The Impact Short Form, 04.05.07

FDA: Pet chews could be contaminated with salmonella – header on

You may wonder exactly who has jurisdiction over what when it comes to pet comestibles. USDA FSIS, my former employers, inspects pet food plants if the pet food in question contains meat and poultry. If you think that’s weird, consider that there are some poor people who think that dog food is a nifty substitute for more expensive meat products. Since it might be consumed by humans, USDA handles it just like it does actual human food. Things like pet treats and non-meat-containing pet food is under the purview of FDA, which is why they released this little info bomb. No surprise here, really; anything inspected by FDA gets short shrift when it comes to food safety. Just a thought to mull over while you’re having a snack. Or Rover’s having one.

And if you’ve figured out that I can’t think of an lead to this episode of Impact, you’re right, not after Augusta pulled out a bitch-slap to the entire field in the first round, leaving the tournament a mystery. So let’s do it…

Match Results:

Rhiyno over Name I Cannot Use Because I’m Trying To Get Back With USDA And It Could Be Construed As A Conflict Of Interest Tomko, Eight-Moron Street Fight (Pinfall, Goar Goar Goar): Look, after Tuesday, any kind of clusterf*ck match like this is going to be an anticlimax at best. That’s really what it was. An anticlimax that had to have a commercial break. This match never got going and never got interesting. Too bad, really, because we all know that Rhiyno definitely has been infected by the Bacillus Of Extreme, and he can go in this environment (look what he did with Christian in that cage match, the best thing he’s done in years). However, he had to haul Tomko around the arena, which never helps. And the apres didn’t introduce a new member to Team Angle, which it was perfectly set up to do. Better luck next time.

Awwww, Tomko’s so cute when he tries to act tough

Road Hogg and Billy Bitchcakes over Homicide and Hotstuff Hernandez (DQ, melee): Spics versus Hicks, yay. Oh, who cares? The feud between Sheremetyevo and the ex-Dudleys has gone on for so long that I don’t think anyone remembers how it began, and injecting the ex-NAO into the proceedings isn’t helping any (especially since the Two Meters Of Useless named Lance Hoyt has joined them). The dictionary definition of “boredom” now includes this feud. Let’s just blow this thing off, give the ex-Dudleys the goddamn titles, and do something else.

(By the way, it’s the amperage that kills you, not the voltage. Yeah, it’ll be ten thousand volts, at around a hundreth of an amp.)

My God, when I’m actually preferring to see five minutes of Kevin Nash, something’s wrong…

…well, Nash did pull out his old Oz robe to give to Sonjay, so…no, must stop thinking bad thoughts. Think happy things. Benoit versus anyone but Porter. An X Division title match that means something. Cena getting put through a tree shredder along with the Hardly Men. Now take the pills…ah, that’s better.

Hey, Hernandez does have an occasional use. Surprises me too.

Austin Aries over Low Ki, Submission Match (Submission (duh), Testicle Ecstacy, Backlund throws in towel): Oh, if this were only ROH. Then this match would be a main event, it would last at least forty-five minutes, we wouldn’t have to deal with the stupid name changes…happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts…well, if Gabe had Backlund there, he would have done the throw in the towel thing…no, no, back to happy thoughts…ROH, Danielson, Jacobs, no more Cunt Cabana…ahhhhhhhhh.

Well, at least Tenay called the Dragon Sleeper correctly. That’s more than we can expect from anyone in WWE these days.

Angle Developments:

What a waste of perfectly good champagne

Screw teaming up. Triple Threat in the cage at Lockdown between them, now.

Okay, Cornette promo = happy thoughts under any circumstance. Frankly, I want Cornette to cut a promo at my funeral. Hell, with him talking, I didn’t even vomit when he set up that blindfold match.

And we’ve got one more wrestling show to go before I can settle into full-out Masters mode. I’ll also be throwing in a CD review into whatever section I have posting access in whenever I finish it, and I’ll start working on those goddamn reviews (especially since Travis just sent me another one, so that’s three in the queue). Maybe one of these days, I’ll actually get a life. Hell, I’m going for a workout. You enjoy yourselves.


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