That Being Said: TNA Impact Report for 01.20.2011 – Angle, Jarrett, Flair, Hardy & Another “They”

Welcome to “That Being Said…” I’ll be your server for the evening, ladies and gentlemen. Actually, if you’re watching the company that shouldn’t, by all rights, still be a functioning corporate entity (also known as Total NonStop Action), I’m just willing to bet you’re a gentleman. A gentleman with some alarmingly low standards when it comes to entertainment at that. You might want to get that looked at. Not tonight, though. Tonight we CROSS THE LINE!

 

I’ve been recapping wrestling for a little while now, and I’m pretty stoked to be doing this for Inside Pulse. Before we get into this, though, a couple of my thoughts on the current state of TNA. It’s been JUST over a year since Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Eric Bischoff, Jeff Hardy, Orlando Jordan, and Ken Anderson crossed the line and came to TNA. Along with X-Pac, Val Venis, The Nasty Boys, and that homeless guy that they kept telling us was Scott Hall… but those guys are long gone. Ken Anderson is the TNA World Champion. Jeff Hardy is the former TNA World Champion who is probably going to jail soon, and he’s since brought his brother Fatt… sorry, Matt, with him. Ric Flair and Eric Bischoff are leading a huge heel stable with Hulk Hogan, except that Hulk Hogan can’t be bothered to be on the show despite appearing in multiple advertisements DURING the show. Orlando Jordan is still doing things that I just refuse to type.

 

There are some good and some bad things going on with TNA right now, in typical TNA historical fashion. Ken Anderson having the belt is something I’m pretty mixed about – I didn’t care for Anderson in WWE, and thought he was ridiculously over-rated. That being said, he’s done pretty well in TNA. Speaking of over-rated, Fatt Hardy works here now, so one more albatross in TNA that I get to see instead of AJ Styles and Samoa Joe. Jeff Hardy is no longer the champion, and while I’m not the biggest fan of Jeff Hardy, I thought his title run was the best heel title run they’ve had in a while. Jeff Jarrett continues to take up space on my TV, and there is no excuse for that – BUT I have to admit that this is the perfect way to showcase Jarrett, as a silly bully heel that can’t win a match without help. The storyline between him and Kurt Angle is… just uncomfortable. Not un-entertaining, just uncomfortable. Totally surreal that they’re willing to do this. Only in wrestling.

 

I’m a huge fan of Motor City Machine Guns, AJ Styles, Doug Williams, Desmond Wolfe, Jay Lethal, and Kazarian, so anything that keeps those guys in the ring, I’m a fan of. It seems that most of the stuff TNA does with these guys that actually works is accidental, but I take what I can get. Rob Van Dam seems to have lost his desire to really be what he used to be, but he’s still fun to watch. Team 3D… I have to say I have always been a big fan of D-Von and have always thought these two could have been great singles stars… about 10 years ago. Not now. But they’re certainly working hard on this program. Eric Young, Robbie E, Rob Terry, Kendrick… those guys are all horrible. Matt Morgan… he’s the worst wrestler and talker I’ve seen in a LONG time. I’m glad they finally took him out of the main event, but I don’t get what he was ever doing there to begin with after the last TWO failed attempts to put him there over the years. The answer, of course, is that TNA has no idea what they’re doing.

 

Abyss is all right by me. Beer Money are terrible as singles wrestlers, but depending on who they’re working with they can be a pretty good tag team. Same with Generation ME. The girls in TNA are insane and work their butts off. It’s been a LONG time since I’ve seen any good women’s wrestling, and it’s not like all of it in TNA is good, but a lot of it is. I’m not exactly sure what’s happening with the lesbian Ultimate Warrior ghost that’s stalking the blonde… if memory serves the blonde and the Lesbian Warrior won the Knockout Tag Team Titles (which I ALSO thought was a ghost) despite the blonde actually having a partner that wasn’t Lesbian Warrior. One time a few weeks ago one of the girls tried to choke another girl out with a belt while screaming that she’d kill her. Yeah. Crazy stuff.

