WE DON’T KNOW
WE’RE THE
M O N D A Y
T N A
R A B B L E
Joining us this week are:
ERIC – The one-sided ring!
BILL – The 2-D ring!
JENNA – The Triangular Ring!
HERNANDEZ – The Squared Circle
JEFFREY – The Pentagonal Presence
CARLA – The Hexagon Hellcat!
CHRIS – The Sectagon S…S… f*ck.. nothing.
And me, your Octagon Guy… Me! James Hatton
The show starting out with dogs!?!? Dogs running around a background with Eric Young.
…A New Age..
“An age of fealty” – Me
“Science & Technology” – Chris
We then get the slow intro with science for the ‘This Is TNA’ with phallic objects… Umaga… I mean Samoa Joe. Kurt ANgle. Sting. Christian. HEY! THAT’S KURT ANGLE!
“Wait who’s the guy wearing the flag?” – Me
“..kurt angle..” – Eric
“I know.” – Me
Hey here comes Christian, the TNA champion!
“Why is he wearing a wizard’s outfit?” – Chris
Ok – here are the rules:
Six Men – If you score a pinfall or submission the person you pinned goes into the penalty box for two minutes.
You then have the availability to climb the ladder and hang the belt. You have to take the belt and put it on the clasp. That’s how you win.
“By putting your own belt away?” – Dani
“Where is it stored?” – Chris
“Hidden in the audience.” – Me
CHRISTIAN vs. KILLINGS vs. JARRETT vs. ABYSS vs. STING
Sting still won’t enter the WWE…
In the ring is Slapnuts himself in the ring with Ron Killings, outside is Christian and Sting beating on Abyss.
Ron Killings hits a split to duck a clothesline. Double hiptoss with Christian to drop Lawler. Christian turns his back and K-Kwik hits a superkick. Christian doesn’t no sell it specifically, but gets up fairly quickly to toss out Killings.
Jarrett gets to his feet and clotheslines – ducked by Christian and he’s clotheslined over. Christian hits the top of the turnbuckle and flies to Jarrett
“Somewhere, Lawler is wondering where all those turnbuckles came from” – Bill
In the ring now comes Abyss, and Sting with Killings.
“Remember.. Abyss.. Not Mankind” – Chris
Abyss goes for a double chokeslam, but it’s stopped by Sting with a twisting fameasser.
They toss out Abyss and Sting off the cage box.
“There’s a penalty box!? What for?” – Bill
“High sticking” – Chris
Sting now in the ring with Jarrett – tosses him to the corner. Stinger splash! Killings back in – to the top and a missle dropkick for the pin onto Jarrett.
“Hey that’s the guitar guy!” – Dani
ONE – TWO – THREE! Jarrett into the Penalty Box! Christian slams a ladder into the face of Killings as we are focused on Sting getting tossed into the box.
Abyss stops the pin between Killings and Christian and kicks out Abyss. Choking Christian on the ropes. Throws Christian to the ropes – press slam from Abyss. Roll-up and Christian gets a pin on Abyss! He takes a cheapshot on Christian and now heads out to the box. No Killings in with Christian, and K-Kwik getting on with Sting.
Abyss goes in as Jarrett gets out.
They keep going to this annoying sepia tone as we head to a commercial
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:09
“So what, they didn’t do a show because Nickolodean needed the studio?” – Dani
“That and anytime someone says ‘I Don’t Know’ they get slimed.” – Me
“That’s why they haven’t said that on the show in months.” – Eric
“The set of Legend of the Hidden Temple couldn’t be moved in time.” – Chris
We’re back and Jarrett has a ladder with Abyss and they have dropped the rest of them.
“Thank god, they fast forwarded it.” – Eric
K-Kwik climbs up onto the ladder to stop them and he gets tossed out of the ring.
“Do you realize we’ve seen more wrestling in the last 12 minutes..” – Hernandez
Jarrett climbs INTO the ladder.. Christian then climbs in to hold the ladder and reach to put the belt up .. with an INVERTED ladder.
Abyss though grabs him and a headscissors over the top.
“What’s Kane doing there.” – Jenna
Jarrett finally crawls away and Killings grabs the belt to hang the belt. He gets to the top and is reaching as Abyss grabs the ladder and pushes him out. Now Abyss and Jarrett are fighting face to face over the belt.
BLACK HOLE SLAM! No ref.. One.. Two.. Three.. Abyss gets a pin over Jarrett. He boots Christian down! He has the belt and is setting the ladder up as Jarrett goes back into the box.
