Pulse Wrestling Answers #029A

It’s all about the brevity this week, which means we might as well rename this week’s edition as the Bambi Weavil Appreciation Article. There are but three questions to be answered and only the one PPV to be ignored but before any of that let’s do some cheap pimpin’ for our TNA 5 Year Anniversary feature…

Scott Keith posted his recap of the very first TNA PPV from the 22nd June 2002, complete with praise for Sonny Siaki and ignorance of Chris Harris. It’s rather amusing to see how much some and how little others have changed in the course of five years. Take a gander at what has happened to those fateful souls who appeared on the inaugural show:

Mike Tenay – just the same, only drunker and more easily ignored
Ed Ferrera – writing a movie about midget secret agents; outlawed in Oklahoma
Don West – recently learned how to fasten his own shirt buttons
Bob Armstrong – last seen offending ethnic minorities
Bill Behrens – last seen still trying to ascertain who the f*ck Bill Behrens is
Ricky Steamboat – owns his own fake name again; getting far better money and treatment elsewhere
Jeff Jarrett – lost his wife but grew a fine head of hair
Jackie Fargo – possibly the name of some hard-boiled noir detective
Ken Shamrock – far too good for this nonsense now
Scott Hall – ate a baby
A.J. Styles – learned how to wear big-boy trousers
Low Ki – now called Senshi; still kicking things
Jerry Lynn – has not changed since 1988
Jimmy Yang – now has a wang
Jorge Estrada – no longer worships Elvis, may perhaps like Take That or fajitas
Sonny Siaki – still being Samoan in Florida, only with better prospects
Richard Johnson – first name can still be shortened to DICK
Rod Johnson – first name is still a euphenism for COCK
Psychosis – got arrested for nicking a car at water-gun point… which makes Juvi look like the sensible one, to be honest…
James Storm – f*cks an Asian chick, drinks beer, f*cks a black chick, drinks beer
Jeremy Borash – increased shirt collar width and Mean Gene vocal mannerisms
K-Krush – too black for Jeff Jarrett, John Cena and the USA, so off to Mexico he goes
Brian Christopher – still partying like it was 1999, bless ‘im
Christian York – retired for two whole years; recently lost to The Miz
Joey Matthews – lost his face, girlfriend, job and hair but can now have as many pills as he likes so woo
Stan Dupp – now being fat and wobbly under the tutelage of Dusty Rhodes
Bo Dupp – a history teacher, apparently
Toby Keith – writing a movie about giving beer to horses with Willie Nelson, which is frankly the greatest thing I have heard of in the past three minutes
Buff Bagwell – still in the closet
Lash LeRoux – peaked back in WCW in 2000, which says it all
Norman Smiley – now being paid to wiggle by curious Mexicans
Apolo – killed Scott Steiner’s throat in Puerto Rico, arrested for a week after missing child support payment… hmm…
Slash – put Velvet Revolver 2-0 up over Chinese Democracy, so far as I care to understand it
Del Rios – a town in both Texas AND California… or someone…
Justice – became a sitting duck world champion by another name
Konnan – threw shoes and hissy fits and left the country to get a new kidney and less irritating job
Alan Funk – presumably no longer gay
Rick Steiner – sells real estate, hopefully whilst barking
Malice – dead
Chris Harris – lost an eye and then found it
Vampire Warrior – still worth at least four Kevins
Devon Storm – still being a crowbar along the north-east coast
Steve Corino – finally lost the stupid hairdo

In short, other than AJ and perhaps AMW, nobody really benefitted all that much except Shamrock – and he had to leave to do it. Such impact!

Elsewhere, Flea has a drunken rant about TNA from five years ago. I’m not altogether sure what the message was meant to be but “damn” he sure did like pressing that “speech mark” key.

David Brashear was kind enough to look back on the brief history of the X Division Title. I’d love it if they stopped referring to the title holder as X Division Champion and just started calling them King Flippy. They could wear a crown with a big flippy, zippy, whippy thing on the top! Eat it, Cena!!

Then there’s href=http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/articles/68307/2007/06/20/five-years-later–a-brief-history-of-the-nwa-tna-tag-team-titles.html>yours
truly, with a retrospective on the NWA/TNA tag team titles. You’ll like it, there is a Khali match involved somehow. His opponent is dead but there is no blood on his hands! Curious? You should be.

