Welcome back, Pulse Wrestling Answers, send in questions, blah, blah, humourous statement, usual spiel, et cetera.
Excuse the brevity of this week’s installment. My laptop has developed the annoying tendency to pass out on a regular basis, so I’ve had to hijack someone else’s computer to type on and don’t really want to spend too long on it. Otherwise I might have to pay them and, well, I am Scottish.
Now, the meaty Q&A goodness is down below but before we get down to it let’s discuss something of vital shininess.
WrestleMania XXIV.
A giant bowl of Citrus. Somewhere in the region of 1,367,899 fans in attendance, packing jam. Ridiculous statements of over-the-top hyperbole. And, hopefully, a lot of rain. That’ll teach the buggers to have tickets when I can’t go.
Yet the problem remains of what those rain-soaked attendees are going to get to watch. WWE seemed to have two very simple aims – to showcase John Cena once again, and to culminate Ken Kennedy’s (LOL Kennedy LOL) year-long road to a title. The former is still possible, yet the small matter of his opponent remains to be seen. The latter remains on course for the time being, albeit on a different path. The Undertaker will be back and in need of a sixteenth jobber. Triple H, Rey Mysterio and Shawn Michaels should also all be back and after a spot on the card – and we won’t be allowed to forget Bobby Lashley, Batista or Edge, among others.
If anybody has any thoughts on how to book the card, send them in. I’m curious about what the consensus is on this one.
A few tentative suggestions
– John Cena vs Bobby Lashley, for the WWE Championship
There is an extraordinarily easy lead-in to this feud: Lashley was in the military; Cena pretended to be. Lashley comes from a military family, won amateur wrestling contests whilst in the army, served for three years and left as a sergeant. Cena supports the troops and seems to have a genuine respect for what they do, yet he never joined the army, with the closest he came to being a soldier being a crappy movie. Build up a little friendly rivalry between them, with innocuous confrontations at the Survivor Series, then in the Elimination Chamber, and then at the Royal Rumble, with each one becoming a little bit more intense. Eventually, one of them will snap and things will start to get personal, by which point the promos write themselves. It involves a topical issue and it should inevitably lead to Lashley getting rather more face support from the fans than the lacklustre response he currently gets in his anti-McMahon role. It also leaves an easy way to turn Cena heel should they feel the need, otherwise they would need to be careful enough to not have him disparage the military to the point that his fanbase might lose interest.
– Triple H vs Ken Kennedy, for the World Heavyweight Title
Or maybe not for a title, depending on whether Triple H is ready to work Tuesdays by now. I suppose given the current nature of the brand split they could easily just have a Raw guy challenging for a Smackdown title anyway, although rumours persist that Kennedy ROLFMAO will wind up on Raw sooner rather than later. There’s no special reasoning behind this suggestion other than I think the two prove very compatible with one another, give us some excellent promo work in the build-up, have a decent little match and make it a first-time-ever affair to boot. It would also mean the two top Mania matches would involve four guys who are all very presentable to the media, unlike this year when we had an offensive Samoan stereotype and a dead biker zombie guy to contend with. But would the Hs be prepared to pull out all the stops and put over another newbie on the biggest stage of them all, or would he rather finally get another victory at WrestleMania?
– The Undertaker vs Edge
I don’t really have to explain this one do I? In hindsight, they really should have just let Edge win Money in the Bank last time around. At least then we would have a streak vs streak motif as well.
– Money in the Bank IV
Obviously. I favour the notion of having an established star win it next time around. It makes things a bit more variable, especially since they would not then actually have to win the title they cashed in for. With this in mind, I’d say give it to Batista or Rey Mysterio, keeping them in the main event loop without really having to do much with them
– Chris Benoit vs C.M. Punk, for the ECW Championship
I was going to have Elijah Burke against Punk here but since that feud is no doubt going to run on through the summer anyway, we might as well vary it up here. Besides, there are plenty of other options for Burke alongside Montgomery Cor Von. Again, this is a very simple yet effective storyline waiting to be told. Benoit is the irritated veteran who returns to his roots as his career begins to wind down. He winds up taking the belt from Lashley thanks to interference, perhaps from Cena, perhaps from a McMahon, perhaps from Punk himself. Punk is the irritating newbie who doesn’t give a shit about the original ECW because he can look at nothing but the future, which he sees as belonging to him. He’s fed up with waiting and he feels he can out-wrestle Benoit, while Benoit quite rightly knows Punk has never faced somebody who could break his f*cking neck before. Game on. Give it 20-30 minutes, let them do what they feel they must, and we should get a classic.
