One Fall to a Finish
John Cena (c) Vs. Mick Foley Vs. Randy Orton Vs. Bobby Lashley Vs. King Booker
Vinny Truncellito: This format is valuable for moving the title while protecting the
champ, but I still don’t see a change in the works. If we were playing the old board game Clue, I’d predict the WWE title to change hands as such: HHH, with the Pedigree, at WrestleMania.
Winner – John Cena
Widro: interesting match that seems to waste a lot of fresh matchups on a match that could be done after all the singles matches. Orton pinned Lashley on raw indicating Orton isn’t winning, too soon for Lashley. Booking would indicate either Foley is out of the match or has a chance of winning but I think that won’t happen either.
Winner – Cena
Mark Allen: There’s no way Cena isn’t walking out of this mess as Champion. My hope is that it leads to a Cena-Orton singles feud.
Winner – John Cena
Raffi Shamir: This type of match almost guarantees the title won’t change hands. It’s a throwaway match that takes place only because WWE was too busy with the draft and killing off Mr. McMahon to actually think of a feud for John Cena. Speaking of Vinny Mac, he’s a former world champion so he can come back from the dead and win it. Orton doesn’t deserve the title, Lashley’s a failure and Booker needs to be properly built before he can win Raw’s championship. I’d like to see Foley gets the title (That would be a real “Holy Shit” moment) but it won’t happen.
Winner – John Cena
Iain Burnside: Needs more Vince. If Shawn Michaels had a friendlier Jesus then he wouldn’t be injured and this show would be headlined by Michaels/Cena, Hell in the Cell. Instead they resorted to blowing up a limo and lumping random people in with Cena. It all adds more credibility to the theory that God and/or Marty Jannetty were behind it all. I can’t possibly fathom how they can have nothing for Cena to do. Christ almighty, he’s one of the two people that they do genuinely care about protecting, so how did he wind up without a clear-cut challenger? Now its backs-to-the-wall and back to the TNA-flavoured, any-job-will-do, multi-man main-event. Hyphens RULE. Long live the hyph. I really do hope none of you lot are foolish enough to spend money on a PPV with nothing but a set-up (long live the ens!) for the SummerSlam title shot as its money match. If you are then please at least get drunk whilst watching it and shout and stamp and swear at the TV. Do it for me, it gives me a break. Make it worth my while not to drink. And what of SummerSlam? Orton’s going off to fumble headlocks with Triple H. King Booker (get the T out) usually raises a smile but he’s well below average in the ring these days. Cena/Lashley for the title ain’t going to happen on any stage smaller than WrestleMania 24. Cena/Foley? Why the hell not? Oh, he’ll get booed. Well, boo-hoo. He’s faced faces far facier than Foley before and his T-shirts are still flogging. It gives Foley his two-PPV shots for the year in a handy two-month package so he can get back to his fat-flavoured ice cream until 2008, when he can return to regale us with excerpts from his latest book – a handy and reliable expose on the secret history of goldfish. Besides, most of the attention on the show will be for Jackasses and Hs, so what the hell? In the cell? I say, Vicar Snugglebottom, what is that delightful scent you’re wearing? Musk, my dear. Man-made musk. And biscuit!
Winner – the prayer-sayin’, milk-drinkin’, vitamin-takin’ JOHN CENA
Pulse Glazer: Can Cena possibly overcome the odds again? Of course he can. Look at all the new challengers for him to take on one at a time.
