Wrestlemania feels like a century ago. A lot of the matches stay the same, except Cena has moved on to another nostalgic piece of history. While most of our writers put some serious thought into it, Matthew Michaels will be taking a different approach. Matthew will choose whichever wrestler’s name comes first in the alphabet. Genius! Are you ready? Here we go.
The Miz (c) vs Santino Marella
Pre-show YouTube match for United States Championship
Rhett Davis: Well this is a weird addition. Why are we having this match as the advertised pre-show match? For Extreme Rules? My only guess is that Miz is going to get fed up and destroy Santino leading to a DQ finish and then move into a more meaningful feud.
Winner (by DQ): Santino Marella
Steven Gepp: Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Who would’ve thought that Santino, at the height of his popularity, would be forced to face the Miz in an Internet match? Mind you, I don’t care about either guy, so who cares?
Winner: Santino, because Miz’s burial must continue!
Mike Gojira: So The Miz’s reward for putting Johnny Ace in charge is a match on a pre-show with absolutely zero build? I don’t really care about this one bit, and the company hasn’t given me any reason to. I guess Miz will win so the company can shout, ‘Hey, look at what could happen live on Youtube!”
Winner and NEW Champion: The Miz
Kelly Floyd: I’m still not sure I fully understand the point of this. It’s essentially a dark match…online…for the title…with Santino? But they love that faux-Italian bastard, so…
M.C. Brown: Actually Miz still seems stale and Santino fresh, even though at first glance looks like a Miz win. But of course he’s been there and done that.
Winner: Santino Marella
Matthew Michaels: The Miz
Nikki Bella (c) vs Beth Phoenix
Rhett Davis: Well if Beth is legit injured then why have this rematch? Why not just let the Bella fight against Kelly or Alicia and then have Kharma destroy them both? Who knows. Maybe Kharma will just destroy all three sending the Bellas to the Land of Future Endeavors and Beth to the IR.
Steven Gepp: Twin magic, Beth injured, Kharma’s lurking somewhere… who cares?
Winner: One of the interchangeable Bellas, because heaven forbid the better wrestler and physically stronger person should go over
Mike Gojira: I expect Beth to “further injure” her ankle so she can disappear for a while and let Kharma destroy everyone in her path for a few months.
Winner: Nikki Bella
Kelly Floyd: I’ve actually gotten on board the whole Bella thing in the last year, because those girls really do seem to try hard, and it is definitely paying off. They don’t make me cringe while I watch them…well, until I see their outfits or that damn “switch-a-roo” nonsense. However, seeing the complete mistreatment of people like Beth Phoenix as champions kills me. Once again, the Divas played musical chairs to determine the next champion, and Nikki found the final seat. Oh well. I’m curious to see what they do, if anything at all.
Winner: Bella #1
M.C. Brown: Is this a match to convince the Bellas to stay? Even if you are selling a phony injury it has to be sold to prolong the feud. Still waiting for Beth vs. Karma.
Winner: Nikki Bella
Matthew Michaels: Nikki Bella
Big Show (c) vs Cody Rhodes
Rhett Davis: This really is lose-lose for me. I want Cody to move on, but with a loss to the Big Show isn’t the way to move on and Big Show certainly doesn’t need the I-C title now. So let’s be hopeful and say Big Show wins and then Cody snaps and destroys Big Show by smashing him through a table or on the steel steps.
Winner (and STILL I-C Champ): The Big Show
Steven Gepp: While I appreciate the effort to give the IC title some sort of status, these two don’t seem to have great chemistry in the ring. Outside the ring, sure, but once they start wrestling it feels flat. Let’s hope for something better.
Winner: Cody Rhodes, because nothing restores prestige to a title like lots of title changes
Mike Gojira: Get the belt off of Show. Now. I don’t care how. Let Cody run with it again and give him an opponent young enough and hungry enough to deserve it. Unfortunately, there are so few wrestlers on the blue show with that kind of credibility.
Winner and NEW Champion: Cody Rhodes
Kelly Floyd: My reverence for Cody Rhodes has always been obvious, dating back to his stint in Legacy. But I cannot summon the fucks to give about this match. I hate Big Show. The only time I felt anything less was when he was involved in JeriShow, and come on, that was mainly because of Chris. He’s a big, strong dude that moves considerably well for his size and better than most others (cough…Mark Henry…cough), but he bores me. And they try to make him seem like more than he is, which is just rude. Because of this, I think I know who will come up victorious.
Winner: Big Show
M.C. Brown: Show should lose this back to Cody. Prolly won’t happen, but it should.
Winner(and new champion): Cody Rhodes
Matthew Michaels: Big Show
Kane vs Randy Orton
Falls Count Anywhere Match
Rhett Davis: Still feuding? Jeez. Okay well Kane won last time so let’s go with Orton who is rumored to fight Lesnar at SummerSlam so some legitimacy is needed.
