Memo to the Taliban: Look, you f*ckups, do I have to do everything myself?
For late February, it was actually a decent sports Sunday. We had a #1 versus #2 game in college hoops, and both were teams from the Midwest, in a close, tight game decided in the final seconds. The only unfortunate part of this is that The Ohio State University will become the number one team in the land for the first time since before I was born. Please, someone bitch-slap them down before their heads explode. You know, like Florida did in January.
That game was nothing compared to the final of the Accenture, though. Wow, what a roller-coaster. American fans knew before this what Geoff Ogilvy could do. He redefined the term “clutch” when he won this tournament last year. Very few, though, knew exactly what Henrik Stenson could do. He’s been lights-out in Europe the last couple of years, but only fair-to-middling in the States. Well, he showed them. Thirty-six holes of collapse, then recovery, then collapse, lather, rinse, repeat, featuring the tournament’s defending champ (and defending US Open champ) against one of the big up-and-comers. The Accenture is one of the reasons I cite when anyone asks me why I’m a golf fan, and this demonstrated why. Who cares that Tigger wasn’t there? This kicked ten thousand levels of serious ass. Thanks to this win, Stenson is now up to fifth in the world, so maybe he’ll get more attention from the press, and given how Ogilvy used this as a springboard to a major, maybe we’re talking Henrik as a major winner this year. My eye’s on the PGA. He can definitely play Southern Hills, which is a nightmare for most golfers (including Tigger, who’s never had success there).
And now that we’ve knocked that out, let’s turn to the ongoing nightmare that is my life. On Thursday, I was woken up at the crack of noon by my doctor’s office. The nurse told me, “We got your lab results in. Do you know you’re diabetic?”
No, honey, but thanks for telling me. That’s it, folks. The last thing I need to add to my cycle of misery is taking more pills and testing my blood sugar twice a day. Is there a f*cking Return Policy on the human body? Oh, I can imagine going up to that Customer Service counter…
“Good morning, sir. Can I help you?”
Yes, I’d like to return this body for an exchange.
“Okay, sir, you’re at the right place for that. Any specific reason?”
Well, it hasn’t been giving me good performance. Bipolar disorder, diabetes, two bad knees, bad ankle…
“Well, I’m sorry about that. We do try to set you up for the best of possible bodies, but you never know if someone had a bad day at the factory. I’ve got to complete some paperwork for an exchange. How old are you?”
Forty-two.
“Well, you’re a little out of warranty.”
How long is the warranty?
“That depends on state law, sir. In many states, it’s three months after conception, but less civilized areas are trying to take away your right to exchange completely. Fortunately, you’re in Illinois, sir.”
And I thank God for that every day. No problem, I’ll pay for the exchange.
“Credit card, sir?”
Visa.
“All right. Any modifications to the original equipment?”
I had LASIK a few years ago. Does a pierced ear count? And what about circumcision?
“No, sir, the pierced ear doesn’t count. The LASIK by itself doesn’t void your Terms of Service since nothing was removed. And we’re very understanding about circumcision considering that most American men of your age didn’t have a choice in the matter. By the way, do you want the exchange to be circumcised?”
No, thank you. I can always have it done later if I want it.
“Good, that makes it a little easier. Are you a smoker?”
Two packs a day for over twenty years.
“I see. Drinker?”
No.
“Good. Drug use, prescription or otherwise?”
Ten minutes later…
“Ooooh, sir. Technically, you’ve violated your Terms of Service, and our policy is very strict on that. But, most of that drug use has been for those defects…look, here’s what I can do for you. I’ll put the reasons down on the exchange form. My supervisor’s very understanding when it comes to those things. You’ll have to pay for the exchange, and you do have to pay an additional charge for the damage done by the smoking and medication, but we can give you one.”
Well, that’s good.
“Now, any preferences?”
Oh, something a little bit more muscular and hairy in the body department, a little taller. And a larger penis would be nice.
“That’s a rather common wish list, sir. Fortunately, we’re well-set. We just got in a shipment of Welsh Rugby Player yesterday. The livers are a bit iffy, but the brains have hardly been used.”
That’s good. I have a lot of wear and tear on my brain from overuse.
“We find that, with these brains, your original intelligence sets in very fast. I’ve got some pictures here…”
They all look like Hyatte.
“A common complaint with this model, sir. Don’t worry, sir, the hair will grow back in after the exchange.”
