Before I get started…
What the fuck just happened?
I mean… I read the recap of the biggest pay-per-view event TNA puts on, and it made NO FRIGGIN’ SENSE!
I try to stay positive about TNA, I really do, but after reading the recap and seeing that they did almost EVERYTHING wrong… I have to rant. I just do. I have to rant and rave and cuss and scream and scream and cuss and rave and rant.
I have to do things like drop an “F” bomb and write run-on sentences.
Where should I begin?
Fourtune vs EV 2.0 should have had FOURTUNE WIN. Their win would have set them up for more dominant hijinx. It’s not hard to do a dominant stable angle. They jump some faces, they win some belts, they wreak havoc, and then a coalition like-minded wrestlers join forces to help turn back the enemies. Done AND done. I like the EV 2.0 guys, and there can be places for them in TNA after a loss at the hands of Fourtune. They could’ve all gone soul-searching, or mentored young talent, or made a tearful “Randy The Ram” speech and earned some sympathy. But noooo.
Tara should not have won the TNA Knockouts title. They should’ve let Angelina Love win it, or have Lacey Von Erich run in and turn on The Beautiful People. That feud could have continued, and Mickie James could’ve joined up with Angelina Love and Velvet Sky to help even the odds against Tara, Lacey, and Madison. But noooo.
Jay Lethal should have been allowed to celebrate his title win at the PPV, and then get attacked by “The Shore” TONITE. But nooooo.
Jeff Jarrett and Samoa Joe should have won to keep up the ruse of “We’re the good guys.” But noooooo.
Given what happened at the conclusion of the show, Abyss should have beaten Rob Van Dam to demonstrate the power of “They”. Hell, RVD had a title shot guaranteed anyway. He’d have been okay, and then “They” could’ve cost him the belt tonite or at the next pay-per-view. But noooo.
Abyss should have helped Jeff Hardy win the TNA World Title by himself, and then Hulk Hogan and Bischoff could’ve been revealed as “They”, and when Kurt Angle and Mr. Anderson protested, THEN Jeff Jarrett could have come out and blasted the good guys. But noooo.
Instead, all of that got fucked up for a bunch of non-conclusions, and that’s what’s the most infuriating about “Bound For glory” and, now that I think of it, a bunch of other Vince Russo pay-per-views. No conclusions at PPVs. No closure. Heck, not even a one-nite resolution. No sir, just a swerve, a run-in, a heel turn, something to keep the story churning along without any real resolution.
That’s what pisses me off. Their biggest show of the year, and not one *actual* resolution. Not one *actual* satisfying conclusion. Just another nite of television, and non-sensical television at that.
The worst part is that a lot of those wrestlers know better. A lot of those wrestlers know what works and what doesn’t work. A lot of those guys should’ve had a “Wait, that doesn’t make any sense…” alarm go off. Angle, Kennedy, Foley, Flair, Hardy, Tara… How could they all have spent so much time in the other company and not be able to tell a logical, satisfying conclusion from a clusterfuck? Seriously.
I don’t want to believe the negativity about TNA. I don’t want to come to the conclusion that those people are fucking morons when they’re not fucking morons. There is someone there–Russo, Bischoff, Hogan, Dixie Carter–that just doesn’t get it, and needs to be taken out of power. Wrestling fans need satisfying conclusions to stories, captivating middle parts to stories, and intriguing beginnings of stories. We don’t need swerves and heel turns and re-hashed storylines.
So much of what I see from TNA and their competition nowadays is them looking at a menu and picking what’s already been done. “Hmm, I’ll have the Invasion Heel Turn surprise, with a side of Pop Culture reference, and a small order of beaten-into-the-ground nostalgia as an appetizer.”
There are compelling stories to tell. 10-15 years ago, the money was made because they pulled back the curtain a bit, made wrestling more “real” by getting rid of the stupid gimmicks and lame reasons for feuding.
It is time for wrestling to make their wrestlers real human beings–and that means more than giving them two first names as a moniker and sending them out to the ring.