Winner: Randy Orton
Steven Gepp: At least these two are fighting one another so it’s only one match I can ignore, not two.
Winner: Randy, because, well, just because, okay?
Mike Gojira: Randy wins the rubber match. Kane goes on to randomly abuse some poor shmuck.
Winner: Randy Orton
Kelly Floyd: This is still happening?
Winner: When in doubt, Randy Orton
M.C. Brown: Revenge match for Orton maybe a spectacular RKO off the stage.
Matthew Michaels: Kane
Brock Lesnar vs John Cena
Extreme Rules Match
Rhett Davis: Another match we thought we’d never see so soon? It’s crazy but this definitely is the biggest draw of this card and should bring some good numbers for this PPV. Anyways, everyone and their grandmothers have discussed this so I’ll just keep it short. F-5! F-5! It’s Vintage Brock Lesnar!
Winner: Brock Lesnar
Steven Gepp: After the build-up for Rock/Cena, this seems rather rushed. But, oh well, who cares. Should be an entertaining, if not a throwaway match.
Winner: Brock, because people must think Cena can lose all the time and isn’t superman.
Mike Gojira: If you’ve read ANY of my work over the past three weeks, you’ll know what I’m expecting here. Lesnar dominates, Cena mounts a comeback, screwjob finish. Brock is NOT jobbing in his first match back.
Winner: Brock Lesnar
Kelly Floyd: Well, at least Brock is actually doing something, as opposed to Cena’s last feud. I haven’t been paying too close attention to these guys because, let’s face it, I don’t care. But I agree with Goji. Brock won’t lose this one. I’d love to see a powerful, demolishing finish.
M.C. Brown: I think the expected would be that Brock destroys Cena. I think Brock will do just that, but will do so in a way where the decision gets reversed and Brock gets suspended for a brief time.
Winner(reverse decision): John Cena
Matthew Michaels: John Cena
CM Punk (c) vs Chris Jericho
Chicago Street Fight for WWE Championship
Rhett Davis: A Chicago Street Fight? I think Ralph Hardin and I should have a Little Rock Street Fight. Anyways not sure how Chicago is going to come in, but since it’s his home town and this feud really needs an end, I’ll say Punk comes up with the win to retain.
Winner (and STILL WWE Champ): CM Punk
Steven Gepp: Should be match of the night if given enough time, and the extraneous silliness is kept to a minimum. I have a feeling an alcohol bottle will get involved, and maybe Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Winner: Chris Jericho, because the money’s in the chase
Mike Gojira: If the WWE intends to get more mileage out of Chris Jericho and keep Lesnar as far away from the title until necessary, the only way I see that happening is by having Jericho defeat Punk in Chicago for the gold. Punk’s had a lengthy run, and a loss here as well as the resulting chase will be good for business. plus, a Chris Jericho title run is always a good idea.
Winner and NEW WWE Champion: Chris Jericho
Kelly Floyd: I started to think that Jericho doesn’t really need to hold a belt, but…let’s face it, neither does Punk, really. Jericho seems to have had held the power over the last few weeks, and the PPV is in Punk’s hometown, but WWE loves to crush hearts like a recently scorned hot girl with big tits.
Winner: (please, oh please, oh please, oh please…) Chris Jericho
M.C. Brown: Punk won’t keep winning in his hometown. This assures a loss here under controversial standards.
Winner(and new Champion): Chris Jericho
Matthew Michaels: Chris Jericho
Sheamus (c) vs Daniel Bryan
2 out of 3 Falls Match for World Heavyweight Championship
Rhett Davis: Maybe the WWE has learned that Bryan is much more over than Sheamus. Not. Sheamus will win this match after AJ costs him yet another match-up. Although the first two falls should be interesting as long as they are longer than 18 seconds.
Winner (and STILL World Champ): Sheamus
Steven Gepp: In, pin.
Winner: Sheamus in 3.001 seconds, because it worked so well last time
Mike Gojira: With the WWE apparently intent on pushing Bryan out of the title scene so his fanbase doesn’t boo the shit out of whomever he’s facing, Sheamus is going to win here and move on to face del Rio and Christian in the coming months. I expect a tease of the 18 second-match from Wrestlemania as well as an AJ run-in.
Kelly Floyd: It’s obvious that WWE wants to make Sheamus work as a top star. They hand-selected him and transformed him into what we see now, especially with such a quick victory. I think they’re going to take this one as far as it can go, and knowing how they roll, about twenty feet further.
M.C. Brown: I’d love to see Daniel Bryan come out of this with the belt, but this is for him to get one fall and maybe AJ cost him the final one(again).
Matthew Michaels: Daniel Bryan