Break The Walls Down: The 10 Worst Tag Team Names In Wrestling History
As I’m sure you’ll be aware by now, WWE made a XXX error last week when naming the team of Paige, Charlotte and Becky Lynch. Having devised the admittedly bad ass ‘Submission Sorority’, a researcher was presumably swiftly launched from the Stamford roof after failing to unearth the fact that the name has huge connotations to the hardcore porn industry. Although WWE have a history of working with other companies on various projects, it seems unlikely that this was an intentional ploy to drive up subscriptions for BangBros. They also failed to discern the disastrous acronym with arguably even worse implications than the pornography. Nevertheless, WWE have rectified their mistake and altered the faction’s label to the less defamatory yet more lacklustre acronym of PCB, which actually stands for the Pakistan Cricket Board. Luckily cricket is way less sexy than naked wrestling lesbians. This calamitous error brought to mind some of the more ludicrous tag team and faction names from wrestling history; designations that inexplicably remained intact rather than being remedied as with The SS PCB. Some are relatively niche, others much more well-known, so let’s take a peek at the teams who really should’ve had a rethink.
Mean Street Posse
Posse. Posse. Say it out loud as you read it. Posse. This is possibly the most uncool word in the history of linguistics. Worse still, Joey Abs, Pete Gas and Rodney were in no way mean and if they were from the street, that street was likely paved with sweater vests. Although their run was short lived and conspicuous by its inconspicuousness, all three members somehow managed to win the WWF Hardcore Championship – on the same day – during the endlessly entertaining 24/7 rule at the turn of the millennium.
Never, ever let the general public make a group decision. Kofi Kingston and forgotten aerialist Evan Bourne officially formed a partnership in 2011 and because Twitter was all the rage, WWE decided to put a vote out onto the social platform to name the duo. The result was the amalgamation of their monikers. Air Boom is akin to when a three year old is playing with newly learnt words and just smashes them together without care for their meaning because their brain capacity isn’t developed enough to construct actual sentences. Bourne was to break the Wellness Policy twice during the teams run, proving that such an awful name can turn a talent to drugs.
The Russian Team
“Guys. We’ve got some Russians.”
“Great. What are we going to do with them?”
“Let’s put them in a team.”
“Nice idea. What shall we call it?”
“Well they’re Russian.” “That’s right.”
“And it’ll be a team.”
“LET’S CALL THEM ‘THE RUSSIAN TEAM’ AND LIVE OFF THE BILLIONS WE EARN FROM OUR GENIUS.”*Mic drop*
Despite having seven members throughout it’s history, NWA’s Russian Team never contained a single Russian. Vintage pro wrestling logic.
The oldest team on this list are the Fabulous Kangaroos. They may be unlucky to reside here due to the societal evolution of the last sixty years, but calling anything fabulous will immediately insinuate the very opposite. When combined with the bouncy marsupial, this title is, simply put, preposterous. Despite the brutally infantile moniker, the Kangaroos were early pioneers of tag team wrestling, and captured titles in a variety of territories. Complete with boomerangs, bush hats and the Waltzing Matilda theme tune, they kept to potentially racist stereotype in their ultra Australian gimmick, and unlike the Russian Team, actually had wrestlers from down under as part of the faction.
You’re right to think this isn’t a word. It’s what a twelve year nerd would invent as an appellation for their ill-advised, white upper middle-class gang of rappers, who are technically just reciting poetry to slow, melancholic beats. Infamous lunatic New Jack was formerly part of The Gangstas, and John Kronus was left on his todd thanks to Perry Saturn’s departure from The Eliminators. ECW therefore decided it would be sensible to pair the lost souls together, and rather than coin a brand spanking new name, a portmanteau of their previous incarnations went ahead without a single shred of reflection.
Pretty Mean Sisters
As a standalone label, Pretty Mean Sisters is poor. It suggests these girls aren’t mean, they’re only just a little mean. However, Jacqui, Terri and later, Ryan Shamrock, became an ensemble during the Attitude Era, so this was PMS. It’s impossible to consider this acronym without the word ‘menstrual’ running through the mind. There’s no way on heaven or earth a team in WWE will be called anything like this again, let alone be designated a sex slave called Meat who would lose matches because he was exhausted from all the intercourse literally forced upon him by these horny womenfolk. Was this gimmick supposed to empower women? Possibly. Was it generally just offensive to both genders? Absolutely.
The American Males
Fetch the salt, because this is the blandest name imaginable. Buff Bagwell and Scotty Riggs were American. And they were male. That’s it. The creative team came up with this gold, broke for lunch and never returned. Even if the WCW Tag Team Champions had been called the US Males, at least there’d have been the slightest element of word play. But no. Boring, bland, and boring again. If WCW creative aren’t going to use a thesaurus, then neither will I.
Sports Entertainment Xtreme
Another appalling acronym, another abysmally baptised faction. In 2002, one man fustercluck Vince Russo, dissatisfied with butchering WCW, meandered across to newly formed TNA, where he proceeded to invent his own team of loyal subjects in a storyline eerily reminiscent of a certain NWO. Regardless of plot, the name was flat out inane. In honesty, what do you expect from Russo? You throw enough excrement at a wall and some of it will stick. This particular sliver of faecal matter slid straight back down the toilet.
Tekno Team 2000
In 1995, Travis and Troy were billed in the WWF as a team ahead of their time. One can only assume that this time still hasn’t arrived, because both the name and the gimmick were atrocious. Looking like extras from a Star Trek episode circa 1968 and with a title seemingly coined by a drunk Japanese millennium bug conspiracist, this is the designation on the list that most makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little bit.
The Powers Of Pain
It’s labels like this that give wrestling a bad name. This branding screams late 80’s, and is the type of clichéd, pantomimic nonsense that non wrestling fans cite when ridiculing our beloved sport. I could very well have included Legion Of Doom in the same vein here, but at least they also went by the Road Warriors, which is way more awesome. It gets worse when you consider the two components that constituted the Powers were The Barbarian and The Warlord. Urgh. My body just cringed itself into oblivion.
Tags: Break The Walls Down, NWA, PCB