Abyss begins to climb as Sting gets to his feet – and HE throws Abyss over the top – THROUGH the tables set up outside.
“DEET!” – Bill
Christian going face to face with Sting… neither sells a single punch. Sting to the ropes and SPLASH to Christian – he sets Chrsitian into the scorpion deathlock.
“Capri Sun’s Stinger Splash!” – Bill
“THE SCORPION! HE’S DESTROYED!” – Bill
“A canadian hold, he shouldn’t be hurt by it!” – Hernandez
Jarrett now sneaks in with the belt.
“Being sneaky!” – Bill
“Nobody’s looking” – Hernandez
Sting stops him, but eats the belt.
“The hardest weapon in the game.” – Bill
Jarret reares to hit Sting with the guitar, but CHRISTIAN STOPS IT! Sting is now putting Jarrett into the scorpion deathlock. He gives him the gesture to go up the ladder. Zbysko!? HE NUTS CHRSITIAN and Sting hits him out of the ring.
“He’s the living legend and gets taken out by one punch?” – Eric
Sting pins Jarrett. He counts for the ref, who has been knocked out for some reason. Sting climbs! He’s at the top! Christian gets to the top with him! They fight.. and HEBNER PUSHES IT OVER?!?!?
“Somewhere, Russo is thinking ‘nobody will remember this!” – Me
The crowd is THROWING PAPER! He hangs it.. and Jarrett has won the belt.
WINNER: JEFF JARRETT
We get a commercial for TNA.
“If these guys were really hardcore, they would throw molotov cocktails.” – Chris
“M80s… Concrete blocks.” – Hernandez
The Road Warriors. Hacksaw. Johnny Fairplay. Chris Rose. Piper. David Eckstein. CHRIS ROCK!??! Curt Henning. Heenan. Buff Bagwell. Macho Man. Tito Ortiz? ICP. DDP. Snuka. Rodman. Shamrock. TNA.
“We’ll use any footage we can.” – Me
He is Alex Shelly – Head of Paparazzi Productions.
“Is he behind G-TV?” – Me
“No What Would Tyler Durden Do?” – Chris
He was recently hired to attack the brother of Brother Ray.. aka Bubba.
Eric in the back still with sleeping dogs.
The greatest moments in TNA:
Here comes ..
“Jericho?” – Bill
“Sadly.. close.” – Me
#5 – Christian’s first appearance into TNA.
“*snort*” – Bill
“Hulk…. Ho-gan..” – Bill
They give him a quick interview spot about how awesome TNA was.
Next the Six-Sides of Steel.
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:25
The Great Moment: Number 4
AJ STYLES – CHRISTOPHER DANIELS – SAMOA JOE
“AJ… hat straight.” – Chris
WINNER: AJ
They discuss it briefly.
“We were wrong about the amount of wrestling..” – Chris
“Half hour.. one match.. yeah, we’re on par” – Me
“I don’t know which is wrestling and which is commercials” – Bill
“This is boring.” – Dani
We even see the Canadian Destroyer.
“It’s nothing unless you see it top rope through a table.” – Dani
LAX vs. STYLES & DANIELS
Steel Cage
“Are they going to show it?” – Bill
“No. Just commercials.” – Dani
“It’s a blurring of documentary and wrestling.” – Chris
“No, it’s boring with flashing and quickness.” – Dani
“And no wrestling.” – Dani
So they show us how a steel cage works.
“They showed us the rules on this… and not the penalty box match?” – Dani
“I’m almost ready to go back to the dog show.” – Chris
Some girls and zombies talk about the match. We don’t know either.
“Is the witch from MacBeth there.. what the f*ck is this?” – Chris
Finally – here comes LAX….
“Here comes wrestling!” – Chris
“No.. this is just a mugging.” – Me
“They should come down through a barbed wire fence.” – Chris
“They have to come by boat.” – Dani
“Crawl through a sewer” – Chris
“Have dogs chase them out.” – Bill
Now here comes Styles & Daniels. The TNA tag team champs.
“This fed really likes robes and coats.” – Dani
“They are all Masons.” – Chris
“Stonecutters.” – Me
“Daniels is going to through an Avra Kadavra on them.” – Chris
So we get into the ring and the bell rings and Daniels is on Homicide and Styles Hernandez. Not ours.
Daniels tosses Homcide to the ropes and they now double team on Hernandez. Double elbow. Double leg drop. More sepia tone. Daniels now in with Hernandez. Dropkick as people head to their corners. Tag to StylesThrows Hernandez to the ropes – there is some leap spots to end with Styles getting a dropkick at the end.
