I apologize for the tardiness of this recap. I promise to add more sarcasm and Burnsidian absurdist flourishes in an attempt to make up for it.
After a recap of last week’s show, we get a pretty cool video putting over the idea of the Turkey Bowl, set to the Monday Night Football theme (I wonder how much they had to pay for that?). It started out just as over the top as most of TNA’s video packages, but then took a more humorous turn. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the quality of TNA’s video packages; they certainly have a distinctive look, and after years of WCW’s shoddy production values, I appreciate the attention to detail and level of quality. That said, they tend to get a little pretentious at times, so it was a really nice change of pace that the professional James Earl Jones sound alike they use as a voice over guy got to have fun with the copy for once, instead of using literary quotes and overheated prose to put over Abyss vs. Black Reign or whatever.
The show proper opens with the first of many visits to the Angle Family Thanksgiving Dinner we’d have over the course of the evening. Kurt and Karen are joined by the Angle Alliance and JB, who is pretty great as a pathetic hanger on. Also great; Kurt wearing his TNA Title Belt to dinner. I would totally do that if I ever won any title belt of any kind. Karen and Kurt are also dressed as Pilgrims, which is funny on a number of levels. Kurt goes for one of the obvious ones by calling Karen “the Land O’ Lakes Lady”, eschewing the parallels between the Puritans being kicked out of England and his being kicked out of WWE for obvious reasons. They saved a place for Christian, complete with a place card, and AJ tries to makes sure that he gets a drumstick. Kurt does the blessing after Tomko declines, and gets some shots in at Pac-man Jones and the writer’s strike before asking the Lord God to be on his side at the PPV against “Fat Joe and the Oldtimers.” I’m not sure if he should have, given how crappy a partner God was for Shawn Michaels against the McMahons last year. I bet you forgot all about that, didn’t you? Well, that’s part of what I’m here for; to dredge up repressed memories of insulting wrestling angles.
Now it’s time for some actual wrestling on this wrestling show, in the form of the opening round of the Turkey Bowl Tournament. For a TNA Gimmick Match, it’s shockingly straightforward, although so is anything that doesn’t involve a flow chart and a slide rule. There will be three triple threat matches, with a wrestler representing the X-Division, Heavyweight, and Tag Division in each match. The three winners will go on to compete in the finals, with the winner earning $25,000 and the loser having to wear a turkey suit. The third guy in the match gets nothing, apparently, although I’d like to assume they get some sort of hilariously mediocre consolation prize, like a year’s supply of tofurkey. At any rate, the opening match of the tournament is:
Turkey Bowl Tournament Match: Brother D-Von (w/ X-Division Title) vs. Chris Sabin vs. Abyss- D-Von jumps Sabin to start the match and pounds away before Abyss makes his big entrance. They go for a bit, and now D-Von’s the smaller guy and bumps around accordingly. D-Von counters out of an Abyss goozle (the technical wrestling term for “choking a dude”) and a Sabin springboard dropkick hits the big masked guy. D-Von low blows Abyss and clotheslines him out. Sabin snaps off a ‘rana, but D-Von’s had it with this selling shit and clothesline him off a springboard. D-Von goes on to employ video game strategy, focusing his attacks on Sabin (who was doing an AKI N64 wrestling game-esque amount of springboarding) while knocking Abyss out of the ring when he tries to get involved. To keep the video game references going, I can only assume Abyss was checking in on his Nintendog while spending all that time on the outside. I mean, if crazy Dustin Rhodes can get a rat, why can’t Abyss have a virtual pet? You can have that one for free, Russo.
A double knockout cues Abyss to put down the DS and clean house. He gets the chokeslam on D-Von, but Sabin uses the brilliant counter of biting Abyss’s fingers to avoid the same fate. I love that he can do that and still be a face. He goes for the Cradleshock, and that works out about as well as you’d expect, and Abyss hits the Shock Treatment to really rub it in. Getting bored backstage with just three guys in the ring, Russo hits his giant red “Run in” button and Rellik, Black Reign, at Rhyno arrive at ringside shortly thereafter to brawl their way backstage, costing Abyss $25,000. Admittedly, he’s a demented mute retard, so it’s not like he’d know what to do with the money. What? That’s his character!
This leaves D-Von and Sabin alone for a bit, long enough for Sabin to dodge a corner clothesline and hit a nasty looking running yakuza kick and tornado DDT for a near fall. He gets the 10 punches in the corner and reminds us what Michigan looks like again as Brother Ray runs in. He would have appeared when Russo hit the run in button the first time, but he ran out of breath on the way out. Five times. He did regain his breath enough to charge Sabin, but the joke’s on Ray, as Sabin dives out of the way and enziguiri’s Ray to take him out of commission. I bet he does that to anyone who sneaks up on him. D-Von tries the inverted DDT, but Sabin reverses to a school boy for three and he’s in the finals.