Winner – Cena
Andy Wheeler: Five guys competing in one ring for a title? Never been done before ever! (Note: ever being within the last 6 days) I watched the King of the Mountain match last week and thought that it was full of spots and had an abrupt and anticlimactic ending. As I watched those guys from TNA try their hardest to prove that they’re a real main event, I thought to myself, “At least there’s a ladder, which means there will be a cool bump or something.†Here, we have no ladder, therefore we are not promised the cool bump. When I watch a match that seems like a disaster, the least the company can do is give me a situation where someone puts their body at risk to compensate for a lame match. So this match at the Night of Champions doesn’t have a ladder. It doesn’t have the potential for a big bump. It doesn’t even have much potential to be anything halfway decent, and I for one am completely puzzled. You see, you’ve got the Money in the Bank match, which has been one of the MOTY candidates since its inception in 2005. That is the perfect balance necessary for a clusterf*ck event. You’ve got six guys in a ring that can bounce around like madmen and an environment that lets them do it. The match never really feels crowded or slow. This match right here? Just looks slow and crowded. You’ve got Booker T coming back from injury, so you know he’s going to need a little bit of time to get into his groove. In my column last week, I talked about how I was excited for Booker to come to RAW as long as the WWE kept him in the main event. I also said that if they were going to use him in the title picture that it should be a longer feud that should be a major factor at Summerslam. Tossing him into this match seems like a throw-away, and since he’s been out of action with an injury, he wasn’t essential to this match. No one is buying the PPV simply because Booker’s on the card. The fans have no reason to care about Booker T as a heel, especially those that have been blowing off Smackdown. Next, you’ve got Randy Orton, who just doesn’t seem able to step it up to a level that will appease the rabid IWC. Randy’s supposedly being punished, yet he’s been put over Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair, he’s essentially retired Rob Van Dam from the WWE and he pinned Bobby Lashley on RAW. If they keep punishing him like this, then I guess his next punishment is going to be given the belt. Who am I kidding? They’re not going to put the belt on Orton. He’s got his feud with Triple H coming up, not to mention the fact that Lashley got pinned clean on RAW. This match has the PPV return of Mick Foley, which is as random as random gets. Everyone read Foley’s book and everyone knows that Mick has 2 or 3 matches a year that he has to compete in to fulfill his contract. Everyone knows that there’s a bigger payday if you appear on a PPV. Everyone also knows that Foley was supposed to face Cena last year for the title. With this match, Foley gets paid, gets to check off an obligation and gets his title match. The question is, is Mick Foley still a draw? In the WWE’s mind, the answer has to be no. He’s a name that piques interest, so it makes sense to put him on the PPV, but if they had any faith in Foley being able to carry a show then they would have made this Cena/Foley. They didn’t, so he’s just there as a placeholder. Oh, at least they had Umaga attack him this week so that he could use the concussion as an excuse for a slow in-ring performance and the inevitable ass kicking that he’ll take. Yep, hurt skull and in the ring with Orton. I wonder what’ll happen. This leaves us with Cena and Lashley. It would make sense for the WWE to use this gimmick to get the belt on Lashley seeing as Cena wouldn’t have to be involved in the decision, but why jump ship on Cena now? Looking at the future PPV scenarios, you have to map out where this is going. Say Orton takes out Foley in this match; his injury gimmick gets to continue. He also pinned Lashley on RAW. They could easily do a Lashley/Orton match at the next PPV, which is big enough to not need any gold involved. That leaves Cena and Booker to do a little mini-feud. Those two have enough gas to go through Summerslam, and the Lashley/Orton thing could end in time for Hunter to come back. Plus, since Orton took out Michaels, tried to take out Flair and will probably take out Foley, this leaves plenty of reasons for Hunter to go after his former protégé. Randy hurt his best friend, his mentor and his old rival. Ah yes, even when he isn’t in the match, it’s all about The Game.
Winner – John Cena
Paulie Walker: Foley is in there to take the pinfall. There’s no other reason to really just randomly insert him in there. And thusly, therefore, heretofor, I say Orton’s punishment continues and he’s given the title. It’s time for a heel to carry it for a while and Booker isn’t going to be the one to do it.
Winner – Randall K. Orton.
Paul Beasley: What a complete clusterf*ck of a match the RAW Main Event is. It’s like somebody put the names of all the RAW Roster in a bag and then threw a kitten in with them that scraped five names out when finding a place to crap. So that’s what this match is. The catshit in a bag match. And they really should have thrown the bag and kitten into a canal rather than forcing this shambles on us. I was tempted to say Lashley actually picks up the win here, because he’s only even slightly credible as a big player if he has gold round his waist. But nah.
Winner – Cena. And not the audience.
Danny Cox: God I’d love to see someone else besides Hulk (John) Hogan (Cena) win this thing but I just don’t think there are big enough odds against him for him to lose. There needs to be at the very least eleven more people in this match to win with a dump truck resting on his left foot. You know Foley isn’t taking this one and neither is shit bagger Orton. King Booker will get the belt sometime, but it’s not happening now although he is my personal favorite to win. And my God, what is the lesser of two evils between Lashley and Cena? Ugh!
Winner and STILL Champ – John Cena brother!
“Do or Die†Match
Edge (c) Vs. Dave Batista
Widro: Don’t see big Dave taking the title here, and the stip makes it seem like he’s in for a chase
Winner – Edge
Mark Allen: Edge is keeping the belt here. He’s got Flair, Kane and Matt Hardy to work with as his next challengers, plus DAVE has unfinished business with Mark Henry and I’m sure a match with Great Khali will be on the horizon as well.
Winner – Edge
Raffi Shamir: Edge can’t afford to lose here, and he deserves a long title run. Batista can take a little time off from the main event picture. Matt Hardy seems to be the most logical challenger for Edge after Batista, as they have a history and Matt is over with the WWE audience no matter where he does. That should keep Edge busy until Rey Mysterio is back to challenge for the belt.
Winner – Edge
Iain Burnside: What if a title match was booked and I wrote nothing about it?
Winner – EDGE do, EDGE no die
Pulse Glazer: How surprising is it that Dave works better with the Dead Man than Mr. Copeland? Hopefully this leads to the Matt Hardy vs. Edge feud and not Edge vs. Kane.