Okay, then, I’ll take this one. He doesn’t look too bad.
“Then we’re all set, sir. If you’ll just come back with me, we can begin the exchange…”
…oh, if only it were that easy. However, this will probably pass. Knowing my luck, though, the pills will drop my glucose level to the point where I’ll be hypoglycemic.
Might as well get on to some good things in my life…
HEY, FOR ONCE A GOOD YEAR FOR OSCAR PREDICTIONS
Okay, let’s see how I did this year:
Best Picture, nailed. Best Director, nailed. Best Actress, nailed for a change. Best Actor, changed my mind for the Round Table with an explanation and nailed, so I’m counting that one. Best Supporting Actress, nailed. Best Supporting Actor, nailed in the initial predictions, then changed my mind in the Round Table after Murphy won the GGs and SAGs, but kept Arkin as my Should Win and, haha, fellow Junkies, WAS THE ONLY ONE TO MENTION HIM, so I’m counting that one too, plus it gives me the right to gloat. Best Original Screenplay I had as my Should Win, but with no confidence in it winning, so I’ll go No on that. Best Adapted Screenplay, nailed. Best Song, whiffed (but I will give credit to myself for saying that Dreamgirls would eat its own). Best Animated Film, I’m really pissed off about, and I don’t want to talk about it. Fucking penguins.
So, out of ten categories, I had seven bulls-eyes with one near-miss in Best Original Screenplay and mega-bonus points for Arkin. That allows me to display the Golden Big Swinging Dick out of my pants around Popcorn Junkies HQ for an entire year and allows me to challenge Mike for a world title match at any point until the next Oscars broadcast.
Now that I’ve sufficiently pimped myself, let’s pimp everyone else…
THE PIMP SECTION
Visit Pulse Wrestling
Visit Tailgate Crashers
Visit The DVD Lounge
Visit Machine Gun Funk
Visit Popcorn Junkies
Visit Moodspins
Because it’s still February.
Oops, I’ll pimp myself first. One movie review in Popcorn Junkies, one DVD review in the Lounge, one more DVD review in queue, with another coming up for later this week. I do like to get my DVD reviews out of the way so I can continue receiving free swag. That’s the quid pro quo here (as well as being a cute little reference to one of those reviews): you send me free shit, I review it. Hello, Gabe and Cary.
And speaking of them, Glazer has an interview with Roderick Strong. Interesting read.
Burnside doesn’t mention the amount of money that Vince would have had to spend to buy out all those WCW guaranteed contracts. It would have easily run ten times the amount he paid for WCW in the first place. And yet he let his ‘tard mailbagger off the hook on that one. Come on, Burnsie, you’re not one to let someone get away with that. Must be that man-flu.
You’ll understand when you get older, Vincenzo.
Brashear is all Mistico, all the time.
Fernandez defends True House Music. Words cannot express how proud I am of him for doing that.
It’s not true that nobody blinked when the Clash signed with CBS, Paul. Mark Perry of Sniffin’ Glue Magazine was furious about that and said so publicly at the time. He felt that had the Clash put out an independently-produced-and-released EP, it could have broken the monopoly of record companies. He’s always stated that the Clash signing to CBS was the end of the purity of the punk movement. So don’t go making blanket statements like that.
Cox and his buddy Chuckles dis Scottie. You don’t dis Scottie, not if you want to live. Just remember, Michael never won a championship without him.
Tierney took the weekend off, so he’s got lots of baseball news.
I’m the guy Wind would end up arguing with as I would end up defending the music of 1984 to my death. Or his, whichever comes first.
MacKay doesn’t have the personal background in mental disorders that I do, so I can tell him this with confidence: Roslin has a variant of bipolar disorder that we bipolars call “batshit”.
OH, GOD, IS THIS ANOTHER WEEK WHERE THIS COLUMN’S GOING TO END UP BEING THE PIMP SECTION AND THE SHORT FORM?
Yep.
Oh, wait, I lied…
IMPACT SOMEWHAT SPOILED
Yeppers, there were tapings in Orlando. So here’s the Russo-riffic crap you’re going to be force-fed over the next couple of weeks…
Backlund-ference will play a key role in a good six-man X Division match. Surprisingly, it won’t ruin the match too much.
In case you’re curious about how low the Naturals have sunk, tune in Thursday. That’s when you’ll see Chase Stevens job to Big Sump Pump as part of this big push to make us believe that Angle actually takes this shit seriously.