Meanwhile, backstage, Hall and Nash are here! In an SUV! Which means their next big feud will be with Al Gore. He and Hall can fight over who’s gained the most weight since 1992! Before that, though, they’re going to crash Angle’s dinner.
Next week, Booker tells us why he jumped to TNA. How he’ll do that without saying the words wellness, program, or violation should be interesting.
We’re back to the Angle Family Thanksgiving, and a bunch of heels arrive and do their schtick, including Chris Harris, who whines about the directions. Even though the party’s obviously in the Impact Zone. He must be a real pain in the ass backstage to get stuck with this on screen personality. Then Eric Young wanders in and knocks things over before getting banished to the table with Angle’s daughter, which is perfect.
Turkey Bowl Tournament Match: Johnny Devine vs. Kip James vs. Samoa Joe- Now that he’s the X-Division’s Benedict Arnold, Devine gets his old name back and can actually dress like a human being again, instead of looking like one of Raven’s S&M playmates. He’s still totally jobbing in this match, mind you. The has been and never was jump Joe, and then attack him Black Ninja style. Guess who does better with that? Kip does get in a leapfrog over Joe, which is impressive, at least in the sense that I wasn’t sure he could even leave his feat at this point. Joe gets some of his trademark offense in, but BG grabs his leg and the heels take advantage, and decide to double team him. That does lead to a Hart Attack, which is always nice to see, but alas, dissension tears Ass Havok apart, as they fight over the pin and Joe takes advantage and cleans house. Joe gets Kip up for a Muscle Buster, but BG saves and the ref finally tells him to take a hike. Joe tosses Divine at Kip and BG gets taken out in the process, making that point moot. Joe follows with the Muscle Buster to finish off everyone’s fifth favorite former member of Team Canada and advance to the finals.
Back to the Angle Family Thanksgiving, and Petey, Sharky, and Sanjay-y make their appearance. That sounds like a multi-culti friendly version of the old “A rabbi, a priest, and a minister” joke set up, actually. Because guys who dress up like predators of the sea are a culture. Shark Boy’s in a neck brace, which shows dedication of his craft. Beyond the fact that he’s kept that gimmick for forever and a day. Sanjay panhandles for donations, and Kurt gives him some of his chewed food, which makes Sanjay’s day. The guy who used to write the Little Things would love this show. Storm and EY continue their drinking contest, while AJ has to leave for his match, angering Karen by not touching his food. I bet this resembles more than a few people’s holiday dinners, to be honest.
Turkey Bowl Tournament Match: AJ Styles vs. “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal vs. Christian Cage- Christian doesn’t show up after a few minutes, so they start the match and Lethal rolls AJ up while the lights are still dim from Cage’s entrance. Small package gets another near fall. AJ takes over after that, as it occurs to me that this is a match between the former X-Division standard bearer and the current one, which tells you exactly what place the belt has in the current scheme of things. I mean, I enjoy Lethal’s Macho Man impression as much as the next guy, but we’ve gone from AJ being the man because, well, he was the man to Lethal only getting a big push because he can do a dead on impression of a more famous wrestler. It’s in better shape than the WWE Cruiserweight title, which looks to have been retired after being held by a midget who just happens to be more over than anyone to hold it since Rey Mysterio, but that’s not saying much. Which is sad, since I’m sure I’m not the only for whom the X-Division was a draw to TNA in the first place.
Ahem, back to the match. After AJ controls for a bit with punches and knees, Lethal counters a corner charge with a backflip and a slick ‘rana. Okay, I don’t remember Savage ever doing that, so points to Lethal for that. A body slam leads to a top rope sledge, which goes back to the Savage playbook. That gets two. Another Lethal slam attempt leads to AJ countering out with a punch. A phenomenal punch! AJ stays with what works there for a bit, before his hip toss is reversed to Lethal’s cool hip toss to a front dropkick combo, which gets 2. Lethal back elbow gets 2, but AJ gets him in the corner and does some shoulder tackles. He hits the turnbuckle head first on a splash attempt, though (admittedly, that seems like the least vulnerable part of his body at this point) and Lethal works a headlock off that. AJ pulls his hair to counter and chops away. Lethal uses an elbow to counter a whip and hits some bionic elbows to stay on message (the message being that he likes to use his elbow to inflict pain), but a rope running sequence leads to an AJ phenomenal dropkick, and he takes the time to really celebrate it, posing and spinning around — right in time to see Christian charging down the ramp. AJ does the mature thing and runs away like an underage drinker at a keg party at the sight of cops, and we head to the break.
