Let’s just call this episode White Boy Problems. Between the embarrassing rap video debacle and the general sense of competition between the guys to outshine each other with stories of disease, abandonment and neglect, it’s a wonder Dez isn’t throwing herself into an institution. Depressing much?
Depressing indeed. Uh…but how about boring? Cuz that’s pretty much what I’m feeling about last night’s episode. I’m hoping that as the season progresses and I develop secret crushes on my top picks that the action will pick up a little bit, but truly, last night was one long yaaaawwwwn. And I’m not the only one who thinks so. So far, Dez’s season has seen the lowest ratings in Bachelor history, so we’re gonna have to take a good long look inside and ask the tough questions, people – how long can this franchise sustain itself? We’ve already lost Bachelor Pad…
I thought the actual episode would never start. The ‘preview’ of it was soooo long (another indication of suffering ratings – the desperate attempt to hook viewers into committing to watching the whole thing with carefully edited suspense) and basically revealed the entire two hours in mere minutes. Good to know for next week, if things continue along at this pace – I can just watch the preview and be done with it. That would be good enough for you guys, right?
So the morning kicks off with a sea of deep V’s in every imaginable colour, and such an extreme amount of hair gel that I worried that a nearby candle – you know – one of the ones randomly placed in a sconce, or highlighting the multiple baroque drapes and clashing tilework strewn about the house, would accidentally catch onto one those eerily coiffed heads and put an end to them all.
The first one on one date is announced and it goes to Brooks – who got an honourable mention by me last week, but who moves well up in the ranks this week. Brooks dashes off to change into a fresh deep V and we all cross our fingers for him that he’ll be visiting Dez’s deep V later that evening. Around this time, Ben is making his first appearance as the evil villain of the episode. Whether he likes it or not, the eery music accompanying him every time he’s on screen is bound to sway our opinions regardless of whether he’s a good guy or not.
Dez in the meantime, is pouring herself into what might as well be a latex tank top it’s so tight and then she’s off to get him in her baby blue Bentley.
Overall, from a ‘connection’ perspective, I think we can say the date was a smashing success. Brooks is adorable, full of positive energy, and a real man’s man, despite the fact that he cried and also didn’t get to drive the Bentley. Not even once.
It goes without saying that I cried when he choked up about his parents (the first of many contestant reveals about Daddy issues), and their conversation seemed to flow very naturally, as did the kiss (I guess his lips can move). And the whole concert with Andy Grammer was pretty cute – upbeat, yet romantic (even though Dez wouldn’t let Brooks lead when they were dancing). But, alas, I still have some fundamental issues with the date overall.
First of all – really? A wedding gown store? Dez – I thought you were cooler than that. I get that it’s your passion, but really, that was right up there with Ashley’s date in Vegas with William where she was one ‘I do’ away from marrying him on episode two for the sake of good (mediocre) TV. Sure Brooks revealed his sense of humour and quick wit by rocking his inner leprechaun, but between the cupcake and the pathetic attempt of Dez’s to pretend everything was a surprise to her as well, it sorta blew. I thought things were getting interesting when they accidentally pulled into the sketchiest neighborhood ever, driving a Bentley but I was quickly, supremely disappointed when they entered the bridge only to discover the exact same setup as Lindsay and Kalon’s bridge date on Bachelor Pad, complete with chandelier, and car parked nearby just so. I’m sorry, but there is just no excuse for that.
Did these producers think we wouldn’t remember??? The first time around, it was breathtakingly romantic. But last night, I was honestly just pissed that they’ve run out of creative ideas and are fully executing the same dates. And you wonder why this show has become such a formula and ratings are down?
Regardless of this, I pretty much heart Brooks at this point. Moving onto the group date.
There’s pretty much no way that this date was going to go well. Put a bunch of awkward white guys in a room together and ask them not only to compete for a girl’s attention, but do it while rhyming? This can’t be good.
Solja Boy hit the scene and every dude there clamored to fist pump him or reveal some sort of secret handshake. They were like ants scurrying to a melting piece of popsicle in the backyard. With every reference to red roses and blue violets, I cringed a bit harder and finally, blissfully (or so I thought) they were divided into rappers and backup dancers. What’s worse?
I didn’t actually write too much during this date, because despite the potential for entertainment, amazingly, it was still pretty boring. The references to past bachelors were only borderline amusing, half the guys couldn’t even stay on beat as they tried to rap their lines to Dez and by far, the most amusing moments definitely centred around Brandon’s package. Between the sack-cam capturing way too many of those guys taking a nice long look at said man parts – like uncomfortably long – and Brandon covering up his ‘reaction’ to Dez’s arrival by a strategically placed water cup – there’s certainly no hiding the evidence in that outfit, not to mention Juan Pablo looking like an awkward eight year old in that baseball hat and Mikey going to town on a lollipop dressed up as Jason Mesnick’s son Ty (that was Mikey, right?), that’s pretty much it for amusing moments.
I don’t really know what to make of half the other guys. James is clearly a shit disturber, but I also think he’s a bit of a softie, and honestly it’s hard to really analyze him with his general Incredible Hulk persona.