 

Samoa Joe and The Pope, though? That’s just hilarious. (Unintentionally.) In case you’ve missed it, The Pope was killed by Abyss. But then he turned out to be fine, completely forgot about the attempted murder, and was all about some charity work. Make sense? Good. At that same PPV, Samoa Joe tapped out to Jeff Jarrett. This fucked him up something severe, so now he has decided that he is also going to completely forget that it happened, and now he’s all about stalking The Pope to make sure that The Pope’s charity work is on the level. Make sense? Good. The whole premise behind the Immortal storyline is that they need a bunch of guys to serve as resistance, so taking these two OUT of that main storyline with NO explanation is… just wow. Immortal was a storyline with a good premise… but its TNA, so of course they couldn’t be consistent about it.

 

I think that’s everything. Anything I didn’t cover, I’ll do as the show goes along.

 

 

“Dirty Laundry”

(Episode titles on a wrestling show are really, really dumb.)

 

They recap Angle / Jarrett. A really sweet car pulls up, and Angle gets out. He walks backstage, and tells Jimmy Hart and some dude to play his terrible music. They do, and he walks out. He says that he wanted to come out before Jarrett and Karen did and he could get out in front of their lies. Kurt says that when he brought Karen into the company, she did great. But when he turned around backstage, she was always talking to Jarrett. He said that Jarrett made it personal when he kept sticking it in his face, a few months ago. He says they’ll never take away his character. (And his ability to lay an insane amount of pipe after leaving his wife.) Then he starts crying… and says that he was a great husband, and an incredible father. People cheer. He says that if he’s guilty of anything, it’s not spending enough time with them.  He says they can go their separate ways and do the right thing for the kids, or that she can provoke him like she’s been doing, and he’ll pull out every skeleton out of her closet that he can.

 

Jarrett’s terrible music hits. The entire Team Jarrett comes out, but they can’t get in the ring because Angle keeps knocking them off the apron. Angle starts screaming for Jarrett to come out. Eric Bischoff’s terrible music hits, and he and Flair come out. Now cops come out? So this is good for an arrest, but attempted Knockout homicide in a trailer isn’t. Got it. Anyway, the cops escort him out, Flair and Bischoff mock him. They film the cops walking him all the way out of the “arena”, and I use that term loosely.

 

Recapping what happened just before the commercial is also really dumb.

 

Jeff Jarrett and Karen walk into the building. Karen says Kurt Angle is going to be exposed in front of all his fans tonight, and that it’s too bad he won’t be there.

 

 

Sarita .vs. Velvet Sky .vs. HARDCORE COUNTRY .vs. Madison Rayne

 

I think Sarita is the one that tried to murder Velvet. People really like Velvet and Mickie. Madison is trying to pretend like she’s Queen Sharmell, and I’m not sure what the deal is with her entrance music, but a buddy of mine heard it and is pretty sure someone tried to unsuccessfully rip off a Goo Goo Dolls song. The announcers are saying that Madison’s glove is loaded. Velvet and Mickie argue over who will start the match, and then they both go after the other to. They brawl on the outside, and Velvet is trying to get revenge for the murder by choking Sarita. There’s a lot of screaming going on. Mickie and Sarita end up in the ring. Mickie pulls off a movie that looks like it hurt her more than Sarita, but then does the HBK kip-up. Then Velvet tags in and tries to kill Sarita. More screaming. So… loud… Madison gets involved and now Sarita in control on Velvet, but not for long.

 

Okay, this is just a cluster. So how about this – everyone beats each other’s ass for a while, then Mickie in control on the top rope. Tara comes in and knocks Mickie out with something. Velvet and Sarita bump heads. Madison has the loaded glove, and knocks down Velvet when Mickie ducks and Sarita also goes down like a sack of bricks despite not being touched. Mickie rolls up Madison for the win.

 

WINNER: HARDCORE COUNTRY

 

Tara and Madison argue, and Tara shoves Sarita for some reason.

 

Robert Roode is exercising. James Storm is lifting beers. They’re complaining about Van Dam and Anderson. Robert Roode doesn’t like that James Storm is lifting beers.

 

Kurt Angle is still backstage, 20 minutes after being escorted out by the cops. I wonder how Orlando’s finest feels about being made to look like complete fucking morons by TNA every week.

 

 

Samoa Joe is talking to someone, an Asian dude with a camcorder who I don’t recognize, telling him that he’s been doing good work, and just needs to keep following “him” around. Asian dude looks happy with this. Taz says this is “Okada”. I don’t know who that is. Am I supposed to?