Matt Quinn has some Khaliless comments on it:

“Hi Iain, just wanted to send some quick feedback on your history of the NWA: TNA tag titles. It was a great read, and brought back a lot of good memories. There were some amazing periods in the history of the belt and iconic teams. In retrospect, the most important teams in the history of the title have been pretty much untouched by the WWE or WCW, unlike the world title, thinking mostly of xXx, AMW, LAX, and Styles & Daniels (with the exception of Elix Skipper I guess). The only time where I was consistently buying the weekly PPVs was during the xXx/AMW feud because they guaranteed such good matches. I’ve always been a huge fan of tag team wrestling, and there were periods where TNA was hands down the promotion to look to for the best tag team action – although with the highs came the lows. Your article reminded me of a few periods that I had (intentionally, most likely) blanked out on, haha.

I still hope for a real revival in tag team wrestling on a national level, because although the potential is there, neither WWE nor TNA seem to be capitalizing. For my money ROH is where it’s at right now for tag team wrestling, with amazing champions in the Briscoes and lots of great challengers, regularly stealing the show. Anyway, great article and a nice trip through memory lane.”

As I have said on many occasions since I first said it ten seconds ago, WWE would be best served by just having one set of tag title belts and hoisting them above any insipid brand-specific status. Hell, they should do the same with the WWE Championship too. They got it right the first time around when they split the rosters in 2002. There is the ever-so-slightly obvious hint that the only team they have that the fans genuinely want to see are the Hardys, which they refused to reunite on any one brand despite having had them team up regularly since November. If the titles were open to Raw, Smackdown and ECW teams then that would see the Hardys, Cade & Murdoch, Deuce & Domino, Benjamin & Haas, London & Kendrick, Cryme Tyme, the Highlanders, the Majors and even the New Breed all striving to reach the same goal. Et voila – a competitive division. They could all still stay on their respective brands if necessary but whoever holds the belts would get to turn up wherever they like and ping peanuts at whatever opponents they want. Any two wrestlers from any two brands would be able to team up and go after the belts if they liked, which would give them an easy way in to building inter-brand matches and feuds. Example: Batista and Ric Flair win the tag titles again (as they surely will do anyway) but then Triple H and Shawn Michaels decide to come and have a go as they think they’re hard enough. Et voila – money match. I do like saying “voila”. I say it out loud when I type it. Then I giggle. I’ve revealed too much. FOURTH WALL! FOURTH WALL!

Do you think Dusty Rhodes has sexy parties at his house in which Cade and Murdoch have to come over, get naked, put the prematurely-made ECW Tag Team Championship belts on and then feed him chicken? I do… then again, I’ve clearly got problems…

OR just end the brand extension on TV and just keep the separate touring rosters so the house show numbers stay up… like they did twenty years ago… before all that unwarranted tinkering began…

Shall I answer some questions?

First, a video:


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Come on, discipline me! Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle– my God, I really do have problems, don’t I?

Gregory Guity has a coupla questions this time:

“Hello Iain…I have a coupla questions this time:

1) There seems to be a lot of rumblings that the WWE is prepping Matt Hardy vs. Edge over at the Smackdown brand. Whether this is actually going to happen, my question is: what does Matt Hardy need to do in order to cross the line from just a challenger to a viable champion?

2) Was there ever supposed to be a Mr. Perfect/Hulk Hogan title feud that would’ve led to an actual PPV match? I remember watching Perfect smash Hogan’s title belt on Saturday Night’s Main Event, and Hogan’s subsequent “You cut me to the bone, man! You spit in Hulkamania’s face!” promo had me praying I’d get to see Hogan make him pay.

3) What are some WWF or WCW/NWA title matches that you would count amongst the most underrated? Say, five from each promotion? Some of the top of my head that I would count: Barry Windham vs. 2 Cold Scorpio (NWA title), Windham/Rhodes vs. Gordy/Williams (Tag Belts), Perfect vs. Tito Santana (IC – SNME) and Savage vs. Roberts (IC – SNME)

And last but not least…this is more for my curiosity regarding a personal project I’m trying to get off the ground: 4) Would you buy a wrestling video game that looked like this?

Take it easy!”

Ah, numbers. My countable sanctity.

#1 – He needs to carry on working as hard and as well as he has been doing this year, keep his backstage behaviour upbeat and professional, suck up to Michael Hayes as much as possible without it coming across as hollow, make a few helpful storyline suggestions in the company of creative and give them the credit for them should they pitch them, not lose his temper with Edge under any circumstances, not let his personal life overlap with his professional life to any great extent (Ashley being off for Survivor should help in this), ask Hayes and Flair and JBL and Stephanie and anybody else high-up to give him pointers about how to improve his game and most specifically his promo work, make a point of watching the monitors backstage at shows and studying tapes and discussing them with the agents, come up with some new merchandise designs and catchphrases that the crowd can latch onto, never write anything even remotely scandalous on the internet ever again, and most importantly of all – refrain from complaining. If he can do all of that then all else that he can do is hope that certain people in management will be keener to take a chance on him as a main event attraction. As things stand there is a lack of face challengers for Edge on Smackdown, which means Hardy is quite likely to get at least one PPV title match at some point – perhaps even as soon as the Great American Bash, which WWE always seems apathetic about anyway. If it leads to anything more than that I’ll be most surprised… but pleasantly so… like when you randomly turn on The Simpsons and it turns out to be a funny one with a lot of Phil Hartman…

