For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 1/17/11

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, endlessly repetitive column on Inside Pulse, For Your Consideration. I’m still Andrew Wheeler, because even though we have three different people doing their own version of RAW, there’s always room for more. Anyway, this week is the same as it always is, I’ll sit and watch RAW, do the Judicial Review gimmick, post it and you’ll all read it. The cyclical nature of all of this has not escaped me, I assure you.

You Know Those Nexuses That Are…Like…Double-Nexuses?

So the big news of the week was that on Smackdown, Wade Barrett went ahead and made himself Nexus Hollywood (or Nexus Wolfpac, depending on your view of Ezekiel Jackson). I’m fine with the move, as I think it corrects a major problem they were facing by moving Wade to Friday’s, namely that he looked like a chump.

Wade Barrett was the leader of the most feared stable in about 5 years in the WWE, and then all of a sudden he wasn’t. Just like that, his heat was in question. Wrestling’s a fickle bitch, ain’t she? Thankfully, after one week of him engaging in a deathblow to the career feud with The Big Show, things got repaired. Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater showed up on the B(lue)-Show, and along with Jackson, formed the Taped MidCard All-Stars. This works because (a) it keeps Wade in his role as daring mastermind (b) it gives Smackdown more depth on their roster and (c) Ezekiel Jackson won’t be forced to cut happy, smiling face promos.

The WWE is big enough to support two Nexus factions (hell, they’re big enough to support 40 wrestlers in the Royal Rumble), so there really is no major downside. What’s the fear, that the most unfuckupable angle in modern history might get fucked up? Seriously, this thing is more resilient than most strains of the flu. Having Wade & Friends on Smackdown do their shtick while Punk & Co. reek havoc on RAW is a nice way to spread the love a little bit. There is now a true sense of urgency on Friday Night Smackdown, something that show has been lacking (though their outputs the past few weeks have been fantastic).

I doubt (read: hope) that the WWE isn’t going to do a Nexus RAW versus Nexus Smackdown match anytime soon, because neither Punk nor Barrett should be turned face. This move gives Wrestlemania another option for the Friday brand, since Edge/Del Rio may not be the strongest match they have at their disposal (though JBLatino is doing a hell of a job with the time he’s been given).

Let’s all cool our jets and see how this plays out, because at the end of the day there are two white-hot stables in wrestling, and neither of them are the group that has Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair & Jeff Hardy.

Alright, that’s it for the pre-show commentary, let’s get down to it. So, remember that you can follow me on Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316), friend me on Facebook and, as always, post in the comments section down below.

The RAW Judicial Review for 1/17/10

“The Champ is here.”

We open with the standard half-hearted Martin Luther King Jr. video package. Its nice that the WWE does that, but Vince McMahon may be second to George W. Bush in the “helps out black people” department.

There’s pyro and ballyhoo and we are LIVE from the state that gave us Bill Clinton. And they waste no time by bringing out Santino…no, wait…that’s John Cena. Cena celebrates for a few moments before we relive Punk’s beatdown on him.

John points out that the beating was three weeks ago, and by default, last year. He said that this is his first time in a WWE ring in 2011, because house shows don’t count. John’s first New Year’s Resolution is to attack Cena, win the Rumble and go to Wrestlemania to win the strap. John says that if CM Punk should desire any, he should partake.

Awesome, here comes The Miz. Ah, I love the Road to Wrestlemania, because Miz and Mizfit are wearing some sharp suits. Miz, in his pink shirt & tie combo, says really thirty or forty times before pointing out that no one wants to see Cena because he’s played out. The joke’s on him because you can’t see Cena. It’s true, he’s legally blind. Hot tub accident.

Miz says that RAW is more exciting than it’s been in years, which is true since I haven’t seen a Hakushi match in 2011. Damn, I miss that guy’s tattoos. The Miz says that the Rumble will have 40 participants, making it the BIGGEST ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH IN THE HISTORY OF THE WWE! If that doesn’t get your 40 bucks, what will (aside from an entire card of quality matches)?

