I JUST GOT BACK FROM NORTH CAROLINA
VINCE IS STILL DEAD
SHERRY IS TOO!
YOU COULD BE NEXT!
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
The weekly rant that rags on wrestlers and raps with rudeness the regular writers recognize is meant to be regulated only to retards… the Rabble.
Joining us tonight are:
JEFFREY – aka – Colonol Mustard
MIKE – aka – Professor Plum
HERNANDEZ – aka – Senior Silver
BILL – aka – Madame White
DANI – aka – Princess Peach
ERIC – aka – Mister Green
SUZANNE – aka – RABBLE VIRGIN!
And me, the Wadsworth of this Clueless band.. James Hatton.
Not to mention the rest of the suspects over at The Inside Pulse Forums.
Oh what a montage!
Vince is dead… and Mick is in the ring.
“Ladies & Gentlemen, the show will go on.” – Mick
“Just like when Owen died.” – Mike
Mick wanted to be the first person to talk..
“So I could get a spot in the show.” – Hernandez
He feels that things he said might be viewed as inappropriate. If he had known that Vince was going to spontaneously combust, he would have done things differently. It’s true that Vince took a guy who didn’t have the greatest body in the world, or the greatest skills in the world – and gave him a chance.
Mick then apologizes to the McMahon family. So before he can finish…
“Hey!” – Bill
Randy is here. He gets in the ring and begins to talk about how he feels that Mick’s words were insincere…
“You missed your cue… not yet… yer f*cking up the punchline..” – Hernandez
Orton then calls Mick’s book a McMahon hatchet job.
“Randy can read?!” – Dani
He then claims Mick is on the list of people who might be involved.
“Detective Orton: Putting a headlock on crime!” – Insyder The Hypnotoad
“Randy’s aliby is that he was at White Castle preparing for the new divas.” – Insyder Hardygrrl
This is all interrupted by King Booker.
“Sherri’s dead.. how do you feel..
‘I’m depressed nigga….’ ….damnit!” – Hernandez as Bookah
Booker T explains that there is a private eye in the arena, and he thinks that the PI should talk to Bobby Lashley.
“It is Lashley who is in fact darker than me.” – Me
“Lashley needs Rikishi’s old music.. ‘I’m A Bad Man'” – Mike
“Uh Oh… Why the need for black on black violence? Oh that’s right, cause Dead McMahon thinks its fun.” – Insyder The Hypnotoad
Here comes Lashley now..
“Wait, wasn’t Booker a criminal?” – Dani
“Shut up. He’s royalty.” – Hernandez
Bookah and Lashley go face to face and Lashley pushes him down hard.
“Out for another 3 months…” – Mike
This is all interrupted by a split-decisioned crowd for John Cena.
“BLOW UP! Halfway down the ramp!” – Hernandez
“And here comes the third black guy in the Vengeance main event…THE CHAMP IS HERE!” – Insyder Captain Spaulding
Mike then points out that those in the ring are members of the night of champions. He explains that this is not Law & Order, this is Raw.
“I was confused.” – Hernandez
“Doonk doonk” – Dani
It’s more than just pointing a finger at anyone and saying ‘they did it’.
“I say Bobby Lashley in the Kitchen with the candlestick” – Dani
“I say it was his third child.” – Hernandez
“Triple H in the library with the knife.” – Mike
Cena then rhymes a little… about who it could be. Then explains it could be anyone related with the XFL.
“It was Ted Turner.” – Jeffrey
“Homicidal, Suicidal, Dance Recital.” – Bill
Cena is finally interrupted by… Coach!
“Is Coach somehow bringing the bar up?” – Me
“There’s a bar?” – Bill
Coach explains that in the ring are the five who will be wrestling this weekend at Vengence. Coach is now in charge of Raw. Since the idea of the Vengence was McMahon’s idea.. tonight he’s going to make this match in McMahon’s honor.
“Pudding!” – Hernandez
It is Bobby and Cena vs. Orton and Booker. Mick though will have to get into the ring tonight and face..