– Obligatory Playboy match
Mmm classy
Right, well, digest that lot and read on:
â€ÂBillowing backpacks, Radioactive Man! It’s the worst villain of them all! The Scout Master!â€Â
Striker64 kicks it off with a forum-based enquiry:
“I just thought of one while responding in another topic.
I know that Superstar Billy Graham was the longest reigning heel world champion in the WWWWWWWWWWF at 11 months. Did Triple H break this record in 2003?
I’ve got another one to settle a little debate in another thread.
In 2003, Brock Lesnar turned heel shortly after losing the WWE Championship to Kurt Angle at Vengeance. When did this happen, and during what match? I always remember it as a cage match that Kurt was the special guest referee, and I think Brock was against Vince McMahon. But I’m hazy.”
Billy Graham racked up 296 days as WWW.WWWF Champion in 1977-8. Superstar’s reign is still the longest of any heel champion in WWE history. Triple H made it to 280 days as World Heavyweight Champion in 2002-3, as did Yokozuna as WWF Champion in 1993-4 and JBL as WWE Champion in 2003-4. There must be something rather convenient about the number 280 for heels. Elsewhere, Jeff Jarrett racked up 347 gloriously long days as NWA World Heavyweight Champion in 2004-5, while other heels, including Ric Flair, have racked up longer reigns with that title. The longest heel reign with the WCW World Heavyweight belt was Big Fat Vader, with a not unreasonable 285 days.
Lesnar’s heel turn happened on the 7th August 2003, when he faced Vince McMahon in a Cage Match main event, with Kurt Angle as the referee. He had lost the WWE title to Angle at Vengeance on the 27th July and asked for a rematch on Smackdown on the 31st July, only for Vince to turn up and say he had to earn it. Somehow this meant that he and Angle had to team up to beat A-Train and Big Show that night, while Lesnar challenged Vince just for the hell of it. After they won the tag match, with Angle cheekily nicking the pin once Lesnar had F-5’d Big Show, Vince randomly announced the aforementioned match for the following week. Meanwhile, the heterosexual relationship between Angle and Lesnar had deteriorated further as a frustrated Lesnar also F-5’d the champion.
On the 7th August show, Angle said in an interview that he still considered Lesnar a friend and would ‘talk things through’ with him. This led to a later backstage segment in which Vince found an unconscious Lesnar being attended to by EMTs as Angle stood around looking shifty. The Cage Match went ahead as planned, though Lesnar ‘passed out’ when he had Vince up for an F-5 on account of his concussion. Vince went for a pin but Angle refused to count it and called for the medics to help Lesnar, then put Vince in an Ankle Lock to shut him up. Lesnar then made his miraculous recovery, gave Angle the F-5, shook hands with Vince and beat the crap out of the poor unsuspecting ref. The logic behind it was that Lesnar had been faking it so he could get what he wanted from Angle. It made him sound like a female. It also made very little sense, since Angle still held the title anyway and would retain it in their SummerSlam match. He eventually won the belt back on the 18th September in the Iron Man match.
I forgot how much I enjoy typing the phrase F-5. It makes me feel like some sort of crossword-fixated mathematic type.
Just for the hell of it, here’s Brock Lesnar vs Batista. Yes, it really kinda happened…
â€ÂIf you like bacon, you’re gonna love it! And if you don’t like bacon… well then, to Hell wit’ ya.â€Â
Serge Levesque returns for Eddie:
“Greetings Mr. Burns,
It’s been a long time since I’ve sent a communication your way… though when I did it was mostly in appreciation of the Simpsons, Family Guy or Futurama quotes you used to have in your columns. But I have kept reading and have appreciated your recent come back on a regular posting schedule.
