I think it’s only fair that, in the wake of Mickey Rourke’s amazing performance in The Wrestler receiving an Oscar nod, we journey back to the last time someone made a serious attempt at a movie about pro wrestling.
Unfortunately, the movie was Ready to Rumble. Starring David Arquette. Years ago someone bought it for me under the assumption that I might want to watch it someday. Well, I figured after nine years of sitting in my collection, I might as well give it a look.
Corporate synergy is a weird thing. Like in 2000, when dying promotion WCW, through parent company Time Warner, decided that a movie about a couple of retarded wrestling fans who drive a sewage truck and think wrestling is real would be a terrific project to help their image.
Gordie (Arquette) and Sean (Scott Caan) are the morons in question, who worship WCW champion Jimmy King (Oliver Platt in the worst bit of casting since forever) and journey to a Monday Nitro taping in what looks like a bingo hall for an epic King v. DDP title match. Unfortunately, King gets screwed out of his title by an unscrupulous promoter (Joe Pantoliano, really slumming it here) in what I guess was supposed to be a subtle nod to the Montreal screwjob. I should note the match itself is more hilarious than any intentional comedy in the movie, as they start by doing a standard worked match (aside from calling spots louder than Ken Shamrock) and then Page turns it into a SHOOT, brutha. Of course, even when they’re shooting, they’re still doing incredibly fake spots like a dive through a table or a pulled chairshot. Plus the big "shoot" finish involves four guys jumping off the top rope in unison (A "four post massacre" according to the announcers) before the promoter fires him and bans him from WCW for life.
Now, any human being who has an IQ of more than 50 would see this as a cliché wrestling angle and move on, but the movie asks us to buy that this is not only a real threat to King, but that Sean and Gordie would actually be dumb enough to take a road trip to find their hero and restore him to glory. This movie apparently exists in a parallel universe where WCW is the only option for a wrestler and a former undefeated World champion can’t even do indy shots. But then the comedy REALLY ramps up, as the idiots smuggle the disgraced King backstage at Nitro, where they proceed to do a wrestling angle. Page cuts a wrestling promo on the departed King (which is normally code for "this is all an angle") and then King jumps out of a port-a-potty and attacks him and pins him. But you see, according to the bylaws of WCW, the belt can’t change hands when you ambush someone, so instead they have to have a cage match to decide things. It’s really bizarre writing, as we’re supposed to be laughing at the guys who think that wrestling is real, but the "real" aspect is presented just like it’s another stupid storyline too. Obviously this is a movie written by people who know nothing about wrestling. The promos cut by King sound like something written by someone who knows nothing about wrestling. Like, would fans really start singing along to "The King of Rock"? King – himself portrayed as a cross between the characters of Jerry Lawler and Steve Austin (with the body of Mick Foley) but with none of the charisma of any of them.
I think more irritating is that, as moviegoers and wrestling fans, we have no one in the movie to root for or sympathize with. Like, we’re supposed to care about the cartoon character inbreds who are being sold as the movie’s heroes? Or the superstar wrestler who is crying foul because he was asked to do a job? Like seriously, it’s PRO WRESTLING. You lose the belt one day and then get your revenge later. The Wrestler understood that and even made a point about it with an incredibly subtle moment via an NES game with a little kid. This movie is so stupid and lowbrow that it actually expects us to feel sorry for the highly paid professional who loses one match out of his entire career. And while I’m on the subject, since they were using a bunch of WCW wrestlers as background players anyway, why didn’t they just cast a wrestler to play the lead wrestler? Because getting kicked in the nuts 18 times over the course of a 100 minute movie required more acting skill and depth than Bill Goldberg could provide? Obviously the "winning streak" gimmick is based on Goldberg anyway, why not actually give yourself a shred of credibility and cast him in the lead role? And then, and this is a crazy thought for WCW, I know, they might actually use the rivalry in the movie to build a feud in real life! Hell, Vince McMahon almost drew money off MOTHERFUCKING TONY LISTER and No Holds Barred was an even bigger piece of crap than this one!
The sad thing is that there’s an actual idea for an actual movie buried somewhere in this mess. David Arquette is not without charm and he obviously loves wrestling, even if Scott Caan comes across as a mouth-breathing knuckle-dragger for most of the movie. And the idea of a crazed super-fan who refuses to accept that a scripted pro wrestling match result is anything but real could have comedic potential. The problem is that the writers don’t understand that either, and tried to make the scripted wrestling into something "real", and it just ends up appealing to no one. Wrestling fans can spot the angle coming from a mile away, while non-fans just think it’s all fake anyway. Wrestling has seen some of the stupidest, most insane things ever to be related by human beings, and that’s just what happens BACKSTAGE. You’re telling me you couldn’t find enough goofy wrestling stories to make even a decent comedy out of it? Mr. Fuji’s road trips alone could fill a three-hour movie.
Sadly, the most horrifying atrocity committed by this movie wasn’t even featured on screen, it was the ridiculous cross-promotion with WCW where the best idea they could actually think up was duplicating the lame triple cage featured in the movie, and then having David Arquette win the WCW World title and wrestle on a PPV. In fact, this movie pretty much fails on every level — it’s a comedy that’s not funny, a wrestling movie that knows nothing about wrestling, and a heroic comeback story with a hero who isn’t the least bit likeable. However, if you need some small justification to rent it, it’s got tons of 2000-era WCW wrestlers all over the movie, so it’s a pretty neat bit of nostalgia for whatever WCW fans might still be left. And if you enjoy watching men getting hit in the junk repeatedly, you’ll probably get your $5 worth out of this one.
If Jimmy King had been shot in the head by a sniper while standing on top of the cage and then fell down and crushed both of the main characters to death, I would have considered that enough of a happy ending to warrant a recommendation. Maybe. Oh, and John Cena has a brief cameo during the gym scene and does Arquette’s wrestling scenes for him, so it’s got that going on too.
Sadly, it’s still better than The Marine.
(Rating: 1/2*)
Bonus Features
Wow, there’s a commentary with Arquette and Caan that’s just as vapid and painful as the movie! What a treat!
In addition to the trailer and cast list (which includes a giant list of wrestlers as "Himself" and then William Daley as "Billy Silverman" — What the HELL?) you get a stupid 2 minute skit with Arquette wrestling Caan on the set, quick soundbites from Bam Bam Bigelow and DDP, Bif Naked’s crappy version of "We’re Not Gonna Take It", and short soundbites from the Nitro Girls. About the quality level you’d expect from this, basically.
(Rating: **)
The Pulse:
Is this as bad as its reputation suggests? Hell yeah. I didn’t laugh once over the whole two hours (OK, except for one, when Jimmy King loses the title in the biggest screwjob ever perpetrated in wrestling and Gordie laments "It’s not even a pay per view!") and in fact I was actually cheering AGAINST the heroes of the movie because maybe if King had just put some people over the locker room wouldn’t have hated him so much.
Avoid like the plague.
