Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 7.27.12 (Bryan vs del Rio vs Kane vs Mysterio)

“Here I go again on my own.” Ah, Whitesnake.

Kelly won’t be joining us as a result of her moving into a new home this weekend. I suggested Bellevue, but she insisted it simply be another house in a new neighborhood. She’ll be back next week, provided her Internet is up and running by then.

Given the piss-poor conditions of her previous WiFi, I give her two weeks, tops.

On the heels of Raw 1,000, can Smackdown deliver the goods?

Well, it’s not even given any respect as we starts things off with a recap of last Monday’s showcase. If ANYONE still thought that the two shows were being run separately and treated with equal respect, this should COMPLETELY erase that notion. Otherwise…get your heads out of your asses, people. The montage was great (as most video packages the WWE team put together tend to be) and took up about three minutes of the show’s opening. We’re told that there will be a Fatal Four Way tonight to decide the number one contender for the World Heavyweight Championship involving Alberto del Rio, Kane, Daniel Bryan, and Rey Mysterio.

Intercontinental Championship: The Miz vs Christian

The Miz hits the ring to smugly talk about how he will bring prestige back to blah blah blah. Didn’t Cody Rhodes have this gimmick? Miz thanks Christian’s Peeps for voting for Christian to defend his title on Monday: “You Tweeted, you Touted, you Facebooked.” Is that a verb now? Christian interrupts and says he’s going to invoke his rematch clause right now. They’re pushing him right out of the title picture real quick, eh? Christian traps Miz in a headlock and gets forced into the corner. Miz gets in some cheap shots but Christian rallies back with a whip into the ropes and back body drop. Miz takes control and tries to suplex Christian out of the ring, but Christian counters, slides out of the ring, pulls Miz’s legs out from under him, gets back in the ring, and hits a baseball slide. That was long-winded. Miz regains his composure enough to send Christian into the turnbuckle and nail his running clothesline, followed by a flying axehandle to the back for two. Christian changes the momentum and sends Miz to the outside apron but gets catapulted to the outside (or rather, he catapulted HIMSELF over the ropes…that wasn’t done well)! And that’s our commercial cue.

Not a bad start to the evening. Other than that horrible looking toss over the top rope.

We’re back with The Miz stomping away on Christian in the middle of the ring, ending with a running boot that gets two. The crowd gets behind Christian for the obligatory comeback with a sunset flip into a pin for two. Miz still has more resolve and charges at Christian in the corner, who puts his boots in Miz’s face! Christian climbs but Miz stops him. They trade blows but a superplex attempt by Miz is stopped and he gets tossed to the mat. Christian goes for the Frog Splash but Miz gets his knees up! He rolls Christian up but kicks out at two. Miz talks smack to Christian in the corner but gets slapped away and nailed with a missile drop kick off the top rope! Both men are down as the fans chant for Captain Charisma.Christian gets the better of his opponent with a cross body off the top for two! Reverse DDT gets a two! Miz attempts a neckbreaker but Christian turns it into a crucifix pin as they trade two-counts! Miz counters a Killswitch and hits his low impact DDT for two. Miz climbs the turnbuckle but gets pulled off and Christian calls for the Spear….but Miz ducks out of the ring. Christian chases him back into the ring and eats a boot as both men counter each other’s finishers until Miz hits a thumb to the eye, rolls Christian up, and wins by pulling on Christian’s tights!

This was a good opener and I’m guessing from the finish that Christian’s not done making The Miz look good.

Ryback vs Jinder Mahal
What do people see in Jinder Mahal? No, that wasn’t a typo. I really meant Mahal. Ryback stymies Jinder’s early offense with a running boot and fall away slam, but Mahal fires back with a knee to the temple and knocks the big man down! Mahal continues his attack with knees to the back and applies the Camel Clutch, but Ryback escapes and delivers a Spinebuster! Mahal ducks a clothesline and escapes the ring…for a count out.

