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Good God, I forgot that tonight… Cena faces Kevin Federline!?!?!?
This year is officially starting off with a perfect reason for the Monday Night Rabble to exist. The WWE is defining us with this, the first show of the new year. Who is joining us?
E-Hern! – The Guatamalean Bulldoozer!
E-Ric! – The Bomb Diggity!
B-Ill! – He’s Wiggida Wack!
J-Eff! – The Notorious J.E.F.
Thank god they are curtain jerking it! Here comes Cena!
“They might not be.. he might just be coming out to yell.” – Eric
Cena hops into the ring in a weird sort of way that half looks like a marine salute – and half looks like a Heil.
“Call JBL!” – Me
They, during his introduction, refer to Kevin Federline as ‘Dancer Par Excellante’ and here he comes wearing an Everlast robe.
“Even his robe is a better rapper than him.” – Me
“Thank God I’m here in time to see this!” – Jeffrey
Federline stands at the top of the key and explains that there is going to be a change to the match tonight.
“Steel Cage!” – Eric
“First Blood!” – Me
“Anal Penetration?” – Bill
Nope, just a no DQ no Count Out.. with his mentor Johnny Nitro.. wooptyf*ck.
So they come down to the ring – and Nitro even has the medicine bag in the corner and Cena goes nose to nose with Federline. Cena tosses his shirt, and I guess this is the match.
K-FED vs. CENA
“Worst Match Of The Year Catagory Already?” – Hernandez
Nitro hooks him up with a mouthpiece.
“He should give him a tazer..” – Bill
Long set-up now as Federline gets a pair of gloves. Federline continues to walk away from the center to add another piece to his retardo armor. Even Cena looks bored. Finally the bell rings. Cena offers him the first top of the head shot.
“USE A GUN!” – Eric
Federline locks in a bad side headlock. Cena picks him up and drops him.. to which Federline lands badly.
“Couldn’t they have gotten him a really good trainer?” – Eric
“Couldn’t they have gotten him a smaller t-shirt?” – Bill
“He looks like Stiffler from American Pie” – Hernandez
Nitro slides a chair into the ring, and the ref sets it up for Cena to sit down in it to set-up a Masterlock!?!?! Whatever.
So he puts Cena in the headlock and Cena is just smirking. Drops his arms… lock broken.
“This should be an inferno shiv on a pole match” – Eric
Now Federline asks for a test of strength. So Federline puts both hands on arm. Pushes him all the way down and DROPS HIM!!!! Ooooo… Cena stands up with him wrapped around his arm. Tee-Hee he was faking.
In runs Nitro – clotheslined out. Fed ‘ahem’ lowblows him. In runs Umaga and that’s that. He eats a thumb poke and we are so sad.
“Fourteen minute build up to have Umaga run in?” – Eric
“He should eat the belt!” – Hernandez
So Cena’s out – in runs Federline who pins Cena.
“Are we done with Federline now?” – Jeffrey
He seems to throw a bit of money to the crowd.
“Did you see the ref dive for it?” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL ONE _ 9:17
So there is a party in the back…. Maria tries to get into his room for an interview. She was going to ask about how his match was ‘tainted’.
“I’d pay a dollar for her to say taint again.” – Me
Melina interrupts the whole affair and slaps the shit out of Maria. What a hot slap that was.
“Jamie, she can take a slap, she’s the perfect girl” – Jeffrey
So Melina vs. Maria? Maybe…
Anyway, other stuff goes on about RKO that I didn’t hear – and in the Federline party… they are sitting with umm.. girls?
“A bunch of hookers?” – Eric
So Coach comes in and they babble on… tonight there is going to be a four on one handicapped match tonight with Nitro, Coach, Armando, and Umaga vs. Cena….
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:24
“So is it too early to do a TNA Rabble?” – Jen via Text Message
So the Miami Heat is here.. annnd because they just showed an entire row of basketball players… here’s Cryme Time!
“Steal something from Shaq!” – Hernandez
“OH SHIT! IT’S SHAZAM!?” – Bill
Shaq gets a hi-five and hug and he checks his wallet. They are facing the Highlanders.
“Finally a good match!” – Jeffrey
“I doubt that.” – Me
Hey, here comes Lance & Cade..
“Toldja.” – Me
Finally the World’s Greatest Tag Team.
“Look, they shrank down Visc!” – Hernandez
FOUR MAN TAG MATCH!
Hmm..
Starting in the ring Robbie and Cade. Flying crossbody for a two count pin from Robbie and a tag to the shorter Cryme Time’r. JT and cade now – nice drop toe hold from JT and thrown into an armlock. He fights out of it – hits the ropes and Murdoch pulls the leg. Ooooo snap.
Now JT in trouble.. tag to Charlie Haas. Nevermind that trouble. Double underhook one armed suplex. Clothesline and a tag to Shelton.