We’re back, and since AJ headed for the hills, it’s a one on one match between Lethal and Christian at this point. They trade pin attempts, but Christian takes control. That goes on for a while. AJ hiding in the tunnel is another one of those great touches that makes me love this goofy henchman role of his. He creeps back up the ramp a bit, but Christian chases him off again, and Lethal gets a small package when he gets back in the ring. Christian cuts off an attempt at further offense, though, and slaps him around in the corner. With Lethal incapacitated, Christian takes the opportunity to share pantomime gesture with him, starting with my all time favorite, motioning at his waste to let us know that there will soon be a belt there, and ending with what I believe was a sign to steal third base. This infuriates Lethal enough to get his boots up off a charge and hits a top rope calf kick, showing have far in to character he is; it’s a little known fact that Savage hated mime in all its forms.
Lethal hits some jabs and a whip. Christian floats over out of the corner, but Lethal follows that with a moonsault press. Lethal hits some bionic elbows, the savage rope choke, and because it’s just the thing to do for the X-Division guys tonight, a springboard dropkick for 2. They must be playing a lot of No Mercy or something. Christian dumps him on the apron, and Lethal tries to springboard in again, but Christian catches him in a fireman’s carry and follows with a gutbuster for 2. He tries his inverted DDT, but Lethal counters to the Lethal Combo and goes up for the elbow. AJ crotches him, however, and Christian’s able to get the Unprettier off that. AJ springboards in, because apparently even former X-Division guys are obligated to do it at least once, splashing Lethal in the process. He’s trying to get Christina’s attention but winds up getting the three count in the process. Oops! Christian’s understandably not happy about that, despite AJ’s protests.
Back to the Angle Family Thanksgiving, because God forbid we go between commercials without seeing Angle. I say this as a big fan of the guy, but if he keeps this up, he’ll be taking Jarrett’s place in ways I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to. Anyway, Reign and Rellik show up, to represent your crazy, Satanist managed relatives. Every family has at least two. EY is drunk, shirtless, and looking for Batman while Reign’s pet rat gets in the green beans. I hate it when that happens. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m really enjoying these interludes.
We head back to the Angles and Lethal shows up. He wants to know where Heenan, Okelund, and Jake the Snake are before So Cal Val shows up and diverts his attention. He acts all chivalrous towards her, and even West can connect the dots there, even if he can’t make the connection to Liz explicit, lest he depress the hell out of everyone.
Knockouts 3 Way: Angelina Love vs. Velvet Sky vs. ODB- Love and Sky are the new names for Angel Williams and Talia Madison, because apparently they didn’t sound enough like strippers before. Well, that’s the best guess I have for it. Sky is wearing torn camouflage. I’m not sure it works if it’s in pieces. Not that I’m complaining, especially as she’s appropriated Stacy Keibler’s entrance pose. I guess the statute of limitations on that one’s expired anyway. Love is rocking her distaff Black Canary outfit, and I can always get behind a woman in fishnets. Take that as a double entendree if you like. ODB’s taken to bringing a flask to the ring to accentuate her whole “wild woman” gimmick.
Wait, you want me to talk about the match? Well, okay, theoretical reader, if you insist. I’m getting dangerously close to Slayer territory anyway. ODB dumps Sky on the ramp to start and then goes after Sky, but Love comes back with a crossbody on ODB. Some Stratus forearms (maybe every blonde woman from Toronto learns them as a right of passage?) lead to a flying headscissor. Love and Sky exchange chops while ODB takes a swing in the corner. She’s really committed to establishing her character, at least. Sky gets some kicks off a whip, taking Love down to her knees, and gets a faceplant DDT off of that, which is different, at least. ODB breaks up the pin off that, and then hits her fallaway slam/kip up (would nip up be appropriate or sleazy there?) after Sky tries to crossbody her. The crowd’s chanting for ODB, although I’m not sure if that’s because they dig her or cannot go five minutes without chanting anything because everyone has ADD, though. Love and Sky double the Impact Zone’s new hero with peroxide power. Love goes for a pin, but Sky pulls her off and dropkicks her out of the ring. She goes after ODB, but eats a jawbreaker. ODB leads her to the corner and goes up, slamming her face 12 times (West dubs it the Dirty Dozen) and follows with a Thesz Press from the top for the three count. That’s something different, as is ODB’s whole drunken brawler of a character. It was nice for them to try and establish other people in the Women’s Division besides Kim and Kong, too, even if I wasn’t that in to the match, despite being a fan of women’s matches in general.
