What a week. Last time this week, the WWE was 20 people deeper in talent. Hell, the ECW roster had a few extra people on it. Amazingly enough, eight out of the twenty cuts were made in ECW. Let’s take a look at the roster, according to a recently-updated ECW.com:
Ariel, Balls Mahoney, CM Punk, Elijah Burke, Hardcore Holly, Joey Styles, Kelly Kelly, Kevin Thorn, Lashley, Little Guido, Marquis (pronounced Marcus) Cor Von, Matt Striker, Mike Knox, Rebecca, Rene Dupree, Rob Van Dam, Sabu, Sandman, Shannon Moore, Stevie Richards, Tazz, Terry Funk, Test, Tommy Dreamer and Trinity
That’s a talent roster of 25 people.
Okay, so let’s trim this down a bit further. Let’s take away the women, because, let’s be honest, there are four women on the roster and the E doesn’t seem interested in actually showing us womens matches. We’re also going to trim out people that have never wrestled on ECW on Sci Fi. this takes out Tazz, Styles and Terry Funk. On top of that, I’m going to trim out anyone that has never had more than two wins on TV. That leaves us with the following roster:
Balls Mahoney
CM Punk
Elijah Burke
Hardcore Holly – questionable because of his injury
Kevin Thorn
Lashley
Marquis (pronounced Marcus) Cor Von
Matt Striker
Mike Knox
Rob Van Dam
Sabu
Sandman
Test
Tommy Dreamer
You can make a case that Mike Knox and Hardcore Holly are both on their way out. Rumor had it that Knox’s head was going to be on the chopping block during last week’s cuts, but apparently he’s survived so far. So that’s a pretty small roster for a wrestling program. The only WWE brand that has a smaller roster is Deep South Wrestling. The only difference between the two brands is that ECW is broadcast nationally and the WWE is trying to make serious money from ECW.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not predicting doom and gloom for the brand. I’m just pointing out that the ECW roster is dwindling. My roster is dwindling people!
Have you looked at my column about the direction of ECW? Check it out here. Feel free to tell me I’m wrong in the comments and in the forum, but I think that’s the direction the show is going. RAW is beginning to be focused on cartoons as of late, especially with the addition of Khali to the roster. With the exception for the Undertaker, they have most of the cartoon-y guys on their roster. Smackdown! is most certainly the wrestling show between the three with guys like Finlay, Benoit, Guerrero, the Hooliganz, Kennedy, King Booker, Regal and Taylor and the list goes on. Smackdown has become the #2 watched WWE program around the house since moving to the CW. It would be #1 if not for the live ECW coverage. I’m going to forget that people like the Miz and the Boogeyman and Deuce and Domino and Vito are on the Smackdown roster because it’s my column and I can do that.
Anyway, ECW is headed in this new direction. The direction isn’t new at all, but almost as old as the sport of pro wrestling. Why has this popped up as the new way to get ECW over with the mainstream crowd? Because of the trends of pop culture. When pop culture willingly embraced wrestling it was at the height of Stone Cold and the Rock and Degeneration X and the nWo, so those things which were already cool to wrestling fans became cool to the mainstream. This time around, the WWE is trying to take something that’s cool in mainstream America (in this case MMA) and integrate that into wrestling in a way that’s not the Brawl for All, as interesting as a Brawl for All could be with such possible awesome combinations as Shannon Moore vs. Stevie Richards or Rene Dupree vs. Little Guido (actually, I think that one’s pretty good.)
Alright, Eureka is over and we’re live. No promo video for the main event, probably has something to do with the fact that Hardcore Holly was pulled out of the main event less than 24 hours beforehand. We automatically go to Sandman, having a beer bash. Looks like we’re going to have an over the top rope challenge.
Participants: The Sandman, Sabu, Kevin Thorn, Tommy Dreamer and Rob Van Dam.
Wow. that’s a lot of ECW originals in the ring. As a matter of fact, it’s almost all of them.
Over the Top Rope Challenge won by Rob Van Dam
RVD and Sabu go at it with the other guys beating on each other in the corner. Everyone eventually spreads out and Sabu and Dreamer and the first two out of the ring. Sabu went for a rana over the top rope and they both fell out without much fanfare. Shortly after thorn dumps Sandman and we’re down to Rob Van Dam and Kevin Thorn. That was quick. They tease elimination from RVD on the top turnbuckle but eventually they go back to brawling in the ring.
