For Your Consideration…A Bankable RAW Judicial Review

For Your Consideration…A Bankable RAW Judicial Review

Welcome back to the longest running action adventure home gardening wrestling HD Judicial Review on the ‘Net. I will be your tour guide for this week’s RAW, helping you to navigate through the murky waters and…you know what, I’m already sick of this metaphor. You know the drill, I’m Andrew Wheeler and this is “For Your Consideration.” Remember, you can follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316, friend me on Facebook or comment below.

Last night was the Money in the Bank PPV event, and as you saw before, I didn’t quite have the same overall disdain for the show as everyone else. But that’s not important right now. What is important is that the WWE now has a chance, after the PPV, to actually make The Miz the main event threat that he’s been poised to be for over a year.

The Miz has been an interesting wrestling story, even if you ignore his “Real World” past. Miz started out in the company with that “Reality Check” gimmick, which consisted of him wandering around WWE Headquarters and acting like a major star. This gimmick was sort of derailed due to the brain tumor that Matt Capotelli suffered, and instead of him being able to show up on television as a tag team star, he was thrown to the wolves and left to his own devices.

Miz was promptly turned heel and was basically treated as a joke on Smackdown. JBL would bury him constantly on commentary, and it seemed so biting and caustic that it transcended “character attacking character” and almost felt like there was real animosity. Years later, Miz would reveal that he was in fact constantly hazed for his behavior.

The Miz wasn’t given much screen time, but when he was, he sure as hell made the most of it. Miz wore a ridiculous outfit that actually made him look different (as opposed to a guy like Matt Hardy, who just looks ridiculous) and despite not being that good in the ring, it was clear that he was trying. Miz was good on the microphone and decent in the ring, but it wasn’t until he united with John Morrison that he had a chance of really catching fire.

Miz and Morrison weren’t supposed to really be a team, as each of them was feuding with CM Punk for the ECW Title. Eventually, their double-teaming just sort of morphed into an actual tag team, and for once John Morrison and The Miz were allowed to show their full range of talents. Each guy brought out the best in his partner, and despite a lackluster tag team division, they managed to remind us that there was a reason the WWE had tag belts in the first place.

Once they were split up, it was assumed that John Morrison was going to be the breakout star. Miz kinda put that theory to rest by entering into a one-man feud with John Cena. Sure, Miz finally got squashed, but just having him in the ring with Cena seemed to elevate him.

Why am I regurgitating facts that most of you already knew? Why am I choosing to forego my normal snark in favor of actually saying nice things? Because The Miz is a truly rare breed in the WWE; a self-made star. Miz didn’t have much marketing push after his initial blitz, and after it looked like he was going to be lost in the shuffle, he doubled his efforts and actually tried to get himself over. It’s amazing that the formula for success has been written about a million times, but so few have actually applied it. The Miz has the kind of home-grown feel of The Rock and Steve Austin, and while he is nowhere near them in terms of popularity, he might actually become a legitimate main event heel on Monday Night RAW. And unlike Sheamus (and his punch-kick-yell offense from last night), Miz might actually put on some exciting matches.

Or he’ll cash in the suitcase, lose and go back to the US Title.

The Judicial Review: Monday Night RAW 7/19/10

“Ladies and Gentlemen, it is electric…”

We go from the nauseating sounds of Michael Cole in the Signature to the nauseating sounds of Nickelback. RAW is burning things to the ground tonight according to the song, and true to form here comes the hellfire. Oh wait, that’s just the pyro and ballyhoo. We are LIVE from Tulsa Oklahoma and the dull, listless faces of the fans are in HD.

Tonight, Mark Henry versus Wade Barrett. Really? Alright.

#1 Contender Triple Threat Match: Randy Orton v. Edge v. Chris Jericho

We’re opening with a triple threat match for the #1 Contendership, and considering that Randy Orton is the only face, I wonder who is going to win.