#2 – So far as I’m aware there were never any plans for a major Hogan/Perfect PPV match, although they did culminate the Royal Rumble 1990 together. Their feud was more just about killing time as Hogan needed to go into WrestleMania VI looking strong, as did WOYAH, but he had done all he could get away with against the likes of Dibiase and Savage and, er, Zeus. Perhaps at one point they considered running Hogan/Perfect at WM6 but after the massive pop for the Hogan/WOYAH confrontation during the aforementioned Rumble their fears over doing a face/face main event were laid to rest and it was all systems go.
Still, Perfect’s profile got a huge raise simply by being associated with Hogan, not to mention getting one over on him by smashing the belt up, and he moved swiftly into a feud with Hogan’s hetero (?) life-mate Brutii Beefcake and then WOYAH’s Intercontinental Title. Not too shabby. And many years later they got to headline an XWF show together!!!!!!!!

#3 – Hmm.

– Bret Hart vs Shawn Michaels (WWF Championship, Survivor Series 1992) Everybody remembers their encounter five years later, plus that love it or loathe it Iron Man Match, but hardly anybody seems to pay much attention to this one, not even at the time. A shame too, since it was by far their best singles match with one another.

– British Bulldog vs Owen Hart (WWF European Title, Raw, March 1997) People remember the Hart Foundation reunion but the actual match that sparked it off more often than not falls by the wayside. Hopefully this will make it onto a WWE’s Best Bunch of Random Stuff DVD at some point in the future as it really was terrific.

– Bret Hart vs The Undertaker (WWF Championship, One Night Only 1997) So underrated that the WWF cut it out of the home video release in the States! Shoddy!

– Dean Malenko vs Scotty 2 Hotty (WWF Light-Heavyweight Title, Backlash 2000) Hey, remember when they cared about the cruiserweights? No? Good, because they never. Malenko clearly got a bit grumpy about this and went out to have a fan-f*cking-tastic match here. He succeeded. Jolly well done. One for the Best of Scotty 2 Hotty compilation.

– Chris Benoit vs Finlay (WWE United States Title, Judgement Day 2006) Everyone falls over themselves to bestow MOTY honours upon strange Japanese fellas or an ROH person being in the ring for over half an hour, or a TNA guy flipping a lot, or a WWE main eventer ODing on spectacle. Sometimes there really is nothing better than a couple of talented midcarders on a regular WWE card knocking new lumps onto one another’s heads.

– Steve Austin & Brian Pillman vs Ric Flair & Arn Anderson (WCW World Tag Team Titles, Clash of the Champions XXIII) In the grand pantheon of legendary Austin and Flair matches little attention has been given to their brief tag team encounters in WCW. This was two-out-of-three falls and was a highlight of a feud that could have led to VERY different developments in the future had WCW management not cocked it all up in that very special way of theirs.

– Chris Benoit vs Jeff Jarrett (WCW United States Title, Starrcade 1999) I remember enjoying it at the time… or was it their other match from the Mayhem PPV the month before? Either way, it was full of Canadian goodness and Jeff’s tight silver shorts, so there.

#4 – Not really, but then again I wouldn’t buy a wrestling video game unless WWE got their arse in gear and made one for the Wii, so don’t take it personally. If I can’t fling my arms about with gay abandon as Hillbilly Jim does cartwheels then why bother?


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Mmm. What’s goin’ on in my pants? Looks like we got six more weeks of winter!

Homercutio has memory holes the size of Sam Beckett:

“For some reason, this one’s been rattling around in my brain for awhile. Please help me excise it. There’s only so much wrestling related crap I should be carrying around up there. Anyway; is there any reason why the Steiner Brothers were pretty much buried during their WWF run? There are holes in my viewing of the WWF in 1993 because, well, it was the WWF in 1993, but I remember they got a big push upon arrival culminating in winning the tag titles, jobbed said belts to the Quebecers, and were pretty much gone from WWF TV when I actually started watching wrestling in late ’93/early ’94 (although they did main event Survivor Series ’93. Along with Luger and Ludvig Borga, the eco-terrorist). Is there some reason why they fell out of favor with Vince, and could it possibly be as entertaining as Scott’s career implosion in 2003? I’m guessing not, but I can always hope.