“Eddie Guerrero?” – Hernandez
“You will go face to face…” – Coach
“..with the great one.” – Mike
“Umaga.” – Coach
“I was close, they’re related.” – Mike
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:14
Next week – another 3 hour show!?!?!?
“The way this show is going so far, someone better get blown up again.” – Insyder kromadas
“Or Vince will show up under a white sheet.” – Insyder JapanesePorno
Coming out now….. it’s Kendric and London!!!!
BRIAN KENDRIC & PAUL LONDON vs. THE WORLDS GREATEST TAG TEAM
“I like their gear.” – Hernandez
“You’ve never seen their gear!??!” – Mike
“Awwww the Hooliganz wore red tonight to match the ring ropes!” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
“Vince is dead, you can do the 450 again!” – Hernandez
Great starting match… 20 minutes in.
London starting with Haas. Haas pushes down London down to the match.. arm wringer from Haas and a standing 360 to roll out of it. Haas continues to power London to the corner. He fights the hell out of them and eats a snapkick from Shelton. Fantastic as London crumples.
Haas now tags in Shelty. Irish whip into Shelton who hits a snapmare. Pin for … well, we’ll call it two. Benjamin keeps us in the corner and London fights out of it only to be dropped down.. skim misses a tag as Shelty makes his own tag. Kendric is in!
Flying clothesline. Dropkick. Shoulder. Back elbow. Haas can’t keep up with him. Benjamin runs in and London scissors him over the top. Haas goes for a german but Kendric lands on his feet! HOT!
Kendric hits the Sliced Bread #2 – And We Are Done!
WINNER: KENDRIC & LONDON
“Holy crap, we’re watching a quality match and JR & King are giving informative and insightful commentary. When did I wander into bizarro RAW?” – Insyder Cash Kerouac
“Shortly after that limo blew up.” – Insyder JapanesePorno
“Hmm…TOO calm. He did it!” – Insyder DarkStar
“FRUITY FRUITY FRUITY SKITTLES KABOOM!” – Insyder JapanesePorno
“He now has BBQ flavored valium.” – Insyder kromadas
“Well, he figures maybe now he wont be fired every other week.” – Insyder Ghost of Vince
In the back Coach is talking to the investigator.
“Isn’t that the same guy who married Trips to Stephanie.” – Hernandez
“No no no, that was the doctor.” – Mike
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:23
Hey, Carlito’s here….
“Same Carlito theme music.” – Hernandez
CARLITO vs. ….
Oh wait, he’s grabbing the mic. We all know that Carlito is cool. There was nobody cooler in this industry than Mr McMahon.
“Till I stabbed him.” – Hernandez
Anyway, Torrie and Ric left. Torrie with a broken heart..
“..and a broken cherry!” – Hernandez
Anyway.. Here comes the Sandman!
“The landscaper taking out the mexicon!” – Hernandez
Carlito gets pissed about Sandman – and in he comes.
Sandman charges after him with the kendo stick, and out Carlito runs.
Guess they’ll face at the PPV…
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:32
Cryme Tyme?!?!?! They go back and forth discussing all of the things that McMahon including a capitalist!
“Thank heaven Cryme Tyme is disrespecting the great memory of Vince McMahon.” – Insyder DarkStar
They try to sell a cup of coffee McMahon drank out of!
A meal McMahon didn’t get to eat.
A garbage bag filled with..
“Puke from Droz!” – Mike
The PI interrupts it… but outside the ring now are Cade & Murdoch, the tag team champs.
“Dude, first Lashley, now Cryme Tyme? What kind of bigot is this “investigator”?” – Insyder DarkStar
In the ring right now is Davairi! AND HE’S JACKED!
“He’s been sharing needles with Edge.” – Hernandez
DAVAIRI vs. JEFF HARDY
“We lost GWAAAAAAAAA, but we gained Akbar again!” – Me
“You know why Jeff shouldn’t be in this match right..” – Me
“..IT’S A TRAP!” – Bill
“YES!!!” – Me
Lock-up and a knee from Davairi to start it up. Kicks and punches in the corner. Tosses Jeff counter corner. Jeff leaps, but Davairi catches it and hits the headscissors.
