Alright, I’m going to cut right to the chase this week. Makeovers. M-A-K-E-O-V-E-R-S (add in the nineteen-million exclaimations afterward if you wish). That’s right. The one episode of this show where the screams and giggles can be heard in every single household across the country. Yes, girl, you know damn right that Daddy is taking a break from football to see what kind of weave his girl Isis is going to get! Damn straight!
Anyway, this week Tyra decided that she needed to shoot the show’s credibility in the foot a little bit more by embarrassing herself in a fairy godmother getup that only the best of drag queens could have cooked up, her excuse for wearing the outfit this week was so she could bestow the models with makeovers . Something tells me we could have done without more of Tyra’s “look at me” antics to give the makeovers, but this is the world of Top Model, where nothing makes sense. Ever.
And if imagining Tyra in a whimsical fairy godmother getup (complete with magic wand!) hasn’t already got you all hot and bothered, just wait until you hear what happened to set up that ridiculous scenario the producers came up with to segway into the makeovers the girls so desperately needed.
Be forewarned, for what I’m about to explain to you could possibly cause a joyous “Oh my god what the *beep* just happened” feeling equivalent to that of the Janet Jackson’s infamous “Did I just see titty!?” moment at the superbowl.
Alright, here we go. Tyra decided to call a meeting (alright, she called it a “Princess Party”) in the living room for all the girls, where she fed them pizza and talked a bit (who am I kidding?) about herself (shocking!) for a while. Then we were treated to Miss J showing up in the most ridiculously-hilarious witch costume I’ve ever seen. Miss J then presented said apple to Tyra, who ate it (with quite a bit of disgusting juice falling out of her mouth, might I add) and promptly *gasp* fainted!
What happens next is possibly the most embarrassing moment the show has ever witnessed (aside from letting Whitney win) when Mr. Jay arrives dressed as what I guess is the equivalent to something Disney would have created if Robin Hood had actually been more about gay cosplay rather than stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. Jay proclaims himself as Tyra’s one true love, vowing to wake her up with a kiss. Yes. You read that correctly. A kiss (yes, my mind blew up a little bit too). Jay then actually proceeds to pucker up and plant one right on Tyra’s mouth *cue explosions*. Tyra then wakes up and tells the girls she has amnesia (which apparently turns her into the Makeover Fairy the next day) and is whisked away by Mr. Jay, who clearly struggles to hold Tyra up as he prances away. I told you. Only on ANTM.
The next day the models receive their makeovers, which, for the most part were boring and contrived. But then you’d get a totally random and jacked up one like Elina’s. I mean seriously. That girl’s face was just begging for long, straight hair (no, not literally a’la Jade’s magazine-flipping obsession “long hair *flip* long hair”), so they decide to shave Carrot Top’s pubic mound off and sew it atop her head instead. Yes, you read that correctly. They gave Elina curly shoulder-length red hair. Why? I’ll never know.
None of the other makeovers touched the insanity that was Elina’s, and for the most part they helped elevate or bring down their respective girl’s look. Clark’s comes to mind here, seeing as they didn’t really do much except dye it brown (however hard they tried, they couldn’t bleach out the bitch in her, though), and Sheena’s was ruined by blonde highlights running down her newly-streamlined, long hair.
Aside from makeovers, other drama was brought about by Brittany of all people. Seriously, this girl was starting to grow on me, but I had no idea she was a judgemental and uber-insane bitch! I mean, Elina is confiding in her about her not-so-good relationship with her mother, when Brittany starts spouting about Elina using her mother and how she’s a crazy bitch for not liking a woman who raised her to be the person that she is. Intentionally bitchy? Possibly. Edited to look that way? Probably. Still insane and uncalled for? Definitely.
The shoot this week saw the girls posing for supermodel Susan Holmes for her latest collection of swimwear in Malibu (yes, when I heard this for the first time I did the “gasp” for Isis as well). Most of the average girls fell flat as usual (I’m thinking Analeigh, Hannah, etc.), but every other girl stepped it up and delivered a fantastic photograph. Sheena’s was delicate yet fashionable, Lauren Brie’s was powerful and elegant at the same time, and McKey’s looked like a tear straight out of Linda Evangelista’s rockin’ portfolio. However, the best photos came from my girl Marjorie (as usual) and, surprisingly, Elina, and I say so beacause of that ridiculous mop they placed atop her head.
In the end, it was farewell to Brittany, marking the first unjust elimination the cycle has seen. After we got rid of Tootie 2.0 last week and ShaWrong the week before, I was thinking we were finally on the right track and eliminating girls who actually deserved to be eliminated. Don’t get me wrong, Brittany was far from my favorite, but her picture compared to Hannah’s shot that reminded me of a cracked-out Miley Cyrus was far superior.
Now that I think about it, this week’s episode was a little on the dull side, aside from that totally mind-numbingly hilarious, hot and sweaty Jay-on-Tyra makeout sesh. But I loved this week’s version of Titney’s…erm…Whitney’s My Life segment in all of its faux-glam glory. After seeing Whitney engaged in the uber high-fashion activity of showing her mother around New York City last week, this week’s task at hand was much more complex. Whitters Titters told us about the proper lighting for photoshoots, that the dress has to properly fit you before you shoot (something she undoubtedly has trouble with), and topped it off by plugging some lame CoverGirl makeup. Don’t worry, Whitney, at this point last cycle Saleisha had only gotten her haircut and visited the CoverGirl factory, so hanging out with mom and informing us about the lighting quality of your staged photoshoot is already leaps and bounds ahead of her.
See you next week for the *surprise* double elimination!
Joey Nolfi is a model and aspiring Journalist in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. His film reviews have been published in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and are also found on IMDB.com and KillerReviews.com
