THE RAGER! – With Many Happy Returns (Goldust, Edge, Night of Champions)

On this day, your fearless leader hath returned from his week-long hiatus spent high atop the mountain, pondering the mysteries of life. I’ve returned with a newly focused set of ideas that we all shall live by.

Not really, I went to a Muse concert out of town last week and decided to take the week off. The concert was amazing, by the way.

During my absence, we saw Daniel Bryan get slapped around some more, a continuation of other wrestlers being nutless skin-sacks because they’re too afraid of losing a job, and a PPV card not be filled.

And then came Monday…
Daniel Bryan finally was able to take charge at the end of the show while Big Show was still said skin-sack. Side note: I really could spend the rest of my life without watching Big Show cry and I would be the happiest man ever. I don’t understand creative’s fetish with making Big Show cry any time that he’s a face lately. I’m starting to believe that the only reason for having him go back and forth so often is just so they can turn him face and make him cry.
Also, we got 3 returns on Monday. It’s always fun to see Edge, even if it’s for a single segment at the top of the show to promote his tv show. The important thing is that he can cut a promo, which is probably Daniel Bryan’s single flaw. Don’t get me wrong, Daniel Bryan’s promo skills are still way better than Randy’s but that’s not exactly saying much, is it?
Santino came back…that was a thing.
I was so glad to see Goldust return and have a match with a solid length with Orton. The match did a great job at keeping Cody’s situation at the forefront of everyone’s mind while also giving us a really good match to watch. WWE has a great opportunity here and I’m hoping they don’t leave Cody on the shelf for too long and throw away an opportunity for Cody to get a hero’s welcome and possibly do big things with it. Does that guarantee that Cody WILL do great things with this chance? It doesn’t and it’s all on Cody shoulders to capitalize but this is probably the greatest chance he’ll ever have.

Did the Night of Champions card ever get filled? In a word, no.

Kickoff Tag Team Turmoil Match for #1 Contender
Tons of Funk vs Prime Time Players vs The Usos vs 3MB vs The Real Americans
It’ll be interesting to how much time this match is given considering how much they like to preview the PPV and use the new panel setup. However, they haven’t advertised any big names on the panel and this match is like a gauntlet match for tag team and would require a certain amount of time. Of course, 3MB’s involvement is gonna be quick and possibly the same for Tons of Funk considering how easy it is for Wyatt Family to put them away these days. Hopefully the majority of the time will be spent with Cesaro being all Cesaro and The Usos continuing their impressive streak on kickoff shows. I feel like it’s a given that Prime Time Players are going to take this considering their hot streak following Darren Young’s recent popularity. If they really want to build PTP, have them start off first and literally beat everybody (with a hard-fought struggle and not like super Cena).

Tag Team Championship Match
The Shield(c) vs Winners of Turmoil Match
Not exactly sure how to go along with this with all things considered. With my scenario of PTP winning earlier, having them take the belts after going through all those other teams would be monumental for them and capitalize on their growing stock. However, Shield is currently serving as the personal security of HHH and Randy Orton and they’re probably not ready to show any weakness among them. However, with their current story, it’s not like they’re doing anything specific with the titles nor do they really need them right now. Interesting little conundrum here. Of course, if any other tag team wins the kickoff match, consider it a win for Shield.

Fatal 4 Way Match for Divas Championship
AJ(c) vs Naomi vs Natalya vs Brie Bella
They could’ve picked worse participants for this match, so I’ll give them that. Basically this comes down to what they want to show on the next season of Total Divas (because this is obviously getting taped for that). Will they be introducing AJ into the show? Or will she be the big-bad person coming in just to crush everybody’s dreams on the show? Personally, if they want to build anything from AJ’s promo a couple weeks ago then having her win makes sense unless she’s going to be the type of heel that can’t back up what she says…which is also plausible. If AJ doesn’t retain, I’ll accept Natalya winning.

World Heavyweight Championship Match
Alberto Del Rio(c) vs Rob Van Dam
Alberto Del Rio is just a black hole where story-lines go to die. Here’s to hoping RVD wins. Not really because he’s Mr. Personality by comparison (he’s not) but I think I’m burned out on ADR being in the WHC picture because it feels like it’s been forever. Of course, if RVD wins then we would have to have the return match at Battleground and runs the risk of having another match between them at Hell in a Cell because that’s 3 weeks after and won’t really have much of a chance build a different story. See? This is the problem when you put bland people like Del Rio, Christian and Sheamus as the WHC, we get stuck with them for far too long.

CM Punk vs Curtis Axel & Paul Heyman
I can’t help but feel unsatisfied with this booking. It’s like I would almost rather see another Punk and Heyman promo than involve Curtis Axel and have this match. We all know that the ultimate end to this story will be when Punk gets his hands on Heyman and he gets what he deserves. Typical good vs evil. The only problem is that Heyman doesn’t wrestle and having him in a one-on-one match with Punk would be a little too one-sided (think HBK vs Vince at Mania). So they bring in Axel, which is huge for him to be facing Punk at a PPV…but nobody gives a crap about him. Axel isn’t quite the avatar that Brock is and maybe that’s an unfair comparison but it’s unavoidable. The match will probably be passable but I’m guessing some shenanigans to go down to further the story, maybe build to another match against Brock. Also, I think it would’ve been an interesting touch to have included the IC belt. Sure, Punk doesn’t need it but Axel isn’t doing anything with it and Punk could easily add some prestige to it and break Honky Tonk’s record.

WWE Championship Match
Randy Orton(c) vs Daniel Bryan
Like I was said, it was good seeing Bryan finally come out on top to close Raw this past Monday and it helped even things out between the two of them. That being said, I’m pretty convinced that there will be some interruption or end in a shady way that will force a lot of other wrestlers break their silence and build up an opposition for Battleground. I say all of that because everything has been stacked in favor of HHH’s regime for the past month and it’s about time for this to begin leveling out. I still don’t think DB actually gets the belt until Survivor Series because I feel like that’s more likely than DB headlining WM30 with all them part-timers on the card.

That’s all that’s been announced for this Sunday. I’m hoping for an eventful Smackdown and maybe add some more matches but that may be asking for too much.

As always, be sure to catch the latest Classy Ring Attire podcast out later in the week (follow us on twitter @CRAttire) but until then, you can catch last week’s Joel-less episode here.

Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do twice,
Chris

The Answer: I think my biggest fear as a writer is that a girl is gonna dump me by using my own line that I wrote for a movie.

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