Jeff slams him – hits the ropes but Dav runs up and his nuts go to the turnbuckle. Davairi now hits the chinlock, nervepinch, and continues beating on him.
Jeff fights out of it and they go fist to fist, ending with Davairi winning. Hits the ropes but Jeff chokes him down. Face first suplex for two. Davairi eats the Whisper In The Wind out of nowhere… HARD! Back mulekick from Jeff sends Davairi to the corner for the corner dropkick.
Suplex from Jeff for two. Back to their feet and Dav hits a few punches a slam, and a running legdrop for two.
Out of nowhere Jeff kicks him. Twist of Fate. Swanton. The End.
WINNER: JEFF HARDY
“Well it’s good to see Davairi on the roster.” – Me
“You know what would be awesome? Hassan blew up the limo. Fuck UPN or WB or CW. Whatever.” – Insyder Kromadas
“And then we can have a pay-per-view called the Road to Guantanamo!” – Insyder JapanesePorno
Cade grabs the mic.
“DO THE FLIPPY THING AGAIN… WE LIKE IT.” – Hernandez
While Murdoch is babbling on, Jeff suicide dives onto them. Jeff starts clapping with his theme music as he leaves..
“Berries and Creaaaaame” – Me
“The second hit of acid is kicking in.” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:46
In the back, Coach is discussing how everyone is being questioned. He’s waiting for a ‘Sheik Production’?
Entry – the Sheik!??!
“Sheikybaba!?!” – Mike
“This is live.” – Mike
“This could go on for awhile..” – Me
So they are giving Sheik his own talkshow… Coach is thinkin about it. Sheik blathers.
“He’s gonna humble him!” – Me
“I humble you all old country style! I will sodomize B Brian Blair!” – Insyder Kromadas
“So we lost GWAR Khali but gained Mushmouth Shiek? Excellent.” – Insyder The Hypnotoad
Regal’s here talking with Maria…. wow…
“Regal looks younger!” – Hernandez
“Regal’s here?” – Me
“Ok, what the f*ck happened to Regal’s hair?” – Insyder kromadas
“it wasn’t drafted with him.” – Insyder Ghost of Vince
So Santino shows up and Regal verbally slams him. Hot. Stupid Italians. Anyway.. Maria was hot.
(Jamie understands the irony)
So now Todd interviews the limo driver from Vince’s car… bwahahaahahahaha. Not only is the guy horrible he has a horrible hairpiece.
“What about ME… what about the LIMO DRIVER” – Mike
“Dammit, why is one of the Guerrero’s Vince’s limo driver?” – Insyder Ghost of Vince
In the back.. here comes Mick!
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:54
So we get some flashes to eyewitnesses, and the FBI bits, and the memorial outside the building.
MICK FOLEY vs. UMAGA
“I wanna do a samoan gimmick so I can get all fat and not worry about it..” – Mike
Umaga climbs to the apron and Mick kicks him out of the ring. Crawls outside with him and head meets the outside divider. Umaga tries to eye gouge him. They both roll in and Mick is in the corner beating the snot out of Umaga.
He charges in and Umaga hits a clothesline. Foley eats punches all over the place. Foley finally bails and as Umaga charges out, he eats a punch to the gut. Mick slams him to the TV table – grabs a chair and Umaga eats the EL KABONG!
Umaga grabs Foley and superkicks him into the chair while he’s throwing the chair. Mick lands on the steps. He charges and hits the butt bump through Mick and the stairs.
“COMMMERRRRCIiIIiaaaaallll BBrreEEAaaKK” – Hernandez
“Umaga just said ‘you were supposed to move'” – Mike
So the refs have now surrounded Mick and Umaga’s leaving.
“So Mick’s out..” – Me
“No.. Mick’s hurt.. what happens with Mick hurt.” – Hernandez
“Ahhh, right.. Cactus.” – Me
“And he only has to wrestle one more match this year.” – Mike
“I thought Randy’s gimmick was giving concussions.” – Insyder kromadas
So outside, a limo is rolling in.