Once the night portion rolls around, the men start sharpening their vaginas and that’s when the animosity towards Ben comes out. I’m still on the fence about Ben. Is he cocky? Yes. But I really don’t think he’s done that much yet to deserve all this backlash. The fact that Mikey throws a tantrum and then has to have a talk to Ben about interrupting his chat with Dez is a bit ridiculous. What did you expect? And the fact that their convo ends with a compliment to each others’ shoes? Ludicrous. Ben is approached (multiple times throughout the episode) about his general douchery, and he doesn’t play into it and very calmly rebuts the accusations. So I don’t hate him. Yet. But I don’t love him either. Sure he admitted he’s ‘here for the rose’, but who knows? Maybe he has a flower fetish? Who are we to judge?
Zak is the biggest surprise of the group date. I said last week, that I thought underneath those abs he just might be a good guy, and what a surprise – the babe from the burbs is spot on. The vintage book thing was pretty adorable and Dez was clearly blown away by it. He totally should have gotten the rose just for that, but somehow it went to Ben who seduced her with his cheesy line about them having a secret relating to the fact that she’s a good kisser. Really?
Brandon’s also a tough nut to crack. Clearly he’s a fragile little one. Practically bursting into tears amidst the rap date as he’s already overwhelmed by being ‘in like’ with Dez, then pouring his heart out to her about his upbringing and his desire to be a good husband and father. I was initially feeling a little ‘back away from the ledge’ about him, especially when I noticed him perched like an eagle watching Dez and Ben make out, but his whole butterfly analogy and his expressed desire to just come home to his wife and love her and be grateful kinda had me at hello.
Michael G started out a bit sketchy with Dez. I thought he was going to be the first one to start officially stirring up rumours about Ben to Dez – a huge no-no in bachelor decorum. But instead he actually gave a pretty nice speech about how women deserve to be treated and always having her back. It’s a good thing too, because this guy has ‘friend zone’ written all over him.
Regardless of some pretty heartfelt one-on-one times, the night ended on a particularly low note, with the recitation of the ‘right reasons’ rap. At this point, I’m just looking for a reason to keep watching.
So this is getting long and I’m getting a bit bored writing it. Let’s move on to a date with the severe-jawed military man Bryden which might as well have been a date with her big brother (minus the violent streak, of course). No doubt, Bryden is a sweetheart, but I just wasn’t so enamoured with their date which included flying a kite near the ocean, frolicking through an orange grove featuring a rowdy game of ‘catch the citrus’ scarfing down fish tacos (certainly the only fish taco Brydon’s going to be diving into this season) and an awkward dinner, where he just so happens to have a series of photos featuring him in various stages of physical trauma. Nothing says romance like swelling and bruises.
Just when I thought his references to the day being fun and awesome couldn’t possibly increase, they enter the hot tub, where our man Humpty Dumpty can barely put two sentences back together again, unless they involve the phrase ‘gee willikers’. Their first, horribly awkward kiss which Dez practically had to beg for (seriously I was about to start mouthing the screen just to put her out of her misery) was interrupted by my husband asking me to punch him in the pee hole, and with that, we said goodnight to Bryden and Dez.
The next evening at the cocktail party, Dez, in yet another ‘interesting’ dress (I liked her clothes much better last season) and makeup that’s a bit too Glamour Shots for my taste arrives to share some quality time with the boys before sending some of them packing.
Looking for a way to ensure you get your girl? How about telling her you have Diabetes? Then, when that doesn’t turn her on, how about having a tantrum when your time gets interrupted?
Look I agree that it’s an asshole move for rose-bearers to steal one on one time, but all’s fair in love and war, right? Michael could have told Ben to wait a few minutes and put him in his place but he didn’t. And standing around brainstorming with your gang of pussies about how to sabotage Ben’s connection with Dez is not exactly making you look cool.
Michael waited until afterwards to call Ben out on it, supported by some dude I’ve never seen before – was that Keifer Sutherland? Not only does Michael question Ben interrupting their chat, but he starts insulting the example Ben is setting for his son – because you know his three year old is up watching, right? Ben takes it pretty well, which just reaffirms for me that I’m not sure yet how I feel about him. Again, not jumping on the bandwagon yet, but eyes are wide open.
Finally, the rose ceremony rolls around and her picks seem to start off pretty weak. James, Kasey, Dan, Juan Pablo, Brad, Chris, Brian, Zak, Drew, Mikey, Zach K, Michael and Brandon get the roses. Really, she tossed Robert the sign spinner? She didn’t even give him a chance and he was one of my top picks! That has to be the most premature evacuation in Bachelor history!
So sign spinner and Keifer Sutherland (who apparently is named Nick M – who knew?) and a bunch of other dudes make their exit and the rest toast to ‘the right reasons’.
Next week reveals the most dramatic moment of the season when someone is caught with a girlfriend. Will it be Ben or are we going to be totally blindsided by another dude? Either way, Ben’s cache is dropping rapidly for me – who trusts a man in spaghetti straps???
For those of you who turned off your TV’s once next week’s previews were shown, you missed the ‘teaser’ of the rap video the group date produced. But never fear, if you visit abc.com, you can watch the whole thing!
Or, you could just save yourself some time and stab yourself in the eyeball with an icicle. Your call.
Till next week!
Tags: the bachelorette, The Bachelorette 2013