We return to the Angle Family Dinner. Kurt wants to restore order, but between JB having a turkey baster down his pants (Kurt did ask if it was that or if he was just happy to see him) and Kong showing up and eating plastic fruit, it’s a lost cause. Lethal gets some great lines about Kong’s knock on the door (“Is that the Undertaker?”) and her general appearance (“I didn’t know Kamala was gonna be here!”).
We return to a Fallen Angel promo. Elix and Low Ki earn their money by standing around in the background as Daniels delivers a hellfire and brimstone-esque sermon about how God hates us for being wastes of skin. That’s an interesting direction for him. And hey, maybe he can feud with Sting now. That would surely elevate him! Oh, wait.
Back to the Angle’s once again. 3D joins the party and everyone else is pissed, which is a pretty funny reaction. The rank and file wrestlers take a like, leaving the Angle’s alone with them. Kurt insisting that he didn’t invite them is pretty funny, as his magnanimous “take some leftovers” line. 3D sits down to eat with Angle’s daughter, and she tells them they suck. From the mouths of babes and all.
Turkey Bowl Finals (Or, the Best X-Division Title Match That Never Happened): AJ vs. Sabin vs. Joe- JB does the special ring intro, which the Kazarian/Angle title match didn’t even get. It’s always cool when it happens, though. The faces double AJ to start, then do one of those parity sequences where they trade a bunch of quick counters on basic mat wrestling, but do it quickly enough that it looks great and gets a pop. They face off after that, but AJ charges and takes a comedic spill when they move out of the way. Man, he is so great at this goofball heel character. Have I mentioned that enough yet. Sabin hits a nasty looking spinkick to Joe’s chin to counter a charge, causing the big fella to roll outside. Sabin follows that up with a suicide dive on to AJ, and that’s your convenient commercial break highspot.
We’re back, and it looks like Sabin gets the wind knocked out of him off a botched float over attempt off an AJ backdrop. Joe goes after AJ with jabs and a leg sweep, then hits Sabin with his jumping kick, knocking him out of the ring. AJ cuts off the suicide dive attempt by nailing him from the apron and takes over on Joe. Sabin interrupts that with a springboard arm bar, and he’s able to transition that in to an armbar and then a pin attempt for two. AJ hits him with a throat thrust to regain the momentum, but Sabin blocks a hiptoss attempt with an abdominal stretch, then hits a charging Joe with an Octopus hold variant. He goes on to transition that in to a sunset flip for two before AJ breaks it up. Sabin’s really taking advantage of the chance to main event and work with the two best workers in the company here.
AJ suplexes Joe, hurting his back in the process. Ha! Backbreaker on Sabin, and AJ goes after Joe again, slapping on a chinlock. Sabin decides that we need a cutesy triple threat spot and slaps one on AJ, then Joe stunners them both to break and send us to another commercial.
AJ’s slapping Joe around when we get back, then turns his attention to Sabin, who responds with his awesome “DDT one guy and enziguri the other” spot. Well, the DDT didn’t quite work out, but he and AJ were able to make it look like a pin attempt to save some face. And I really just appreciate the attempt. That gets 2. A cool spot sees Sabin whip AJ in to Joe. Joe picks AJ up for a running powerslam, booting Sabin in the process, and then ramming AJ in to Sabin in the corner before finishing the slam on AJ. You can sort of do that in Smackdown vs. RAW, actually. Joe hits his atomic drop and flying kick combo, then flapjacks Sabin on to AJ! I love this match. Joe follows with a senton on to AJ for two, and Sabin breaks it up. Joe gets a strike combo, but Sabin breaks up the discuss punch with the ROH-alumni spinning gut kick. He tries to clothesline Joe over the top, but that ain’t happening, and Joe backdrops him to the apron. Sabin decides to improvise and hook Joe’s leg to the rope and slide on the top rope for a kick. He goes for the show’s 3,000 springboard attack, but AJ cuts him off and slams him on the apron and railing, then tries to suplex him through a table I missed him setting up earlier. Sabin blocks and they fight over that, before Joe tries to drive them both through the damn thing with a suicide dive. They don’t call it a suicide dive for nothing, though, and he winds up going through it. ECW! ECW! Oh, wait, I’m sorry; this is the wrong promotion and/or decade. We go to commercial break just so that everyone can catch their breath. I’m sure they do stuff like this roughly every three minutes in ROH, but this was pretty crazy for a broadcast TV match.