JOHNNY FUCKIN’ RODZ shows up in Sheremetyevo’s latest video. In response to this, Hyatte comes out of retirement again.
It takes four guys to take Joe out. Three of them you won’t be surprised about, but you might in regard to the fourth.
That’s show number one. Now for number two…
Serotonin jobs again. Surprise.
To celebrate the long-overdue release of Alastair Rouse, the other members of Team Canada are all involved in six-man. Tragically, they’re not on the same side.
We have a new member of the Spanish Announce Team, and it’s Hector Guerrero. It’s an appropriate position for the former Gobbledygooker, you’ve got to admit.
The Christian Coalition is officially named, and challenges Angle and Joe to a six-man with a partner of their choice. Who will that man be? Oh, hell, I’ll tell you: it’s Rhiyno. That, of course, means A. J. will stick his nose in on that match, and just to balance things out, Sting shows up too. It’ll be amusing, to say the least.
Ah, screw it. You all read the Short Form anyway after the shows are broadcast, so you don’t care. And speaking of Short Forms…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Jeffykins over Shelton Benjamin, Money In The Bank Qualifying Match (Pinfall, Swanton): Oh, come on. Now that’s simply not fair to Shelton. If there’s any guy who’s made Money In The Bank more than Van Dam has, it’s Benjy. He needs to be in there. In the meantime, why is Fingers (and the retards in the Den of Smelly Proles) still talking about a Hardly Mem/MNM gimmick match for WM? Hasn’t that gone out the window now? Or does everyone actually want two gimmick matches featuring Jeffykins at WM? For that matter, why is anyone with any sense of taste wanting Jeffykins in ANY match at Wrestlemania? So many questions, so few answers that don’t involve dropping acid.
I Heart Shelton
Melina Perez over Maria Kanelis, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, knee to the chooch): It’s a women’s match featuring Maria. Like we care.
Maria still isn’t convinced that you can’t do that Matrix shit in real life
Carly Colon over My Illegitimate Son Ken Doane (Pinfall, backcracker): Son, what did I tell you? Never f*ck with Puerto Ricans. They carry knives. That being said, you did carry that complete waste of oxygen to a pretty good match, so I’ll forgive you this transgression. This time.
Rats and Puerto Ricans are most dangerous when backed into a corner
Shawn Michaels and his useless piece of shit partner over Edge and his useless piece of shit partner, Tag Title Match (Pinfall, Cena pins Orton, F-U): Well, at least Edge and Michaels were in there for sufficient amounts of time for this to be mildly amusing and diverting. Of course, there was nothing to cause any advancement between Cena and Michaels, but, hey, let’s spread a little disunity between Edge and Orton, huh? Just ignore the man behind the curtain who keeps saying that they’re going up against DX when Trip comes back, just look at the screen and fall for the teasy-weasy bullshit and believe that they’ll be broken up. And there are people out there who will buy that. You’re still wondering why I hate wrestling fans?
Hmmmmm, Cena’s never needed help choking before
Angle Developments:
What a difference fifteen years and male pattern baldness makes
Normally, I’d cheer this, but Super Crazy is the only Mexican I like
The Bobby Prize: I don’t have a problem with Bobby Lashley being Trump’s representative. I do have a problem with the ECW World Champion being Trump’s representative. With Jamalga holding the IC strap, that means that two belts are taken out of play for Wrestlemania. That doesn’t seem right. How about escalating this a bit beyond the follicles of two guys who aren’t in this match in the first place and make it Title Versus Title? Lashley’s one of Vince’s pet projects, right? Supposedly, ECW is being propped up for his benefit. So, what better way to increase his exposure than to get him on ECW and Raw as World Champion and Intercontinental Champion? Of course, now that I said this, it won’t happen.
I’m still trying to figure out how the ring didn’t collapse from the sheer amount of suck
The Last King Of Memphis: Well, the rumors were true about Lawler being tapped for the HoF. Now we can undergo the perverse experience of Ross and Lawler inducting each other (Ross will be next week’s inductee). Surrealism is something that WWE hasn’t provided on a regular experience lately, so it’ll be fun to have it back for one night.
Well, there may not be much in the news department, but, hell, we’ve still got Short Forms and those DVD reviews to tide you over and get you your fill of the goodness that is me. I’ll see you after I watch ECW and WSX, okay?
