Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc., 09.06.05

You know, a lot of readers have written me, asking me to bash the Junta regarding the Katrina relief efforts. This time, I’m not needed. The mainstream media is doing quite a good job of it, thank you. You don’t need me to point out what a collection of evil bastards they are; every time one of their chimps from FEMA or DHS goes on camera, you can see it for yourselves. Dubbaya’s photo-op at the disaster site was enough of a disaster in itself for the Junta’s efforts to spin this one; I thought he was going to shit a brick when that reporter asked him if the fact that so many National Guard units from Louisiana and Mississippi were in Iraq might have had something to do with the horrid response.

So what can you do, other than contribute to the Red Cross, etc.? Something very simple. I’ll take an example from personal history. In 1978, Chicago was hit by massive snowstorms and was clearly unprepared for it. People died, and the Bilandic administration attempted a primitive version of spin. No one bought it. And in the next election, the late future Chief Justice Bilandic was out. Remember Katrina fourteen months from now, and vote Democrat to send a message to the Junta. You can’t put his ass out, but you can take control of Congress from him and his evil cabal.

I’d personally prefer to think of other news, actually. The best news, of course, is the fact that Rehnquist is now burning in hell with his buddies Nixon and Reagan. Oh, he’s got a LOT to answer for, and I’m certain that Satan’s already making sure of that. I’d like to think he’s being sodomized by the business end of a pro-choice sign. I would have been dancing in the street if my bad knee would have allowed it. Of course, now Dubbaya has two openings on the Supremes to deal with, and that’s scary. Let’s hope that the media is still on Katrina-level alert for bullshit coming from the White House when it comes to this issue. He will not get a free pass on this one, thank you. And he wants Roberts to be Chief Justice. Oh, the knives will come out, believe me, and thank God for that.

Unlike in this country, our allies and friends across the world are exercising democracy over the next week and a half. There are elections in three important countries that, I presume, most Americans wouldn’t know are happening. Egypt, for instance, has elections tomorrow, and for the first time, the contests will be multi-party. Of course, Mubarak will win, but it’s still a step in the right direction. The real test will come post-Mubarak, of course. However, if Egypt moves along the same lines as Turkey, it’ll show the world that democracy can take root in a mainly Islamic country and be functional and stable. Across the globe, it looks like status quo will be the term of the day in Japan later this week. Koizumi has discovered his Inner Clinton and been a demon on the stump. But, really, can’t you find a better celeb to hang around with than Richard Gere?

The real fun election right now is in my adopted homeland of Germany next week. Schroeder’s ass is grass; he’s managed to piss off the electorate big-time with a failing economy and high unemployment. But there seems to be a lot of hesitation in putting the Christian Democrats back into power. It’s become nasty. Over the weekend, there was a televised debate between Schroeder and Chancellor-In-Waiting Angela Merkel, and it got really intense. Merkel is like a low-key Thatcher, in that she hasn’t been banging the ideology too much on the stump, but he’s been running a poor campaign so far. She could have been smashed any number of times by the SPD if they’d had a goddamn clue of what to do (and did we really need Missus Schroeder going after Merkel for not having children and not being the “typical German woman”?). If Merkel takes a cue from Helmut Kohl and becomes a pragmatist instead of an ideological monster, I can probably stand her. If not, I can assure you that the G8 in 2009 will be must-see with both her and Hitlary there.

Ah, other things…I like the format of the Deutsche Bank and its Friday-Monday play. This year’s edition was even better because Tigger allowed everyone else into the tournament. Five guys in the lead going into the final round? I’m there. And congrats to Olin Browne for coming through with the W. He’s been having a hard time keeping his tour card the past few years, and this secures him his place for the next two years. Loads of upsets to open the college football season, but I’ll let the guys in Sports handle that. Venus beat Serena…sorta unexpected, but at least we won’t have to suffer through the Bling anymore. The two most popular men at the US Open, James Blake and Andre Agassi, get to face each other in the quarters. And, of course, the US qualified for the World Cup by beating the piss out of the Mexicans. Any time Mexicans have the piss beat out of them, I’m in favor.

And that’s it for this intro. Now on to the column…

THE PIMP SECTION

Lucard reworks some old material for your benefit, but any column that mentions Max Schreck has my vote.

Memo to Paul: guys don’t want relationships. They want pussy. Al Green will get you laid. Barry White is GUARANTEED to get you laid. Bjork is guaranteed to NOT get you laid. Period.

Basilo keeps watching shows that I don’t.

Wallace details more drinks you can slip roofies into.

Hatton, unlike me, watches Raw with friends. Hatton, unlike me, has friends.

Wills gets in his OVW TV recap.

Hatton also does our weekly Marvel recap now, if I didn’t mention that before. Stevens has always done our DC stuff, and thank God for him.

Zarur is still trolling for a new slot here once Heat goes off the air.

Morrison gets righteously pissed off about the response to Katrina. I’d go with him except that he quotes Aquinas.

Sutton does a retrospect of Luc Besson’s career as a filmmaker. He’s overrated.

Hevia agrees with me that 1bullshit Junior is run by a bunch of complete idiots.

Price does the left turns thing again.

Eagle knows that as a white Chicagoan, I would never argue with him on race relations.

