Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report: 11.11.11 (Barrett vs Orton)

Shock! Gasp! Awe! Did you see what Friday’s date is?! 11/11/11! I guess we should all stop what we’re doing and marvel at it!

Oh, and the site has a new look, I guess.

Welcome back to the Not-So-Live Smackdown Report. I’m your lovable and oh-so-suave host, Mike Gojira. At least that’s what your sister told me.

The show begins with a video package thanking our veterans and current armed forces.

We’re “live” from Liverpool, England and Randy Orton is heading to the ring to promote his half-assed, thrown-together Survivor Series team. The announcers recap last week’s awesome match between Cody Rhodes and the Viper and I’m already sick of Michael “Double Standard” Cole attacking Orton for bagging Rhodes last week. Orton has a microphone and says he’s not exactly a team player, referencing his stables of the past as examples. He says regardless of all that, he has no problem being a leader. He rips on his opponents (and even says he doesn’t know Hunico) before Wade Barrett interrupts. Barrett says that Orton has a huge problem with him coming up in two weeks. He says people have always gravitated to him as a leader and essentially plays the “I’m a great leader and you can’t be trusted” card. Out comes Christian to compare Orton and his team to Yoko Ono and the Beatles (look up the importance of that metaphor, kiddies). He says that Teddy Long asked Christian to be the leader of his team, but cites his “neck injury” thanks to the Big Show as the reason why he deferred to Barrett. The heels attack Orton but Sheamus makes the save. Sheamus takes Christian’s neck brace and Teddy Long makes a joke saying that the only thing wrong with Christian’s neck and back is that he’s spineless (clever, actually). He makes two matches for tonight: Randy Orton vs Wade Barrett and Christian vs Sheamus, which is up next.

While I was watching the promos, a woman called me and asked me if my name was Pam after clearly hearing my male voice. I should have said yes.

Sheamus vs Christian
We’re back and Sheamus is in control, pounding on Christian with knees in the corner. He hits his signature clubbing blows already and that leads me to assume this will be a quick match. After two whips into the corner, Sheamus finishes things with a gorilla press slam. Christian tries to take a breather and an attempt from Sheamus to suplex Christian out of the ring is countered. The counter is countered with a shoulder tackle back into the ring. Christian heads to the outside and suckers Sheamus into the post. He tries to take advantage back in the ring and sends Sheamus to the outside. Christian tries to follow it up with a cross body but Sheamus catches him and sends him crashing into the barricade with a fall away slam. This leads to a commercial.

Remember when I said last week that I was teaching a Saturday class? Not one brat showed up last week. Easiest three hours worth of money I’ve ever made.

We’re back with Christian in control in the center of the ring. He does his totally retarded “drape you in the ropes, flip out of the ring, and slap you in the face” move. He attempts a missile drop kick from the top rope but catches a forearm in the gut. Sheamus clubs the holy hell out of Christian in the corner, but he fights out of it and tries to leap off the turnbuckle but it’s reversed into the Irish Curse back breaker. Every one of Christian’s attempts to regain control is thwarted but he finally manages to drop Sheamus to the mat. He climbs high again but Sheamus follows. Tornado DDT from Christian! Two count only as Sheamus kicks out. Sheamus flips out of the corner to the top rope (most impressive) and nails Christian with another shoulder block. Brogue Kick is countered into a Killswitch which is countered into a back suplex which is countered into an attempted Spear which is ITSELF countered into a Celtic Cross. That ends it.

I don’t understand why Christian can never pick up a victory against Sheamus. This rivalry is more one-sided than Orton vs Christian was. The match itself was pretty standard, but I’m getting tired of seeing Sheamus win EVERY encounter.

A replay of last week’s poor excuse to cash in Daniel Bryan’s Money in the Bank. I’m assuming this means we have to deal with another DB squash match. Kaitlyn and AJ are backstage with DB and Kaitlyn exclaims, “Oh, you were so good last week,” which I assume she meant the match but the jokes write themselves, people. Mark Henry interrupts and tells DB that he’s crazy for thinking it would be that easy to win the title. He says it took him 15 years to do what DB thinks he’ll do at Wrestlemania. Sure enough, there’s a rematch tonight.

We get a promo video showing us two sides to Ezekiel Jackson, like a Jekyll and Hyde complex. In the ring he’s a badass, outside yada yada yada. You get the gist. No one cares. This segues into another Aksana/Teddy Long segment. They talk about wrestling and sex as a double entendre before Alicia Fox shows up and Aksana calls her Rhianna. See, because she’s black.

So this Saturday, the number of students that showed up increased from zero to one. We’re getting there, I assure you.

Ted DiBiase vs Jinder Mahal
Jinder gets the jobber entrance as DiBiase skips to the ring like a stereotypical smiling babyface. DiBiase officially calls his tailgate party the “DiBiase Posse.” Are you serious, bro? Ted wins in 30 seconds. I don’t think I like this face turn, mostly because he comes across as wooden and fake. There’s just no personality in his performance.