Winner – Edge
Andy Wheeler: Edge is THE guy for Smackdown, and I for one am thrilled. Edge is the perfect guy to carry that show. Undertaker is-at best-a part-time worker. He’s an attraction and I don’t think there’s a major thirst for weekly Taker bouts. Rey Mysterio’s still a little ways away from coming back, and after his last reign, I’m less then enthused about seeing him hold the gold again. Mark Henry as champion just makes me cry. Same goes for Khali. MVP’s not ready yet and Matt Hardy still needs time to clean off the stink of the “tag team†stigma. That leaves Dave and Edge. Batista’s been improving in the ring and improving his reputation in the back, but he performs better as the underdog. Edge is great in the ring, great on the mic, and I for one am all for them trying to establish him as the next “greatest wrestler everâ€Â. Why? For the most part, Edge did everything right. He worked his way up the ladder. He put on great matches. He learned how to get better. Aside from the Lita stuff (which he turned into a positive), he’s got an unblemished record. After being subjected to Rey as champ and JBL as champ and Booker as champ, it’s nice to have a guy holding the title that doesn’t feel like a placeholder. Besides, with this stipulation, it frees Dave up to feud with other guys while opening up the title picture for a new contender. Lastly, as I said in my column this week, I think that this match allows for the perfect opportunity for a Ric Flair heel turn. With Flair signing the praises of Edge, the WWE gets another chance to push Edge as the “greatest of all timeâ€Â.
Winner – Edge
Paulie Walker: Batista wins and turns the belt into a vintage Lone Ranger lunch box! No… not really. Someone else gets to chase the belt for a while after this one.
Winner – Edge
Paul Beasley: Batista gets his “You’ve-f*cked-this-up-so-many-times-this-year-we’re-only-giving-you-one-more-chance-this-month” Title Shot, and the snoredom continues. Only reason to give him the belt is if they’re planning on handing it straight over to MVP; which I don’t think they’re ready to do quite yet; or Mark Henry, which scares the shit out of me. Either way they’d pretty much kill Batista’s credibility for good. If only for my sanity, Edge has to pick up the win here, following which he’ll start Skank Wars II against Hardy.
Winner – Edge wins. And not in any way clean.
Danny Cox: I’m so damn sick of this match its ridiculous, but it doesn’t matter because I’m happy the result will be the same as the last eight. I can’t stand Batista, and I want him to turn heel right now so I won’t mind him on my TV. Although heel or not, I can’t wait to hold up my “LOOVVEE Your Lunchboxes DAVE!†sign at Smackdown next month. Batista is not taking the belt off Edge because Edge just isn’t losing it yet. The problem is that Edge really doesn’t have anyone else on Smackdown to feud with until Rey comes back and that just makes me ever so joyous (sarcasm).
Winner and STILL Champ – Edge
Vinny Truncellito: The commentators are all selling what a huge deal this is if Big Dave can’t take the strap in his “final opportunity†against Edge, so I figure Edge retains and forces Batista to find another path to the gold, or else Dave is moving down the card for a bit (or being traded somehow).
Winner – Edge
Chris Benoit Vs. CM Punk
Mark Allen: Benoit will walk out as Champ to give credibility to the Title again while Punk, Nitro, Burke and Cor Von battle as the potential contenders for the belt.
Winner – Chris Benoit
Raffi Shamir: With the right treatment this could have been a dream match. What’s the right treatment? Punk makes his WWE debut as the former ROH champion and meets Benoit for his first feud in the upper mid-card. Just think Joe-Angle only on Smackdown. But WWE, unlike TNA, doesn’t acknowledge the existence of other promotions. That’s why Punk had to start at the bottom and now he’s barely a credible upper-mid carder and Benoit is not a real main eventer. The fact that they’re fighting for the ECW championship with absolutely no buildup or story doesn’t help wither, as this match wouldn’t be a real main event. Benoit should win here and Punk should chase him for a couple of months. It’s too soon for Punk and Benoit has more to lose.
Winner – Chris Benoit
Iain Burnside: Enough is enough and it’s time for a change. We don’t need CM Punk. We need C P Munk! Get him in a fetching brown robe and a bowl cut, have him skip down to the ring in his customary and peculiar little way, only now his todger’s out and he’s peeing freely all over the ramp and the ringside fans, yelling “See pee! See pee!” It could even be his new finisher. Chris Benoit is a little more difficult but his name is an anagram of Since I Throb and that should herald his new direction. It’ll be the new Blood Runs Cold. He’ll get into the ring and competently go through the motions but whenever he gets an erection he’ll look down at it startled, the madness will strike, he’ll peek down his pants and yell “Since I throb…” and then German Suplex his opponent fifty-seven times, hit a diving headbutt off the top of a Google Earth camera, hook Sharpshooters on both the arms and the legs of his opponent simultaneously, use snot rockets to knock out one of their front teeth, chop their nipples off and pretty much be immune to anything except sledgehhhammers. And you’re telling me WWE Creative can’t come up with any new ideas? What? Oh, yeah, the title. Well, you see, the important thing to remember about that is that they absolutely cannot possibly fail just so long as they don’t try.
