The Chrononaut Chronicles: TNA iMPACT! – Thursday, December 7, 2006
– Impact begins with video recaps of the Christian/Sting/Abyss and Angle/Joe angles from last week before we immediately go to the ring with Rhino, who states that AJ Styles pissed him off last week and calls out the Phenomenal One. Christopher Daniels comes out instead and tries to defuse the situation, but Rhino still wants to fight and AJ runs in with a blindside attack on the War Machine. Rhino & AJ engage in a pullapart brawl as the Fallen Angel and TNA Security try to keep them separated while we go to the Impact opening. Good way to start the show by following up on the issues from last week with something physical.
– For the opposite of “Good way to start the show”, right after Mike Tenay announces the participants in tonight’s six-way All Star War, we see Eric Young in a warmup suit running through the crowd and Tenay adds, “And Eric Young’s getting ready for his bikini contest!” as if it were anywhere near the importance of the main event. I love Eric, but I’m not sure if that’s the best way to hook an audience that’s sick of WWE’s ga-ga. At least they immediately made up for it with LAX’s entrance.
– Homicide vs. Petey Williams
Konnan & Hernandez accompany Homicide while Petey comes out alone and slugs it out with the Notorious 187 right off the bat. Petey snaps off a huracanrana and a spinning heel kick for a two-count, but Homicide catches him charging in the corner and drops him face-first on the middle turnbuckle with a reverse STO. Petey reverses an Irish-whip and sets for a back-bodydrop, but Homicide counters with a sweet tigerbomb and a nice bridging t-bone suplex for two. Homicide levels Petey with a Cutter for two, but Petey comes back with a slingshot chestcracker and the Canadian Legsweep as he signals for the Canadian (Can-Am?) Destroyer. Homicide escapes the Destroyer and hooks up Petey for the Gringo Killa, but Petey slips out and sunset-flips Homicide for the un-deux-trois just as it was getting good. That’s frustrating. Afterwards, LAX assaults Petey as Hernandez launches him with the Border Toss and Konnan covers him with the Mexican flag, but AMW & Gail Kim finally run out and chase them off. We get a beautiful upskirt shot of Gail’s thong as she checks on Petey and taunts LAX with the Mexican flag.
– In the “TNA Channel 1 Newsroom”, Kip James hosts a fake news segment and does some lame comedy before going to BG James in front of a group of protesters chanting “DX Sucks” as BG shouts through a small megaphone, pleading with Hickenbottom, Levesque, & McMahon to “Stop It Now”. BG realizes he’s not wearing any pants and continues to chant. Yeah.
– A video package informs us that Tomko knows a dark secret from Abyss’ past and has told Christian about it, but James Mitchell isn’t worried. Sting explains that he looked into Abyss’ eyes last week and saw the man inside the Monster, but Mitchell warns the Stinger that “an entire army of angels” couldn’t take the NWA World Heavyweight Championship from Abyss. Christian complains about not getting his one-on-one title shot and Sting states that he’s going to walk down the road he said he would.
– We see Eric Young working out amongst the fans in preparation for his Bikini Contest. Great, so we have like three matches announced so far for Turning Point this Sunday and one of them is Eric against Ms. Brooks in a Bikini Contest.
– Courtesy of Paparazzi Productions, Dr. Kevin Nash is administering psychological exams in preparation for the Paparazzi Championship Series and performs the old inkblot test. Senshi says “Warrior” every time, Austin Starr sees himself holding the X Division & World Titles, Jay Lethal sees Christy Hemme, and Alex Shelley hilariously says “My heart…after you broke it.” Dr. Nash asks Jay if he’s ever actually administered a “Lethal Injection”, but Jay wonders if Nash has ever been to Fire Island and Big Kev responds that he has a summer home there. Nash gets fed up with Senshi’s “Warrior” answers and questions how he could see Jim Hellwig in every one of the inkblots. I was wondering when someone would go for the Hellwig joke. Dr. Nash accuses Sonjay Dutt of being on steroids despite his test coming back clean and Sonjay complains that this is an ambush before walking out as an onscreen graphic announces that the PCS will start this Sunday at Turning Point. Really funny stuff, although I’m not sure how this will translate into an actual wrestling match since everybody was obviously in on the joke so there are no personal issues. It should be entertaining though.
– Leticia interviews Eric Young, who states that he has a lot of work to do before Sunday since the average woman’s weight is 115 pounds. Leticia reminds him that he’s not a woman, but Eric explains that he has to think, feel, and look like a woman to win the Bikini Contest. Oh my, this isn’t going to be pretty.