Is this for the smarks who know that the locker room is not keen on working with the ultra-stiff Ryback? That’s twice now a “name” abandoned a match with the man…and by “name,” I mean C-lister.

We return with a recap of the main event from Monday night. If you haven’t seen it or heard about it, why are you reading a recap of Smackdown? For my thoughts on the situation, click here. Ugh. Then we get some more Tout videos.

Sheamus delivers a wedding gift to Daniel Bryan backstage and says he was hoping it would be good for his wedding night, but….you know. Daniel opens the gift and it’s a book entitled, “How to Last More Than 18 Seconds” with a picture of Sheamus nailing Bryan with the Brogue Kick from Wrestlemania!

Now THAT was funny.

Sheamus vs Cody Rhodes
Where the hell has Cody been? Michael Cole says that guys like The Miz, Sheamus, and Cody Rhodes will keep the WWE on the map for years to come…and I KNOW Blair Douglas is laughing hysterically in his ice cave somewhere in Canada. Sheamus overpowers Cody early on. Backbreaker from the Great White gets two. Sheamus goes for the clubbing assault in the ropes but Cody escapes…only to get chased back in the ring to get the attack anyway. Sheamus tries for a suplex to the outside but Rhodes lands on the apron, running Sheamus’s shoulder into the turnbuckle and he plummets to the floor. Sheamus gets back into the ring by a count of 9, but there’s blood in the water as Dolph Ziggler makes an appearance, teasing a cash-in, which sends us to commercial.

If they keep teasing these cash-ins so often, I can only assume Ziggler will be champ by the close of Summerslam.

We return with Cody attacking the injured arm of Sheamus, but the big man no-sells it and hits some running axehandles. Cody still has more energy and recovers, applying a full nelson to Sheamus, but the champ escapes. Rhodes stops any and all attempts for the champion to regain his footing until Cody fails to hit a top rope moonsault! Sheamus goes for White Noise but Cody escapes and tosses Sheamus out of the ring. The champ goes up top but Cody pulls him down and nails the Beautiful Disaster for two! Booker T says he knows what that feels like and Cole asks if that’s what happened to his commentary (HA!). Nice little zinger there, Cole. A second kick is avoided and turned into White Noise, followed by a Brogue Kick for the ol’ one-two-three. Sheamus dares Ziggler to cash in and it looks like the heel is taking the bait! Ziggler second-guesses his decision and backs away, but Chris Jericho makes an appearance and tosses Ziggler into the ring to eat a Brogue Kick! Y2J picks up the scraps with a Codebreaker!

I think it’s rather obvious we’re getting a Ziggler/Jericho match at Summerslam. It’s the one match of the show I’m actually looking forward to (so far). Hey, wouldn’t it be awesome if Sheamus defended his title first, then Ziggler cashed in, and his match with Jericho became a title match later in the night? Just a thought. They’ll probably put the WHC match AFTER Ziggler/Jericho to tease another run-in.

Antonio Cesaro w/ Aksana vs Santino Marella

Here’s another guy who disappeared from TV for a while. Santino tosses Cesaro to the mat in an impressive show of strength and Antonio responds with a cheap shot after a “Look over there!” spot. Santino rallies back with a series of punches and a call for the Cobra, but Aksana gets on the apron for a distraction. It doesn’t work as Santino avoids a cheap shot and continues the offensive. Cesaro dodges the Cobra Strike, guillotines Santino on the ropes, and hits his finisher for the win.

Okay, it’s time I get this off my chest. Zack Ryder did everything he could just to get himself noticed and earn a United States Championship match. He then loses the title while kayfabe injured and never got his rematch. That’s fine; it’s a dumb storyline but I understand it somewhat. However, to have the company take the belt off one comedy wrestler only to put it on another, that being Santino, and NOT defend it is absolutely heinous. What’s the difference between Santino and Ryder? If Marella isn’t going to defend his title, then there was no reason to take it off Ryder in the first place. And no, I’m not spouting off because I’m a Ryder fan. I’m angry because that title is being wasted for absolutely no reason.