Winner – the extremely Canadian CHRIS BENOIT
Pulse Glazer: Benoit should win since there’s mileage in Punk chasing Benoit and trying to become as good in the ring as the master. This is the reason I’m getting this PPV.
Winner – Benoit
Andy Wheeler: Nothing screams “we need smarks to buy this show†like Benoit/Punk. Part of me hopes that this becomes MOTY and can be put on the shelf next to Steamboat/Savage as greatest matches of all time. Why? First, I hope that the WWE realizes that Chris Benoit is more valuable the Michael Hayes makes him out to be. I’m a big Hayes fan, but this is one that he got wrong. Second, this is it for CM Punk. There’s no Lashley standing in his way. He is now THE guy on ECW. It’s do or die for the kid from Chicago and there is no better opponent then Chris Benoit. Now the question is will this be given enough time to become the classic that it can be? If the WWE is wise, they will give this as much time as the guys want. Unfortunately, this is a packed card, so time is going to be tight. If the WWE doesn’t let this match develop and we get a 9 minute scrimmage, there will be some major frustration from the fans. The match is smart to have on the show because it courts the fans that are turned off by the limo explosion, but the WWE might be blowing a dream match for the sake of sparking some minor interest. Now, as far as the winner, this one’s a definite toss-up. Benoit as champ takes some pressure of Punk, and if Chris is only going to be there for a small time, why not let him have a run with the belt. Punk’s “strike while the iron’s hot†days are now few and far between, so it might be now or never for him. I think they give it to Benoit here and let this build into a feud based on respect, giving the rematch the time needed to develop.
Winner – Chris Benoit
Paulie Walker: Benoit’s supposed to be there to teach. What better way to teach than as a fighting champion who beats the hell out of everyone. Punk gets his later, Benoit gets to try and carry the brand for a while.
Winner – Chris Benoit
Paul Beasley: Since they still don’t see any long term future in Punk (because he’s clearly a worse candidate for a title-run than the girly-voiced-midget-eared-roid-freak that held the title before him), I see Benoit getting the win here, setting him up for a program to elevate either Burke or Monty, with Punk feuding against Monty or Nitro.
Winner – Benoit. And us.
Danny Cox: I just don’t think they are going to have Punk carry the brand yet as their champ. This can be the title run they give to Benoit since they won’t ever give him one of the big belts again. Benoit can feud with Burke, Monty, and even Thorn before losing it to one of them and then they would lose it over to Punk.
Winner and NEW Champ – Chris Fuckin’ Benoit
Vinny Truncellito: When Benoit defeated Burke to enter this match on Tuesday night, I’d have bet money Cor Von would sneak past Punk in the other qualifier. I just didn’t think they were ready for a face-versus-face feud for the ECW strap so soon. So the questions are: (1) Is Benoit in ECW to wind down his career and put over young stars, helping them learn to work better in the process? Most likely, yes. (2) Is this the moment Benoit “makes†Punk, or will Benoit hold the belt for a while in their program? Hard to say. Clouded, the future is. Sorry, I was channeling Yoda there for a moment. This is really a “pick ‘emâ€Â. Either way, the story can work out nicely, but I’ll take a chance and say Benoit wins here, and “teaches†Punk some things along the way as the Straightedge Superstar and the Rabid Wolverine feud and light up my television screen in the process.
Winner – Benoit
Widro: Should be awesome! I hope they give this some time and Punk really shines. Benoit is still the man and can restore some cred to the ECW title before one of the new breed takes it
Winner – Benoit
Santino Marella (c) Vs. Umaga
Raffi Shamir: Umaga should decimate Santino and send him back to training. Then he should lose the title the following night to William Regal.
Winner – Umaga
Iain Burnside: UMAGA-UMAGA, 619! Yeah, that works. How come one of the guys Mysterio was meant to be feuding with is on Raw and the other one is dead? I’m sure the nippy wee plumber fella will somehow win here. There’s a William Regal feud to be getting on with and many humourous, Tajiri-esque skits to be had with him training Booyakamaga in the fine art of tea cups. But if Santino is Mario and Umaga is Donkey Kong then who the hell would Regal be? Princess Daisy?
Winner – SANTITO MARELLANTANA
Pulse Glazer: Well, Marella as champion is sort of going nowhere and Umaga is being pushed again so he’ll win. Umaga is the best monster heel in America right now. Hopefully you can appreciate it and overlook the weak moveset.