I can’t wait to head to MSG next Sunday. The card is hit-or-miss, but it’ll still be good to see The Rock live again.

Mark Henry vs Daniel Bryan
Cole flubs his line thanking Flo “Ridda” for the theme of Survivor Series as we come back to Mark Henry heading to the ring. DB heads to the ring with a remixed “Flight of the Valkyries.” It’s better than the generic tune he’s been carrying around lately, though I think the WWE should spend the dough for “Final Countdown.” Henry pounds the shit out of DB and sends him to the outside, squashing DB’s head against the ring steps. Henry sends him back into the ring and throws him onto the top rope. DB counters with a nice drop kick that takes Henry down! A series of kicks followed by a Lebelle Lock! Henry is too strong as he overpowers DB. Headbutts to DB in the corner as Henry destroys DB. There’s no point recapping this any further. World’s Strongest Slam mercifully ends this. The fans boo, but I think they’re booing the booking direction of DB’s career rather than Henry’s win. Mark grabs a steel chair but DB fights back! He clobbers Henry in the back with the chair to no effect and Henry drops him again. And again. Time for the Hall of Pain but the Big Show lumbers out for the save. DB takes a chair shot to the back but Big Show punches the weapon out of Henry’s hand as the champion backs down in disbelief. Big Show calls Henry a bully and invites him to watch his upcoming match if he wants to see something impressive.

Watch American Horror Story; it’s awesome.

Big Show vs Three Jobbers
Which side is truly handicapped here? You know how this goes. When a Smackdown non-spoiler preview lists “Big Show in Action” as a segment, you know what you’re getting. Mark Henry was watching at the top of the ramp and is not impressed. Color me surprised. Promo for Wrestlemania ticket sales follows.

Ever have one of those endless sneezing fits? That’s happening right now.

Tamina w/ Rosa Mendes vs Alicia Fox w/ Aksana
Natalya is on commentary for this one. I don’t see the appeal in Alicia Fox as a face. She’s needs a lot of work in the ring, but then again so does most of the division. We get some ugly drop kicks from Alicia and a horrendous flipping leg drop where I swear her ass cheek flattened Tamina’s face. That ends it.

Footage of Sheamus presenting at the European MTV VMAs segues into Matt Striker interviewing Sheamus. He asks if Sheamus has a hot temper and shows footage from the backstage brawl with Barrett from last week. Sheamus says he’s all about having a good time and has no temper; he calls it “spirited.”

Hunico, Epico, and Primo head to the ring to a generic Hispanic theme and it looks like Los Boricuas 2.0 are in action next!

Still sneezing.

Hunico and Epico w/ Primo vs The Usos
I gotta hand it to the Usos for their spirited war cry entrance, but I don’t like their chances tonight. Uso One makes short work of Epico but a blind tag from Hunico cuts that short. Epico gets tagged back in and the Usos are in trouble. Another quick tag and Hunico maintains control. Uso Two gets tagged in for the hot tag. A distraction from Primo allows Hunico to hit a Senton Bomb for the win. After the match, Epico and Primo take out the other Uso with a combination Codebreaker and Backstabber which is followed by another Hunico Senton Bomb.

Hmmm…just like last week, we get a great opener followed by mediocrity. Can Barrett/Orton send us home happy?

Wade Barrett vs Randy Orton
I just noticed an awesome Botchamania sign in the crowd. Sorry to disappoint that fan, but Sin Cara wasn’t on the European tour. We start with a lock up and Barrett cheap shots Orton in the corner. Orton fights back with a drop kick and a head lock. Barrett gets to his feet and Orton nails Wade with a series of punches followed by a high knee to the face. On a side note, having not seen Cody Rhodes as of yet, I assume he’ll interfere. Barrett regains the offensive as Orton escapes to the outside. Randy tries to whip Barrett into the steps but Wade climbs over them and returns the favor, sending Orton’s knee into the steel. This leads to our last commercial break.

Bacon makes everything taste better. Even bacon.

We return to find Orton trapped in a choke hold, but he fights out of it. Wade drops Randy again and chokes him on the second rope. With Orton trapped, Barrett nails Randy with knees and a big boot that drops Orton outside the ring. Barrett rams Orton back-first into the apron and tries to pin him back in the ring to no effect. Back to another rest hold as Wade has been in control for most of the match. Barrett climbs to the rope but Randy meets him with a huge superplex! Randy is in total control and goes for the RKO but gets pushed into the ref. Thumb to Orton’s eye and a roll up gives Barrett the upset victory! The show ends literally right after that.

Not bad this week. Once again the middle ground lowered my expectations but the opening match and main event made this watchable.

That’s all from me. Check out Kelly Floyd’s Top Ten Smackdown Thoughts and this week’s edition of The Stomping Ground.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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