Also, how much better would WWE 24/7 be if they did one of those wrestling roundtable shows with Scott Steiner, Dusty, WOYAH, Randy Savage, and Sid as panelists? They could call it Incoherent Legends of Wrestling. Have JR moderate this one, too, if only so that he can feel better about no one understanding his home spun witticisms.

Also the second; is it just me, or is one of TNA’s seemingly endless problems that they don’t have a clear cut place in the wrestling landscape? They’re not the alternative to WWE (ROH seems to have that title sewn up) or any real kind of competition for it. With Russo around, any kind of coherence is probably a lost cause anyway. Maybe they would be a better place for my Incoherent Legends idea. But really, wouldn’t things be a lot better if they chose a direction for their shows beyond “short wrestling matches between Christian and Angle promos and things that amuse Vince Russo”? Even if it was just an hour of Christian and AJ Styles wacky adventures?

I think that does it with the wrestling minutia I needed to get out of my system. I have just the right amount of minutia, despite the fact that you reminded me of GI Bro.”

The world needs more G.I. Bro:

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The Steiner Brothers quit WCW in November 1992. Tension had been brewing between them and management for a while beforehand, which was brought to a head when the ever-calm Bill Watts said he would negotiate with Rick but not Scott. That may well feel like the sensible thing to do so far as some people are concerned, but it led to them both jumping ship rather than signing new contracts and they appeared in the WWF the following month. However, despite their reputation, the old adage about needing to be a Vince McMahon concept to be allowed to get over in the WWF came to pass. A few comments from Rick Steiner about his spell in the WWF with Scott – “Well, I can always look back and wonder what we could’ve done or what we could’ve did better, this and that…but the timing I think was bad when we went up there, when Vince was going through all the drug stuff, half his employees taking minors across borders, he was being indicted by the grand jury for all the drug use, and everything going on in the WWF. They had some doctor there on call testing the guys periodically. So I just think it was bad timing, it was a bad time to be up there, and business was kind of down then. My brother and I, we did alright, I just don’t think (Vince’s) full attention was on wrestling at that time and the business kind of suffered up there during that time.”

They won the tag titles from Money Inc on Raw on the 14th June 1993 but dropped them at a house show on the 16th. However, the Steiners reclaimed them at a house show on the 19th so it’s up to you whether you want to count the brief change or not. They lost them good and proper on the 13th September, again on Raw, to the Quebecers via DQ in a ‘Province of Quebec Rules’ match, which basically means DQs lead to title changes too. After that they did precious little other than pat Lex Luger’s buttocks now and then. At the 1994 Royal Rumble there was meant to be an angle where the pair started fighting one another during the match, only they didn’t go along with it and thus pissed off management to such an extent that Men on a Mission were on the WrestleMania X card and the Steiners were not. Far be it from me to point out the irony of the Steiner brothers refusing to fight each other on a show where the Hart brothers were gearing up to do just that… except I just did. Ooops. Anyway, none of that is as interesting as any of Scott’s tumbling ‘n’ grumbling in 2003 but he did have a mullet at the time, which compensates slightly.

Now, TNA. Let’s be honest here – in this day and age there is no way for any North American wrestling promotion to succeed to any significant degree more than TNA is at the moment. Between WWE’s dominance, the overcrowded PPV market, the lack of overseas options, the internet helping out the niche promotions greatly and a lack of available big names, they’ll find it practically impossible to break the 2.0 ratings barrier on a regular basis – if ever. When WCW was forged in the misty mountains of the southern realms they had a passionate and sizeable existing fanbase, with a solid core of wrestlers who had been built up into must-see commodities for several years in front of those fans, which in turn helped the best of them become national stars too. Only THEN did the loopy financial backer come in and only THEN did they start to make any real headway against the McMahons. TNA’s core fanbase consists of about a thousand drunks in Orlando and a few hundred more in Nashville. Their loopy financial backer is miniscule in comparison to Turner or McMahon, although does look rather more fetching in a tight pair of jeans. They have no chance of making any headway as the only names who could possibly help them increase their audience are the likes of Cena and Mysterio and even if for some absurd reason they did jump ship they’d have a non-compete clause, be buried on the way out and by the time they did debut in TNA the audience would have had cock rammed up their arse and down their throat by the product anyway.