It means making them have real emotions, real concerns, real depth. Every compelling TV show has characters we can relate to. Characters with traits that we see in ourselves and the people around us, be they hideously ugly traits or beautiful, virtuous traits. Those are the elements professional wrestling storytellers need to capitalize on now.
Make us relate to a guy doing what’s right, not a smilin’ do-gooder.
Make us boo a guy that takes shortcuts, that hurts people, that doesn’t care about his fellow man–not just a guy that insults people in the crowd.
Give us people we can relate to, and look up to.
Give us people we wish we were more like, and people we hope we never become.
If you do that, the conflict will happen. The competition will make sense. People will invest in these characters and the people playing them.
That is how you connect.
That is how you conclude.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to recap this show and enjoy it for what it is–entertainment, and try not to lament what it isn’t.
Suspension of Disbelief begins…now!
The first images of the broadcast are the closing moments of “Bound For Glory.” Hulk Hogan comes down to the ring looking like he’s going to confront Eric Bischoff. Hogan hits Kurt Angle. Jeff Hardy hits Kurt Angle. Jeff Hardy gets the pin and the TNA World Championship. Abyss walks down to the ring. Abyss and Hogan hug. Jeff Jarrett comes down to the ring. Rob Van Dam comes down to the ring. Jeff Hardy hits RVD with the title belt. Mike Tenay screams that Jeff Hardy has made a deal with the devil, and I don’t see how. At that point, the only bad guy in the ring was Abyss.
Tonite’s episode of Impact: The One Where ‘They’ Have Arrived.”
Show opens with Eric Bischoff and Dixie Carter’s lawyer talking about the contract Dixie signed last week. Lawyer Guy says the contract was sent under false pretenses. Bischoff says they have plenty of witnesses and in the meantime this is his building, his show, and Lawyer Guy is trespassing. I wonder what Andy Wheeler would have to say about all these legal shenanigans.
We cut to the Impact Zone, and Hulk Hogan is making his way out to the ring with Eric Bischoff. Tell you what, Hogan and Bischoff look happy to be heels again. Hogan walks out on crutches and then plays them like a guitar. Okay, that made me laugh. I can see that silver lining, folks. I can seeeeee it! Glad to see Hulk up and around. That footage of his operation last week was heartbreaking. Aaannd Tenay just referred to Dixie Carter as the “former” President. Heh, hilarious. It’s allegedly a heel turn, but the crowd is chanting “Ho-gan! Ho-gan!”
Eric Bischoff gets the microphone and the crowd boos. Wow, fickle group because now the crowd is chanting “Ho-gan Sucks! Ho-gan Sucks!” like he was Mideon or something. Bischoff introduces Hulk Hogan, and Hogan welcomes the “TNA Maniacs” to “his” company. Hulk says he and Eric were tired of the ga-ga and it was time to take what was theirs. I can see it now: Hogan, Hardy and Ke$ha vs Angle, Anderson, and Lady Gaga.
Hulk says they tried to do things the easy way, but Dixie didn’t want to. He says Dixie promised Hogan she’d take all of his suggestions. Hulk says she didn’t, so he took everything that was promised to him. He calls the company a company of Hollywood Hogan’s Immortals, and the company will live forever.
Eric Bischoff says in the business world that would’ve been called a hostile takeover, but he views it as a piece of art. He says most people didn’t see it coming. He says it all started with Abyss, that people couldn’t understand why Hogan would take him under his ring. He says no one could figure out why Abyss would turn on Hulk Hogan. Eric Bischoff says it made sense to them, and introduces Abyss. Okay, I hate typing Abyss’ name, I really do. From this point on, “Abyss” shall be known as “Aby.”
Aby makes his way down to the ring, grabs a mic and lets us know “They’re” here. Aby says for months he prophesied that “They” would arrive in TNA to take control. He says all of the ignorant sheep at home, in the crowd, and backstage did not believe him. Aby says Team Hogan is in control of TNA, and says he is Hogan and Bischoff’s soldier and follows their orders and he will destroy anything or anyone that stands in their way. Anything? What if it’s a ficus? What if it’s a hundred foot tall marshmallow man? What if it’s Ben Vereen? Aby is going to destroy a ficus, a hundred foot tall marshmallow man, and Ben Vereen? All of that to keep a wrestling company? The man means business!