Winner – Umaga
Andy Wheeler: The match the world has been waiting for. I don’t like Santino Marella. I thought that the way that he won the belt was a desperate attempt to pop the local crowd, but it did serve its purpose of taking the gold away from Umaga without making him look weak. Since winning the title, Marella has done nothing. He hasn’t been given much to do by creative, but that might have to do with the fact that they realize that he didn’t work. The fans aren’t rallying behind him because no one bought that he was a guy from the crowd. He’s got a unique look, but that unique look is more akin to Superstars jobber then main eventer. Creative even got so desperate as to try and stick him with Maria because random chicks with underwhelming superstars work so well (see Carlito and Torrie). This match is a chance for Umaga to get some screen time, beat up a hapless Italian and get his cut of the money. Finish? I’m sure Foley will stroll down and look for revenge here, which allows Umaga to win via DQ but not get the gold. Then, like a predicted in my column, we can get William Regal beating the shit out of Marella for the next few months.
Winner – Via DQ Umaga
Paulie Walker: It’s time to hit the reset button on the IC title. Umaga gets his bling back and Marella gets to pretend to be sad when Maria dumps him for not really being Italian but just some schmoe from Jersey that keeps getting people to say hi to her in airports.
Winner – Umaga, the Samoan King of Bling
Paul Beasley: Super Marioella will somehow win this, though nobody quite knows how. They know that Santino will plummet without trace without the gold at this point, and if they’re willing to let that happen, what was the point of the last few months? Wasted investment. Umaga’s going to be used to build his credibility up. And that’s something I never thought I’d write – Jamal is a tool for getting someone over. Jamal is a tool, yeah. But for building someone up? Damn this crazy world.
Winner – Super Marioella continues his face-version of the Honky-Tonk Man’s IC title-reign.
Danny Cox: This belt needs to be away from the low-card (Santino) and away from the main event (Umaga) and back on high mid-card talent where it belongs (Regal). I’m glad Umaga decided to invoke his rematch clause some two months later. And I’m sure he asked for it too since Armando has disappeared. He walked right into the office, started speaking in gibberish, and then his new handler the ULTIMATE WOYAH translated at which point a computer program printed out another translation stating, “Umaga want shiny belt back!†Hence IT’S-A ME MARIO will thankfully be squashed! But hey, remember when Umaga was an unbeatable monster and in the most heavily promoted match but then almost sent to OVW by CenaHogan? If he loses here, Umaga is a year down the drain for WWE Creative.
Winner and NEW Champ – Uuuuuuuuuuuuumaga
Vinny Truncellito: Huh? Oh, I guess Umaga wants to get back where he was before Trump/Lashley/McMahon got in his way.
Winner – Umaga
Widro: The Santino experiment is going very badly, and Umaga has been marginalized lately.
Winner – Umaga
Mark Allen: I don’t think they are going to give up in this Santino experiment quite yet. I expect a run-in from Mick Foley to help Santino keep his belt, leading to an Umaga-Foley match for SummerSlam and a Santino-William Regal program where Santino will get some valuable on-the-job training.
Winner – Santino Marella
Montel Vontavious Porter (c) Vs. Ric Flair
Iain Burnside: WHOOO! Bom-bom-bombom… Ticktock CAW I’m a Pelican, whee… That’s the mash-up of their entrance themes, by the way. Apparently at Booker’s school’s indy gig thingy MVP turned up with a brother called VIP. A real brother, not merely a black brother. Only not an actual real brother, a pretend real brother. But Vince died so it would still be real to us, dammit. Look out for the rest of his family, including MLK, RSVP, RSPW, MOTYC, WCW, STD, USSR, BYOB, TFIF and ROFLMFNAO. What? Oh yeah, the title. Which one is it? Oh, right. THAT one. We all know what is to be done with THAT one. Yes, yes…
Winner – THE BLACK FELLA
Pulse Glazer: This really needed more time to simmer. MVP should win here and Flair as his mentor would work fabulously.
Winner – MVP
Andy Wheeler: Hmm, interesting little match. Here’s a chance for Porter to show the people what he can do with one of the best of all time. Flair seems to shine in the ring with younger talent and thankfully Porter is not the broomstick that he once was. I mentioned a few weeks ago that Flair was going to be another addition to the “selfless veterans who want to get people over†club, so here you go. Plus, if this does lead to the Flair heel turn later in the night, at least we got to see Porter/Flair once.
Winner – Montel Vontavious Porter
Paulie Walker: MVP beats up Batista’s idol and will go on to get the snot kicked out of him in a continuance of the long series of non-title matches by the Animal.
Winner – MVP
Paul Beasley: Tricky one. I could see them giving Flair this leading to a Chris Masters feud, and allowing Porter to move up towards an eventual Heavyweight title push, but I think he still needs more of an extended run with the belt to consolidate his position.