Speaking of which, here comes that dude that hears voices, Randall Bartholomew Orton. Randy climbs onto the turnbuckle and signals for a great big hug, because he’s always there to hear your problems. Chris Jericho is out next with a quasi-beard, a taped up arm and a contract that expires in September. Edge is out third and he is sans giant coat. Edge signals for his pyro, but no pyro comes. See what happens when you don’t wear your massive coat and instead choose to don your WWE Shopzone t-shirt? Silly Canadian.

The ref signals for the bell, and Randy is getting so dark that he’s starting to look Native American. Seriously, I should start calling him Mulligan because all I wanna do is yell “Blackjack!” Edge and Jericho team up on Randy Strongbow, but he fight back against pale skin.

Jericho takes over now as he punches and kicks at Orton before demanding that Edge help in the beatdown. The Canadians continue to stomp on Randy, figuring that if they use a Sheamus-heavy offense, they too might become WWE Champion. Edge and Jericho go for a double-backdrop but they both get dropped with a double-DDT. Jericho rolls out of the ring as Randy drops knees on Edge like insecure guys drop dollars on strippers. Jericho comes out of nowhere and hits a Codebreaker but Edge breaks up the pin. Edge and Jericho battle on the outside, and Chris gets bounced off of the announce position and flies into a…

Commercial.

Love how 7-11 has Summerslam cups, and two of the four that are available won’t be on the PPV (Taker and Hunter). Could have been worse, they could have made a Carlito cup. It would have barely carried your drink and the beverage would be flat and dull.

We’re back and Randy takes out both Edge and Jericho on the outside. Randy hits the second-rope DDT on Jericho but Edge throws him out of the ring and now HE tries to pin Chris. Edge is now outside with Randy Orton and he launches him into the ring for a two count.

Edge starts punching away on Orton but gets tripped up by Jericho, who whips him into the announce table. Jericho kicks Randy in the head for two. Jericho then follows this up with a resthold, which makes sense since in a triple threat match all you have is time. It’s not like there’s a third guy who could break up that hold.

Randy comes back with the Vintage Scoop Slam, the very same slam used by William Sherman on his march to the sea. Randy then takes down Edge for two, but he must stay on the warpath. Edge gets knocked out of the ring and Randy now goes for the Second Rope DDT but Chris counters into the Walls of Jericho. Cole points out that he needs to roll Orton onto his belly, and there’s just something inherently wrong with a grown man using that word to talk about another man.

Edge breaks up the Walls (instead of breaking them down) and takes down Jericho for two. Edge goes for the Spear but he winds up in the Walls himself. Jericho gets dumped out of the ring and Orton goes for the RKO on Edge, but Edge counters for two. Edge now signals for the Spear and charges, but Jericho tackles him. We now all trade roll-ups until everyone is up and then everyone is down.

Jericho dumps Edge over the top rope but Jericho almost eats an RKO. Chris blocks it and goes for the Lionsault but Randy moves. Orton starts humping the ground and then hits the RKO. He then RKOs Edge and pins him for the win.

Well who saw that coming? Oh, I did. Nevermind. At least the match was pretty damn entertaining and the right man went over. When was the last time the WWE opened a RAW with a solid 20 minute match? Cole now unloads with a bunch of snake metaphors, but Kurt Russell is nowhere to be seen.

Commercial.

We’re back and Edge is in the ring demanding his Y2J like he’s Dire Straits. Edge asks how many years have they taken from each other’s careers. He says that it has to end right here, right now, tonight. So is this how they’re writing off Jericho? Chris says that he’s going to end it tonight. Jericho says that Wade Barrett admitted that Nexus is all a byproduct of Jericho’s brilliance. Edge says that Nexus would choose him over Jericho. Speaking of which, here comes Nexus.

Wade Barrett says that both Jericho and Edge are highly respected veterans, and they would be lucky to call either Canadian an ally. Barrett says that they have both had Hall of Fame careers, but apparently Jericho was right. Nexus wouldn’t take years off of your career, they end it. Nexus then jumps Edge as Jericho cheers them on. Hmm, I wonder if they’ll turn around and attack Jericho. No, not a chance. Nope. Not one bit.