I would like your opinion on a somewhat different topic than you’re used to deal with here. I know you expressed your loathing about all the tourists you will have to deal with in the coming months, and well, to be honest I was planning to be one of them, much to your chagrin! :P What in your opinion would be the better moment for a 2 week visit in order to avoid unnecessary hassle? Or inversely, is there a 2 week/1 month range you recommend against? And also, what locations would you suggest to someone who likes hiking?
Just gathering information for my trip here… Of course I could have done without bothering you with such drivel and just check your country’s official tourism web site or something, but where would the fun be in that… ;)
I guess I could supply a wrestling question so you wouldn’t feel like I just totally wasted 2 minutes of your time… :P From the “What if…” universe, I recalled that Chris Benoit suffered his neck injury just as the Invasion angle was about to go underway in the summer of 2001. I was wondering what his role in the angle would have been had he not been injured. Given his past in WCW and ECW, and that before his injury he was frequently mentioning how he “suffered hell” in his time there… were these claims by him laying the foundation for a swerve that would have saw him join the Alliance? Was he to remain a loyal member of team WWF alongside his buddy and recent co-tag team champion Jericho? … I know this could prove to be hard to verify given that any long term booking plan was scrapped after the Booker-Bagwell match, and anything after that was seemingly booked by trisomic chimps… so, good luck. :)
I thank you in advance for your time. Keep on the writing…”
I hope you appreciate the recent return of the quotes
I appreciate Gary.
All hail King Gary
Anyhoo, let’s face it, had Benoit not been injured then he would have been on the WWF side for a bit, then the WCW side for a bit, then the ECW side for a bit, then back to the WWF side for a bit, then over to the Alliance for a bit, then back to the WWF side for a bit, then he would have paused and taken some aspirin for the ensuing headache as he tried to figure out his character’s motivation, and then it would have all been over and he would have found himself unifying the WCW Television Title with the WWF Light-Heavyweight Title in his garage one Sunday afternoon.
It’s certainly an interesting prospect though. Let’s say he did try to stay on the WWF side at the start, only for his spot to be diminished because Kurt Angle had become the chosen ‘wrestler’ of the side. Then, after Austin defected to the Alliance, the WWF side would have become further splintered due to the simmering jealousy between Benoit and Angle, which would have led to Benoit trying to join the Alliance as well. However, given the recent history between them, Austin would have vetoed the move, leaving Benoit as a lone wolf amid all the turbulence. From there they could either continue to have him play that role, remaining a no-nonsense, equal-opportunity ass-kicker and suplexer of Germans, or have him form a splinter group, which could either be based on ‘for-real’ ex-ECW guys or on the Four Horsemen or on a new Team Canada.
Either way, at the end of it all, he has to be in his garage. I just like the thought of him climbing up onto wardrobes and diving off so he can headbutt his Kurt Angle action figure on the floor. Then Nancy can come in and ask what he was doing and he can look sheepish and say “Nothing â€Â
And as far as visiting Edinburgh goes well, I don’t care. Try taking the A1 and head south. There are plenty of places to go hiking down there. Some of them may even include not delaying my commute to work.
â€ÂPublic school can be intimidating to a young child, particularly one with as many flamboyantly homosexual tendencies as your son.â€Â
Matt Reed contemplates that which we should not contemplate:
“With the massive amount of injuries surrounding the cast of WWE now…
…what the hell happens if anyone else gets hurt, especially main eventers
like Cena or Edge?
Edge is still nursing a broken jaw, isn’t he?
How close are we to watching Khali vs. Umaga for the next 3 months?
Also, can you find me ANY information about this-
-line of MMA gear Ken Shamrock and Steve Blackman are putting out?
All I have is a name: Ground ‘n Pound Gear.”