 

 

Rob Terry (w/ Ric Flair) .vs. Matt Morgan

 

Ric Flair gets on the mic and says that everyone wants to have sex with Rob Terry, then points at 3 girls and says that he would “hurt” all 3 of them at the same time. How the hell would that work? Does Rob Terry have 3… never mind. Flair calls out Morgan. Morgan comes out, and the announcer calls him Rob Terry’s opponent, which means Flair calling him out served no purpose. TNA is retarded. This could be a match that is so bad it breaks the universe.

 

Matt Morgan gives Rob Terry that terrible jumping kick and pins.

 

WINNER: Matt Morgan

 

Uh.. .okay. Morgan stalks Flair, Flair tries to chop him, but Morgan no-sells. Morgan goes all Batista on Flair. Then Abyss comes in and beats down Morgan, until Morgan ducks a charge and hits a terrible spinning clothesline on Abyss, and a terrible sidewalk slam on Terry. Eventually the numbers catch up with Morgan and they beat him down at the same time, until Morgan clotheslines them both. Seriously? Then he yells at Flair, then Terry and Abyss get him from behind AGAIN. Holy shit, enough already. Terry holds Flair down and Abyss hits a splash, and Morgan makes like Yokozuna just dropped on him. Flair kicks him in the dick. Double choke slam by Abyss and Terry.

 

 

Taz and Tenay welcome us to Impact. We’re 36 minutes in already, guys. Wait… I’m only 36 minutes in? Ugh. They talk about an overseas tour. Jeff Hardy was on the tour, and I can’t believe that they didn’t beat the drugged-up sloppy off him.

 

AJ and Kaz are talking. They’re talking too fast… something about Abyss and Bischoff? I don’t get it. Sometimes the production of this show is so terrible. AJ calls Kaz a movie star as Kaz walks up. Then the dude from last week walks up from behind AJ and chokes him out with a wire. Fun for the whole family. This guy repeats what he told Abyss last week about “they” coming and no one in Immortal being safe.

 

Kurt Angle is still backstage. Orlando PD are still morons.

 

 

X-DIVISION TITLE MATCH

Jay Lethal .vs. Kaz

 

Lethal pulls Kaz in the ring. Lethal hits a backdrop, punches, hip-toss, flip kick, Kaz outside. Kaz tries to leave, Lethal stops him. They brawl outside, about to get counted out a few times, but Lethal keeps sliding into the ring to break the count. Nice touch. Tosses Kaz in the ring, springboard dropkick. Kaz with a cheap-shot to get into control, hits a spinning clothesline. What’s with all the spinning moves tonight. Tosses Lethal on the ropes, Lethal does a twisty leapfrog and hits the Tajiri elbow. Kaz tries to bail, doesn’t work, so Lethal hits the Lethal Combo, which is awesome, and kips up. Lethal hits the top rope, takes a lot of time, and hits a flying elbow.

 

Decent match. 1-2… are you serious? Kaz kicks out and slides out of the ring. Lethal goes to try to get him, Kaz is dead-weighting him, at least until he gives Lethal an eye-rake. Lethal tries to leapfrop or something, but Kaz goes down on top of him and grabs the ropes to get a quick cheap pin.

 

WINNER AND STILL X-DIVISION CHAMPION: Kaz

 

The announcers sell that the ref is that rookie that’s made some bad calls.

 

 

Mr. Anderson is talking about having to put the belt on the line against Hardy. RVD complains that they won’t let him anywhere near Hardy. Tommy Dreamer is there, and he says that he has a match with Hardy tonight. They pump each other up.

 

Jeff Jarrett and Karen are walking backstage, apparently they’re up next. Cue uncomfortable feelings.

 

FreeCreditScore.com has the worst, most terrible commercial ever.

 

 

Jeff and Karen Jarrett come out. Taz says that Kurt Angle’s kids are being raised by Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett says that Karen is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. Crowd is chanting “sloppy seconds”. Jarrett says that Karen is a victim of Kurt Angle. Karen grabs the mic and says she had a presentation all lined up, like this was a board meeting or something, but after hearing Angle’s speech, she needs to acknowledge what he said.