The Miz says that whoever wins the Rumble shouldn’t target The Miz, or his exquisite suit. He says that if someone challenges him, he will lose.

Cena mocks his cadence, making this very Pygmalion-esque. John then apes Rocky IV, though sadly he has no robot butler. Cena points out that Jerry Lawler should be champion but for Michael Cole and Megan’s Law, and Randy Orton should be champion if it wasn’t for Mizfit’s drive-by. Michael Cole compares Cena to Ricky Gervais, but no one could touch the brilliance of that Brit.

John makes some poop jokes before saying that The Miz actually had a match with Orton, but he tucked his tail and ran. Cena then puts over Lawler, and I had no idea it was 1995 again. Maybe now I can go and invest in Yahoo.

The Miz calls Cena corny and he’s sick of the label “Miz is afraid to fight.” He feels it’s lame and generic, just like John “Jorts” Cena. The Miz says he can brawl with the best of them, and if they bring out Bart Gunn, I’ll be convinced it’s the mid-90s, which means this is on dial-up Prodigy.

The Miz says he can brawl with the best of them. He would also rather die with the sinners than laugh with the saints. He’s The Miz, and he…won’t deliver the end of his catchphrase until he wins at Rumble. So they’re stealing from :”How I Met Your Mother.”

Cena says that he and Orton is Wrestlemania and The Miz won’t make it past the Royal Rumble. Well, I guess that match is now set in stone.

Before anything can go down, PuNexus comes out. Punk points out that The Miz is the WWE Champion, and waddaya know, he has the giant spinning belt. CM Punk reminds us that there are 40 participants. Punk is sporting one hell of a badass scar under his eye. He and the rest of Nexus are in the Rumble and they all want to eliminate John Cena.

CM Punk reminds us that PuNexus is to ensure that Punk wins the Rumble, so Cena’s odds go from slim to zero. Punk can’t wait to see Cena face the odds, which makes this sound a little too much like the intro to a bad educational video.

PuNexus charge the ring and Harris, Slightly Perfect and Otunga attack, but they’re jumped by…Borscht Marinara? Really? PuNexus then flee from Cena and a comedy tag team, and the disgusted look on Punk’s face matches mine. I’m also making noises akin to a Kristen Wiig character, but that may just be me.

Punk regroups and he leads the PuNexus down the aisle but here comes the GMail. And I pararphrase, “What are the odds of Punk beating Cena 1-on-1 without Nexus?” Um, 50%. That wasn’t too tricky. If any member of PuNexus interferes, they’ll be out of the Rumble. Lawler calls that a game changer, because we all know that Husky Harris was the odds-on favorite to win the entire thing, right? Because anyone can win…aside from about 35 guys in the match itself.

Later tonight, Randy Orton will face Dolph Ziggler.

Commercial.

WWE Tag Team Championship Match: Greek Booze v. Borscht Marinara w/ Snukette

Everyone’s already in the ring, as if by magic. Santino and One Uso start out but Other Uso distracts Marella so that One Uso can dropkick him. Santino gets dropped for two but gets stomped by one of Rikishi’s errant sperm. Other Uso comes in and grabs a resthold, to stop that breakneck pace.

Santino breaks free and makes a tag to Kozlov. That begs the question, if someone crawls to the corner to make a hot tag and no one cheers, is it really hot? Kozlov dumps One Uso but gets caught with a kick by Other Uso. Kozlov gets charged in the corner so he responds with a headbutt. He tags in Santino, who busts out the Cobra for the pin. I need a drink.

Cole points out that they keep winning, which is easy when you keep facing the same team over and over again. Greek Booze pour up the ramp as we fade to…

PuNexus saying that they need to do something about their situation, but as soon as Punk enters they shut their yaps. That’s a nice touch right there. Makes him seem like the most badass guy there who isn’t wearing any pants. He says the word “Faith” and then leaves.