“Shane?” – Hernandez
“Vince comes out – ‘I couldn’t hold it in anymore'” – Mike
“FOOOOOOOLED YOUUUUUUUU” – Me
From the – great minds think alike file:
“I’d laugh my ass off if Vince walked out of it and everyone came up to him and were like “how did you survive that explosion??” and he’d say “what explosion?” and go on with the show, never mentioning it again.” – Insyder DarkStar
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:05
In the back – Mick is being checked by the doctor. The PI wants to discuss things, but the doctor won’t let him.
“I think if that scene with Mick and the doctor had gone on a minute longer we would have heard “bow chicka bow wow.”” – Insyder Cash Keruoac
“He is the next big star.. no two ways about it.” – Me
“YES…they drafted the mic with him!” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
“The mic was drafted on the supplemental draft yesterday” – Insyder Soak1313
He comes on down, says his name… Misstaahh Kenneedddy!~
“…is cooking.” – Eric
“He had me at mister” – Insyder Soak1313
He came out to talk because he is sick to his stomach for several reasons. The first most obvious would be the loss of McMahon. Next, he got drafted to Raw. From his perspective, he didn’t get along with the Smackdown audience. He really really… doesn’t like the Raw audience either.
“Fucking genius.” – Me
They have no respect for talent. Mr. McMahon was a genius and nobody respected him.
“Vince dies and they are going to ride his tails for years too.” – Mike
Kennedy feels he is the greatest thing to grace the WWE ring. Not only did he respect McMahon. Vince was his friend. They talked about everything. He was like a father to him.
He dedicates his life to Mister -KEN-NE-DY- …MCMAHON.
“Wait a minute…he cuts KILLER promos?? He did it!” – Insyder DarkStar
In the back. White limo.
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:16
Hey.. at 10:19… In Memory of Sensational Sherri.
“Sherri’s dead? I thought it was a work.” – Insyder JapanesePorno
Now though – Melina.
Annnd.. Jillian Hall!
“She’s doing the singing gimmick?” – Mike
“Yeah.. bruther bruther.” – Hernandez
MELINA & JILLIAN HALL vs. MICKIE & CANDICE
So Jillian starts to sing and Mickie and Candice interrupt it.
“Candice is wearing clothes this week!” – Mike
She strips the robe to reveal her outfit… nevermind.
“Shades of Andre the Giant.” – Me
Jillian starts with Candice. They have a slow tech exchange. Candice ends up with a roll-up for two. Melina bothers her on the ropes and Candice hits the double leg dropkick through the ropes.
Jillian tosses Candice to the corner. Handplant flip to the elbow from Jillian for two.
Tag to Melina. Ties her up on the ropes and Jillian catches a snapkick. …stuff happens…
Candice misses a hot tag to Candice. Backbody drops Melina and hits the tag. Mickie finally gets to go nuts. Fishermanplex on Melina for two.
“Ooh, Mickie James is wrestling PERFECTLY.” – Insyder DarkStar
“Perfect enough to even blow up the limo????” – Insyder Soak1313
“Good point…she did it!” – Insyder DarkStar
Mickie grabs Jillian gets tossed to the ropes, reversed, Mickie leaps up – hits the head scissors.
Now in the middle Mickie and Melina. Mickie lines up for the neckbreaker and hits it. Two – stopped by Jillian. Jillian grabs Mickie in the wheelbarrow spot. Melina assists for the facebuster. Candice spears Jillian out of the ring.
Melina hits her new standing highkick split drop.
That’s that. Melina’s got a new finisher.. nice.
“Now, what to call it? The suggestion box is open.” – Insyder Kerry
“Well some kind of box was open for sure” – Insyder Soak1313
“The Cock Drop” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
“The Pillar of Man” – Insyder JapanesePorno
“The Tea Bag” – Insyder kromadas
“The Walloping Wang” – Insyder Ghost of Vince
“The ball splitter” – Insyder RVD
“The crying game” – Insyder Soak1313
WINNER: MELINA & JILLIAN HALL
COMMERCIAL EIGHT 10:30
Ross & JR talk somberly about McMahon and introduce the next clip with ‘parental advisory’.
