A self-absorbed smark takes on another round of LIVE Impact Wrestling. Can the Impact Summer Bash provide the wrestling public with a solid two hours? Will Mister Anderson dethrone Bobby Roode? More importantly, can AJ Styles withstand the righteous rage of SURGE?
Grab your red wine and popcorn, it’s time for IMPACT. I feel that Spike TV is trying to make Impact look better by comparison with the crap they put on right before it- this eviction show is horrible!
It looks like they’re throwing James Storm back at the belt. So much for the UNDEFEATED CRIMSON.
LIVE from Orlando, Florida. The Bound For Glory series is back, Anderson faces Roode, but we’re starting out with Ultimate X!
Ultimate X, Chris Sabin vs. Zema Ioa vs. Austin Aries
Yeah buddy! Aries has upgraded from a silly to an absurd cape. The crowd is quiet to start, Ion getting double-teamed. Sabin and Aries put together a beautiful sequence, but Ion returns to hit a facebuster of sorts.
I don’t know how you recap people moving at pace, Sabin takes out Ion with a tornado DDT and goes for the belt. It’s the usual “2 men fight, 1 man sits on the outside” triple threat. Aries stops Sabin, ruins him into the ringposts, then gets an airplane spin! Nice.
Aries even sells that he’s too dizzy to go up top, good touch. Aries winds up backdropping Sabin into Ion on the outside, then hits a suicide dive on both. This is a good, fast-paced way to start the show. Ion pulls down Aries. they wrassle it out mid-ring… Ion up, fighting on the top.
Sabin might have tweaked his knee earlier, he hasn’t done much. HAHAHAHA Aries basically pushes Ion all the way down the steel pole. What a dick! Aries hits a sick hurricarrana and follows it up with a brainbuster. I can see why the internet has a boner for this man, he is fantastic. Aries climbs and retains the belt. Good match, but I think Sabin might have legit injured himself there.
Aries, victorious, celebrates his year in TNA. He’s about more than the X Division belt, he’s taking it all. This brings out the ancient Hogan, who stares confusedly at Aries.
Commercial break.
It doesn’t feel the same trying to buy TNA merchandise without Don West yelling at me.
Hogan acknowledges the crowd’s love for Aries. “I’m not deaf!” Don’t get so defensive about it, old man. Hogan knows what it’s like to be the main event and puts the smaller man over. He offers to put Aries in a match for the world title..but only if he gives up the X Division title. TNA logically building towards the next pay-per-view! I’ll be damned.
Now we see a heroic montage of the PPV. Sting is going to be the first man in the TNA Hall of Fame. Joseph Park is enjoying a catered lunch when Bully Ray cuts him off. “WHERE IS YOUR BROTHA?!” The feud continues.
TV Title- Hernandez vs. Devon
Where did Hernandez come from? Look at this, we’ve got title matches in the first 30 minutes! This is beginning to eerily resemble a wrestling show. Hernandez KILLS Devon with a dive over the top and almost gets the pin off that alone.
Devon cannot get anything going against the large Hispanic, getting caught in a bearhug. He finally escapes and hits a spear. He makes the comeback, going through what must be the African-American version of Cena’s 5 moves. Hernandez survives the onslaught and gets a 2-count off a shoulder block.
Hernandez wobbles on the top but finally gets Devon. After all that, Devon spinebusters him for the pin. A good power match, didn’t have any dull spots. Before we can even watch Brother Devon celebrate, we get more footage of Daniels being a dick to Dixie last week.
AJ isn’t down with plowing the boss anymore. It seems like TNA has streamlined the show a little bit, but it’s actually been solid so far.
Commercial break. Don’t lie to me Gatorade, there are never that many people there to watch women’s soccer.
Bound for Glory Series Gauntlet Match
We start with AJ Styles and Jeff Hardy. So apparently it’s all the participants in the series in a battle royal. Tenay, you’re right- it is a good way to establish everyone. RVD stumbles with purpose down the ramp and it’s 1999 all over again!
Commercial break.
We return to Bully Ray making his entrance (Magnus having entered during the commercial break) He takes his sweet-ass ytime coming down, then cleans house. Kurt Angle is the next man out, and you know what happens next. German suplexes for everyone, a fist fight with Bully Ray. Angle’s so intense he’s bleeding already.
They brawl to no real effect until THE POPE comes back! Hell yes. Ray eliminates Hardy and he’s dominating this. Abyss crawls out from under the ring, pulling Bully Ray out at his moment of triumph.
Commercial break. Show me the CARFAX.
We are back…Robbie E’s in the match. Van Dam is eliminated, I didn’t see by who. Daniels is next out..I wouldn’t mind seeing that bald bastard win one. AJ is all over the man, until he accidentally hits Angle, allowing Daniels to dump AJ and then Angle.
Samoa Joe is out and he is pissed. He disposes of Robbie E without incident. Daniels goes after Joe, but his partner Magnus rescues him. The former tag champs have it out (is TNA done with that now?) , with Joe getting the better of it. Magnus is eliminated.
James Storm is next and he’s not wearing a shirt! Must be drinking that Miller 64. He tosses the Pope and hits the codebreaker on Daniels. Daniels is gone and it’s down to Joe vs. Storm. It’s back and forth, Storm skins the cat (what the fuck does that even mean?) but gets chocked out. Storm hits a stunner to break the hold and a superkick, eliminating Joe. The Cowboy wins it.
There were points when it dragged, but for the most part a good battle royal and I liked the finish.
According to Storm, it was his daughter who encouraged him to go back . He’s back to win the belt.
Bobby Roode is cranky backstage. He’s got bigger fish to fry, in the form of an ASSHOLE. Not the best part of the fish.
My internet is taking a dump, stand by..