John Morrison is walking at regular speed in the back, but he comes face-to-face with Daniel Bryan, who gets kissed by The Bella Twins. He shrugs his shoulders and then walks off towards a…

Commercial.

We’re back and Just For Men shows us the Sheamus/Morrison match, though I doubt either of them use it on their beards since Morrison is pretty young and Sheamus’s color can’t be recreated by modern science.

The Prince of Artificial Butter John Slo-Mo-Rrison v. Daniel Bryan w/ Interchangeable Bellas

Before Bryan’s entrance, we get a video package recapping John Morrison, you know, in case this is your first episode of RAW.

The Bellas are both wearing Daniel Bryan t-shirts as Cole tries very hard to reestablish that Daniel Bryan is boring, which worked wonders for Lance Storm’s career.

Morrison and Bryan lock-up and we get some armbar trading until Morrison brings Daniel down. Yeah, because John Morrison outwrestling Daniel Bryan is plausible. Wrestling might be fixed but it ain’t that fake. Bryan counters and I guess the WWE is trying hard here to establish that Morrison can hang with Internet darlings.

Morrison gets dropkicked to the outside and as they re-enter, they stare at each other (to a pop), so rather than show the excitement of the match, we go to a…

Commercial.

We’re back and Morrison has a headlock on Bryan. Daniel breaks out but gets caught with a Russian Leg Sweep. John goes for Starship Pain but Bryan moves out of the way and kicks him for two.

Daniel grabs the arm but John gets to his feet. They run the ropes and do the double-belly-bump. How the hell did that spot come back into fashion? John and Daniel trade punches, but Morrison’s are missing wildly. We get some nice near-pin exchanges but Bryan tries to lock in the Patti LaBelle lock. John blocks it and flings Bryan into the turnbuckle before connecting with the Flash Kick and a running knee to the synagogue for the pin.

Lawler calls that a classic, but I guess most of the “classic” moments occurred during the four Subway commercials we sat through.

King-Rib Sheamus is out now and he says that Morrison muss tink a loh oh imself. Sheamus points out that he forced John to raise his game, so he made Morrison. Since he made him, he can destroy him. Yeah, that’s not a legally sound theory. Sheamus promises to conquer turkey nine udder soup-er-stars at the Rumble. He yells about the lengthy lifespan of royalty as John snarls. Must be all the irritation on his face from the self-tanner.

We get a slam of the week, brought to you by the inescapable Subway. It’s highlights of the Lawler/Orton/Miz/Mizfit tag match from last week.

Commercial.

Tonight’s RAW is brought to you by Just For Men & Rent a Center, in case you’re black hairs are only slightly higher than your credit.

Stand Up for the WWE won an award. Sadly, it didn’t win the campaign.

The Bellas are in the back talking about how hot John Morrison is and the reveal is that Daniel Bryan is a virgin and they’re both trying to see who can fuck him first. TV-PG. Yep. I’m just going to assume that by “his first”, they meant his first time with a woman with Chlamydia.

Here comes Vickie Guerrero, and there’s enough heat from her entrance to kill some polar bears. She yells “Excuse me!”, which was quite a twist. She tries to introduce Golf…er..Dolph Ziggler and man do they not like her, which is odd since she seems like the one Diva they might have a shot with.

Dolph is out next and you’d think he’d time his showers better since he always comes out wet. No time to worry about this as I hear voices. That can mean either the meds are wearing off or it’s time for Randy Orton.

Randy Orton w/ Mystic Tan v. Dolph Ziggler w/ Mystic Tan & Vickie Guerrero

They both get in the ring in time for a…

Commercial.

We’re back and they were nice enough to wait for a lock-up until we returned. Dolph backs Randy into the corner but the ref breaks it up. Orton busts out a Thez Press, because the subtle Austin rip-off they were doing wasn’t enough. Randy connects with a clothesline that drops Ziggler, establishing himself as the true Main Event talent in the match. To further that, he busts out his Main Event Stomps.

