Comcast sucks, but you all knew that. Without further ado…
IT’S TIME…TO…GET…RAW!
WrestleMania was last night and some chapters were closed, while new chapters began. I’ll have your live RAW coverage in a matter of moments!
We open with highlights from the epic battle between Undertaker and Shawn Michaels.
Shawn Michaels will be here tonight to bid farewell to the WWE Universe. However, “The Animal” Batista demands to bask in the spotlight once again, despite the fact he is no longer the WWE Champion. Interesting to note, the spotlight effect is delayed and some fans flip Batista off. HA!
He knows that (he tapped out) the fans expected him to bitch and moan about losing last night. He won’t give them the satisfaction of witnessing that. So, he proceeds to call it a blip…a fluke…and that next month we’ll all forget WrestleMania. He’s got a rematch and he will get his title back. He doesn’t care what happened because John Cena can’t beat him. Here comes John Cena who has the title in hand. Cena proceeds to talk about a random fan that wore a shirt that said Cena can’t beat Batista. HUGE HUGE “CENA SUCKS” chants emit from the crowd. Cena reiterates that Batista tapped out and that WrestleMania moments live forever. Cena says that Batista can take his rematch tonight, but Cena says that someone else will stop the match from happening. He tells Batista to grow a set and do something different. Batista says “not tonight”. This pisses Cena off, who takes Batista out of the ring.
IT’S SWAGGER TIME! He beats Cena to a pulp with the briefcase and he demands a referee! Once a referee gets involved, Cena recovers and Swagger smartly waves off the match. Pansy.
We take a look at Shawn’s epic career.
Commercials.
Slam of the Week: Randy Orton beats Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase and THE POSE IS BACK!
In some sort of surprise, Ted DiBiase and a quartet of legends surround the ring. This is followed by Roddy Piper and a trio of even more legends. Jerry Lawler says this is a surprise in the making, so he joins the group. Justin Roberts introduce out guest hosts from The Hot Tub Time Machine. They explain what is happening tonight. We have Batista & Jack Swagger taking on John Cena and a partner of his choice. And we test the limits of PG by having the two of them take on the divas in a hot tub. The legends are surrounding the ring for a special Legend’s Lumberjack Match.
But first…
Commercials.
Lumberjack Match: Christian v. Ted DiBiase
We are JIP as Christian rolls DiBiase up for two. Bitchslap connects, but DiBiase takes advantage of it with a kick to the jaw. DiBiase gets tossed out and the lumberjacks toss him back in. Christian gets caught with a pin attempt for two and DiBiase takes it to the corner. Off the ropes, the hurracurrana is countered to a faceplant and a kick to the head for two. Christian off the ropes and he gets a reverse DDT for two. Off the ropes, missile dropkick gets another two count. On the ropes again…DiBiase SWEEPS THE LEG! Dream Street attempt is countered…PELE KICK IN THE CORNER! DiBiase is down and we get the Killswitch…COUNTERED! Both men get sent outside. The legends get pissed off, so they go at it! Christian takes advantage and plants DiBiase with the Killswitch for three.
Winner: Christian
Grade: C+
Ted Sr. consoles Ted Jr., but the younger one pushes his dad off him.
More Shawn Michaels’ moments.
Triple H walks.
Commercials.
We recap WrestleMania week.
So our celebrities are wearing bath robes and Santino Marella comes into the shot. We got divas…a hot tub…divas with swim wear on…and two men…with alcohol. TV PG ROCKS!
Here comes Triple H, who decides to cut his promo on the stage. We get chants for him and tonight is a surreal night for him. He thought it would never end this way for Shawn. He knew Shawn would beat Undertaker. It’s an end of an era. We get some jokes from when they first met each other. He brings the clique sign up and now it’s just him. He loses his composure. He wants to say something to the whole world…and that is “I just got decked in the head by a lead pipe from Sheamus.” Trainers check on Trips.
Commercials.
We recapped what turned out to be the lamest pipe shot ever witnessed on live TV.
OH…GOD. It’s the rematch NO ONE WANTED!!!!!
Team Beth Phoenix v. Team Vickie Guerrero
Maryse and Eve Torres start things off. Maryse shows off and gets rolled up by Eve for the win. At least that was inoffensive.
Winners: Team Beth Phoenix
Grade: NR
Post match, the faces take the heels out.
Commercials.
We visit the Ironman match between HBK and Bret Hart.
Speaking of Bret Hart, here comes the Excellence of Execution. He takes the opportunity to thank Shawn for a great career. He is glad to beat the holy hell out of Vince last night and that he is glad to have the Hart family at his side. He thanks the fans as he takes his leave.
