The SmarK RAW Rant – 05.13.13

The SmarK RAW Rant – 05.13.13

Ding dong, the Leafs are gone after choking in SPECTACULAR fashion, and all is right with the world again.

Work continues on the magnum opus that is the Coliseum Video Rant Kindle book, as I’ve been adding 2013 Scott sez comments to everything and I’m up through about rant #7 now with another 22 to go, plus a couple of bonus rants thrown in for fun.  Suffice it to say, there will be a LOT of new content for your amusement, and it’s been fun going back and reading the old stuff again and seeing how drastically my writing style evolved.

Live from Tulsa, OK, which is apparently important enough to be mentioned.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & JBL

DANCE OFF: Fandango v. Chris Jericho

Isn’t this more like a third hour bathroom break segment?  Summer Rae is back, which is bad because she’s noticeably weaker as a dancer than his other eye candy.  So of course this doesn’t happen, as they cut promos on each other before Fandango starts his routine and abruptly ends it due to Summer injuring herself.  Jericho is concerned as a babyface, and Fandango attacks him and lays him out with a piece of the dance floor.  Something something wiping the floor with him, I dunno.  This was all pretty boring as a way to open the show.  Luckily, Summer Rae was just faking the injury.  Whew.  I don’t think the show could have survived another week without her.  This trainwreck took almost THIRTY MINUTES.  That’s, like, 300 WWE app plugs worth of time!

Zack Ryder v. Ryback

Shellshock at 1:00.  DUD

Brodus Clay & Tensai v. The Primetime Players

Tensai hits Young with a somersault in the corner, but Titus gets some shots in and barks.  Over to Brodus, who throws him around and follows with a corner splash, but Titus rolls him up for the upset at 1:30.  Replay shows that Young used the HAIRPICK OF DOOM to secure the cheap win.  White John Cena would never do such a thing.  DUD

Teddy Long is out to announce that Dolph Ziggler is out of the PPV due to his concussion, but he’s still the champion.  So instead, it’s Swagger v. ADR in an I Quit match for the #1 contendership.  Big E comes out to protest, and gets booked against either Swagger or ADR tonight, depending on who the fans vote for.  This all went over like a fart in church, and given that ADR has already tapped Swagger out a bunch of times, there’s not much suspense about him winning again.

Kofi Kingston v. Damien Sandow

Apparently Dean Ambrose challenges for the US title at the PPV, which is a fate I wouldn’t wish on someone who they want to push.  On the bright side, that will at least make the useless US title into something closer to a main event belt.  Kofi gets a quick rollup for two, but Sandow throws knees to set up the ELBOW OF DISDAIN for two.  Into the abdominal stretch, and I’m disappointed that he doesn’t hook the leg in honor of Gorilla Monsoon.  Kofi escapes that devastating hold while the announcers talk about Kofi’s comic collection, but misses a flying bodypress and Sandow gets two off a neckbreaker.  Trouble in Paradise finishes at 2:30.  Match of the night thus far.  *

Mark Henry is out to talk about his strap match and demonstrate on Josh Matthews.  That’s only gonna make him an even bigger babyface.  So Henry talks and talks, and then Sheamus comes out and talks and talks, and Henry finally coaxes him into the ring, where Sheamus gives him one shot and Henry runs away.  I have no idea what is going on with the character at this point, as the stuff from Smackdown and in the past few weeks made Henry out to be a sympathetic babyface and here he was suddenly a big talking cowardly heel again.

Antonio Cesaro v. Randy Orton

Wasn’t this just on Main Event?  Why hype those matches and then just immediately rematch them on RAW?  Orton stomps Cesaro down as the announcers encourage us to install the WWE app and watch Big Show in the locker room while this match is going on.  I couldn’t even make this stuff up if I tried.  Cesaro with an uppercut for two and he hits the chinlock, but Orton escapes with a suplex and makes the comeback. Draping DDT is countered into a rollup for two, but the RKO finishes as usual at 3:10.  So much for Cesaro’s renewed push.  *1/2