– Senshi vs. “Showtime” Eric Young
Eric comes out in his warmup suit and jogs around the ring as Don West wonders how Eric plans to compete with Ms. Brooks’ assets since “they’re freaking huge”. That’s classy. Eric does some pushups at ringside until Senshi has finally had enough and attacks Showtime before throwing him in the ring and stomping away. Senshi throws chops and Eric fires back with punches, but Senshi catches him with a kick to the gut and the nasty released hook kick across the back of the head for a two-count. More chops from Senshi and he goes for the springboard back-kick, but Eric ducks and decks Senshi with a discus punch. Eric outmaneuvers Senshi and hits a dropkick as Ms. Brooks appears on the apron to flash her breasts at Young while West notes that Eric looks like “a baby going over to be breastfed”. The distraction allows Senshi to blast Eric with the running dropkick and Senshi lands the Warrior’s Way off the top turnbuckle for the three-count on Young. Afterwards, Robert Roode & Ms. Brooks gloat on the stage. Solid comedy match, which is actually a good way to use Senshi and accentuate his serious persona. I’d rather see him in kickass **** matches, but I’ll take what I can get.
– Leticia interviews LAX as Konnan rants about AMW stealing the Mexican flag and challenges them to a Flag Match at Turning Point so they can get it back, with the winning team’s national anthem being played afterwards. I guess the flag store is closed.
– In the “TNA Channel 1 Newsroom”, Kip James talks about box-office records being shattered and compares The Marine to Ernest Saves Christmas, although The Marine is bleeped each time he says it. Strange. We go to BG James on night-vision camera in an empty movie theater allegedly playing The Marine and he shows us a “moviegoer” (who looks suspiciously like TNA employee Bill Banks) sleeping in his seat to put over how exciting the film is.
– Jim Cornette is in the ring to accept LAX’s Flag Match challenge on behalf of AMW and makes it official for Turning Point, but Christian Cage & Tomko come out to interrupt him and Cage suggests that Cornette has been too busy stopping people from exercising their First Amendment rights to conduct proper background checks on TNA employees. Christian explains that he and Tomko both checked out, although Cornette notes that Tomko barely passed, and Cage wonders if Abyss was checked out because he did something in the past “that would make your stomach turn”. Cage is about to tell a story about “a little boy named Abyss”, but the lights suddenly go out and Abyss runs in to unload on Tomko & Cage. See, that would have been a good time to use his real name to show how much it bothers Abyss. Abyss levels Christian with a big boot, but Tomko strikes with a big boot of his own and holds Abyss as Cage punches away until Sting makes the save with the baseball bat. Sting offers the Hand of Friendship and Abyss shakes it, but he reels Sting in and plants him with the Black Hole Slam. I might be in the minority, but I like how Russo has fleshed out what would have otherwise been an underdeveloped three-way storyline and given all three participants (along with Tomko & Mitchell) some issues to make the match more personal and intriguing.
– Another “SEroTOniN” video piece airs with Raven offering us the opportunity to “stop being a caterpillar” and transform into something better and beautiful. “We can turn you into a butterfly, and we will… whether you want us to or not.” I pimp these vignettes every week, but I love them. Really creepy and unique stuff to explain the twisted concept behind the new flock.
– Jeremy Borash is in the TNA Spotlight to hype Turning Point: Christopher Daniels defending the X Championship against Chris Sabin with Jerry Lynn as the Special Referee, the PCS will begin, VKM will appear, Sting/Abyss/Christian for the NWA World Title, and Angle/Joe II.
– In a really well-done video package, Kurt Angle explains why he agreed to give Samoa Joe a rematch by telling a story about how he once lost to an Iranian in amateur competition and thought he’d never get the opportunity for redemption, but as fate would have it Kurt got his second chance when he faced the same Iranian in his final match at the 1996 Summer Olympics and beat him to win the Gold Medal. Angle points out that if he hadn’t had that second chance and won the medal, he wouldn’t be where he is today and decided that Joe deserves another chance against “the very best wrestler in the world”. Angle puts Joe over by noting that nobody has ever made him bleed that badly twice and admits that he underestimated the Samoan Submission Machine as Joe calmly states that he knew about Angle’s neck problems and went after it with no remorse. Angle actually admits that he fears Joe and will lose sleep over it, noting that Joe is a “killer” who pushed Kurt to his limits like nobody else. For his part, Joe admits that he underestimated Angle’s willingness to win and Angle reveals that when Joe tapped out at Genesis, he breathed a sigh of relief rather than happiness. Angle says that Joe has the ability to take out anyone at any time and Joe claims that heading into Turning Point, he isn’t the #1 man to beat in TNA anymore because he doesn’t have the 18-month unbeaten streak behind him. In a powerful and emotional statement, Angle mentions looking in his daughter’s eyes and being worried that he might come home paralyzed as he says that Joe almost did it last time and “he has a chance again because I’m giving him that chance.” Joe states that Kurt will be no different than all of the other guys he’s destroyed in TNA and Angle announces that “win, lose, or draw” this will be his last match with Samoa Joe.