 

She says that Jarrett is part-owner of the company, and guess what that makes her. Uh… a lady who’s married to a gyy who part-owns a company that he’s repeatedly bored deep into the liquid hot magma core of the Earth? Then she starts talking about after Kurt won his gold medal, and Kurt comes into the ring and suplexes Jarrett. Then he and Karen have a stare down, and she slaps him. Angle looks like he’s about to go nuts. Someone better be PVR’ing this, and save it for whoever the therapist is who will eventually be assigned to the Angle kids. That therapist has zero chance.

 

Jarrett from behind with a low blow to Angle. Karen starts screaming at him. Jarrett hits Angle with punches, which for some reason Angle is selling like death. Karen is laughing at Kurt. Commentators are dead silent, which is a nice touch. Mad heat for Jeff and Karen. They leave. Angle is down in the ring. For some reason, on the way up the ramp, Karen asks Taz if he liked that. O…kay.

 

After a commercial, Angle is backstage beating up garbage cans and stuff.

 

Well, that was messed up.

 

 

Jeff Hardy .vs. Tommy Dreamer

 

Jeff Hardy is just staggering out now, I wonder how much of that is real and how much he just does to make people dislike him. And… he is lip-synching his own song. Wow. They battle punches back and forth, and Dreamer clotheslines him out of the ring. Clothesline off the apron from Dreamer, who looks tired. Hardy with a wristlock which causes Tommy to fall off the apron onto the floor. They’re saying Tommy’s wrist is still injured. Hardy is very slowly all over Dreamer. He does his terrible dance which gets him crazy boos, which is clever. Dreamer battles back, hits some clotheslines and a back body drop. Hardy elbows and tries for a Whisper, but Dreamer moves. Dreamer to the second rope, but gets kicked in the gut, Hardy goes for the Twist Of Hate, but Dreamer from under with the Dreamer Driver.

 

1, 2… Hardy’s foot gets onto the rope. Dreamer tries to climb through the ropes but Hardy crotches him with the rope and hits a Twist Of Hate for the win. That could have had a better ending.

 

WINNER: Jeff Hardy

 

 

Angle is STILL walking backstage. He has a baseball bat. Hello… the cops… anyone? No? Kay.

 

The Pope is backstage and apparently he just got back from Abu Dhabi and now his computer is dead? I don’t know… now he’s talking to some dude about signing in… to something? I don’t know. Now he wants to use… the guy’s computers to monitor some overseas transactions? The guy is confused. I’m confused too. Pope says he has TNA live events coming up and he needs to make sure limo’s are straight… even though he just said that he wants to do overseas transactions. I’m exhausted of trying to figure out what the hell is going on here. Then the guy’s phone rings, and it’s a HARDCORE COUNTRY RINGTONE. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS. The guy leaves. Pope steals his computer. What the f…

 

… no time to figure that mess out now. Now Flair is talking to AJ about the guy who attacked him. They’re talking too fast, and Flair is yelling at him that THEY’RE “they” and that AJ needs to shut up and that everything is fine. AJ is yelling that he can barely breathe. Flair tells him to relax, so Flair tells him to put his jacket on. AJ does, and ice spills all over him. AJ is mad. Flair is laughing and tells AJ to drink. AJ drinks and then cries out because his throat still hurts… wow, this is terrible. Speaking of multiple Angles, then Kurt Angle comes in and hits AJ with the bat. Then he chokes Flair out and says that Flair better make sure Jarrett shows up later tonight to fight Angle.

 

Impact Chokeout Count: 39

 

Wow. This entire show is just a mess now. I don’t get why the cops don’t pay more attention on what happens in the Impact Zone. They could fill a month’s arrest quota just hanging around the arena. They got all this on tape and everything. From multiple angles! Even MORE angles if you include Samoa Joe’s buddy filming Pope!

