Figure I’ll give Widdy break this week, since I’m restless and sunburnt and can’t sleep.
So this week for the MITB Go Home edition of Raw, we’re in the Big Easy and we open with John Cena in the ring. The strange part is that after months of ceaseless insipid Authority promos taking 25 minutes to open the show each week, Cena almost feels like a fresh change. He cuts a typical Cena promo on beating Kevin Owens on Sunday, fighting for the crowd even when they boo him, yadda yadda. Owens comes out and verbally no-sells Cena’s attempt to bury him and the crowd is loving it. Owens says no one wants to see another US Open Challenge, which I seriously call bs on, given that the US Opens have consistently been some of the most entertaining parts of Raw of late, and issues an NXT open. Cena tries to accept, but Owens wisely cockblocks it, and says they should just let whoever comes down the ramp decide which title they want to fight for.
Neville’s music hits and he chooses the NXT belt because he thinks Owens is dragging it down with his arrogant bully schtick. MORE OF THIS PLEASE.
We come back from break to Cena on commentary and Neville in control keeping Owens staggered and not letting him get his bearings. Cena’s insipid commentary is basically burying all of NXT as a minor league where your accomplishments mean nothing once you’re in the WWE, and I want to bitchslap him AND Vince simultaneously. Vince for writing it, Cena for agreeing to say it.
Owens takes advantage of Neville missing a move and takes contrl as we go to another break and I’m muting the commentary when we get back.
We come back to a rest hold as Owens cinches a headlock, then toys with Neville for awhile, before he stupidly lets himself get distracted trying to mock Cena, and Neville gets the upper hand. Neville does his best to keep Owens off his feet but Owens reverses a superkick attempt into some sort of tiger suplex into a knee to the skull that looks ridiculously stiff. It only gets him two though, and Neville gets another few shots in. Neville goes for Red Arrow Owens backs off. Then Neville gutshots him and tries Red Arrow again, but this time Owns rolls away as Neville lands. Neville superkicks him back down and tries a third time but Owens again dodges and hits the Pop-Up Powerbomb for the win.
Cena enters the ring for a faceoff and talks smack, and Owens bails, refusing to take the bait.
Back from break we’re recapping the absolutely bullshit finish from EC for Rollins/Ambrose that the audience rightly shat on hardcore. We also recap the past week of promos leading up to Sundays WWE World Title ladder match. I desperately hope they pay attention to the crowd reactions of late, because they bloody WANT that strap on the nutjob.
Yet another commercial break. And the first thing we get coming back is Micheal Cole bragging about passing a half billion social media followers.
Now we have a backstage Authority promo, where Steph and Tripsy are going over various New Orleans landmarks to go check out, when Seth wanders in and mouths off at the stupidity of landmarks. Steph and Tripsy remind him he said as week he doesn’t need them, and are clearly punishing his attempt to grow a spine. They tell him he can choose his own opponent tonight to prove he can get by without them. He swears he won’t let them.
Recap of the “Creative has zero clue how to write us” Bellas pulling a somewhat less than plausible Twin Magic given they now have completely different hair and body types and their outfits weren’t even identical. Nikki cuts a blatant heel promo claiming Paige is just a deluded whiner and she pities her. And then yet ANOTHER ad break.
Back from break Nikki comes to the ring to face Summer Rae. Summer has control as we get going and aside from some pity clapping the cajun crowd is so not into this. They clearly wanted Paige. Sadly this reaction will be used by Vince to justify not pushing the women. Nikki reverses the momentum into a sudden rack attack and the match is already over. Le Sigh.
Recap of Roman Reigns being forced to run an all night gauntlet to keep his spot in the MITB Ladder match. Love him or hate him, Reigns is proof that good old JR is laughably out of touch these days as he was selling his beatings like a champ all night. And ANOTHER damned commercial break after the reigns recap.
Back from break and we see a clip of Dean Ambrose playing a pink sax on Bourbon street. Okay then. That’s a thing that happened. Reigns is coming down from the nosebleeds, and the Big Easy crowd is digging him. He’s earned back the popularity Vince cost him by trying to force him to be the Rock. Reigns works so much better when he’s the chuckling badass with no f*cks to give.
Reigns cuts a promo talking about how much the MITB briefcase used to disgust him, but doesn’t seem so bad now that it’s no longer permaglued to thee WWE’s biggest ass. Then he gives the typical “I’ma win that case and go on to be WWE Champ” speech before Kane interryupts and…..
My feed died. Took me 5 bloody minutes to get it back. When it starts working again, New Day is approaching the ring and Kofi is explaining why HE will win the case this year, and New Day continues to somehow be an even more racist version of the Fabulous Freebirds. I see Zigglypuff in the ring so I guess he did the same. And now comes Sheamus to interrupt Kane’s attempt to wrangle control of the promo back. Sheamus is one more cheesy grin away from permanent X-Pac heat as he buries everyone else in the match completely.
