Contradicting Popular Opinion: Special Arbor Day edition

Contradicting Popular Opinion:
An Enquiry Concerning Why Your Favorite Movie Sucks


I’m strapped for time tonight. Much of it was eaten by Super Paper Mario, which may be better than sliced bread.

But I still have time to ask you an important question:

Do you ever take drugs so that you can have sex without crying?

No wait, that is Sarah Silverman’s question. . .

Oh yeah,

Why does Disney hate the traditional family?

I think this is a question that all of us have asked at one point or another. Disney families tend to be broken, dysfunctional or nonexistent. Why is this? And why is it that those annoying religious groups who are always trying to protect the image of the traditional family never bother Disney?

Snow White is a happy princess. The queen wants to have her heart chopped out and put in a box. Not a good family.

Pinocchio was made out of wood. Probably didn’t have a proper family.

Dumbo was brought by the stork to his mom. Presumably, he has no father. His mother spent a large portion of the movie in elephant jail.

We all know what happened to Bambi’s mom.

Peter Pan has no family and attempts to steal a mother.

Arthur has a sadistic adopted family in The Sword and the Stone.

Cinderella has a sadistic adopted family in Cinderella.

Princess Aurora is willingly abandoned by her family, so that she can be raised by pudgy lesbian witches.

Simba watches his father die, then spoons with the corpse.

Lilo and Stitch actually acknowledges that their family is “broken” and that it is hard to grow up without parents.

Aladdin has no family. Jasmine only has a father.

Ariel the mermaid has only a father.

Belle of Beauty and the Beast has only a father.

Andy of Toy Story seems to be raised by a single mother.

Now this is hardly something that started with Disney. Evil adopted families have always been a staple of cautionary fables. For literary purposes, there is nothing quite so universally scary as a wicked parent. But why has Disney gone to this well so often?

Perhaps it is to promote their true agenda! Look at the two most prominent Disney cartoons with stable (so-called) traditional families. Lady and the Tramp, and 101 Dalmatians.

Disney is sending out the message: without dogs, there is no family.

I’m just saying.