The Ground & Pound clothing line was started by “some guys from Atlantic City”, to use Ken Shamrock’s not terribly informative description. Those whacky guys got in touch with Steve Blackman first, then he contacted Shamrock about it. Some UFC guys wore it on the shows, including Randy Couture, and this would appear to be their online store. I’m not really sure how much involvement Steve and Ken have to be honest.
I don’t think Edge’s injury was quite as serious as it sounded. He certainly didn’t wind up missing anywhere near as much action as Beth Phoenix after she broke her jaw. Besides, WWE’s current injury spate is not all that bad. Booker T should return next month, as should Kennedy LOL Kennedy, then Triple H the month after that, and then Rey Mysterio the month after that. Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker will be out for longer periods of time of course, which to be frank serves WWE right for giving two fortysomethings so much main event attention this year – something I brought up after the end of the Royal Rumble only to get yelled at by people for not swallowing the product. Oh, and let’s not forget poor Gregory Helms, also out for a year. I believe the Cruiserweight Division now consists of Chavo, Jimmy Wang Yang, Funaki and Jamie Noble, who was last seen waiting for some fries at a KFC in Tulsa. You ever wonder if people like Noble come up to Vince and make with the courteous small talk and he just has absolutely no idea who the hell he’s talking to but appreciates the pleasantness anyway? Just beams with satisfaction after that random semi-naked fella shook his hand and thanked him profusely?
In honour of this momentous non-sequitur, let us all bow down and enjoy Mr Burns’ Finest Moments:
Exaaaaactlyyyy
What were we talking about? Oh, right. Well, let’s assume that Cena and Edge were mauled by a grizzly bear whilst enjoying a camping trip together and failing to securely tie up their foodstuffs overnight and WWE had to learn to live without them. For starters, Rob Van Dam would find himself rewarded for his lazy ineptitude with a lucrative new contract. He would then be shoved back onto Raw, as would, probably, Chris Benoit. I’d expect some sort of Benoit/Gary or Benoit/Umaga feud, plus RVD/Orton (originally slated for One Night Stand, fact fudgers) and lots more of those lovely McMahon types. Lashley would continue to spend more time on Raw than on ECW, no doubt feuding with whoever the WWE Champion might wind up being, just for the hell of it. Face it, the ECW Title is the new Intercontinental Title. The IC Title is the new European Title. The US title is the new US title. The Smackdown belt would wind up back with Batista to kill some time with, oh, let’s say Finlay, building up to that epic rematch with Mark Henry we are all just dying to see. Then, by SummerSlam, they would have those aforementioned injured four guys back to help plug the gaps a little more. They would, basically, just get by and then take stock of the long-term direction after that point. If Edge was out for a good long while they probably wouldn’t make many drastic changes, short of JBL getting his wish for an in-ring return granted. If Cena was out for about a year or so then no doubt Lashley or Batista would wind up on Raw permanently, plus we’d have Mick Foley back to feud with anybody who is not Johnny Nitro. Meanwhile, Matt Hardy would still not get a push because that’ll teach the internet, dammit!!!!
â€ÂLet’s keep it going. You there, eating the paste.â€Â
ML Kennedy discusses a form of Judaism:
“I have a faint memory of a series of three matches set for a PPV in
the dark days of WCW.
I think Billy Kidman or some other fella was set to face some
dastardly heel in three different gimmick matches in one night. The
only thing is, the heel was unable to work the show for some reason
and three different opponents had to be substituted.
One of the matches was set to be some sort of amateur wrestling
contest in a ropeless ring. Dean Malenko was the substitute opponent.
Malenko lost by DQ when he slid out of the ring to take a breather,
which, apparently, was against the rules.
Is this all some sort of awful dream, or did this stuff really happen.
I figure that this is a question only Hya- I mean Iain would be able to answer.
P.S. You have a disproportionate amount of vowels in your first name.
Please fix that.”
No.
At least you are smarter than the misguided nonces that think my name is Lain. Trust me, I am quite capable of typing in capitals where appropriate. The worst one was the muppet at work who sent me a delivery addressed to Lian Burnside. The mind boggles.
But I digress, and there’s a greasy Jew to talk about.