Daniels picks him up – clothesline from Styles. Daniels heads to the outside. Styles botches a spot.
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:40
“You know we aren’t going to see a commercial for the f*cking Marine.” – Bill
We come back and Daniels is climbing to the outside. Homiside coming after him and Styles is outside the cage! Homicide gets him so he’s hanging and he’s pulling him out! Daniels runs up and grabs Homicide with a belly to back.
Hernandez runs under Daniels. Slams down Daniels who back drops Homicide. Hernandez up… HUGE FLYING LEAP FROM STYLES!!!! Ok, that was badass.
Daniels hits an RKO.. an FU… he leaps at Hernandez, caught and FLUNG by Hernandez…
Hernandez to the top! He’s on his feet… HE LEAP/FALLS… Ouch.
“I an hear knee extensions.” – Me
In the corner, Styles is being beaten on by Daniels… Konnan brings in a coat hanger.
“There’s going to be an abortion?” – Me
Hernandez uses it to choke out Styles – and it somehow ends up with Konnan using it on Daniels. Styles finally gets to his feet and catches up… hits Hernandez! Styles Clash! SET-UP… NO! HOMICIDE HITS THE FUCKING VERTIBREAKER… God I hate to see that move.
WINNER: LAX
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:55
They discussed Hogan. I was smoking. More commercials.
“I feel like they are going to try and start selling me a pocket fisherman.” – Me
“They already have” – Eric
“Do you think these guys get paid by the word… they really talk alot.” – Chris
“Maximum Verbosity.” – Me
“It was the best of times.. It was the worst of times.” – Bill
JARRETT vs. STING
Angle as Enforcer
Lock-up to start. Sting breaks out of it. Lock-up again, and an armdrag from Jarrett. Side headlock to Sting. Another armdrag.
COMMERCIAL!?!?!??!? SIX – 10:02
We discuss the new style match they are announcing at the end of the show.
“Thumb wrestling?” – Eric
“Too obvious, dwarf tossing?” – Chris
“Can you just do it to ANY dwarf?” – Bill
“No, it has to be consensual.” – Chris
Hey – we’re back and they are both knocked out while Kurt Angle sits outside and plays his Nintendo DS… They get to number eight. Nine.. and in runs Angle to stop the count before ten!
He throws out the ref.
“Kurt doesn’t like the ref for some reason.” – Chris
Back to their feet and punch to punch. Sting throws Jarrett to the ropes and an inverted atomic. Clothesline. Stinger splash. Reverse DDT. Kicks to the gut from Lawler now. The Stroke! ONE – TWO – – – ARM UP!
Jarrett goes for a piledriver… Sting reverses it with a TOMBSTONE piledriver… for two.
Lowblow from Jarrett as they get ot heir feet and Angle yells at him. Sting is now on the top turnbuckle. Jarrett climbs… Jarrett’s going for the Stroke – Sting elbows out of it and throws him down. He goes to splash – and eats his knees.
“Do you think his power goes as his makeup disappears?” – Chris
“Sting needs make-up… badly.” – Bill
Jarrett now throws in the figure four… gets it in. Sting slowly reverses it… Jarrett now lets go and he throws Sting into the Ankle Lock!
Sting finally rolls out of it – sending Jeff to the floor. Stong goes and grabs his bat, and tells Angle no – then removes it.. but in comes Jarrett with the guitar. EL KABONG!
Sting laughs!
“The make-up starts reapplying itself.” = Bill
“LIMIT BREAK! THE KLIM-HAZZARD” – Chris
He drops Jarrett – uses the Scorpion Deathlock. Wins. Wha?!
WINNER: STING?!? …oooh kay….
Now we have Christian Cage & Rhino in an 8-Mile street fight.
“A rap off?” – Me
This is a street-fight. That’s all.
CHRISTIAN vs. RHINO
Christian’s a heel?
Rhino makes it to the entrance to see his pyro.. and then runs in to grab Christian and then out to the parking lot they go.
“The always popular headlights on.” – Chris
“Those are fans’ cars.” – Bill
Rhino slams Christian around the cars, then throws him across some chains.
“OW OW OW OW… There’s a nail on that board.” – Hernandez
They head back in.
“Because it’s DANGEROUS out there.” – Bill
They fight through the backstage area and onto a zamboni. It gets turned on and Rhino rides it to the arena…
“He’s gonna put Christian on… nevermind..” – Bill
“Ice.” – Eric
“You said it..” – Bill
He throws Christian off the top of the zamboni.