Hulk gets the microphone back. He says Aby is his son and it is his destiny to live forever because Aby is now immortal. Abyss says yes sir, and Bischoff gets the mic. He says they couldn’t have done it without someone cut from the same cloth, someone with the same DNA. He then brings out the founder of TNA, Jeff Jarrett. Jeff Jarrett’s entrance music is equal parts terrible, and lousy for him. Jarrett hugs Bischoff and shakes Hogan’s hand. Aby was left out of the man love.
Jarrett has the mic and asked if anyone knows how it felt to have Dixie Carter take the company from him. He says she took daddy’s money to run him out of his own office. Jarrett says it’s been a pleasure to work with Hogan and Bischoff because they gave the entire Carter family exactly what they deserve. He says now everyone in TNA has to play by the new rules, and those new rules are dictated by the new regime. The ENTIRE Carter family? What does Jay-Z have to do with this? Is Hova a target of Abyss?
(okay, so I typed “Abyss” a couple of times. Shush.)
Just then, Fourtune comes out, and SoCal Val holds open the ropes for them. She’s got some thickness to her. Me likey. Anyway, Ric grabs the mic and says that word of mouth should have told them that TNA is run by Fourtune. He says they are the heart and soul and they run things. He then calls someone a “dipshit” and it gets bleeped. Flair says Hogan needs to go, that someone on Fourtune’s side is ready to die, but can Team Hogan say the same. Hogan and Flair tease a fight but then hug. *sigh*
Bischoff says that after 25 years, Hogan and Flair are on the same team, for the same reason. He says Carter had the audacity to bring in used up garbage and compare them to hulk Hogan and Ric Flair. He says it was the nail in Dixie’s coffin. Okay, I guess I buy that.
Hulk says this was a master plan, and that the greatest wrestler of all time was destined to make this plan work. Flair says he’s gonna wake up and love Hulk Hogan more than he’s ever loved anything. Hogan asks if Flair will love him more than his five ex-wives. Flair says yes and tells them to kiss his ass. You tell ’em, Ric.
Bischoff then introduces Jeff Hardy, who apparently has new entrance music. It’s not better, but it sure is new. Jeff makes his way down to the ring and grabs the microphone. Crowd is chanting “You Sold Out!” Hardy says he didn’t sell out, he sold in. He says that popularity doesn’t mean a damn thing to him. He blames the people, the cheers for his pain. Greed for his anger. He says he destroyed himself for what, pinched nerves and herniated discs? He says the men in the ring care about him more. Hardy says RVD is just like an asshole who won’t admit he’s an ass-kisser, just another politician. He says he never played that game and never will. Hardy says he’s the whole effin’ reason Aby destroyed RVD. Hardy says they are immortal and they will live forever. That wasn’t redundant, he just said the same thing twice.
They show Sting and Kevin Nash on the big TNA screen and Bischoff invites them down to join the party. He says they still love them, but Sting and Nash look sad. Hogan says to let bygones be bygones. Hulk says they’ve got two more empty seats and says this is the future. Nash and Sting get up and get to walkin’.
We are then treated to our first commercial break of the evening. It’s Michael J. Fox in Marty McFly gear! Yes! Apparently him and Christopher “Doc Brown” Lloyd will be at this year’s Scream Awards to celebrate the twenty-fifth anniversary of Back to the Future. Scream Awards, you’ve just earned a spot on my Dee Vee Arr.
Impact hath returned and Dixie Carter is in the building. She tells her security guard to not leave her side at all. They cut down to the ring and out comes Kevin Nash and Sting. They come down to the ring and Bischoff starts talkin’. He says this is about money and Sting and Nash are both welcome to join the team.