That leads onto the big problem, which is not the matter of how well they succeed but how well they try to succeed. The show is a shambles. It is promoted as the new face of professional wrestling yet the direction is one WWE frankly outgrew many years ago. A few suggestions… get rid of Vince Russo as even if he is not solely responsible for dreck like Abyss/Sting he brings little more than negative reactions from too many people; overhaul the entire creative team and place it under the thumb of either Jim Cornette or Paul Heyman; ramp up the number of house shows greatly but put on no more than 8 PPVs a year; stop hiring each and every ex-WWE person who becomes available and at the very least stop pushing them all so much; replace Don West with Kevin Nash and revive the X Division into a talking point rather than an unfunny joke; convince Jeff Jarrett that he should no longer be a regular on-air presence; since WWE seems to be doing precious little for it at the moment, expand into the passionate, loyal, lucrative, Hispanic demographic as much as possible; get a second hour for Impact but don’t add anymore content to it, merely expand what is already there, particularly the matches; revamp the website and use a more legitimate tone than the kayfabe voice WWE.com has; stop thinking of WWE as competition and start worrying about ROH instead; keep storyboards for all the characters, map out storylines in advance and use the charts to cross-reference whenever best suited; give Joe a shot at being the lynchpin… go on… it couldn’t make things worse…

Or – wacky adventures. Reinvent Wacaday with Christian and Tomko, using Rhino as Mallet’s Mallet. Hmm.


A Draft Lottery Between Two MSN Gentlemen:

The following is what happens when two MSN gentlemen decide to ignore ECW and re-draft WWE into their own two brands. These fine chaps were smart enough to remove John Cena from the equation and restore the WWE Championship to its rightful supra-brand status. Everybody else was fair game and there was no random computer image generator involved.

Chevy says:
Would you happen to be there?

Zomig says:
Cooee
http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/articles/68368/2007/06/24/rasslin-roundtable-for-wwe-vengeance.html

Chevy says:
Yay

Zomig says:
Woo

Chevy says:
Read your roundtable thing. Awesome. Gimme 2 ticks. Right then. I watched Slammiversary. Finished it this afternoon. The main event is really rather good. Certainly on a par with any other match this year so far.

Zomig says:
Kurt is his own transitional champ cos he’s cool

Chevy says:
Kurt looked good in the ring. Christian too. Joe not so much. AJ always looks good. Harris looked pretty good too

Zomig says:
In a bikini. Would have been rather interesting if they had just shoved the belt on Harris.

Chevy says:
I like that they didn’t. I don’t like the the mystery guy wins so much. The crowd would have pissed on it too.

Zomig says:
Especially when he never qualified

Chevy says:
And also, what a complete way to say FUCK YOU to Joe. Although I really don’t see the appeal. He’s a decent wrestler, no doubt, but his interviews are no better than most and he looks like a dogs dinner.

Zomig says:
50-50 on him getting it off Kurt at Big Friendly Giant

Chevy says:
At this point, they’ve neutered him so much that he’s not worth the belt.

Zomig says:
Wow, that would be such a great new gimmick for Gary…

Chevy says:
The best thing they could do would be to feed him to Angle, who is looking like something special again.

Chevy says:
What, a neuterologist?

Zomig says:
A Big Friendly Giant!

Chevy says:
I like it.

Zomig says:
He helps old ladies cross the street

Chevy says:
Then we could hire Ron Reis and have him as the Fleshlumpeater. But dress him up as Dracula SWERVE.

Zomig says:
He gets the answer to the crossword puzzle that stumps others

Chevy says:
He’s alarmingly good at Sudoku

Zomig says:
He takes little girls from their bedrooms at night

Chevy says:
and sews them dresses; haute couture

Zomig says:
GWAR. You paying for Vengeance by the way?

Chevy says:
So, you’re taking Gary next in the draft, I presume? No, leaving it.

Zomig says:
Good man

Chevy says:
Only three matches interest me enough to make me think about it. Benoit vs Punk, MVP vs Flair, Melina vs Candice. Believe it or not, I’m not joking about the last.

Zomig says:
I have a theory that Batista and Flair will challenge the greasy scrubbers for the tag belts

Chevy says:
That’s the exact theory I had

Zomig says:
Depending on when it’s on the card, of course

Chevy says:
I figure that Flair and MVP open or go second, Edge and Dave go on mid-way, and Doozy and Dozy go on second from top.

Zomig says:
And then Melina and Candice?

Chevy says:
I guess

Zomig says:
coochfight!!

Chevy says:
Candice is good. She’s pretty much my second favourite wrestler right now. Mainly because she shows so much enthusiasm

Zomig says:
Candice Michelle Punk. THERE’S a gimmick change.

Chevy says:
Ah, but WHO changes? Candice OR Phil OR BOTH – ha SWERVE KENNEDY

Chevy says:
0

Chevy says:
9

Chevy says:
Lol

Zomig says:
So I have Edge and you have Hs.

