Contradicting Popular Opinion:
An Enquiry Concerning Why Your Favorite Movie Sucks
Well, the Oscars came and went without disrupting things too much. It wasn’t a terribly exciting event, so we here at CPO have come up with a couple of ways to liven up the beast.
I had some friends over for the show, and the first thing we did was set up Oscar Bingo boards. Conveniently, there are 24 awards up for grabs, and 24 spaces on a bingo board. (The middle is, of course, the free spot; feel free to fill that in with the predetermined honorary Oscar winner.)
The problem, which we soon learned, is that getting one category wrong will eliminate many possibilities of winning. As it stands, I was the only person to manage a single BINGO situation. I achieved this by means of lining up 5 complete locks, i.e. Adapted and Original Screenplay, Best Actor, Best Actress, and Best Documentary.
In addition to the semi-ill-fated Bingo experiment, we also developed an Oscar drinking game. I’m sure that many other similar games have already been invented, but let’s share anyway.
The Oscars Drinking Game
Take one drink when
A winner thanks God
A winner thanks his/her parents or spouse
The war is mentioned
Global warming or “going green” is brought up
If the winner says, “I didn’t prepare.”
If the winner reads off of an index card
A winner thanks his/her agent
Hollywood applauds its ability to award non-white people
Take two drinks if
A winner tells his/her children to go to bed
A wardrobe malfunctions
A male presenter/winner is not wearing a tie
Anna Nicole Smith is mentioned
The winner didn’t bother showing
Someone brings his/her child or his/her mom as his/her date.
Take three drinks in case of
Peter O’Toole’s untimely death
An outfit that could be described as “Bjork-like”
One of the nominees being bad-mouthed during the winner’s acceptance speech
A genre film winning an acting award
The following scenarios require participant to chug an entire bottle
Somebody “comes out” of that proverbial closet
A winner says, “I’d like to thank God, but there is no god.”
A winner thanks Hitler (a la an old “Kids in the Hall” bit)
Jack Nicholson looks sober
But being a teetotaler, those sorts of things only afford me moderate amusement. As such, I have decided to re-write some of the winners’ acceptance speeches in order to make them more interesting.
CPO’s 2007 Academy Awards Winner’s Speeches, rewritten
Best Costume Design: Milena Canonero for Marie Antoinette
“I’d like to say, goddamn do I ever deserve this thing. I mean, sure a lot of my costumes look similar, but hell it worked for Scorpion, Sub-Zero and Reptile!
“Palette swap baby!
“Seriously though, The Queen? Where is the design there? Y’all just looked at old footage of the queen and trolled the Village Discount Thrift for clothes that looked about the same. You shouldn’t get an award for that.
“In closing, I blinds (sic.) everybody with my super high beams, I’m a squirrel crushing, deer smacking, driving machine! Canonero!”
Best Sound Editing: Alan Robert Murray and Bud Asman for Letters from Iwo Jima
Asman: I’m sorry, I’m just really depressed about Alan Robert Murray and Bud Asman losing in this category for Flags of our Fathers. I thought their work was great. Can we share this award with them?
Murray: I’ve always been better than myself. Always!
Asman: Honestly, I would also like to share my award with (PK’s favorite wrestler) Monty Kip Sopp, the man who taught me everything I know about being an Asman.
Best Achievement in Sound: Michael Minkler, Bob Beemer and Willie D. Burton for Dreamgirls
Minkler: This is amazing. I think we’ve got like 9 Oscars between us.
Beemer: That’s almost excessive!
Burton: Hey Kevin O’Connell, maybe 20th time will be the charm, eh?
All: You poor dumb loser.
Best Cinematography: Guillermo Navarro for Pan’s Labyrinth
“Ha! Guillermo wins! Finally you bastards recognize that Guillermo is the best in the world at filming gears! Big f*cking gears, little menacing gears, it doesn’t f*cking matter! Guillermo does it all!
“I’m off to shoot some of Hellboy II I will shoot bigger gears than you can imagine! In fact, del Toro and I are going to disassemble this f*cking Oscar, throw in some little, tiny gears and use it in a sequel to Cronos!
Best Director: Marty Scorsese for the The Departed
“All those years, I wanted to make a prestige picture, I wanted to stretch my talent beyond gritty thug films, branch out into new territory, make a true Oscar picture, and you f*ckheads finally give me my Academy Award for making yet another gangster picture. Not only that, but it’s a remake of a picture that is less than 5 years old?! I hate you all so much!
“That being said, I’m having an operation to surgically attach this award to my person. Also, I’m legally changing my name to “Academy Award Winning Director Martin ‘Oscar’ Scorsese”.
Best Actor: Forest Whitaker for The Last King of Scotland
“Wow. It feels so weird to win. This was my first nomination. Sorry Peter O’Toole. I’m just teasing you Peter. You were the bomb in Phantoms.
“I’d like to apologize for Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000, and for directing Hope Floats. But, you know, it’s weird. The more years pass, the better Species looks. You’ve got Oscar Winner Me, the Oscar Winning Ben Kingsley, the Oscar nominated Michelle Williams, the multiple award nominee and respected actor Alfred Molina, the Emmy winning Marg Helgenberger … Even the director went on to make Thirteen Days and The World’s Fastest Indian. Kick Madsen out of there, you got yourself an A picture!
“In closing, I’d appreciate it if you all stopped staring at my amblyopia. I didn’t have no damn stroke! That was my character on “ER” goddamnit! I just have a lazy eye
“Oh, and I’d like to thank my wife, I guess.”
Best Picture: The Departed, award accepted by producer Graham King
“This is everybody’s favorite part of the show! The culmination, the moment of climax, where the most important award at the most important entertainment award show, the Best Picture statue is handed to … some guy nobody at home even recognizes.
“This year, I am that guy. And no, I am not the guy that played the Juggernaut in X3. I have nothing to do with the X-Men. Well, I am making a film called Gambit but it’s got nothing to do with the X-Man.
“Finally, I’d like to thank Hitler… “