Warning: The following column is for mature readers. It contains content and views which are soley of the author, Jaded Seth Malice, and Inside Pulse and it’s affiliates, do not support, nor endorse. Please read on at your own risk.
— Inside Pulse
“I must make my witness.”
— Howard Beale, Network
I wrote this column already. Well, I wrote it, then ditched it. Now I’m writing it, again. The original column might be the greatest column I’ve ever written. Like ever. And I ditched it. Why? Because I wrote it while being totally pissed off. And no it wasn’t written about what was happening in pro wrestling. No, I wrote it with blind hate due to something that happened to me outside of wrestling. That’s not right, nor fair. That’s why I ditched it.
So here’s the rewrite. . .God help us all. . .
I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what this column would be about. I’ve decided that this column will focus on why the WWE sucks right now. I know what your thinking. We have heard this same shit by a thousand other armchair champions with chin beards and a cozy dwelling in their parents’ basement. I don’t have a basement and I own my own home. So there. Anyway, the reason the WWE sucks is the enviroment. It’s toxic. Nothing but backstabbing, butt-kissing, nepotism, and objective favortism. I think that last one is a word. Here’s some examples:
Eva Marie. Now the Pippy Longstocking of sports entertainment is being given the keys to Titan Towers. She is a main star of Total Divas and is being trained one-on-one with The Brian Kendrick in a wrestling dojo. There are long term plans which include all kinds of deals such as movies, etc. And yet she is wrestling’s answer to cottage cheese. In other words, she looks, wrestles, and may even taste like shit. Think about this for a second: Charlotte Flair, Sasha Banks, Becky Lynch, and Bayley don’t get paid near the same as Eva Marie. Yeah, Eva Marie went through devolopmental and made it to the main roster. And she fucked up her first angle with the King. It’s been downhill ever since. Just ponder this: Eva Maria is paid a good six figures for what she does on Total Divas. And now she gets paid to learn the basics. The basics. And I loved that moment when she pulled off the bodyslam and acted like she had defeated Hulk Hogan clean at WrestleMania for the WWE championship. High fives all around. Hate Nikki Bella all you want if you believe her success is sexually transmitted, but at least she knows the basics. And I hear Nympho Nikki can suck a golf ball through a water hose. Nikki’s also willing to butter your biscuits if she can get a little of that gravy. Yeah, Eva Marie might be fuckable to look at, but I’ll bet my dollars to donuts she sucks at sex just like she sucks at wrestling,. And not in the Las Vegas way, either. Please don’t confuse her by asking her to perfom a chin lock while chewing gum. Her brain might melt from confusion.
Moving on to. . .
Dolph Ziggler and Lana. The whole angle of their “relationship” consists of them reading books and then talking about them. I hope for Dolph’s sake it’s those 50 Shades novels ’cause I’d pay to hear Lana read this passage aloud:
“I line up the white ball and with a swift clean stroke, hit the center ball of the triangle square on with such force that a striped ball spins and plunges into the top right pocket. I’ve scattered the rest of the balls.”
Not what you were expecting, huh? You just got to think about it. Try harder. Now throw in the following quote:
“Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor. Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free.”
Just for you perverts. Are you satisfied now? Oh, you want more hunh? We’ll here’s one just for the unregistered sex offenders:
Desire pools dark and deadly in my groin.”
Now read it faster, Lana! Louder! Faster! Commit to it! What’s my name, bitch?! Dolph Ziggler! Hunh, I can’t hear you! Dolph Ziggler! That’s right, you bitch! I’m the Show off who’s gonna get you off! Now stick that ass up so Naddy can whip it! Purr like a kitten, Tyson Kidd!
Deep breath.
What’s really weird is how Dolph and Lana’s careers are sinking faster than James Cameron’s Titanic and Summer Rae is coming out of this looking like the winner with Rusev who just got shoes. Rusev needed shoes. Lana is proof of a theory that I have which is the more over you are, well, the more screwed you are. Don’t believe me, then just ask Daniel Bryan, Bad News Barrett, Zack Ryder, and Ryback. Pray you don’t get over ’cause Vince is gonna go all Deliverance on your ass. If Dolph’s smart, then he better run like hell, cause I hear the banjos. Yeah, he won’t be paid the same but just as Terry Taylor can tell how how a good payday/bad gimmick can do to your career. Cluck.