COMMERCIAL SEVEN (maybe eight..) – 10:20
We’re back and Rhino and Christian are fighting on the outside apron. Rhino throws Christian back in…. but then they go BACK to the apron.
“They have no idea what they are doing.” – Hernandez
PILEDRIVER THROUGH A TABLE OUTSIDE!
They show the replay..
“TWICE?!” – Me
And again…
“THREE TIMES?!?!” – Hernandez
We come back in the ring and Rhino sets up Christian for the Gore. He runs – and Christian MOVES.. He goes for the pin for two!
Christian now piles crap on top of Rhino… and beats on the pile of shit with a chair.
“He’s pounding him like veal!” – Chris
He goes for the pin.. and GETS IT…
The Top 5 again
WINNER: CHRISTIAN
The Number 2 Biggest Moment Of Wrestling: Sting Returns!
We get the build up for Samoa Joe vs. Kurt!
SAMOA JOE vs. KURT ANGLE
Nice…
“YOU SU… CK>….” – Me
“ONE FISH…….. T… T…. TWO FISH… DAMMIT!” – Bill
Angle charges Joe to the corner! They fight on the ropes.
“Stop it.. it tickles!” – Hernandez
Angle now runs in, single leg takedown by Angle – grabs for his leg but Samoa grabs the rope to break a leg lock. Back to their feet and Joe hits a bunch of knees – fists and a headbutt. He now stomps Angle down. Beats him hard to the mat.
Throws Angle to the ropes – but Angle hits a belly to belly and clotheslines him over the top! Samoa grabs his legs and pulls out Angle out to the mat and slams him into the steel seperators. Rolls him in for a two count.
Back to their feet, Angle now hits some european uppercuts.
“What is the other import form samoa, other than wrestlers.” – Chris
Angle rolls out of the ring and then OVER the top rope!
COMMERICAL EIGHT – 10:38
We’re back – and Angle has knocked out Samoa. He removes the straps! A bloody Angle grabs Samoa’s leg and the Ankle Lock is in!
“I CAn’T ROLL… I’M TOO BIG!” – Hernandez
Samoa crawls for the ropes… Pulls him back to the center. Joe rolls onto his back – kicks out Angle’s leg.. and RIGHT INTO THE NAKED CHOKE!
Angle’s head is purple! Neat. Joe has it in, but Angle still has his leg!?!? He twists out of it and STILL has Joe’s leg! Joe tucks and rolls and kicks Angle out of it… Joe charges and eats the post into the Angle Slam! He puts the straps back on… takes em off…. RIGHT INTO THE ANKLE LOCK AGAIN!
JOE TAPS!
JOE TAPS!
WINNER: KURT ANGLE!
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:47
Elevation X… the newest match.. debuting at Destination-X.
“CGI!?!?” – Hernandez
The Number One moment now… they aren’t going to explain the match? Fuck.
SO it’s not even one event.. it’s TWO moments… wha!??
Now who is interrupting – Christian! I miss him.
Anyway – he gets the mic and screams at everyone to shut the hell up. So he tells Tenay to shut up and he doesn’t want him to ruin the Number One moment of TNA.
He throws out Tenay. He feels he knows what the top TNA moments are. They are of course when Christian Cage won the title for the first.. and second time. That would give him three of the top five moments.
“Damn I’m good.” – Christian
The Greatest Moment issssssss:
October 1st, 2005 – Impact Debuts on Spike
“Awww Christian is sad.” – Bill
September 24th, 2006 – The entrant of an Olympic Gold Medalist.
“Muhammad Ali?” – Chris
“WOO!” – Bill
Christian is standing in the center of the ring.. pissed.
And how do they end the show… with a Fozzy Song! HA!
“The only reason they are doing this is to f*ck with Vince.. nobody likes Fozzy” – Chris
“It’s Mongoose McQueen motherf*cker!” – Me
“Enraged Razberry?” – Chris
So what did the Rabble think?
“Show us a match!!! I mean they went right to commercial after each beginning.. why?” – Chris
“It was wonderful. Thanks.” – Carla
“Not bad, I prefer WWE..” – Jeffrey
“After seeing just that, I understand.” – Eric
“I enjoyed it. I hope they keep a Monday night spot.” – Hernandez
“That was a f*cked up dog show.” – Bill
“They could have picked much better matches for their best of show.” – Eric
“I tend to agree, it felt much more like an infomercial than it did a wrestling best of. Ah well… next week, back to the E.” – Me
