Add Homonym Attacks! #14
Ad Hominem: Appealing to personal considerations rather than to logic or reason.
Ad Hominem Attack: An argument that focuses on a personal attack as opposed to the subject in question.
Add Homonym Attacks!: The process by which one inserts a homophone and it bites you.
(It also serves as the title to Inside Pulse’s representative column in the world of Critical Thinking, Science and Skepticism.)
Intro
From James Randi’s website:
James Randi underwent bypass surgery last Thursday. He is currently in stable condition. He is receiving excellent care, but will need quiet time to recover. We will release more information as it becomes available, and we ask everyone to please respect the family’s wishes for privacy at this time.
For those who feel a need to help, please consider donating blood at your local Red Cross or Community Blood Center. Cards may be sent to Randi in care of JREF, 201 SE 12 Street, Fort Lauderdale, FL 33316.
I’m sure that he doesn’t want anybody’s prayers, but we here at AHA! wish him a speedy recovery.
As for this column, please forgive any typos. I am too in my head and too short of time to properly proofread.
Now let’s get on with it.
The Other Side of Jesus
Now a lot of people have a very narrow view of Jesus, both who he is and what he looks like. As for the latter, the bible is very unclear. We aren’t really given a physical description of Jesus in the bible. Christians tend to levitate towards the bearded Italian image of Jesus, but there are also depictions of Aryan Jesuses (Jesi?), black Jesuses, clean shaven Jesuses, etc. Cultural, for some reason, we just latched onto skinny bearded Italian Jesus. So it goes.
(The same can be said for angels. To the best of my knowledge angels are only mentioned as having wings once in the bible, and in that case it was 3 pairs of wings. As I recall, the wings came about to distinguish angels from saints, who are depicted with the gold circle behind their heads. I believe the paintings started angles off with butterfly wings, then later moved on to their current dove-like Warren Worthington state.)
As for the personality of Jesus, well, we tend to think of him as this laid-back guy, nice to animals, calmer than a Hindu cow, etc. There is this conception of him as the gentle and wise stoner.
But then the bible has to go and complicate things by occasionally making Jesus a bit of an ass. He’s always talking about how most people aren’t going to go to heaven, the gnashing of the teeth in hell, and so on and so on. Let us examine this Jesus character.
Jesus the Peacenik?
Jesus is the prince of peace right? He’s there on Earth to bring glory to God and peace to his people. Well, that’s what I thought. Let’s ask JC himself:
AHA!: J-dogg, you here to bring peace?
Jesus Holy Christ: Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division: For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three. (Luke 12:51-2)
AHA!: But I always though-
JHC:Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. (Matthew 10:34)
AHA!: A sword? Really?
JHC: He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one. (Luke 22:36)
Jesus can get really ornery.
Jesus and the Porkicide
Here is a story told in Matthew, Mark and Luke, in chapters 8, 5, and 8 respectively. The story goes like this: There is this naked guy possessed by demons. Jesus heals the man, sending the devils into a herd of pigs. The pigs, in turn, all go nuts and jump off of a cliff. All 2000 pigs die, mostly by drowning. The townsfolk hear about this thing and basically say, “Yeah, thanks a lot Jesus. Please go away.”
Now this is a story that is thrice told in the New Testament, but it doesn’t really make Jesus seem all that great. I mean, this seems like the sort of mistake that silver age Spider-man would make, not the king of kings. It makes me wonder. Did Jesus f*ck up? Does he just hate pigs? Or were the devils a little too much for him.
The whole thing is confusing to me. I mean I would expect this sort of thing from Heracles, but good ole JC?
Now, some advice from the Prince of Peace
Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.
And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.
(Matthew 18: 8-9)
Hey Jesus! Why do you speak in parables?
From the Gospel according to Mark:
4:10 And when he was alone, they that were about him with the twelve asked of him the parable. 4:11 And he said unto them, Unto you it is given to know the mystery of the kingdom of God: but unto them that are without, all these things are done in parables:
4:12 That seeing they may see, and not perceive; and hearing they may hear, and not understand; lest at any time they should be converted, and their sins should be forgiven them.
So is he intentionally being vague like a psychic? Or he leaving his teachings nebulous so more people can go to hell. I tried to contact Jesus about this one, but he doesn’t answer his phone ever.
So I instead talked to this guy Jesus who works at the shop where I take my car. He says that he doesn’t ever speak in parables, and “shit, dog, you need to change your oil.”
So there you go. Okay fine, not good enough eh? Well I called up Jesus’s dad to see if he could help me out with this sort of thing. He said that if Jesus is anything like him, and he is because they are the same guy, but not the same guy… Well God kinda rattled on for a while, he used a shamrock visual aid. It was all rather boring. But he basically supported the idea that Jesus uses parable to trick some folk into believing the wrong thing so that they will go to Hell. God has this hobby too. According to 2 Thesalonians 2:11-12: God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie:That they all might be damned who believed not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness.
Me, my hobby is ice-skating. And I’ve recently learned Filipino Mahjong.
More Advice From Jesus
Dear Jesus,
My child has been a huge sassmouth lately. What should I do about it?
Concerned in Topeka
Dear Concerned,
Whoso curseth father or mother, let him die the death. (Mark 7:9) That ought to end the sassmouth for good!
Your’s Holy
-JC
Jesus the Warrior
Let’s take a look at everyone’s favorite book of the New Testament, REVELATION!
1:13 … the Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle.
1:14 His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire; 1:15 And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace; and his voice as the sound of many waters. 1:16 And he had in his right hand seven stars: and out of his mouth went a sharp two-edged sword:
Wait he’s got a sword in his mouth? Figuratively right?
2:16 Repent; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will fight against them with the sword of my mouth.
That’s gotta hurt his teeth right?
Anyways in 19:11, Jesus makes war with clothes drenched in blood. The angels then serve a delicious feast of human flesh. Afterwards Jesus goes “Lord” of the rings on us.
19:21 And the remnant were slain with the sword of him that sat upon the horse, which sword proceeded out of his mouth: and all the fowls were filled with their flesh.
Man, you ever hold a form in your mouth? That JC is HARD freaking CORE.
Still More Advice From a Simple Carpenter
Dear Jesus,
I have recently found out that my wife has been cheating on me. I still love her, and don’t want my children to grow up in a broken home. What should I do? What would you (Jeus) do?
Cuckolded in Charlotte
Dear Cuckholded
What would I do? I’ll tell you what I will do! “Behold, I will cast her into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her into great tribulation, except they repent of their deeds. And I will kill her children with death;” (Revelation 2:22-3)
Glad to be of help
-JC
Outro
Well, I’m gonna finish up for now before I get hit by another bolt of lightning. No it isn’t Jesus silly. Thor is still thinks that I was too generous to Loki in the last AHA!
So it goes.
Special thanks go out to http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/index.htm which is a remarkale resource for these sorts of things.
Later gators.