Damien Sandow vs Yoshi Tatsu
Time for Sandow to get his heat back by defeating a guy who has no future in the company. Bravo.

After the match, he calls himself our martyr for sacrificing himself to DX on Monday. He ends his diatribe with his catchphrase, “You’re welcome,” which will hopefully catch on with the audience so I can make fun of all the uneducated idiots who make signs that say “Your welcome.” It’s “You’re,” as in “You are.” Morons.

Back from break with a recap of the Lesnar/Triple H promo from Raw 1,000. We get some more Touts. Joy.

I love how the WWE uses “controlled” social media. Go ahead and Tout them about the direction of characters and storylines and see if it airs. I guarantee your “15 seconds of fame” (how is that not trademarked yet?) will only happen if you mark out.

Fatal Four Way: Rey Mysterio vs Kane vs Alberto del Rio vs Daniel Bryan
Once again, the winner of this match gets a title shot against Sheamus at Summerslam. Rey’s wearing a simple silver and black outfit with a giant question mark on his chest, no doubt an inside joke questioning whether or not he’ll get a real push. The ring is cleared as Daniel Bryan pairs off with Rey and Kane faces del Rio on the outside. Bryan kicks away at Mysterio and tries for a power bomb, but Rey counters with a drop toe hold into the ropes for a 619 tease that’s interrupted by del Rio. Kane follows suit and lays waste to everyone. He whips Bryan into del Rio in the corner and nails both with a sandwiching clothesline. Kane goes for a double choke slam on Rey and Bryan, but they counter and attempt to double suplex the Big Red Machine….only to get suplexed themselves! Time for ou final commercial break.

Two good, lengthy matches tonight, with another that looks to be just as good. Smackdown is doing all right this week. Hopefully the WWE doesn’t ruin it by giving us another del Rio win. I like the guy, but his series with Sheamus has been a bust so far. Please don’t put del Rio over tonight!

We return with Rey trying to get back into the ring, but Kane boots him right back to the floor! Del Rio aggressively attacks Bryan in the corner but DB reverses an Irish whip and kicks the ever-living shit out of Alberto. He takes too long for his running missile drop kick to connect and del Rio locks in the Cross Arm Breaker on Bryan! Rey breaks the hold with a flying leg drop off the top rope! Alberto is down in the corner, so Rey baseball slides him in his cajones. Kane re-enters the ring and abuses Mysterio. Rey reverses a power slam into a sloppy DDT and leaps onto Kane for a Hurracanrana, but Kane catches him and del Rio runs back in with a drop kick to Rey’s face as he hangs upside down! Ouch! Kane tries to choke slam del Rio but gets an Enziguri! DB breaks up a pin attempt and kicks away at Alberto again. Del Rio ducks the last kick and rolls Bryan up, but it’s reversed into the Yes Lock! Del Rio is about to tap out but Kane actually holds Alberto’s arm up so he can’t! Kane dodges a Cross Arm Breaker and choke slams del Rio! Pin attempt is broken up by Mysterio! Bryan takes Kane out of the equation on the outside and Mysterio nearly kicks Alberto’s head off! Del Rio kicks out at two! Mysterio calls for the 619 but DB interrupts, so BOTH heels eat the area code! Rey hits his top rope belly flop onto Bryan, but Ricardo breaks up the pin so del Rio can steal the win!

That was a lot of fun for a Fatal Four Way, with a couple of really cool spots thrown in. But del Rio again? Really? It’s Summerslam! No fresh match-ups like Rey Mysterio vs Sheamus, or even Kane vs Sheamus? I guess the company realizes that as long as Ziggler holds the briefcase, there’s no reason to start fresh feuds. Perhaps they’ll throw a curveball within the next couple of weeks. In any case, I’ll see you all next weekend with the return (again) of Kelly Floyd.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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