“How come we didn’t get to watch the Owen footage over and over” – Jeffrey
There’s the leg… there it is again…
“EL-KABLAM!” – Hernandez
“TONS OF KANE’S PYRO!” – Eric
And we see in the back – the other white limo.
“It’s not Randy Orton.. he’s here.” – Hernandez
“HEY! You’re right!” – Bill
We know this because he’s here! We comment how he’s actually not looking as defined anymore.
“No more vitamin S.” – Hernandez
Now it’s time for King Bookah…
“No wonder they are giving this match 30 minutes.. his entrance takes 10 minutes.” – Dani
Here comes Black Lesnar… Milkdud himself.
Finally, John Cena!
CENA & LASHLEY vs. BOOKAH & RANDY
3 Heels and Lashley
In the ring Booker and Lashley go face to face. They push it to the corner. Lashley hits a suplex for two! As Lashley tries to charge him, he eats a thumb to the eye and Book throws him to the ropes.. reversed and a shouldercheck from Lashley.
Lashley catches Booker and the powerslam.. suspended.. Hot spot. Cena gets a tag and Booker bails to Orton and the tag.
“Two singles matches for the price of one.” – Hernandez
“It’s like Othello.” – Bill
Tag to Lashley – double armdrag to Orton. Clothesline of Booker over the top.
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:45
Back in the ring – Orton tosses Cena to the corner – Reversed and the counter corner bulldog.
“Someone stole THAT! Maybe it’s Jericho in the limo.” – Me
“Who?” – Hernandez
Tag to Bookah. Cena hits the ropes and eats the highkick. Lashley breaks the count and now the ref is distracted so there are doubleteams abound. Booker finally ends in a chinlock.
“He’s calling spots.” – Me
“He’s choking him with his tendrils.” – Hernandez
“If Cena looks directly into them.. he turns to STONE!” – Me
They fight to their feet and finally Book gets the tag to Orton. Garvin Stomp. Kneedrop for two.
RANDY ORTON HEADLOCK COUNT: 1
Cena gets up to his feet, Randy holding onto it. Cena then heaves Orton and CONTINUES to get closer to Lashley. Cena gets a finger’s breadth away…. then slips to his butt because of the power of the headlock.
Cena finally fights out of it.
“TICKLE HIM!” – Hernandez
Cena kicks out of it. Hits the ropes… Double clothesline and they are both down. Slow crawl to a double hottag. Lashley now shoulderchecking Booker in the corner. Lashley charges back and eats a boot to the face, but he catches it and hits the T-Bone. Lashley lifts him with the torture rack.
Bookah slips back! Before he gets thrown up though, there was a tag to Orton. He stops the pin from Lashley – hits the RKO – The Win… wow.
WINNER: ORTON & BOOKAH
Coming from the limo now… Stephanie McMahon.
“She’s developing the butt chin.” – Hernandez
“She’s still adorable.” – Me
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:57
Stephanie is in the back talking to Coach. She heads to the ring.
“When did we see her last?” – Eric
“There was an uncomfortable moment with Triple H” – Hernandez
“The back of a VW bus?” – Me
So here comes Stephanie!
“On this somber occasion. She gets her theme music.” – Me
Steph midtears thanks us all for the letters and e-mails.
We are invited for a 3 hour celebration next week on Raw. All the superstars will celebrate Mister McMahon.
After she promotes the payperview, she storms the ring crying and drops the mic.
“SHE’S FIRED!” – Jeffrey
So… what did we think?
“It wasn’t bad. I’m just upset about the Mick thing.” – Jeffrey
“Why are we having another 3 hour show? Can they all get stranded from a boat?” – Eric
“They need a stylist, and no amount of money can buy taste.” – Suzanne
“A 3 Hour show defeats the purpose of the draft, doesn’t i?” – Hernandez
“I’m really looking forward to the Vince McMahon BBQ special” – Bill
“*shrug*” – Dani
“Raw Sucks.” – Me
Tags: Raw, WWE