Big elimination tease from RVD being back body dropped onto the apron taking some offense from Thorn. Eventually RVD gets out and gets Thorn in the corner. RVD hits a nasty sounding spinning kick in the corner and that leads to another elimination tease sequence with Van Dam hanging on from the apron.
Update:If you watch when Thorn is down on the canvas after the spin kick, you’ll hear him say “Rob, I’ll try to throw you out.” Busch league!
Thorn gets a super kick and it’s time for a tease of his own. RVD eliminates thorn with a side kick from the top rope.
Too quick for me to care. When all the guys start in the ring it’s called a BATTLE ROYAL. Not a “Over the Top Rope Challenge”. Idiots.
Styles and Tazz talk about the main event change and they don’t know why Test is in and Holly is out. It’s called nerve damage in the elbow guys. It’s okay to break kayfabe now and again.
We’re back and the shitty soul music hits. That means it’s tome for the Alpha Male Marquis (pronounced Marcus) Cor Von. His opponent is already in the ring and doesn’t even get his name on the screen.
Marquis has a mic.
“What are you doing? Do you not know your place. When the Alpha Male hits the ring, you hit the bricks. You’re about to find out, just like everyone in ECW will soon find out, when the Alpha Males comes, you either get out of the way, or you get run over.”
Marquis (pronounced Marcus) Cor Von over a Redshirt by POOOOUUUNNNNNCCCCCCCCCEEEE-UH, Russian leg sweep and fujiwara arm bar
This one’s quick and the pounce wasn’t as impressive as last week. Looks like Cor Von just came and this guy didn’t get out of the way. Post match he makes Mickie Henson raise his hand.
Backstage Hardcore Holly is pissed at Test because he’s no longer in the main event. He doesn’t care who he has to go through to get the ECW championship. It’s a shame that Test didn’t speak at all because as we all know, TEST=RATINGS.
With all this talk about Cor Von being the “hardest” and people needing to move when he comes, I’m a little uncomfortable. The good thing this week is that Marquis (pronounced Marcus) was announced as being from Chicago instead of “The Animal Kingdom”. I think The Animal Kingdom is right outside of Parts Unknown.
Kelly’s music hits and she’s accompanied to the ring with Layla from Smackdown and someone I don’t recognize. The unknown girl has the mic and announces herself as Brooke. She, Layla and Kelly are “extreme expose”.
I’m calling them Nitro Girls 2.0. Synchronized dance moves, matching outfits and I’m bored after a few seconds. On a positive note, it looks like Kelly Kelly actually learned how to dance while she was out. The best dancer of the three is Brooke hands down. By “dancer” I mean stripper. And by “best” claw my f*cking eyes out I want to die. The music stops suddenly and the girls are looking around confused.
Test gets another video pumping him up like he’s some kind of real threat to the ECW title. He’s a threat to my attention span. Not the a Heavyweight World Championship.
Striker’s music hits and we’re reminded he lost to CM Punk and Punk needed help from Kelly last week. Striker has a great short tie as usual and he’s going to be on commentary. It looks like we’re going to get a worthwhile match coming up next. CM Punk vs. Elijah Burke
Let me set this straight. The Nitro Girls were a good idea because they entertained the crowd while the show was in a commercial break. The show was also as a three hour affair, so thirty seconds of dancing here and there didn’t make a big difference.
Punk comes out to the ring and he gets a video dating company style promo about how he’s looking forward to the Rumble match. Burke comes out and they go right at it.
CM Punk over Elijah Burke by roll through
Match starts off quick and Burke is going with a punch and kin assault and Punk is going with a more rounded style. Both guys are working quick, which helps. Striker talks about CM Punk’s “MMA style” and color me confused.
This one’s moving fast and Punk gets a nice kick to the shins to knock Burke down. A monkey flip attempt is reversed into Burke pulling Punk leg first off of the top rope to the canvas. Nice move. Burke’s going ground and pound, but it only gets a two. TWO!
If you read my column from yesterday, the style of this match wouldn’t surprise you. Punk battles out of a headlock but can’t get more than a few moves in before Burke slows him down again with a camel clutch. Punk powers out but gets thrown back to the mat hair first. Burke goes back to the neck and Punk powers out again.