Nash says it’s almost a perfect fit, that his whole career has been about money, that he hasn’t really cared about anybody else. He didn’t care if anyone starved or lost the roof from over their head. He says a funny thing happened tho’–as he got older, he got wiser. Nash says that the bible calls grey hair a sign of wisdom, and with wisdom comes compassion. He says the guys in the back are his friends, not people to take money from. Nash says they’re his family and that this time he’s gonna pass on the money and that he wants nothing to do with them and if they want to run the company into the ground they can do it without him.
Sting grabs the mic and says he didn’t come to TNA five years for this. He says he came because he loves TNA. He says he wouldn’t have sacrificed his body for TNA. He says they’re not just words, he loves this place. He calls the group in the ring a “No Win Situation” and he won’t repeat history once again. His answer is no. Nash and Sting leave the ring.
Bischoff says they’re nuts, that it’ll always be about money and power. He says if they change their minds they can find them kicking ass, taking names, and printing money while Nash and Sting sit at home and get fat watching them.
We cut to Taz “Dragon” Tazzworth and Mike “Night Hawk” Tenay, and they are lamenting what just transpired in the ring. Tenay gets word of what’s happening in the back. It’s “”The Pope”” D’Angelo Dinero and he’s asking what’s going on, that it was supposed to be Good Guys vs Bad Guys. Nash says “”The Pope”” should leave but Dinero refuses. He says he’s gonna continue the fight even if he has to go at it alone. That was a great little bit, and “”The Pope”” really sold that.
As Dinero leaves, Dixie Carter comes in. She says Nash and Sting can’t leave that she needs them. Sting says they tried to tell her but Dixie said they spoke cryptically, but if they spoke English she’d have believed them. Sting says she should’ve believed them and they walk away.
As Nash and Sting leave, Bischoff and Hogan confront her. She says Hogan is stealing the company from her and to admit they screwed her over. She slaps Eric and says she doesn’t want to hear from them. Hogan says if Dixie wants to have that conversation they’ll have to have it in HIS office.
We are then treated to our second commercial break of the evening. A commercial for Jackass 3D is shown…and I hate that I want to see that. Granted, I’ll see if for free because one of my BFFs is a manager at a movie theater, but I still hate it. You know who I hate more tho’? Bam Margera. I reeeaally hate him. Therefore, if he gets his ass kicked in the movie, it’ll be worth seeing it. Okay, I’m rambling.
Impact is back, and Dixie Cougar, er, Carter is in Hulk Hogan’s office. Dixie asks if Hogan did all this on person. Bischoff is taking video of her on his phone. Tres creepi, sir. Hogan says he did screw her over because she said they’d change the business, but she never returned his calls. Dixie says she gave them the job to run the company. She then says Bischoff she never trusted them for a second. Hogan says it’s his company, Dixie says over her dead body, and she called him a “Smug Shit!” Nice! She’s screaming for security to get them out of her office, Hogan tells security to get that piece of garbage out and security escorts Dixie out. Someone named “Serge” tries to intervene, but security punches him in the face and tells him not to be a hero. Dixie gets escorted out and that was intense.
We are then treated to our third commercial break of the evening, which I use to take note of how truly sore I am. My goodness did I kick some ass at the gym today. It’s worth it tho’. Each rep is a rep closer to finally, one day, maybe, quite possibly… *say it with me* …making out with my hot friend Vanessa.
Impact is all back and junk, and we cut to an arriving someone or other. She’s hot, and I think that’s Chelsea (Desmond Wolfe’s girl), but her rack was bigger. Oh, wait, never mind. That was J-Woww from Jersey Shore. I’m kind of proud I didn’t know that. Anyhoo, Mike Tenay is still all shocked and then mentions that, on top of everything else, now J-Woww has shown up. Well then.