Kane points out there are others in the match, including, and he LITERALLY does a beat to wait for Orton’s music to hit and take us to still yet another ad break. When we come back we join an Orton/Sheamus rematch in progress and I am suddenly struggling to remain lucid. Who needs Zopiclone to sleep when you can just watch a Two Strikes match against the Gingerdreads Man?
The crowd is into it way more than I am. For some reason the New Orleans crowd just utterly adores Orton. Must be all the Chartreuse they drink down there. Regardless of whatever mind-altering substance in the New Orleans drinking water is making the crowd love this crap, I fell asleep twice. The ads on the British Skysports feed are more entertaining. This over appreciative crowd makes me sad inside.
Match ends in a DQ when they start chair-shotting each other, but Orton ends up on top and gets revenge from last week. Orton beats the ever-loving crap out of Sheamus for a bit then basks for the crowd to his music while Cole pimps the Network. Now we go backstage and JNJ is talking to Seth, about his not needing them, where Joey is sensitive. Seth is s always deluded about his successes like the cowardly heel he is, and Noble tells Seth off at last. Seth decides JNJ will be his opponents and he laughs his heely jerkass laugh, but MERCURY of all people bitchslaps him and finally speaks, telling Seth he’d be nothing with them. Commercial break.
Aaaaaaand my phone rings and I swear the universe is trying to prevent me focusing, and I have the sounded muted so I can only describe the visual. Kane and Zigglypuff are wrestling while Lana watches anxiously from the aisle. Near as I can tell Ziggles keeps getting hope spots but generally Kane is dominating the match. Another ad break.
Back from the break and off the phone, and Ziggles is in control, tl he and Kane knock each other silly. This of course is when Rusev comes out on his crutches to harass Lana and she falls off the ramp and apparently injures her own ankle. Zifggles tries to leave the ring to help her but Kane takes advantage and chokeslams him for the win. Kane leaves and Dolph tends to Lana. Back from break and Dolph and Lana are shown with the Doctor in the back, followed by Miz TV with Ryback and Big Show. Miz does some typical heelMiz whining about Big Show robbing him of a title shot against Ryback.
Speaking of Ryback, out he comes! Then comes Big Show. And I literally nodded off through this. When I woke up Ryback’s music was playing into a commercial I think.
And my feed has died again and I can’t seem to get it back. My first recap is NOT going swimmingly here. Finally I get it back and I see Harper and Rowan squashing Los Matadores and then giving a weird cryptic promo where somehow Harper sounds like Sting. This is followed by a Rollins/Kane promo about possible results at MITB, which Kane believes will always include him winning the briefcase. Rollins continues to proclaim he’s breaking the rules of cowardly heel champ 101 and to not need anyone’s help to dispose of Ambrose. Another ad break follows.
Thus far this raw started out strong, but has steadily gone downhill. Back from break and New Day is in the Ring as Big E is about to go one on one with Titus O’Neil of the Prime Time Players. We get a brief back and forth, but Big E pulls off the win via New Day Freebirding. Before New Day can celebrate, Roman Reigns comes down to the ring and apparently when we come back from break it’ll be Reigns versus Kofi.
The match dances all over the places, inside and outside. They bounce off each other a lot, and we almost see a tope suicida from Reigns but New Day all bail. Quick adbreak and New Day are Freebirding again. Reigns and Kofi are working stiff and going all out and the crowd is seriously digging it. They knock each other out and New Day is panicking. Finally Reigns gets the win, and with a grin on his face takes a chair to his usual barrier jumping spot, acts like he’s checking his watch. Then Ambrose’s music hits and Reigns grins. Backstage Steph and Tripsy goad Seth, waiting for him to swallow his pride and ask for help. He stubbornly refuses as we go to our final break.
Back from break and out comes Rollins, alone. J & J come out with Kane, and it’s Mercury in to start while Seth laughs mockingly. He toys with them and it’s sad how Creative have forgotten that Mercury used to be pretty damn good in the ring. Then Seth’s arrogance gets the better of him and Mercury starts kicking his ass, and I feel better now. Joey gets some offense in for a few but Rollins gets pissed and starts beating on him. The crowd actually chants “Let’s go Joey!” but Rollins doesn’t let him get any momentum. Finally Rollins misses a shot and Mercury tags in Noble, who pulls off an awesome little sequence on Seth that earns him a “you still got it!” chant, but Rollins stops him cold when he tries a top rope move. Seth rams them into each other. Rollins is about to give Nobe the Pedigree but Ambrose tosses the championship into the ring. Seth takes the bait and Mercury runs in and rolls Seth up for the win. Seth is in such shock at his loss that he fails to see Ambrose coming to dirty ddt-eeds him and take the belt back, leaving Seth in the ring fuming. Ambrose climbs one of the ladders in the aisle to pose with the title and close the show.
I will be damned surprised if these two don’t completely steal the show Sunday.
Later folks!