Heath Slater v. The Miz

Miz with a knee and low kick to set up the corner clothesline, and a sunset flip gets two.  The double neckbreaker gets two, but some 3MB interference allows Slater to turn the tide.  Neckbreaker gets two and Slater goes to the headlock, but Miz comes back with the clothesline and double axehandle as this WWE app shilling is getting REALLY obnoxious, even by their standards.  Miz slugs away on the top and sends Slater into the other band members, and finishes with the figure-four at 4:08.  Just a match.  *1/2

The Shield v. Daniel Bryan, Kane & John Cena

Bryan throws the kicks on Ambrose in the corner and ties him up on the mat, but it’s over to Rollins, and he quickly gets dominated by Cena.  And we take a break, but FEAR NOT, if you’ve downloaded the app you can watch it there.  SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE FUCKING APP ALREADY.  Back, for those of us old fogies watching on our old-fashioned “television sets”, with the Shield working Bryan over in the corner, and yes, APP APP APP APP APP.  The Shield does some nice triple-teaming of Bryan and Rollins goes to the chinlock, and Ambrose drops an elbow for two.  Finally it’s hot tag Kane and he sideslams Ambrose and DDTs him for two.  Chokeslam is stopped by Rollins, but Kane beats on the Shield outside and gets counted out or disqualified or something at 13:00.  And we take ANOTHER break and return with Reigns beating on Cena, and Rollins comes off the top with a punt for two.  Rollins with a sleeper, but Cena RISES ABOVE AIRWAY OBSTRUCTION and brings Bryan in.  Suicide dive for Reigns and he goes up with a missile dropkick on Rollins for two.  People remain massively into Bryan’s near-falls and he keeps losing anyway.  Bryan fights off multiple guys, but walks into a high kick and Ambrose finishes him with the bulldog DDT at 22:00.  So that leaves Cena alone, odds against him, a lone wolf looking for his pack, back against the wall, in the seventh game of the series and staring down the Shield, trying not to choke like the Leafs in overtime.  Cena makes his first comeback against Rollins and eliminates him at 24:00, then the ref DQs Reigns at 24:10 for SHOVING THE REF, but he spears Cena and Ambrose gets two.  So that leaves Ambrose alone, but the other Shield guys run back in for the DQ at 25:00, and yes, the Shield’s undefeated streak is over, on FREE TV, by DISQUALIFICATION, with all three guys getting beat single-handedly by John Cena.  Oh my fucking god you have got to be kidding me with this shit. Thankfully Ryback beats him up a bit afterwards, but still, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?   **1/2

Big E Langston v. Jack Swagger

Yes, Swagger actually won a fan vote over supposed top babyface Alberto Del Rio.  So yeah, this happens, and we take a break and it astonishingly continues happening and fuck if I care at this point.   They fight outside, and Big E gets counted out at 10:41.  Really building some momentum for Swagger there.  ADR storms in and cleans house, no one cares, least of all me.

AJ Lee v. Natalya

This show just keeps going.  Meanwhile, on commentary, Kaitlyn gets a mystery gift in a dollar store gift bag.  Nattie beats on AJ for a while, but AJ suddenly swings into a flying armbar for the submission at 3:16.  I’m shocked it wasn’t a rollup after distraction.

MAIN EVENT FACE TO FACE CONFRONTATION IN A CAGE: HHH v. Brock Lesnar

So of course HHH gets a 20 minute talking segment on the go-home show.  Apparently this feud is so intense that they’re now using words like HATE.  Ooo, hide the kiddies.  Brock comes out for his rebuttal and wants to leave, but HHH TALKS SOME MORE and Brock wants to come down there and fight.  Four referees immediately try to block him, because god knows a cage on RAW is neither the time nor place for engaging in a professional wrestling match.  Brock somehow manages to evade the pack of wild refs and comes in to suplex HHH, but our hero comes back and tosses Brock into the door and out of the cage.  Which, by the way, would give Brock the win were this a real cage match and not just a test of the Emergency Cage Match System.  Man, John Cena beating Brock last year has NOTHING on this feud for destroying the mystique of Brock.  What an epic waste of Lesnar.

The Pulse

#WWEisBoring

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