The SmarK 24/7 Rant for Tuesday Night Titans – 9/27/85
– Well, at least they’re going in sequence now after skipping from July to September.
– So our first guest is Hillbilly Jim, and that sets up a clip from the Manager of the Year ceremony on Superstars, as Bobby Heenan rigs the voting and takes the votes from Mr. Fuji, Jimmy Hart and Johnny V to win, only to have Hillbilly Jim pledge HIS votes to Lou Albano and thus give the Captain the award. However, and you might want to sit down for this one, the heels SMASH THE TROPHY. And then shove Jim’s face in a birthday cake and attack him after the contract signing. Studd and Bundy, demonstrating good sportsmanship to the kids out there, lay out Jim and break his ribs with a splash. Politics IS a dirty business. Vince questions Jim as to whether he might be contemplating retirement, but sadly he would return to stink up the ring for another few years. Besides, DDP wrestled for like 4 years with a rib injury worse than that one.
– Next guest: Current car salesman King “Haku” Tonga, back in his early babyface days. In fact, so early that we get his very first WWF appearance as his clip. He takes the jobber down and uses a nerve hold that isn’t quite as devastating as the dreaded TONGAN DEATH GRIP, but nearly kills the audience with boredom instead. Superkick finishes the guy. The interview is just as exciting as the resthold in the match, as Vince is all “So what about tag team action?” and Tonga is all “Uh, yeah, that’d be cool, whatever.” Woo, this is tremendous stuff.
– Mr. Fuji and Don Muraco join us to complain about having to work with a 4th-rate director and 7th-rate script. But enough about The Marine! Anyway, it’s time for FUJI GENERAL HOSPITAL! Muraco plays a doctor, and roboticly reads bad dialogue off cue cards about how much he loves the nurse. Doctor Fuji confronts him about letting his personal life interfere with his work, and we move into the patient’s room as the exasperated director keeps stopping them to rant about how bad they are. Back in the studio, Alfred totally oversells the “humor” of the piece, literally falling off the couch with laughter. On the subject of Muraco, I really think that someone needs to steal his bit from the 80s, when he once wrestled a jobber on TV while eating a sandwich in the corner, just to show how good he was.
– Next up, King Kong Bundy introduces his new manager, Bobby Heenan, as Heenan traded Jimmy Hart for the Missing Link and Adrian Adonis to acquire Bundy. This sets up a clip from Toronto, as Bundy prevents Andre from cutting John Studd’s hair and then lays him out with splashes until the job squad makes the save. Thank god for Cousin Junior and Jim Brunzell! Bobby complains about losing Manager of the Year again, but doesn’t have much else to add.
– Vince runs down the guests for next week, as Roddy Piper will be guest-hosting (can’t wait for that one!) and our last guest this week is the director of Fuji General Hospital. He’s outraged at having to work with such low-grade actors and being saddled with a crappy script. But enough about See No Evil! Eh, I got nothing else, we’re done.