Winner – MVP
Danny Cox: This match was thrown together way too fast for MVP to lose the title already. MVP has impressed in recent months as I have continued to say. His feud with Benoit was great and his in-ring and mic skills have both vastly improved. He knows how to play the cowardly heel but also can play the bad ass heel too, very nice indeed. Flair needed a feud to start his Smackdown run and this was a nice one to throw him in. I don’t think it will necessarily be clean, but MVP will get a victory over his second of the Four Horsemen.
Winner and STILL Champ – MVP
Vinny Truncellito: The only reason for this match is to make MVP look that much better after he defeats the former 16-time world heavyweight champ, and nobody’s ever been better at making an opponent shine as the Nature Boy.
Winner – MVP
Widro: This could be a great match, MVP has shown a lot in the ring and Flair can still go.
Winner – MVP
Mark Allen: Flair has slid into that put over everybody role and it won’t change here with Porter.
Winner – MVP
Raffi Shamir: MVP is going to get really big as time goes by. He has the right attitude and he’s improving with every match. Now that he’s finished with Benoit’s training and he’s on to the best teacher on the roster, Ric Flair, he’ll continue to get better. He’s keeping the belt for now.
Winner – Montel Vontavious Porter
Melina Perez (c) Vs. Candice Michelle
Pulse Glazer: The real TnA division. Melina defends, not that any thought went into that decision. WWE doesn’t think it through, why should I?
Winner – Melina
Andy Wheeler: Candice Michelle has improved in the ring, blah blah blah. I mean, she doesn’t suck. She can do some moves. She doesn’t look like Velvet McIntire or Rockin’ Robin. The women’s division picked up Jillian Hall and she’s going to need an opponent, so why not take the belt off of Melina and give it to Candice so she can feud with Hall? With no Nitro, Melina doesn’t have a hell of a lot going on, so she’ll stick with the woman’s division.
Winner – Candice
Paulie Walker: I wonder if Candice’s nose has finally gotten thin enough to fit between the gap in Melina’s teeth? They surprise us all and Candice takes home the gold.
Winner – Candice Michelle
Paul Beasley: Shitty match provides the culmination of the Candice push. And considering they’ve just lost Victoria from the RAW Roster, Candice will move onto facing the amazing wrestling prowess of Jillian when she’s done with Melina. Which won’t be yet.
Winner – Candice
Loser – Everyone except pubescent teenage boys. And possibly even them.
Danny Cox: Let’s see, Horseface or the Monica Seles screamer of women’s wrestling. I hate seeing either one of these chicks hold that belt considering the gorgeous, and my love, Mickie is sitting by and then Victoria gets drafted to Smackdown where she has no chance at the damn belt. This is retarded.
Winner and NEW Champ – Candice Michelle
Vinny Truncellito: They really should pull the trigger now, while this angle has a drop of steam left.
Winner – Candice Michelle
Widro: Ah women’s matches!
Winner – Candice
Mark Allen: I expect Candice to walk out with the belt here, leading to at least one more rematch and then perhaps a Jillian-Candice program. Candice has improved greatly over the past year and a lot worse women have held that belt.
Winner – Candice Michelle
Raffi Shamir: It’s amazing but Candice is actually getting better as a wrestler. Not as good as Mickey James, Victoria (Why the hell was she moved to Smackdown?) or even Melina, but she’s taking small step forward. But I think Melina should and will remain as the focus of the women’s division.
Winner – Melina
Iain Burnside: Jingle bells, Candice smells, her cooch is filled with wee. Oh what fun is to glide in and out so easily. Everybody!
Winner – CANDICE MICHELLE, to not rhyme with ‘wholesome’
Chavo Guerrero (c) Vs. Jimmy Wang Yang
Andy Wheeler: This is not an overly exciting match and indicative of the fact that the WWE has no idea what to do with this belt and thanks to roster cuts, Yang and Funaki are the only face cruiserweights. Chavo could drop the belt here and finally move up and do something with more impact, especially with Vicki involved. Yang with the gold means that he can feud with Noble, which is okay in my book.
Winner – Jimmy Wang Yang
Paulie Walker: Chavo sure has restored the luster and importance of that Cruiser title, hasn’t he? Umm… yeah.
Winner and NEW CHAMPEEN! – Jimmy Wang Yang.
Paul Beasley: Because at least one of the mens titles has to change hands, and because Jimmy the Wang is being pushed as hard as any cruiserweight ever is, he picks up the win here.
Winner – Jimmy Wang Yang
Danny Cox: Easily second match of the night right here behind Benoit/Punk, if they are given enough time. Yang has been fun to watch since WCW, so seeing him in a great feud with Chavo is gold. Chavo has held that title for a long long time and the Cruiserweight division could really see some good matches with Shannon Moore, Jamie Noble, and Gregory Helms when he returns. I think Yang will get the much deserved win here (and he reminds me of one of my favorite games, Sunset Riders) and go on to feud with Noble when NOBLE WANG EXPLODES!