Punk’s playing the part of Ricky Steamboat, not getting in more than a few moves before giving control back to Burke. Burke goes back to the neck again and I don’t know how many times the crowd can get behind CM Punk to power out of the same move. Once again Punk powers out and Burke pull the hair again.
This is getting boring watching the same thing happen again and again. Burke has successfully killed the crowd, despite Punk trying desperately not to lose them. A neck breaker by Burke is reversed into a failed backslide by Punk into a neck breaker of his own.
Punk finally gets some momentum and pulls Burke in for some close knee strikes, gets the knee in the corner and can only get the two. They go back to the corner, Burke almost gets an electric chair on Punk but Punk attempts to roll through and Burke pulls the tights but only gets a two. TWO! Punk turns it around and gets the three on Burke for the win!
Not a great match, but it built in the end. I kinda wished that I cared about the rest of the match. Rest holds and strikes don’t make an exciting wrestling match in 2006.
Pulse Glazer: Do you like strikes and rest holds? Boy do i have the match for you. a bunch of neck work and rest holds that went nowhere, the dominant face uses an underdog face move to get the win.
Woo.
We get a “Moments Ago” looking back at the Battle Royal from earlier in the night, focusing on the Thorn elimination by Rob Van Dam. The point? Building the Royal Rumble this Sunday. It’s like they forgot this was happening on ECW and RAW and decided to start pumping this PPV yesterday.
We’re into the main event at 10:48. This week things will be a little different because people who don;t want to see this kind of main event (read: ROH fans tuning in for Punk and people who just can’t make it to the end of the show due to quality). However, if they keep Test in the main event, TEST=RATINGS.
Bobby Lashley over Test by running powerslam
Joey says he’s speaking for ECW fans everywhere when he says he wants to see Lashley retain. I’m peaking for real ECW fans when I say that I want to see the WWE sell the rights to the company name and let Heyman book the show separate from the WWE again. They start the match outside, bring it in and Lashley retain control and sends Test out of the ring. Test gets back in and Lashley almost has some offense before Test gets the hell out of the ring. God forbid we see some offense between these two.
The torture continues. Again, I can’t stress this enough. Starting next week we’re going to see competition in wrestling again. People who watch ECW will have a choice to turn the channel and see a different wrestling show with different talent. And looking at the roster, WSX is going to have some good matches featured. I’m not crazy about the live music, but if that’s what it takes to get on TV, then so be it.
Test has control when we’re back and this is looking a bit like the Punk/Burke match we just saw. Test is working the neck and no doubt spent time boring the shit out of the crowd during the break. Test remain slow plodding control of the match taking his sweet ass time between every move.
Test goes for the top rope elbow but gets a face full of boot. Lashley hits a clothesline and missed an elbow of his own and Test goes for punches (shitty punches mind you) to Lashley’s head. Test is attempting to take the cover off the turnbuckle and gets caught. Old trick. As the ref is fixing it, he takes off the opposite turnbuckle. Test sends Lashley into the exposed corner, hits a pump handle slam and only gets a two. TWO!
Test is frustrated and goes for a chair. By the time the slow Test gets to the ring and goes for a chair shit he gets speared. Lashley hits another clothesline followed by a back elbow. ashley throws Test into the exposed corner and splashes him in it. Throws him into the other corner, another clothes line followed by a hanging clothesline. Test goes outside and Lashley follows. Test begs off but gets kicked in the gut and thrown to the stairs.
Lashley gets Test in the ring and hits a running powerslam. Clean.
The Inside Pulse
Let me get this straight, these two are fighting at the Royal Rumble? What’s the point? Lashley just beat Test fair and square on free TV. And Test even attempted to cheat at that. I think that’s called a clear and decisive victory. That doesn’t warrant a rematch. Lashley just kicked the crap out of Test and I don’t think that Test had a chance in that match.
And the CM Punk match. What the hell was the point of all of those rest holds? Those are two guys that are supposed to be able to wrestle and we got almost five minutes of rest holds.
Kelly’s Expose? NEXT!
The “Over the Top Rope Challenge”? Worthless. Why not just put Rob Van Dam in a match with Kevin Thorn. Oh I know. It’s because thorn called a spot so loud it came through on TV. (Thanks to MM for that one. Missed it the first time around.) Uninspired. This whole show was uninspired.