AND IN OTHER NEWS…

Well, it’s now official. Milord and Big Johnson over at 1bullshit Junior are on crusade. As anyone with a brain could have figured out from the situation surrounding Buh Buh Ray and D-Von, Spike Dudley’s name is on the WWE kibosh list as well, and the 1bullshit Junior Boys are pissed, PISSED I SAY, over this fact. One more time, gentlemen: WWE owns the trademarks. The trademarks are theirs to do with as they wish. It doesn’t matter how long the guys have used the name, when they were created, etc. They don’t own the trademarks to them. If WWE doesn’t want them to use them, tough shit. And you (meaning Milord and Big Johnson) can’t do thing one about it. You’re not going to trigger some sort of mass audience response that will force WWE into releasing the trademarks. All you can do is piss and moan about it. And this allows us, the more intelligent and pragmatic in the audience, to laugh at your ass for not being able to pick your battles. So, hey, keep on doing it. Gets me more column material.

You kinda knew this was going to happen…Spike will be broadcasting a replay on Impact on Mondays at midnight ET. This would be an hour after Raw finishes on USA (minus any overrun). So, Monday wrestling on Spike isn’t dead by any means. Spike’s counting on a lot of people to not leave their TVs for the hour less overrun between the two in order to get ratings. If this works, will we see TNA on Mondays opposite Raw? Probably not, but you know that’s what some idiot on a whiteboard will start claiming.

Yeah, another week of jack and shit news-wise. You know, I said this would happen back in 2001 when Vince bought WCW. Maybe I should have realized what an impact that would have on me, but, hey, screw it. On to Raw…

THE SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Kurt Angle over Nick Dinsmore (Submission, AngleLock): Why exactly did we have to see this match again? Just so we’d be presented with the wonderful sight of Tomko now working as Angle’s insurance policy against Cena? Look, I like seeing the retard getting beat up, but I’d like it to be by someone other than Angle for a change.

Val Venis and Viscera over Romeo and Antonio (Pinfall, Viscera pins Romeo, Samoan drop): Here’s how f*cking sad the tag division on both shows is: teaming up Venis and Viscera is a good idea. They weren’t doing anything anyway, so why not? Besides, they’re getting pops…well, for now. It would have been a better idea had they been on Smackdown, where they’d at least have MNM and Regal and Burchill to screw around with. Heel turn coming? Possibly.

KC Evers (no relation) decides to concentrate on the losers:

More and more, the Heart Throbs are turning into a dancing version of Well Dunn. And hey, they’re jobbing to Mabel, too!

The dancing version of Well Dunn was Too Much/Too Cool. And we’re still suffering from that (see Scotty Go Potty). Ten years from now, Antonio will be a jobber on Smackdown’s secondary show and have some stupid finisher than he never hits. Do we need that? For that matter, does he need that?

Gene Snitsky over Matt Hardy (Pinfall, Like I Looked): An angle advancement match featuring two guys I don’t give a shit about…man, there’s nothing like a good book, is there? Oh, by the way, who was this an angle advancement match for, Edge/Hardy or Snitsky/TBS?

John Cena over Tyson Tomko (Pinfall, F-U): Okay, I get it. It’s one of THOSE nights. Every once in a while, WWE likes to broadcast an episode of Raw that’s specifically designed to cause me pain. What’s left? The chick match, Masters, Cade and Murdoch…oh, yeah, definitely a “cause pain” night. Screw you, WWE. I can make it through it. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again if necessary.

KC Evers (no relation) makes a good point:

Kurt Angle injures and damn near destroys Eugene, then attacks Cena. Doesn’t this make him a face for a chunk of the internet crowd?

Well, he’s a face to me. And you just can’t ignore those “Let’s Go, Angle” chants during his match with the retard. How they’re going to handle the crowd turning at Unforgiven and starting to cheer Angle is beyond me (it’ll happen, believe me). The one thing they can’t do, though, is turn Cena heel. The only way they can do this is if Trip comes back a face, and I doubt even he would allow that to happen.

The Ten-Buck Tramp over Ashley Massaro (Pinfall, X-Factor): Was anyone else expecting a Trish run-in? Was anyone else begging for a Trish run-in? Would everyone have accepted any woman who can wrestle to do a run-in? Too bad WWE only has one (or two) of them right now, huh? Goddamn, I’m missing Gail Kim more and more.

Rob Conway over Shelton Benjamin (Pinfall, Chavito-ference): The only match, the only friggin’ match, on this card that might have lessened the pain, and they pissed it away by having Chavito and his goddamn golf cart at ringside for the whole match, thus turning this into an angle advancement match. I love Benjy, I love Conway, I love Chavito, but I hate f*cking angle advancement matches.

Garri…Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch over Novocaine Helms and His Pet Fat Fuck (Pinfall, Murdoch pins Helms, top-rope bulldog): Oh, God, I knew it’d be bad, but this was just ugly beyond words. If memory serves, TeknoTeam 2000 had a better debut match than these guys. And the worst part is that they’re going to get the tag belts at Unforgiven. Well, if anyone still cared about the tag belts, that is.

Chris Masters over Shawn Michaels, MasterLock Challenge: Normally, being willing to put someone over is a positive. But, Shawn, this is Chris Masters we’re talking about. You know, sometimes you don’t have to demonstrate what a good company guy you are.

Angle Developments:

Caged Lack Of Heat: You can tell that the bookers and movers/shakers backstage are all old-fashioned wrestling guys, people like FatDust, Arn Anderson, Johnny Ace, etc. They’re the only ones who believe that a cage match is proper escalation from a Street Fight. Cage matches are nothing these days. Did anyone miss the fact that FatDust tried booking an entire PPV of cage matches in TNA and it didn’t work? So, Edge and Hardy will get it on inside a cage. Big f*cking deal. Aren’t they allowed to use the Cell or something?

Oh, Raw has so disheartened me. I think I’ll just knock it off here, grab some sleep, and see if my knee heals any. Until Saturday, I’ll be seeing you in all the old familiar places.