Winner and NEW Champ – Jimmy Wang Yang
Vinny Truncellito: Yang is due for a victory over the champ here, as he’s had Chavo’s number for quite some time.
Winner – Jimmy Wang Yang
Widro: The title that has no meaning comes to PPV! Should be a good in ring match, maybe it’s time for a title change, who knows.
Winner – Jimmy Wang
Mark Allen: Hopefully Jimmy walks out with his first piece of gold. I don’t excited about the cruiserweight division anymore because everytime I do I just get disappointed a couple weeks later again. Jimmy will just be the next placeholder champion until they decide to move the belt to someone else again. A long shot would be a nice Jimmy-Jaime Noble feud, but that’s just a pipe dream at this point. It is just nice to see that Jimmy finally gets a slot on PPV.
Winner – Jimmy Wang Yang
Raffi Shamir: That’s something we haven’t seen in a while. The CW strap defended on PPV. Thank god they’re doing a night of champions so they have to present a CW title match. Yang has been in the title picture for a long time now, no matter who the champion was/is and I think he’ll get it now, as Chavo has been doing absolutely nothing as champion.
Winner – Jimmy Wang Yang
Iain Burnside: Heh. ‘Wang’. I hope Eddie’s estate is okay. Perhaps it will be revealed that the rights to the Rockers theme tune were included in his estate after he went on a wrestling music spending spree – his last addiction. Chav and Vick wanted to keep it to themselves to blackmail Vince in order to neither hire nor fire Marty Jannetty anymore, which Benoit was having none of because he has a secret attraction to tassels. Shawn Michaels found out about all of this and tried to have a word with Jesus, only he wasn’t listening because he got upset about Marty getting shafted and blew up Vince to take him out of the equation and leave ChaVick no reason to continue with the storyline. Just as well, really. Chavo is as interesting as a Bon Jovi B-side.
Winner – and they sang shang-a-lang, watching JIMMY WANG YANG, singing doo-wop-be-dooby-do-ay…
Pulse Glazer: Yang really could be entertaining with the belt and Chavo needs to lose it in preparation for Rey’s return since I’m sure he’ll show up somehow in that angle.
Winner – Yang
The Redneck Whirling Dervish (Cade & Murdoch) (c) Vs. The Hardyz
Paulie Walker: Again? Really? For truth? Geez, you wouldn’t know there were other tag teams on Raw that have both members actually ON the roster. Redneckz win to plant Matt back on Smackdown full time.
Winners – Cade and Murdoch
Paul Beasley: Yet another belt-retention here, because the writers can’t decide what the f*ck to do with the Hardys. Matt’s probably chasing Edge next though, so Rednecks go over.
Winners – Rednecks
Danny Cox: The Rednecks have really turned into one of the premiere teams in all of WWE and that long drawn out heel/face/heel turn thing with the Hardyz is what did it for them. They played it perfectly and got the titles by using some good old fashioned heel trickery. I don’t see them losing the titles just yet considering there are about five other teams they can feud with on RAW and maybe now Matt can stay on HIS show.
Winners and STILL Champs – The Redneck Whirling Dervish
Vinny Truncellito: The Crew need to have a long reign with the straps, facing all the new RAW teams like the HooliganZ before they even consider taking the titles off of them.
Winners – Cade and Murdoch
Widro: This should be another good match in their series. With the Hardyz in line for singles pushes, I think the tag titles would be a step back.
Winners – Cade/Murdoch
Mark Allen: The Rednecks walk out with the belts here in a blow off to what has been a surprisingly entertaining feud. Now move The Rednecks onto Cryme Tyme while Londrick & WGTT tag team rip up the undercard so that the tag division looks like a real division. Then they can build to the eventual Londrick-Rednecks feud for later this summer or early in the fall.
Winners – Cade and Murdoch
Raffi Shamir: Can you remember Cade & Murdoch when they debuted? They were terrible. But being in the same ring with The Hardies has been really good to them. WWE seems to be focused again on the brand separation after the draft, so I don’t think we’ll see Matt & Jeff team up much in the future and the rednecks will keep the belts here, moving on to face another energetic team in London & Kendrick.
Winners – Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch
Iain Burnside: I believe Cryme Tyme have been the #1 contenders for about seven months now. And Benjamin & Haas kept their feud with the Hardys going after their match at whatever-the-last-PPV-was-I-do-not-remember-now-I-lost-count-after-In-Your-House-20, only they did nothing about it after that night ended. Maybe they didn’t have to, maybe Shelton showed them his black man wanger and made them cry. And Cryme Tyme have those too! Gosh, Jeff and his hankies as a perpetual motion machine. At least the chuds are doing rather well for themselves of late and now have the titles to… well, to what? I was going to write ‘enhance their status’ but it only puts them on par with Hurricane & Rosey, Fat Piper & Saggy Flair and the Spirit Squad. Still, it’s better than OVW. Probably.