What? He is greasy and he is also Jewish. Hence he is a greasy Jew.
There is a great quote on Billy Kidman’s Wikipedia entry – “All throughout his tenure his opponents found it difficult to powerbomb him.”
Oh, lol.
Anyway, the infamous ‘catch-as-catch-can’ match with Dean Malenko happened at Souled Out 2000 on the 16th January. The concept was that the first person to go to the arena floor lost. After two-and-a-half epic minutes, Malenko slid out the ring to take a breather, which meant that he lost. WCW actually deserve credit for just going with it rather than ignoring the gaping plot hole and continuing the match regardless, as they were wont to do.
Later in the night, Kidman defeated Perry Saturn in a Bunkhouse Match, which was basically an Extreme Rules affair to use the parlance of modern times. His last match was a loss to The Wall in a Cage Match that took just five minutes. This might all sound rather lame but it was far from the worst thing on the card, which also contained Oklahoma vs Madusa for the Cruiserweight belt, Kevin Nash vs Terry Funk in a winner-becomes-Commissioner bout, and Tank Abott vs Jerry Flynn.
The ‘three-match’ spot was originally meant for Jeff Jarrett and Chris Benoit, who had been feuding over the United States title and would settle it in a trilogy of matches with different stipulations throughout the show. WCW had suffered a bunch of mishaps in the build to the PPV, with Goldberg putting himself out of action after punching a limosuine window (OH JOLLY WELL DONE), Bret Hart finding out his post-Goldberg concussion could kill him if he didn’t stop wrestling, Jarrett getting a concussion after wrestling three legends on Nitro to warm-up (against George Steele, Tito Santana and Jimmy Snuka… he lost all of them), and Benoit, Malenko, Saturn, Eddie Guerrero, Konnan, Rey Mysterio and Our Man Kidman getting rather pissed off about Kevin Sullivan being made the new booker. That decision had been reached after Vince Russo attempted to make Tank Abbott the champion in light of all the injuries. Remarkably, WCW would find an even worse contender later in the year and put the belt on him. Souled Out 2000 was also the night when Benoit won the title but then quit and went to WWE with Eddie, Malenko and Saturn in response to the Sullivan situation. Kidman stayed as he was promised a big push… he then got to jump around a lot on Hulk Hogan’s behalf. Nobody cared.
So what else do we have around here?
Scott Keith hates ethnic minority icon Pedro Morales! Racist. Fucking Canadians. They’re all at it, just like Bret Hart.
David Brashear watches Bash at the Beach 2000! It involves mockery and Hulk Hogan, which we could all enjoy if it were not for those f*cking Canadians. You know the ones.
Mark Allen watches the Owen Hart tribute Raw! It ends with surly Steve Austin being silent and petulant about that f*cking Canadian winding up dead.
You can now get Pulse Wrestling updates via e-mail! Unless you happen to live in f*cking Canada. They have to exchange somophore messages on donkey-back over there. Then they shag/eat the donkey, the monsters.
Big Andy Mac counts the 30 greatest ROH champions! Thankfully, the top spot is reserved for an American and not a f*cking Canadian. That’s the way God intended it, so far as I have ascertained.
Kyle David Paul forsakes a surname and writes about wrestling titles! They haven’t meant a thing since Montreal, which is the fault of f*cking Canadians polluting France. Make croissants not poutine.
Gordi yells at Wong! These things need better questions, such as “Who can jump over the Great Gary?”, or “How bent are those f*cking Canadians?”
Kevin Wilson views Japanese individuals! They’re all lovely people, except for the ones that turn up in Vancouver to confuse the f*cking gay as f*ck Canadians that reside there and can’t f*ck properly.
Pulse Glazer spells my name wrong! He also refuses to accept that nobody is worthy of the ‘most dangerous on the mic’ tag in wrestling at the moment. I mean, other than Shawn Michaels coming out and wanking his wang into a disabled Canadian puppy’s asshole on National Bathe in Maple Syrup Day.
Fucking Canada. Where did that come from? I still love you.
AIM: KingKongBurnside
