Too many East Coast Bias queerboys to mention and insult in re Sunday’s game, so I can’t go into detail. It’s the usual suspects anyway (like The Retard Bill Simmons, although Michael Silver of SI gets an award for going above and beyond in his efforts to shove his entire cranium up Hoodie Bill’s anus). I will, however, mention that Hulse hasn’t learned his lesson yet. Therefore, when the Bears win, I do not request, I DEMAND to have Hulse brought to me so that I can break his hands with a steel mallet. Fingers, you will make this happen. I’m going to make his hands look exactly like the Bears’ front seven will make The Faggot Brady’s face look.
It must happen. It will happen. It is ordained. So it is written, so shall it be done.
And with nothing else remotely important in the news to me, let me shift over to Smackdown…
Montel Vontavious Porter over Kane, Steel Cage Match, Escape Rules (Porter escapes cage from top): You have got to be kidding me. However, it’s been a while since we’ve had someone get a clean escape over the top in a steel cage match, so the ending was actually refreshing. Naturally, the wrong person went over, but still…
No, that didn’t work
Novocaine Helms over Jimmy Yang, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, Nightmare On Helms Street): Hmmm, Helms versus Yang. And Lil’ Naitch was the ref. Hey, it’s WCW 1998 again! Cool! What would have made this match better would have been if Jamie Noble had done the run-in afterward to go after Helms, and Shannon Moore, sans ridiculous outfit and facepaint, ran in to help Helms. Then all we’d have to do is get Kaz Hayashi back from Japan and grab Evan Karagias from the dock where he’s no doubt trying to pick up sailors.
Sometimes, you have to go to great lengths to lick Wang. Fortunately, Novocaine’s willing.
Mister Fuckin’ Regal over Brian Kendrick (Pinfall, Up the High Knee): Hey, as long as he engages in twink-bashing, I’ll be happy and Hepple will be mourning. Nice to see that Taylor’s recovering quickly, by the way. We’ll be able to see verifiably heterosexual males holding the tag titles soon enough, which will make for a nice change of pace.
How much force does it take to break a twink?
Dave Motherf*ckin’ Finlay (promotion deserved for this match) over Our Lord and Savior, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, Celtic Cross): What’s the proper analogy? “Stiffer than a couch potato after playing five hours of Wii Bowling”? “Stiffer than a sixteen-year-old on Viagra after his first visit to a titty bar”? I’ll go with the latter, since this match was Porn For Smarks. Hey, it excited me, even though we’ve seen this match a number of times since Finlay’s return, and we’re still waiting for that three-way between Benoit, Finlay, and Regal (although I’ll be happy to wait, throw Taylor in there, and either do a tag match or a Fatal Four-Way Commonwealth Match). Best match Smackdown’s had in a long while, although Hepple couldn’t find it in his heart to give them that one little extra point that this match deserved. Well, that’s what you get when it’s Hepple doing the rating and two guys who are about my age in the ring. Thank you, WWE, for actually giving me something to enjoy on this show for a change.
Korderis is asked to check to see if Benoit actually has any neck left
The Boogeyman over Mike Mizanin (COR) or Mike Mizanin over The Boogeyman (DQ, ref worming): Did Cole make a Justin Hawk Bradshaw joke? Ooooh, burn. Although High-Quality Speaker Boy did get off a nice Terry Taylor reference in response, but it wasn’t in regard to Cole, so Cole still wins this round. That’s a rarity.
Look, did you actually think I was going to talk about this match? Are you new here?
If it’s a choice between looking at this and looking at Mizanin…
Jack shit, really. SurSer’s already set, and Raw did the serious pimp for it, so that left this show to be populated by, oh, gee, wrestling. A wrestling show with wrestling…what has this world come to?
I’ll call it a week now, I think. We do have a Round Table in store for you, guest-hosted by Daniel Wallace in lieu of PK spending too much time with his dolls. My picks are already in, for what it’s worth. So, stay tuned this weekend as we have coverage of Survivor Series. I’ll see you Tuesday.