Damn, this was off the f*cking charts on so many levels. It did an amazing job of building the rematch UFC-style with serious interviews featuring both men admitting their weaknesses in the last match, while also drawing on the “real-life” rumors about Angle’s health and even hinting at the rumors about Kurt ending the match early because he couldn’t handle it. Much like the Montreal Screwjob and Brian Pillman’s “Loose Cannon” angle, it’s hard to tell if they’re just incorporating real-life issues into the storyline or if maybe some of the rumors are just guys like Meltzer being worked. Either way, I think the rematch just got a lot more interesting.
– All Star War: Christian Cage vs. Samoa Joe vs. Rhino vs. Sting vs. Kurt Angle vs. Abyss
When Rhino makes his entrance, AJ Styles appears out of nowhere and attacks the War Machine as they brawl away from the ring while we go to break. When we come back, Rhino is missing and we get the rest of the entrances as Tenay states that this is now a five-way for the time being. Angle starts with Cage as Joe plays mindgames on the apron and Kurt counters Christian’s hiptoss attempt with a belly-to-belly throw. Tenay compares this “once in a lifetime” main event to the All Star Game while Angle picks up Christian with a double-leg and dumps him on his head for a two-count before applying a waistlock. Cage elbows out, but Angle slams him with an overhead belly-to-belly and stretches him in a modified camel clutch as we go to break again. Maybe it’s just me because I really dig holiday-themed horror movies, but that Black Christmas remake actually looks pretty cool. When we come back, Cage escapes a chinlock and tags Abyss, who punches Christian and eats some forearm uppercuts from Kurt. Angle runs off the ropes, but Cage catches him with a knee to the back from the apron and Abyss capitalizes by dropping Angle with the Shock Treatment for a near-fall as Joe makes the save and Tenay recalls the deal between Joe & Angle. Joe unloads on Abyss and hits the snap powerslam, but Christian comes in and inverted-DDTs Joe before Sting drops Christian with the Scorpion Death Drop. Sting clotheslines Abyss over the top rope and slugs away on him at ringside, distracting the referee while Joe nails Christian on the turnbuckles with the jumping enzuigiri and hoists him into the Muscle Buster, but Tomko levels Joe with the big boot and Joe drops Cage with the Buster anyway. Some help that was. Tomko drapes Christian over Joe and bails out as the ref returns to register the pinfall, but Angle makes the save and tosses Cage over the top rope with an overhead belly-to-belly. After helping the Samoan Submission Machine up, Angle surprises Joe with the Olympic Slam for the 1-2-3 to win the All Star War as Tenay suggests that Angle was sending a message to Joe. I guess that means Joe’s winning on Sunday.
– We close with a music video package building up Daniels/Sabin, Rhino/Styles, AMW/LAX, Sting/Abyss/Christian, and Joe/Angle for this Sunday’s Turning Point.
Afterthoughts: An improvement over last week’s horrible program with the VKM bullshit being confined to two fairly brief segments and it seemed like there was a bit more wrestling. I don’t see the point of having a star-studded match like the All Star War without any hype or fanfare from last week, but the finish came across better on TV than it did on paper when I read the spoilers since the pin came as a result of Angle taking advantage of Joe and not because he was actually the better man. This could become a very interesting storyline if they incorporate some of the Angle rumors and have him turn into a paranoid, slightly delusional heel afraid for his own safety. That could be a great way to introduce Bob Sapp if TNA does sign him… Angle brings him in as his personal bodyguard and the cornerstone of the new Team Angle (along with maybe Roode & Scott Steiner if he comes back) to protect him. They do the slowburn with Angle using Sapp to eliminate most of the competition, allowing Angle to win the NWA Title, until Sapp can’t take it anymore and turns face to feud with Kurt. Anyway, for as much wrong as Russo has done, I have to give him credit for doing a good job with character development to the point that five matches on the PPV have identifiable issues and storylines behind them, which is an improvement over the last few months. The matches themselves should be pretty good so I’m once again looking forward to the PPV, although with more reservations than last month. Let’s hope everything clicks better this time around so that TNA can capitalize on the fans’ unhappiness with last Sunday’s ECWWE PPV and put on a kickass show. I’ll be back on Sunday with the Turning Point lineup and my PPV predictions, so see you then and thanks for reading.
