
NEW FEATURE IDEA 8
This feature will be a lot cheaper and easier than many of the others. I’m just going to throw it out there: Benny Hill mode. It’s basically the same as Fast-forward, only you get that bouncy music.
And maybe, maybe, some tops fall off.