We’re back, and AJ’s in control. He hits a brainbuster for 2. He follows with some forearms and a charge, but Sabin pops up and runs alongside him before hitting a bulldog. AJ’s expression of befuddlement when he realized Sabin wasn’t there was priceless. Corner yakuza kick sets up a springboard clothesline for 2! He goes for the Cradleshock, but AJ gets a roll up out of that, and that leads to a Styles Clash. 1, 2, no! Joe makes the miraculous comeback to break it up. That spot was diminished a bit when I saw Joe’s head peaking over the apron on a second viewing (yes, I watched the match twice), but still, nice timing. He chops away and then catches AJ off a quebrada DDT attempt and hits him with an Island Driver for 2, before Sabin makes the save to send us to yet another commercial.
We’re back and Sabin’s going up with Joe and AJ prone. Joe cuts him off and goes for a Muscle Buster. They fight over that, AJ pushes Joe in to Sabin, and Joe jumpkicks Sabin to the floor. AJ Pele’s him off a charge, but Joe hits his one armed slam off a charge and follows with a Muscle Buster for the pin and the $25,000! And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my favorite TV match of the year, and one that’s definitely worth watching in any format you can. That’s all I’ll say about it.
Joe celebrates with his fake check and silver belt buckle (well, that’s what it looks like) but before we can forget who the real star of the promotion is, we head back to the Angles. Angle’s pissed that anyone he’s associated with would wear something as dumb as a turkey suit, so he and Tomko head off to stop it, leaving Karen to entertain all of the crazy people in TNA. Apparently they just went to the bathroom when 3D showed up earlier. AJ won’t put the damn suit on back in the Impact Zone, and Tenay tells us that Jim Cornette’s on his way down to the ring. He’s going to see that justice is done, according to Tenay. I don’t know about you, but my personal definition of justice isn’t quite wide enough to encompass a red faced wrestling luminary forcing a guy to don a turkey suit. That’s just me, though.
We head back to the Angle dinner one last time, and Karen brings out the pie just as Hall and Nash finally arrive at the party, about an hour and a half after they first showed up. That’s actually a new personal best for Hall, though. At any rate, I’m sure you can guess what happened next. I’m not sure they could have telegraphed it more. Although if they had actually literally telegraphed it, I would have had to pledge my first born to the Clique. Seriously, that would be great. Karen. Stop. We’re on our way to shove your face in the pie. Stop. I just have to get Scott to stop doing Razor Ramon promos for drinking money at Universal. Stop. Kev. It would also be appropriate for their ages, given that they both started out in the business in the 1890s.
Anyway, a food fight breaks out soon after, the best parts of which are Shark Boy dumping water on Jackie Moore’s chest and Lethal shielding Val from the flying food. Especially since he called for the fight in the first place. We also get a pay off for Kong’s quest for real food, as she finally gets a turkey leg.
Meanwhile, back in the ring, Cornette forces AJ to don the turkey suit on pain of firing. Val being at ringside hurts my suspension of disbelief a little. Unless she can teleport. AJ throws a tantrum, as I continue to mark out for his comedic stylings. Who needs five star matches when he won’t pull on a plastic turkey leg? The crowd chants “gobble gobble” to lend credence to my “the crowd has ADD” theory, and West joins in, because these things get even funnier when they’re louder. He also had turkey pajamas when he was a kid, apparently. That’s one of those things I did not want to know about Don West. Really, any personal information about Don West is too much.
AJ finally dons the suit, head and all, and that draws out Pilgrim Kurt and Tomko, who sadly never donned a festive costume. His indifferent facial expressions would be even better were he wearing a buckle hat. Anyway, Kurt’s pissed at how ridiculous AJ looks, and you can cut the irony with a knife. As they argue over who looks dumber, Joe and the Outsiders come down the face tunnel to add insult to injury. It was nice of them to let Joe get the mic time and even play his music here. I assume he’s filling the Justin Credible role and carrying their roles in the back, though. Anyway, Joe and Kurt trade verbal barbs before the faces rush the ring and toss AJ and Tomko. Angle’s trapped, and drunk, bare chested Eric Young wanders out to the ring to shove a turkey leg down Kurt’s throat as the show ends. Which, again, strikes me as one of those holiday moments we can all relate to.
The Inside Pulse
A fun show with a great, long, main event makes me thankful that TNA’s gone to two hour shows. Enjoy what’s left of your Thanksgiving Holiday, folks; hopefully it will go better than the Angles.