Or not…ShowMiz comes out and Michael Cole tells us that the Miz is on the left and Big Show is on the right. As if we can’t tell the difference. Really? Miz talks down Bret Hart and calls him a thief. His coming back cost the Miz promo time. Oh God…The Miz is starting his own WrestleMania streak at 1 and 0. He also calls Bret and his family overrated. He tells Bret to leave, so Bret tells him to make him. Big Show steps in and he tries to talk some sense to him.
Here comes the Hart Dynasty! After a moment, ShowMiz leaves the ring. Bret issues a challenge to them to face the Hart Dynasty. Miz wants to face them, but Big Show says that discretion is the better part of valor. Miz explains his reasoning and Show agrees.
Commercials.
The Hart Dynasty v. ShowMiz
We’re JIP as David Hart Smith drops the Miz with a stalling brainbuster. He covers for a two count. Miz comes off the ropes and he gets taken to the outside. Tyson Kidd hits a over the top rope dive that results into a two count. Miz plays keep away and Big Show tags in. Tyson Kidd tries his best, but Big Show is too strong. He tells Miz to stop screwing around and he shows him how to do it. Miz connects with the kick to the head for a two count. Kidd tries a comeback and Bit Show tags in and he chokes him in the ropes. Chop connects and that has to hurt. Show applies a modified sleeper and Miz blind tags himself in. He locks on a chinlock and Kidd escapes to tag in Smith. Powerslam connects and we get the Hart Attack! Kidd applies the Sharpshooter and Big Show asks Miz if he wants to listen to him now. He pulls him out of the ring and we get a countout.
Winners: The Hart Dynasty
Grade: C+
We relive Shawn Michaels in DX.
Commercials.
WWE Rewind: Jack Swagger wins Money in the Bank.
We are back for the Hot Tub Match. It’s a dead heat until we’re left with the Bellas. Another guest host declares the Bellas the winners and he announces their next opponent…Mark Henry in a speedo and Hornswoggle. HAHAHA!
We recap Triple H getting attacked by Sheamus earlier tonight.
Jack Swagger (in Kurt Angle’s old attire) & Batista v. John Cena & ?
Jack has the microphone and he says the briefcase is like Money in the Bank. He gloats and glees on about messing with Cena because when he cashes the contract he will win the title.
Commercials.
And Cena’s partner is……RANDY ORTON! Who have thought Orton and Cena could co-exist?
The bell rings and we get Swagger and Cena to start. Lock up to start and Cena beats Swagger to the punch. Suplex connects and we get a tag to Orton. Garvin Stomp by Orton and Batista is livid! Knee drop connects and we’re looking for the RKO, but Swagger sees this coming.
Commercials.
We’re back and Cena is being worked on by Swagger. Waist lock is applied and Orton is begging for a tag. This could be a good team if they wanted a Tag Title run. Swagger gets a two count on Cena. Cena won’t lie down for Swagger and Batista tags in. Cena gets sent hard to the corner and he steps on Cena’s hand. Snapmare connects as does a modified throwdown. HERE COMES CENA! Cut short by Batista with a vicious spinebuster. Batista Bomb is countered to the Batista Bomb. Tags all around and Orton takes it to Swagger! 3.0 Backbreaker connects and Batista breaks the count. Spear to Cena! RKO to Batista! RKO to Swagger! Call it.
Winners: Randy Orton & John Cena
Grade: B
We relive Taker/HBK I from last year.
Commercials.
It’s time for Shawn’s farewell. He doesn’t get to speak as the Undertaker’s GONG goes off and the immortal Undertaker comes out. He bows his head to Shawn before taking his leave. Shawn doesn’t know what he’s going to say tonight. Many “Please don’t go” chants from the crowd. He talks about his career and how not seeing him each week will take time to get used to. Shawn thanks the fans for allowing him to entertain us. He has a list of people to thank, but he is afraid that he might lose someone. He however thanks Hunter for being a good friend. He thanks the production crew for making him better than he really was. He thanks a redhead from Stamford that made the vignettes for Shawn. We get a chant for “One More Match”. He burns Ric Flair by saying he won’t go back on his word. He vows to honor his word to the fans and to Undertaker. He thanks Bret Hart for forgiving him and accepting the fact Shawn made the mistake. Then he thanks Vince McMahon. He says that there’s no way he can work for anyone else. He thanks him for not letting him make even bigger mistakes. He then thanks the fans again for having the honor and privilege of showing off in front of them. He thanks Jesus Christ for forgiving his sin and his family saying “Daddy’s coming home.” Shawn Michaels has left the building.
Thank you Shawn.
Hunter recovers from the pipe shot to give Shawn a hug and they celebrate his career.
Show over.
The Final Pulse
What a great show tonight. Sure, we didn’t have many matches, but what we had was great. It was refreshing to see Randy Orton and John Cena work together. Overall, I’m giving this show a solid B. I can’t wait to see what transpires next week. See you in seven.