Skip Sheffield Spears Edge and Jericho asks if he sees what happens when you have fun with a stranger in the Alps. Jericho locks in the Walls, but Nexus all start in with the crazy eyes on Chris. Wade says that Edge was also right, because they would like to shut up the guy who claims to be the brains behind Nexus. Jericho jumps Barrett but it doesn’t work and he gets taken down. Jericho gets held back and Wade decks him. Otunga then hits that sloppy slam and he’s done for. Wade says that Chris didn’t teach him anything, which makes this the worst remake of “To Sir With Love” ever.

Commercial.

Seriously, this might be one of the best half hours of RAW ever. We got a solid triple-threat match, a number one contender based on an actual outcome, a heated Jericho/Edge promo and a further advancement of the dangerous nature of Nexus. Guess we know what this means…bring on Santino.

We’re back and we get to relive Edge and Jericho getting demolished by Nexus. We then cut to the back and Nexus all file into their own Locker Room. Josh Matthews stops Wade and says that everyone is scared of Nexus. Matthews wants to know if anyone individually can compete with Mark Henry. Wade says that each guy is individually strong and tonight won’t end well for Henry.

Sheamus pops up. “Ah jus came ere ta have a convahsashun wit ya. Ah proposal ya wunna hear.” Wade invites Sheamus into his locker room, but Sheamus says he’d rather wait in the hallway.

Jerry “Mystic tan” Lawler and Michael “Who Needs a Tie” Cena interview John Cena, who is in the back. Cena is spotting a pretty deep gash in his head. Either that or that’s the new John Cena piggybank. Cena says he shook Wade’s hand and tonight he wants to meet Nexus in the ring. He says that Nexus has made his life miserable and that if he can’t beat them, he’ll fade to…

Commercial.

Did you know that a lot of people on Facebook are fans of the WWE? People also like blood sausage.

We get a replay of Cena’s dramatic walk off screen and I wonder if the WWE can keep up this super-intense feeling for tonight’s show.

Eve Torres v. Maryse w/ Teddy

Well, I guess not. Eve is out first and she’s dressed like a combination of Iron Man and a stripper. That would be the best kid’s party ever. Maryse is out next and Teddy is wearing the fuck out of that suit. Maryse brings back the hair flip of doom before the bell rings and then removes her oversized ring. She then lets Eve know that she’s rich, because the finger thing means the money (obscure “Simpsons” for all).

Maryse jumps Eve and attacks her for a minute until Eve kicks her in the head for the pin, but Maryse’s foot is on the rope. Teddy runs in to let the ref know that her foot was on the rope in the most polite, roid-rage free way he knows. John Morrison runos out of nowhere wearing jeans and no shirt and hits Starship Pain. Why the hell does he have a miniature ponytail? That was…odd.

Sheamus is in the back with his title, and he’s heading towards a…

Commercial.

We’re back and it’s Sheamus time. Thankfully, Sheamus is holding his title instead of wearing it, because when he wears the damn thing, it makes it look like he’s wearing nothing else.

Sheamus and all of RAW is in SAP for the poor saps that were upset last night when the Spanish Announce Table got demolished like Cleveland’s hopes of keeping Lebron.

“Let thah reh-cord show dat ah have beatun John Cena in ah tabuls mach, a faytul fourway and now a steel chage. Well ah beat Jun Cena, allah ewe culd it uh flewk. When uh beat im a second time, ewe said ih twas luck. When ah bea tim a furd time, deres only one word fer it, dominance. But wut now fer Jun Cena? He’s in mah past. He gets da backuh dah line and he woan be getting a duble ya duble ya eeye tie tull shot any time soon. Ahn he’s unly goh himself ta blame. Cuz he shulda done wut ah did earlier tonighs. See, ah found Wade Barrett, ah walked up ta him and ah said that ah demand a trewse. Ah explained ta Wade Barrett dat one year ago, no oned hurd ah Sheamus or Da Nexus, but like ih or nah, we’re both da two moas powerful entities in da dubya dubya eye. We doan hafta like each otha. Dey stay outta mah bisness, ah stay outta deres. Wade Barrett agreed. Asah tonigh, da truce is in effect. Wuz good news for me is bad news fur Randy Orton. Orton doesna stand a chance. He’ll suffer tha same fate as Jun Cena as ah become da longest reigning WWE Champunn of uhl tahm.”