Ooo it’s Jimmy Hart’s birthday? Happy Birthday Jimmy Hart – which appears on the bottom ticker of the screen.
Another tag to Cade and he goes for an elbow off the top and Whiff! Misses – Tag to Murdoch and a tag to Shad of Crytme Time.. he goes all nuts. Boot to the face of Cade. Nice belly to back launching suplex from Shad.
An awesome finisher that I don’t know what to call from Cryme Time and they win. See we’re totally not into watching wrestling tonight. We’re nursing our hangovers.
WINNER: CRYME TIME
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:34
Wrestlemania 23 Recall? Ummmm Mania 3. Hogan slams Andre. We’re getting Recalls already!? Getchah-ass-to-Mahzzz…
Jeff Hardy is here.
“HEY! Another wrestler showed up!” – Eric
Rob Conway comes out and declares tonight that he’s going to be a winner! If he loses, he’s going to quit Monday Night Raw..
“Isn’t this Kerwin White?” – Me
JEFF HARDY vs. ROB CONWAY
What if this entire bit is Rob Conway – setting his character as a man who does long cons…… nevermind, too smart, I’m at.
So during the time that I wrote that. Jeff Hardy won.
No Seriously: Jeff Hardy Wins
“Seriously?” – Hernandez
Wait.. Vince?! NO CHANCE IN HELL!
“To sing the praises of the illustrius career of Rob Conway” – Bill
So here comes Vince in comfy slacks and a hawaiian shirt!
“He’s wearing an old man shirt!” – Me
“BRING US THE DRAFT!” – Hernandez
Vince is going to make some Resolutions:
-I’m going to stop so damn nice.
“huzzah” – Hernandez
– I’m going to stop letting people take advantage of me.
Vince then makes a Donald Trump comparison then shows a picture of Rosie O’Donnell and screams ‘YOKOZUNA’ …umm.. what?
Anyway, the comparison to Trump doesn’t end there, as Rob Conway… is FIIRRREED
“Why did he even show up?” – Jeffrey
Another Jamie Prediction: I would like to believe that Vince is now going to do a long running character over the course of the next … three months.. where he comes out periodically and fires Heat and Velocity stars live on TV… only to have one of them rise up to defeat him.
“WHo is this Heat star, oh swami” – Bill
“Jamie doesn’t watch Heat & Velocity..” – Eric
“I predict, given from the last time I watched Heat…. King Haku.” – Me
“KWANG!” – Jeffrey
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:46
Two weeks ago… Kenny said ‘No Way’ to Ric Flair. Kenny Dykstra everybody.
In the back Todd talks to Kenny.. this whole story is about Kenny Dykstra… the 21 year old future of Raw.
Umm… and now a flashback from Raw 5 weeks ago? Oh, when Ric Flair was bloodied up by Edge & RKO…
“What the f*ck is it pick on Flair day?” – Me
“Maybe he didn’t show up to work..” – Hernandez
Then Ordge beat up DX and bloody them up two weeks ago…. in slow mo and black and white.
“They took thirty seconds of wrestling footage and rolled it out to a nice five minutes” – Me
“They should have used sepia tones.” – Me
Here walk DX…
COMMERCIAL FIVE _ 9:55
Are You Ready? Degeneration X time!
Everyone’s got Neon Glow sticks that are making ‘X’s – that’s neat! Shawn does some laps around Trips…
“He didn’t have enough streamers on his arms.” – Bill
Shawn stops the intro with an ‘I can’t do this’.
“Someone lost their smilllleee.” – Me
Shawn states that he and Trips have faced every ‘future of the industry’ – every ‘tomorrow’s star’ – and he and Trips stand the test of time.
“Jericho!” – Hernandez
“..I was thinkin it..” – Me
So they are upset that Ordge beat up Ric almost within an inch of his life..
“So he had more than an inch of life?” – Bill
So now he wants to face them at New Years Revolution.
“Is Shawn drunk right now?” – Jeffrey
“Yes.. on Jesus’ blood.” – Eric
Trips takes the mic and is upset that he was wanting a fight, but Ordge isn’t.
“Proving the theory that nobody is there tonight.” – Me
They are so lacking for things to talk about – DX compares themselves to breakfast cereals… specifically Frosted Mini Wheat…. Shawn likes the frosted tasty side! Ordge is getting the OTHER side….
“The healthy side?” – Bill
“Miniwheats have an evil side?” – Me
So this is our ten o’clock spot. …yep yep yep…
So my DVR flipped channels and I lost the last five minutes… f*ck as now Maria is in the ring with Melina.