 

 

Rob Van Dam & Mr. Anderson .vs. Beer Money

 

Rob Van Dam’s music is the most terrible of all. All it does is repeat his name and then the names of his moves. It’s possibly the worst song ever recorded by humans. After the commercial, RVD is in control and Roode is trying to stop RVD from kicking his ass. It isn’t working. RVD tags Anderson, Roode tags in a very out-of-shape James Storm. Anderson dominates Storm until Storm ducks a clothesline and Roode clotheslines Anderson from the apron. Roode tags in and works over Anderson. Bodyslam and kneedrop by Anderson. Saddlebags comes in, and gives him some punches and chops. Storm to the apron, kicks Anderson in the back of the head. They keep Anderson from tagging in for a while, Anderson eventually hits a clothesline on Roode and runs to the corner to tag RVD.

 

RVD with kicks and punches and a spin kick to storm. Bodydrop to Roode. Jumping side-kick to Storm. Roode grabs him from the outside and Storm hits a backbreaker. They try to double-team but Anderson hits the ring and they clear out Beer Money. Anderson all over Roode on the outside, 5-Star Frog Splash onto Storm. Jeff Hardy is out here arguing with a ref. Fatt Hardy from behind, hits a Twist Of Hate on RVD. Storm pins. Nice little match.

 

WINNERS: Beer Money

 

 

Brian Kendrick is talking to Bully Ray about anger management. They talk a lot of nonsense that’s not worth typing. Basically Kendrick thinks Bully Ray should do yoga and breathing techniques. He demonstrates. Bully Ray shoves him into a locker and the back of Kendrick’s head hits HARD. This segment did not advance this Bully Ray thing. And the comedy value was also very low. Basically it was a waste of time between commercials for Randy Corture’s workout machine. Those commercials are hilarious because of the guy’s New York accent. “YU CAN HANG DIS FROM YO DOOR AND IT WONT MESS UP YO DOOR.”

 

Flair is yelling at Jarrett about how he’s not a part of what’s going on with him and Jarrett. Flair is just going completely apeshit on him. Jarrett says he IS a part of it. Flair says he isn’t. Jarrett says he is. Flair says he isn’t. Bischoff starts to say something but Flair yells at him. Flair says that Bischoff didn’t get choked out tonight so Jarrett needs to finish off Angle. Jarrett says he did finish off Angle. Flair says he didn’t. Nothing is revolved. Flair is yelling A LOT. Bischoff tells them both to chill the F out. Jarrett leaves and tells Flair to calm down.

 

 

D-Von comes out to the ring. He says Bully Ray is pushing people into lockers. He says that they need to finish what they started at Genesis. Ray comes out and tells D-Von to meet him on the ramp. Kendrick comes down and rushes Bully from behind and pushes him in the ring. D-Von starts kicking his ass until Ray gets out a chain, but D-Von stops him before he can use it. D-Von takes the chain, but security stops him from using it. Ray takes down D-Von from behind, then beats up the security guards. I bet he’ll choke him out. Nope, he’s grabbing a chair. Except that he puts D-Von’s neck into it… so I was kinda right. Then he whips him with the chain. Music hits.

 

Angle is walking backstage. Tenay says the explosion is coming. The 4^th one this show. Taz asks us if we’re ready. ARE YOU READY FOR THE FOURTH EXPLOSION?!?!

 

 

The Fourth Explosion

 

Angle is in the ring. Jarrett’s terrible music hits for like the 9^th time this show. The Immortal security guys are psyching him up. Jarrett actually got in his gear for this. Jarrett is trying to get them to go in there with him. Except he doesn’t follow them in, so they rush in and Angle kicks their asses. Then the numbers get to him, and Jarrett joins in. Now all 3 are kicking Angle’s ass. Jarrett eventually misses Angle and Angle takes the opportunity to mess up the security guys some more. He tosses them out of the ring and Angle CHOKES OUT JARRETT. Holy chokeouts Batman!

 

Karen is out there screaming at Kurt, who is still choking Jarrett. Then the entire Immortal stable comes out and starts messing up Angle, including the Hardy’s and AJ. A few people are tending to Jarrett. Abyss is coming down the ramp, to join I guess… and he collapses on the ramp. The barb-wire bat is in his back. Fucking seriously?

 

Now the guy who’s been choking out Immortal. He says “They’re Coming”. Flair yells at him. Angle uses the opening to clear the ring and mess up Flair. The guy on the ramp is smiling. They’re calling the guy on the ramp “Crimson”. Show over.

 

 

Well, it was an interesting show to start with, I’ll give them that. This has been “That Being Said”. See you next time!