Cue The Miz and his red Lego suitcase. Cole calls Miz the wave of the future, so there’s the kiss of death. Miz says that Wade has a Miz problem, which you can fix with an ointment. Miz says that he has the suitcase, just in case any of you were listening to this on the radio. Any time Sheamus is in the ring, he’ll be watching you. Oh can’t you see, the briefcase belongs to he, how his poor heart breaks, with every step she takes. Miz then does a Sheamus impersonation. Miz says his other option is to wait and main event Wrestlemania. Or he could cash it in tonight. Wow, Miz now quotes Sting, instantly ripping off my joke. “I’m the Miz and I’m…” “Yer nutin. Ahm Sheamus, and ahm da dubaya dubaya eeye chumpun.”

Cue the GMail. Cole says that if Sheamus wants to cash in his contract, he should sit ringside because Sheamus will be facing Evan Bourne. Man I hope this doesn’t mean that Bourne is going to be back to being a jobber.

Miz parks himself in a plush leather chair and here comes Bourne. Evan has his tape and he’s wrapping his wrists before sliding into the ring.

Evan Bourne v. Sheamus

There’s the bell and Sheamus goes for the bicycle kick but Bounre dodges it and Sheamus winds up on the outside. Sheamus punches the defenseless announce table and we’re going to…

Commercial.

Every single segment tonight has been motivated, logical and well executed. Looks like the WWE just realized that summer is coming to a close and that they actually have to do something.

We’re back and Evan is dominating with his Token Offense. Sheamus then fires back with a clothesline, because he must have just been signaled that they’re back on live television. Sheamus then drags Evan to the turnbuckle and tries to tear him apart like James Dean before unleashing the O’Doyle Rules yell.

Sheamus is back in the ring with a resthold. Evan breaks free with kicks but eats a sidewalk slam and a half for a two count. This match is already better than Cena/Sheamus in a cage. Sheamus then goes for another resthold as we once again see Miz sitting with his briefcase. Evan channels the spirits from above and he breaks free. Sheamus then launches him into the corner and smacks him, but Bourne responds with one hell of a kick. Evan comes off the rope with a spinning heel kick and then a dropkick. Sheamus goes for the Blarney Stone Bottom but Evan reverses it for two. More kicks from Bourne and Evan goes for AirBourne. Sheamus rolls outside, so Evan leaps off the top and takes him out on the outside. Miz is now out of his seat. Sheamus throws Bourne into the cameraman and then when Evan comes in the ring, he gets nailed with a cheap shot and the Bicycle Kick for the pin.

That match made Sheamus look like a competent wrestler, made Bourne look like a main event level guy and having The Miz ringside made the entire thing compelling. Speaking of Miz, he climbs into the ring with the suitcase and lays out Sheamus. Miz tries for the SCF onto the briefcase and he connects. Miz is convinced that he’s out cold and demands that the ref ring the bell as the building explodes.

WWE Title Match: The Miz versus Sheamus

The ref is waiting for Sheamus to stand and The Miz is waiting for the bell. This gets interrupted by R-Truth. Seriously? Miz hits Truth with the suitcase and flees. Apparently since the bell didn’t ring, the briefcase wasn’t officially cashed in. Sheamus stumbles to his feet

Commercial.

We’re back with Miz and Mini-Orton. Miz says that R-Truth just cost him the WWE Title. Miz says that there will be other opportunities and he has an entire year. He’s The Miz and he’s awesome and he’s kinda rocking the crazy eyes.

We now get tossed back to Summerslam 98: Austin v. Taker. The match was terrible but the promo poster where Undertaker and Austin fight across the New York Skyline and use skyscrapers as weapons was great. I also wish they would bring back that breakaway Steve Austin glass.

Sheamus is in the back with an icepack on his head and he takes exception to Gail Kim and the Bellas laughing at him. Randy Orton then appears out of the shadows like Darkwing Duck and he says that when it’s Summerslam, Randy is going to win the title.