And now to dat guy. . .
Roman Reigns. Yeah, he’s Superman all right. Brandon Routh’s Superman. Let’s see here we get punch, punch, punch, followed by Samoan drop which borders on self-racism, and then the drop kick to the head on the apron. Then we cock, lock, and superpunch. This all ends with a primal growl of Uuuhraaa! And the spear. A spear. Yeah, a spear. That’s the best finisher they could come up with was a spear? Goldberg. Edge. Big Show. Batista. Rhyno. All those guys use the spear. Some as a finisher. Some as the setup. It’s been done to death. Give the guy a true finisher. Something. Anything. I know what your thinking? That kind of outside the box thinking would kill all the brain cells of the creative team. It would be like the movie Scanners. Heads would explode and bodies would melt. Suffering saccatash, indeed! Vince McMahon can type this shit and Roman Reigns will choke it. Roman has also been blessed with the charisma and personality of concrete. Wait, that’s an insult to concrete. Lex Luger will straight up tell you at least he ain’t Roman Reigns! Balive Dat!
And then there’s the Big Show. Oh, gawd, it’s the Big Show. If he ain’t crying, then he’s totally turning. And let’s put him in an endless series of matches with Roman Reigns. Just what the WWE Universe is begging for is Roman Reigns vs Big Show again this week. Next week. The week after that. Deathrow inmates are better treated than the poor souls who paid good money for a Roman Reigns vs Big Show match. Forget Steamboat against Flair ’cause the millenials just got another fucking Reigns VS Show classic which be a special that is headed to the WWE Network right now as I type this shit.. Only $9.99!
Moving on. . .
Kevin Owens lost to John Cena. Why? ‘Cause if Cena lost clean back to back then it would be like the One Ring getting thrown in the fires of Mount Doom. In other words, Titan Towers would crumble like the dark tower of Baradur and Vince McMahon would fold into his own ass and go poof like the Eye of Sauron.
I bet Vince pulls it out the minute Cena goes through that curtain. Flogging the bishop every time Cena does the “You Can’t See Me” and slaps that monkey on every “Five Nuckle Shuffle” which fits the point that I’m making right now and to help illustrate it, let’s have Lana read some more 50 Shades:
“My subconscious looks on with approval, her normally pursed mouth smiling, and I am the supreme puppet master.”
And then Cena goes for the AA and Vince turns into John Henry smashing his way through a mountain. And then Cena hits the AA and gets the win. Vince then becomes Mount Rushmore. Old Faithful.
And speaking of the spawn from McMahon’s loins. . .
Stephanie McMahon. Now here is where Vince McMahon is a genius: if your daughter sucks at her job then just make one up for her. Can we all say Chief Brand Officer. I’m guessing that Stephanie’s job for the day includes a sudoku and a find a word. I bet when she completes both of them she rushes into Vince’s office like a little girl who got turned into a princess and took over Disneyworld. I bet Vince even gives an adda girl to boot! He then sheds a tear for the prodical son who was born for the busniess, but didn’t share the same vision for the WWE as the Genetic Jackhammer. So he left. And thanks to Stephanie, her daddy will never need a roll of toilet paper again. Maybe if we all say Shane McMahon three times while Raw is on he’ll return and take back the kingdom. I can dream, can’t I?
As always, I will inspire you with an inspiring quote:
“A lot of people were surprised when Jerry said he was retiring. Me? I was surprised he stayed that long. Jerry has so many passions and so many gifts besides coaching football—a gift for teaching, a gift for helping, a gift for guiding kids. This is a man with a lot to do.”
— Matt Millen talking about Jerry Sandusky
Some people would be more willing to take a shower at Penn Sate than watch another Roman Reigns vs Big Show match. JBL would LOVE to take a shower at Penn State. And he has a trunk full of soap just waiting for action. . .