Chevy says:
Yes, I have a spreadsheet going too, so I shall tabulate

Zomig says:
Groovy

Chevy says:
Right then sir, name your poison

Zomig says:
I believe I shall 619 myself with Rey Mysterio

Chevy says:
I shall partake of Chris Benoit please

Zomig says:
mmmmmmm MVP for me

Chevy says:
Nuts. I’m having The Undertaker

Zomig says:
sexychrist HBK

Chevy says:
His DAVEness

Zomig says:
Matt Hardy, I presume

Chevy says:
You shithead, that was my next pick.

Zomig says:
Glorious. Could always offer me a trade later…

Chevy says:
Yes, that might be appropriate. I shall take C. Michelle Punk (PHIL)

Zomig says:
Was also my next pick

Chevy says:
Tit

Zomig says:
Let’s get ready to LOL….. Kennedy

Chevy says:
Paul London thankyouverymuch

Zomig says:
GURNING LIKE A COCK EATER

Chevy says:
Just like one. I didn’t notice myself

Zomig says:
It was hilarious. He’s turning into Dave Grohl. And I’m having Finlay

Chevy says:
Dave Grohl rules. DAMN YOU, I *knew* I should have taken him before London!

Zomig says:
My, we do think alike

Chevy says:
We seem to. Johnny Nitro

Zomig says:
Might as well get me a tag team… Jeff Hardy

Chevy says:
Marcus Cor Von thanks

Zomig says:
Really? Him? Ok. Elijah for me.

Chevy says:
Yeah, he’s fun. Elijah is fun too but less. His music is less smooth.

Zomig says:
But he has shellsuits

Chevy says:
A fair point, but he plays too much PS3 and will be a backstage nuisance. Plus, the shellsuits

Zomig says:
Who the f*ck is Sylvester Terkay?

Chevy says:
I’m not certain. Are you serious? Oh, and Charlie Haas, by the way

Zomig says:
No, I was singing it..

Chevy says:
Oh, excellent. The odd things is as follows: I took all 80 wrestlers and broke them down into four tiers, top tier being those I’d like to get my hands on the most, fourth being the shitheap I don’t give a crap about. Thus far, everyone from the top tier has gone, only 7 from the second tier remain and you’ve only taken 1 person from my third and fourth tier. So we *do* think a lot alike!

Zomig says:
I just hope someone picks Miz before Orton.

Chevy says:
But the headlocks

Zomig says:
For now, I’m picking Mr Soft Spoken

Chevy says:
Won’t someone think of the children? There’s your second third tier guy

Zomig says:
But but but a heel turn and MVP and Elijah and racial alliances…

Chevy says:
I’d better take Shelton Benjamin now and stop your backstage area turning into Gamesmaster (with Patrick Moore playing a xylophone). Piss time.

Zomig says:
He must have gotten laid from hosting that show. Snack time. And BOOKAH.

Chevy says:
By Jet.

Zomig says:
Jet? From Gladiators?

Chevy says:
Mickie James please

Zomig says:
She made me feel warm

Chevy says:
Yes, Jet from Gladiators. She was the Games Mistress. Stick Diana Youdale in a google search and watch as no porn comes up.

Zomig says:
Lol

Chevy says:
ROLF

Zomig says:
Willy Regal

Chevy says:
Victoria. I hope your snack is nutritous.

Zomig says:
Goodie, signed back in. Computer is thick.

Chevy says:
So is King Bookah. What was the last pick? To your recollection?

Zomig says:
Victoria for you

Chevy says:
Good good, over to you.

Zomig says:
SPANKY. You there?

Chevy says:
Yep, sorry, cat crisis. In that I couldn’t find her. Still haven’t.

Zomig says:
That wily minx

Chevy says:
She’s bound to be around here somewhere. I shall take Lance Cade

Zomig says:
I’ll have Wang

Chevy says:
I bet you will. I shall cave in and ply my show with headlocks

Zomig says:
Loser

Chevy says:
I have Randy Orton, who’s the loser NOW?? Yeah, me, I know

Zomig says:
I’ll not have Miz…

Chevy says:
I have Triple H to police him though. I thought you might pass on Miz

Zomig says:
Slim pickings now…

Chevy says:
You realise you didn’t put Kelly Kelly, Brooke Brooke and Layla Layla in the list? We’d better start again

Zomig says:
They go everywhere. I’ll have a Hurricane

Chevy says:
And often. Saggy man breasts for me please

Zomig says:
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Pelicans

Chevy says:
Hoh yes. Good job we separated Benoit and MVP. I think *that* was why they moved him to ECW.