John Cena is in the back and he might join Nexus tonight. And monkeys might fly out of my butt.

Commercial.

We’re back and the streak of great RAW segments tonight comes to a screeching halt because here comes Vlad and Santino.

Borscht Marinara v. William Regal and Zach Ryder

Santino and Ryder start it off and we get some acrobatics before Santino tags in Vlad. That lasts for a second before Regal and Santino are now back in as Cole reminds us that Regal used to be GM of RAW. Ryder is back in and he’s choking out Santino. Marella breaks free and tags in Vlad, who demolishes Ryder until Regal comes in. Ryder tries to jump the Russian but he slams him. Santino is in now and he gets the pinfall. After the match, Santino celebrates for a while.

In the back, Nexus are in the back having a coNference.

Commercial.

Did you know that 7-11 has a John Cena coffee cup that gives money to charity? There’s a homeless panhandler joke in there somewhere.

Wade Barrett v. Mark Hey-Hey Henry

Wade Barrett is all alone because Nexus isn’t allowed to be with him. Wade is now officially the Kenny for this Spirit Squad. Give him a few years and he’ll be trying to nail Cindy Margolis.

Speaking of big tits, here comes Mark Henry. Henry charges Wade, but Barrett climbs out of the ring. Wade comes back in and gets headbutted back out of the ring. Wow, I didn’t even know that Mark Henry was Samoan. Wade climbs into the ring once again and he hammers away on Henry. Mark no-sells the offense and comes back with a punch of his own (that missed the mark so much you’d think it was “Pearl Harbor” by Michael Bay). Henry goes for the slam for two as he keeps rubbing away on the bandaid on his head. Seriously, who gives an injured man a bandaid?

Henry climbs to the second rope but Nexus walk out from behind the curtain. They were banned from ringside but they can appear there. Barrett grabs Henry off of the second rope and manages to hit his finisher before he almost gets flattened. We then cut to Nexus on the ramp, and Darren Young now has a haircut not seen since that time on “Friends” when Phoebe cut Monica’s hair to look like Dudley Moore. See Rey, you’re not the only one who can reference “Friends”.

Wade says that if Cena wants a meeting, he can do it right now. We cut awkwardly to a replay before cutting to the back and there’s John Cena walking down the hallway. Lawler says that he has no idea where this is going, which means it’s Schiavone time: “What a swerve! This isn’t on my programming sheet! This is almost like a qualifying main event summit!”

Commercial.

We’re back and Nexus is in the ring…still. Michael Tarver says that even though they already made one truce, they will hear him out if he acknowledges that Nexus run this show. He then says that resistance is futile. If Cena comes out and apologizes for attacking Darren Young so bad that he had to get a Raggedy Andy haircut.

Here comes John Cena, and he’s wearing his emo teen face. John thanks them for meeting him out there. He says that he had two WWE Title matches since Nexus arrived and they’ve cost him the title. John says that he realized that he’s licked, so he asks for a truce. Wade says no. He isn’t interested in a truce and he doesn’t want peace. He wants John Cena to join Nexus. Cena can accomplish a lot more if he joins Nexus. They are the present and future of the WWE, and together they’re unstoppable. You’re either Nexus or you’re in direct opposition of Nexus. Cena says he can’t join Nexus. Wade says that Cena can either leave the ring a coward or he can get beaten down worse than he’s ever been beaten before.

John chooses to climb out of the ring and slink away like Bruce Banner at the end of “The Hulk”. Cena grabs the microphone and says that he will take each and every one of them downtown, where the neon lights are pretty. John says that the peace offering was a test, so he went and got himself some help. Cena has been forming a team that will take down Nexus at Summerslam. Are The Machines returning?

Cena’s team: John Cena, Edge, John Slo-Mo-rrison, Resurrection Truth, The Great Khali (…fucking seriously?), Chris Jericho and Bret Hart. Yes, Bret Hart. Nexus bolts through the crowd because they want none of what’s left of Bret Hart. Well, I guess Hunter really was too injured to return. Shame they couldn’t use Danielson.

This has been for your consideration.