“Hey look, Jamie’s first f*ck up of the New Year..” – Hernandez
MARIA vs. MELINA
Victoria is also there with a BLANK NAME on her list.. ooOooo.. anyway, Maria is tied into the ropes and she boots the hell out of Melina and Maria now goes all nuts in her lil white baby tee. She goes for a dropkick. Misses and lands on her back. Melina goes for a backbridge with the legs… f*cks it up and rolls Maria up for the win.
WINNER: MELINA
Hey, here comes Victoria into the ring. Melina and Victoria are eye to eye, and then Victoria leaves and grabs Lillian Garcia…
“SUPPLIZEEEE!” – Hernandez
So sets her up in the Widow’s Peak and Mickie James saves Lillian, and Mickie is looking awesome tonight.
“So the best storytelling tonight… is the women’s match?” – Me
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:20
So last they were in Iraq…
“New Orleans?” – Bill
They show lots of shots of Maria…. sweet.
“The Goo Goo Dolls… were NOT in Iraq..” – Me
Cena at the end…
“Hey you saluted properly.” – Eric
“They showed him how.” – Bill
Ric’s here! We thought he was dead!
Now here comes Carlito, his tag team partner. Hernandez has just handed me a snapple cap: “Today’s ‘Modern’ wrestling moves have been seen in tomb drawings from ancient Egypt.”
Masters time…
“POWWDERRRED TOAASSST MAAAAN” – Bill
“Owwie Owwie Owwie Ow Ow Ow” – Jeffrey & Hernandez
FLAIR & CARLITO vs. MASTHTERTH & KENNY DYKSTRA
..stuff..
Lawler refers to Kenny as ‘the future of wrestling’ and given the DX bit, I guess that makes it a touch funnier.
Anyway, Kenny starting with Carlito. Punches to Carlito’s head. Tosses him to the ropes and Carlito hits a rana. Kenny tags into Mathterth and Ric runs in to clip his leg – slams him down – annnd…
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:32
We’re back with Mathterth having Carlito in a backstretcher… tag to Kenny and they go punch to punch. Front facelock and now Kenny and Maththerth tagging back and forth and beating and holdspotting Carlito.
Nothing happens for a long long time until Carlito hits the springboard back elbow. We insult each other in interesting ways.
“Cock knuckle.” – Hernandez
“Twat Waffle.” – Jeffrey
“Douche Nozzle.” – Me
Masters slips Carlito into the Masterlock out of nowhere. Clip of the leg from Ric stops that. Tag to Kenny and now Ric and Kenny are going off on each other. Chops and such drop Kenny and as he goes for the figure four there is a clothesline from Masters!
Masters gets shoulderchecked out of the ring by Carlito – leaving Ric and Kenny in the ring with Kenny dropping Flair and using an illegal pin.
WINNER: KENNY & MASTHTERS
So Flair grabs the mic and starts to call out Kenny… in run Ordge!!! RKO.
“Hey they showed up!” – Eric
So we get some one man conchairto again…
“They’ve activated the DX symbol!” – Bill
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:44
Hey so why didn’t DX run in? Oh, they left the building. Convenient.
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:30
hey federline’s coming out…
“I thought he was gone Jamie.” – Jeffrey
“You f*cked up the DVR again?” – Hernandez
Sadly not…
So he gets in the ring and talks.
“Look at Lillian’s look of disgust.” – Bill
“That’s because she knows she has to touch that mic.” – Eric
CENA vs. UMAGA & ARMANDO & COACH & NITRO
Four on One
Nitro is getting the headline spot of the heels… interesting.
Here comes Cena!
“Walks to the ring – leaves.” – Jeffrey
So Cena rolls in and begins by hitting Umaga… Fist to fist they go and Cena hits the ropes and Coach goes after him. He drops Coach and Umaga charges him. Cena grabs the top rope and out goes Umaga and a run in from Nitro. Now Cena hits a couple clotheslines and a shoulder check. He turns around to eat the samoan drop from Umaga.
So Umaga is about to jump on Cena and Cena lifts his knees up.
“WOLFMAN’S GOT NARDS!” – Hernandez
Big clear spot from Cena and Umaga eats a droptoe and STFU from Cena to Umaga… in runs Armando with a chair. Cena grabs it and hits Umaga a few times. Nitro gets an FU… Coach gets an FU… Federline gets grabbed from the commentating position – HE gets the FU.
WINNER via DQ: THE BAD GUYS
LA-HAME.
LA-HAME.
LA-HAME!
“Randy really loved Triple H’s chops” – Jeffrey
(See the first Rabble of last year for joke refernece)
“If I had strong enough rope I’d hang myself.” – Eric
“It blew. Par for the course.” – Hernandez
“The chops were kinda nice..” – Bill
“I wish I had at least made money watching this tonight.” – Jeffrey
“I just don’t understand how much they can suck so consistantly.” – Me
I have nothing to say.
Next week we might be funnier.
Maybe.