Winners – the REDNECK WRECKING CREW? Did you just make that up? I’d have called them THE ADKANTANKEROUS CANVENTUROUS RELIABILITY HOSTILES… But they’re winning…
Pulse Glazer: I’d usually pick the Hardyz so that they could face London and Kendrick next, but unfortunately for their tag title aspirations, I think Matt faces Edge on Smackdown next, so the Rednecks keep their gold.
Winners – Cade and Murdoch
Andy Wheeler: And in the foregone conclusion match of the night, we will FINALLY see the last of the Hardys as a regular team. Fuck, I’m begging you, let Matt Hardy branch out. I’ve said it every damn roundtable for the past 3 months, Matt Hardy needs to be alone on Smackdown if he is going to succeed. Cade & Murdoch have a great look and are good in the ring, and when they face Kendrick & London it’s going to be an entertaining series of matches. Anything’s better then Deuce & Domino.
Winners – Cade & Murdoch
Open Challenge From The Untouchables (Deuce & Domino) (c)
Paul Beasley: If it turns out to be the Majors, then Dungeons&Dragons retain. If not, then it should be a new pairing to surprise them (something about as logical as Kane & X-Pac), and they will probably take the belt.
Winners – All depends (see above).
Danny Cox: I honestly thought the Highlanders would be drafted to Smackdown since they aren’t doing a damn thing on RAW. When it didn’t happen on RAW, I fully expected it in the supplemental draft especially since London & Kendrick got taken. So now the only logical choice for the Untouchables’ opponents are the Majors. And while I think the WWE would enjoy a tremendous underdog win by having the rookies take the titles, it makes no sense. If they win, then D&D would have to feud with them anyway because there is no-one else on Friday nights; so why not just have an actual feud start with the Greasers winning it by shenanigans?
Winners and STILL Champs – Bird T-BIRDS!
Vinny Truncellito: Major Brothers, Deuce and Domino retain
Winner – Deuce & Domino
Widro: I could see the raw winner taking the title show here to unify the titles, or a team from raw taking the challenge like the Highlanders and winning and jumping to Smackdown.
Winner – mystery challengers
Mark Allen: I’m guessing it will The Major Brothers they are facing just by process of elimination. The match probably won’t look like much, but I’m excited for the Majors to be on PPV. I’m slowly becoming a mark for them because they look like an ’80s team, and I love ’80s tag team wrestling.
Winner – Deuce and Domino
Raffi Shamir: The only team on Smackdown are The Majors, so I guess they’ll challenge for the titles here. Smackdown’s history shows us that teams tend to get the tag titles very soon after they debut, sometimes in the their first match, so this works in favor of The majors. Besides, Deuce & Domino haven’t really impressed and I think WWE may want to go a different way.
Winners – The Majors
Iain Burnside: Who’s untouchable? The ’50s guys are untouchable? Why would I want to touch them in the first place? Are they made of chocolate? Or beer? Or beer that when you put it into the fridge turns into chocolate, so on a hot day you can leave the chocolate out since if it melts it just becomes beer anyway? Why is this product not available to receive my transactions? Let’s all greet this match with a rousing chorus of “who the f*ck are the tag team champions?” You know the tune!
Winners – the ones announced for the match
Pulse Glazer: Aren’t the Majors the only team on SD now besides D and D?
Winners – D and D
Andy Wheeler: If it happens, I see no reason why they should take the gold off of Deuce & Domino. The Majors don’t exactly scream excitement but maybe after they chase for a little while they will. Eh, who cares?
Winners – Deuce and Domino
Paulie Walker: I haven’t watched ECW in ages so I have no idea who the Major Brothers are. So they will obviously win.
Winners – The Major Brothers
WWE Title: Cena 9–1 (1 for Orton)
Heavyweight Title: Edge 10–0 (unanimous)
ECW Title: Benoit 10–0 (unanimous)
IC Title: Umaga 7-3
US Title: MVP 10-0 (unanimous)
Women’s Title: Candice Michelle 8-2
Cruiserweight Title: Jimmy Wang Yang 10-0 (unanimous)
World Tag Titles: Rednecks 10-0 (unanimous)
WWE Tag Titles: TIE 5-3-2 (5 for Deuce & Domino, 3 for mystery opponents, 2 undecided)
Damn we were in a lot of agreement this time around. Think we know what we’re talking about? Let’s hear your picks everyone. Head on over to the forums and let us know if you agree with us or not and just to talk about the PPV itself. Make sure to tune in Sunday night for all the coverage and results of WWE’s Night Of Champions.