Randy slingshots Dolph across the bottom rope for two and then synchs in a resthold that Ziggler sells like grim death. Dolph clips Randy’s knee with a dropkick and then tries out his own Main Event Stomps. Guess that’ll give him a leg up. Get it? Leg up? Because it’s…the…uh…um…leg.

Dolph rams Orton’s leg into the ringpost, but Randy then uses the “injured” leg to stomp at him. Randy fires back with punches in the corner until the ref stops him. Dolph connects with a dropkick for two. Yeah, because Orton was going to job to a dropkick.

Ziggler tries for a knee submission but Randy fires back with punches. Both guys get to their feet and trade punches until Orton hits the inverted backbreaker, which is like a jacket you’d get at a thrift store. Dolph tries for a splash out of nowhere in the corner but the pool’s empty. Randy hits some clotheslines and busts out the same scoopslam used by Neil Armstrong on the moon (in other words, it’s vintage).

Randy starts to hear them voices as he sets Ziggler up for the Unnamed Second Rope DDT, but Dolph breaks free and hits him in the knee. Dolph almost gets the pin as Vickie yells for a faster count and we yell for her to put some sleeves on. Yes, she’s lost weight, but come on.

Dolph gets the sleeper hold on Orton and they get in various positions one only sees in a prison shower. Randy finally makes it to the ropes and the ref yanks him off. Dolph goes for the ZigZag and Orton blocks it. Ziggler goes for it again and gets caught with the RKO for the pin.

After the bell, Miz and Mizfit run in (still suited up) and attack Randy. Miz rams Orton into the steel steps, which gets a mild “Jerry” chant. Clearly these fans want them some “Seinfeld.”

The Miz takes apart the announce table but Lawler stands up to him. Mizfit jumps him from behind and Jerry gets sent into the front row. Miz taunts Orton and now the fans chant for “Cena”. Greedy bastards. The Miz lifts up Randy after about an hour of stalling and rams Orton’s back into the steel steps. Bold move to COMPLETELY ignore the injured leg. Mizfit holds Randy back so that The Miz can stomp on him over and over again.

The Miz grabs the microphone and says that he’s The Miz and he’s awesome. Orton responds by lying motionless, making this his best promo in weeks.

Commercial.

Did You Know people at Wal-Mart buy WWE Magazine? That’ll help the company’s image. Most folks buy it cause they like them purty pick-tures.

In the back, PuNexus are being taught about Faith. He says that they must have humility to have faith. You gotta have faith, the faith, the faith. Punk preaches about sanctifying souls and then talks about undead voices and the manbeast (hopefully not Rhyno) and this all relates to loyalty. If it wasn’t for the fact that Punk is Straight Edge, I’d swear he was on something.

Maryse v. Natalya

Melina and Eve are on commentary, so this should be pretty brutal. Natalya goes for the Sharpshooter early but Maryse makes it to the ropes. Maryse drops Natalya’s head to the mat for two and Melina and Eve are sitting quietly. Maryse grabs a chinlock but Natalya powers out. Eve and Melina on commentary sounds like The Delicious Dish. Natalya knocks down Maryse and locks in the Sharpshooter for the mercy killing.

After the match, Maryse yells at Michael Cole and then bitches out Teddy DiBiase. Teddy says that he can win the Royal Rumble match and he can throw anybody over the top rope. Oh please don’t let this be Khali.

Commercial.

The Snickers Shark commercial is every nightmare I’ve ever had all rolled up into one.

We’re back and Ted DiBiase is explaining why no one answered his challenge. Could it be because they went to commercial? Nah.

Here comes Mark Hey-Hey-Henry, which is marginally better than Khali. Henry gets hammered for a second before just splashing Teddy. Mark launches Ted over the top rope and that’ll do it.