Zomig says:
Dox Hendrix kept giving him pills that made him see pelicans

Chevy says:
Good ridance, he can’t cut a promo

Zomig says:
Are you having an Evolution reunion over there?

Chevy says:
Now I am

Zomig says:
Jings

Chevy says:
I’m also going to add Paul London and Lance Cade and The Undertaker. And Charlie Haas. But not Shelton Benjamin.

Zomig says:
Never

Chevy says:
He has his own stable with Marcus Cor Von and a bucket of chicken and waffles. Their gimmick is that they’re negros

Zomig says:
An’ his momma! I’ll be odd and take Ave Maria

Chevy says:
And because of their negrocity, their opponents only have to keep them down for a 2 count to win the match. And if they put a submission on the match is over because it’s assumed the black feller will give up instantly.

Zomig says:
Back again, wee

Chevy says:
Did you cop my comment about the 2 counts?

Zomig says:
And the referee is a white man who gets them to shine his shoes before and after the match. And during. Yes.

Chevy says:
But never after. Candice Michelle Punk please.

Zomig says:
Do you realise the INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION is still available?

Chevy says:
Very much so. So are the World Tag Team Champions

Zomig says:
Who?

Chevy says:
Sorry, the WWE tag team champions. And one half of the World Tag Champs.

Zomig says:
Who?

Chevy says:
Stop playing silly f*ckers. That should be their name.

Zomig says:
Awesome

Chevy says:
Mike. Dead. Dead Awesome. That’s funny. And sick. Whodja want?

Zomig says:
I’m having Kenny Dicksucka

Chevy says:
To team with Wang? OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOmaga please.

Zomig says:
I just want him to leap in front of ROLF during promos and yell “KENNY!!!” and leg it

Chevy says:
As good a use as you’re going to get for him

Zomig says:
For now

Chevy says:
Probably for ever. I hate that kid.

Zomig says:
I’ll hate Jillian Hall

Chevy says:
Excellent, I’ll take Michelle McCool

Zomig says:
She looks like the new Hyatt

Chevy says:
Backstage or onstage?

Zomig says:
In general. Appearance.

Chevy says:
Heard anystuff?

Zomig says:
Nah, only in my head

Chevy says:
Did she nosh them all off? Except Shelton. Never Shelton.

Zomig says:
I COME LIKE A… WRESTLING… GOD…

Chevy says:
Wonderful

Zomig says:
No, Orlando, get back! Back!!

Chevy says:
Choose

Zomig says:
Oh yeah. Bit of Kane then.

Chevy says:
I shall have Mark Henry and his amazing bearhug

Zomig says:
Really squeezes the chicken out of you

Chevy says:
and the waffles and all. Except Shelton, never Shelton.

Zomig says:
I’ll take Kevin for a stroll

Chevy says:
I shall have Gary and Snatchikins

Zomig says:
Noooo my preciousss

Chevy says:
Obviously why you left it until the 20th pick to think about taking him…

Zomig says:
I’ll have Fat Foley for special occasions

Chevy says:
The useful one from Cryme Time, JTG

Zomig says:
I’ve still never seen them wrestle, can’t remember their names and have no idea what they look like

Chevy says:
They’re negroes. They all look alike.

Zomig says:
My negroes are better than your negroes

Chevy says:
The only good negro is a dead negro. I sincerely hope nobody else is seeing this and, if they are, realise that I’m totally joking.

Zomig says:
I’m upping my ethnic quotient with Daivari. So I don’t get to pad the column out with this and give you a pseudonym?

Chevy says:
I think it’s best to take out the racial slurs but then put the rest in.

Zomig says:
That’s fine

Chevy says:
At least, *most* of the racial slurs.

Zomig says:
But not Shelton’s

Chevy says:
Never Sheltons

Zomig says:
DOWN WITH WHITE PEOPLE

Chevy says:
Man, that made you so angry it knocked you offline! I need a piss.

Zomig says:
Water for me. One’s an inny, one’s an outy!

Chevy says:
Wonderful. Scraping the barrel, I will take Chav Guerrero. And the Cruiserweight title

Zomig says:
He’s a CHAVMAN! Dundun!

Chevy says:
He loves to love them. He’s gonna stick ’em.

Zomig says:
It’s okay, I’m awarding them with a shiny penny. They’re all Mexican anyway, they’ll love it.

Chevy says:
Did nobody ever stop and say “hang about, this Gunn bloke’s music is all about anal burglary”?

Zomig says:
Yes. That’s why he had to touch Chuckles.

Chevy says:
So, took them 4 years then? That’s quite good for them.

Zomig says:
Above average, yeah

Chevy says:
Whodja want?