The Superstars roster runs out to jump Henry and we have an impromptu Rumble. Sheamus comes in from out of nowhere and starts fake eliminating people in this fake battle royal. Henry finally fake eliminates Sheamus to fake win the fake battle royal.

JBLatino now comes out. Wow, good thing he just happened to be sitting there. His name is Alberto Del Rio, but we were already aware of such a fact. It’s his density to be a champion. Like waiting for a broken GPS to work, that went nowhere.

What Make-A-Wish Kid wasted their wish on meeting Mark Henry?

Commercial.

We’re back with a Derrick Bateman “World’s Strongest Man” cologne commercial. It’s about as funny as it sounds. No, it’s less funny than it sounds.

It’s time for the “By the Numbers” video package. Call me crazy, but I always love those.

Next week it’s Edge/Miz. John Cena is in the back talking to some folks as he walks towards a…

Commercial.

CM Punk w/ PuNexus v. John Cena

As Punk comes down to the ring, Jerry Lawler gives us an anti-gang PSA. Yes, you read that correctly.

John Cena salutes the fans with a look that says, “If I was injured a few weeks ago, this show would be lost without me.” He has very expressive eyes. Speaking of expressive, Punk has some interesting tattoos.

Cena and Punk go face-to-heel…er, face and then trade punches. Those seem to be trading well tonight, despite us being in a recession. John hammers away on him before introducing Punk to the turnbuckle. He connects with a shot to the ribs before whipping Punk into the opposite corner.

John keeps throwing fists and goes for a pin for two. Cena whips Punk to the ropes but Punk counters with a kick that sends John to the outside and into a…

Commercial.

We’re back with Cena’s head between Punk’s legs. Um, yeah. Anyway, Punk’s got a neck-scissor, but John gets the signal that they’re back on television so he gets CM Punk up in position for a chicken fight. Punk breaks free and gets a DDT for two.

CM Punk unleashes some harsh kicks and a dropkick to the back of Cena’s head for two. Punk again gets the neck scissor as he snarls while chewing his gum. John breaks free and tries for the STFU but Punk blocks it.

Cena comes out with the Five Moves of Mediocrity. Punk gets scooped up for the FU but Punk comes back with a spinning heel kick for two. Punk delivers the second rope bulldog for two. He signals for the GTS but Cena counters it into an STFU. Punk crawls towards the ropes and makes it. That was a nice little segment.

The fans chant for Cena as they connect with a horrible looking double-clothesline. Cena goes for the FU but Punk gets to the ropes. He kicks Cena in the head and brings back the top rope springboard clothesline for two. Punk hammers away on Cena but John goes for the FU again but gets reversed. Punk locks in a modified Anaconda Vice. John crawls for the bottom rope but he sells it like death before making it to the rope.

Punk kicks Cena out of the ring onto the mat. There’s a faint “CM Punk” chant, but how hip can the Arkansas crowd be? Punk dives to the outside but gets caught by Cena, who rams him into the post outside. He dumps Punk into the ring but John collapses again on the outside. John climbs to the top rope but Punk catches him on the top rope with some kicks. Punk climbs to the top rope and sets him up for a superplex. John powers back and headbutts Punk to the mat. Cena goes for the Rocker Dropper and gets two.

Some guy runs onto the apron who looks like a cross between Batista and Hugh Jackman. Punk and him stare each other down before Punk does his Crucifix pose. The Not Batista guy kicks Punk in the face for the bell. The guy grabs Cena and drops him with a Rock Bottom.

PuNexus run into the ring to protect Punk but CM holds them back. He and Not Batista lock eyes again for a little too long for comfort and the guy gets down on one knee. What is this, Billy & Chuck revisited? Punk pulls out a Nexus armband and slides it onto his arm. In some states, they’re now officially married.

Punk raises his hand and we end MLK Day with a bunch of people standing in the ring doing the Black Power salute.

This has been for your consideration.