Zomig says:
Knob Knobbling Noble Knobber

Chevy says:
“Chubby” Murdoch for me

Zomig says:
Argh, you bastard

Chevy says:
Ho ho chuckle

Zomig says:
Indeed. Chuck Palumbo’s bike.

Chevy says:
Again, lulling me into a false sense of security by waiting this long for blokes you want is probably not smart

Zomig says:
No, I just had a sudden idea of teaming Knoble with him. Alas.

Chevy says:
Blob Holly. He put on weight.

Zomig says:
Sandbagman

Chevy says:
He can be Marcus’ chicken and waffles cook

Zomig says:
(Note: I am not picking Sandman) Yet

Chevy says:
But not Shelton. You know the rest. Are you picking Sandman or not?

Zomig says:
No, Melina

Chevy says:
Oh, I see. Because of Brock and his superhappyfunbomb

Zomig says:
Happyhappyjoyjoy

Chevy says:
That should have been his music. I *will* take the Sandman

Zomig says:
With clapping orphans singing it

Chevy says:
And Shelton. Always Shelton

Zomig says:
I’ll take Boogey

Chevy says:
That’s the spirit, never give up. And on that note, I’ll have Chris Masters

Zomig says:
Let’s go steroids… Carlito then, woo

Chevy says:
Interestingly enough, out of the 32 people I had in the 4th tier, only 7 have been taken. 8 now. Balls Mahoney.

Zomig says:
His gimmick change shall replace apples with, uh, branston pickle

Chevy says:
How about DILL pickle for PPV? Or Mango Chutney

Zomig says:
No, no, it would only send false hope to Shelton

Chevy says:
I think it would be good if Carlito had microwave mac and cheese

Zomig says:
I’ll take Pal Penis hahaha pun. A Pot Noodle! That’s the one!

Chevy says:
That way, when people piss him off, he can spit things at them that are scalding hot and it’ll hurt. Sure, it’ll hurt Carlito more because he’ll have to put it in his mouth.

Zomig says:
He’s lazy enough, they could have him just order a pizza at ringside

Chevy says:
And of course, he’ll have to ask the rude fellow to wait three minutes for the microwave to go ping but it’s worth considering… And then play videogames until it’s delivered?

Zomig says:
Carlito broke my internet

Chevy says:
That’s not cool. Only Chuck Norris may break the internet. You know Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Zomig says:
Oh, he broke your internet too!

Chevy says:
No, that was Chuck Norris

Zomig says:
JARRRRREEEEEETTTTTT

Chevy says:
Continuing with the Penis thing, I’ll take Nunzio’s Nob followed not so swiftly by Nunzio. Jarrett’s wife called him Jarrett.

Zomig says:
I show disdain for the lot of them and take Kristal

Chevy says:
The bit they did about her at Slammiversary was quite good. The crowd all did the “thank you Jeff” bit and that was probably the first time ever.

Zomig says:
Was there a “This is awesome” chant? Cos if there wasn’t….

Chevy says:
I wonder if he thought about offing his kids to really get some good face pops?

Zomig says:
No, think long term. If he beats them enough they’ll get disabilities!

Chevy says:
Man, you’re doing well in building a useless bitch division on your show! Excellent work! Matt Striker and his semi

Zomig says:
I have a negroette

Chevy says:
I have a man with paisley tights and some teak therein

Zomig says:
I have Steven Richards. The internet likes my show now.

Chevy says:
I’ll have Miz

Zomig says:
All hail king miz

Chevy says:
I’m going to put him over Hunter to swerve the internet

Zomig says:
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Chevy says:
So, Ashley?

Zomig says:
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Chevy says:
Snitsky???

Zomig says:
U-S-A-U-S-A-U-S-A and snot

Chevy says:
Funaki????!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zomig says:
Eh?

Chevy says:
Nothing. I’ll take the IC belt. And the dickhead wearing it.

Zomig says:
ha, loser

Chevy says:
His music is neat. Plus, I get the IC title. That’s the only reason.

Zomig says:
He reminds me of pasta

Chevy says:
He reminds me of what pasta becomes after ingestion

Zomig says:
Retarded Superman Eugene for me

Chevy says:
Retarded James Bond Viscera for me

Zomig says:
Did you not hear? He’s going to be One Man Gang II now or something

Chevy says:
What?! Eh. What’s the point?

Zomig says:
Meh. Supercrazyf*cker

Chevy says:
Tommy. Who is going to be repackaged

Zomig says:
Repo Man?

Chevy says:
He’s going to love men from the Eastern Bloc. Commie Creamer.

Zomig says:
ROLF

Chevy says:
9

PULSE WRESTLING ANSWERS CONTINUES IN PART 2…

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