We cut back to the Impact Zone, and out comes Madison Rayne. It’s Cold Shower time in the Mundo Household! They show stills from the “Bound For Glory” where Tara won the TNA Knockouts title. Madison has the microphone and says that “Bound For Glory” was the biggest nite in professional wrestling and it’s biggest ppv. Madison says she had a plan that involved her becoming a three-time TNA Knockouts champion. She says it didn’t happen because her title is around Tara’s waist right now. She says Tara has her to thank for having her job back in TNA. Madison demands that Tara comes down to the ring and give her what she deserves, which is a Knockouts Title match. Tara acquiesces and really, Tara’s kinda hot. Mmm.
Madison reminds Tara that she’s the reason Tara is back in TNA. She signed the contract letting her be in the ring and in the match on Sunday. Madison says they had a deal and Tara owes her. She implores Tara does the right thing. She implores her like eight times. Tara hesitates and then lays down. Madison Rayne covers her and… wait, I wasn’t ready!
It’s Tara (c) vs Madison Rayne for the TNA Knockouts Title!
Tara lays down. Madison covers and gets the pin!
Winner (and new champeen!): Madison “No, seriously, some days I look like friggin’ Rahzar” Rayne!
(there, much better!)
Post-Match, Madison Rayne grabs the belt and runs around in circles. She’s bouncing. Yeah, I said it. Ya know, actually, she’s not bouncing. I though I paused it in mid-bounce, but those suckers are just motionless. Anyway, Mad-Ray is crying and whatnot, telling her mom she did it. Madison’s music is pretty awesome, btw. Maybe the best theme in TNA. Mad-Rahzar grabs the mic and says she knows that was the toughest match Tara’s ever had, but gets cut off by Mickie James. mmm. I can’t believe they thought she needed to lose weight. My goodness. Her body is friggin’ awesome. Stupid American culture and their desire to have every girl look like a bobblehead with double d’s.
Mickie James has a miggity miggity microphone and asks if Mad-Ray calls herself a champion. The crowd chants “Mic-kie! Mic-kie!” and says she finds Madison’s win disgraceful. She says Madison has made a mockery of the title, a title Mickie told her she was gunning for. She says she’s coming for it right now and heads to the ring. Madison begs off and sics Tara on her, but Mickie kicks her out of the ring. Madison bails and Mickie poses with the belt. Mickie is being all hot and junk and we cut backstage…
…where THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE ARE! Holy cow, Hot Shower Hour is in the heezy! Velvet compliments Angelina Love’s earrings (they say “Love”) and do some girl chittering, and in walks whoever the heck “J-Woww” is. Lacey freaks out, and J-Woww asks where she can find The Shore’s Cookie.
(Wow, did I really type that sentence? Shit. I did.)
Anyway, J-Woww asks where she can find Cookie, and then says what’s up to the beautiful people. Angelina asks what she’s doing there, and J-Woww, who my friend Maya saw in the gym once (she’s a Long Island girl), says she’s looking for “A bitch named cookie who’s been talking a lot of shit.” Okay, that made me laugh. I’m not a Jersey Shore fan at all, but I’m even less of a fan of the TNA rip-off stable. The Beautiful People say they don’t know and that Cookie is new here, and J-Woww says they should make it her last nite. The Beautiful People are agreeable, and as they walk out, my beautiful Lacey Von Erich says the four of them should go shopping and ask what J-Woww is doing after the show.
We are then treated to our fourth commercial break of the evening, which I use to dump three full trays worth of ice cubes into my boxer briefs.
Impact-ay is ack-bay with The Beautiful People and J-Woww searching for Cookie. They go to check the men’s (mens?) room because apparently Cookie looks like a man. She wasn’t in the men’s room. They keep searching, and Eric Young appears saying “Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God” and asks “Bow Wow” for her “Herbie Hancock” on his boobies. He asks if he’s a “gorilla”, and then out comes Orlando Jordan. He says J-Woww looks fabulous and wants to put his lollipop in her mouth. J-Woww takes the lollipop and drops it. Young says J-Woww should take him on Dancing With The Stars and Orlando says that Jersey Shore sucks. Okay, I know everyone hates Young and Jordan, but they crack me up. They’re like Goldust and Booker T from 9 years ago, only a bit weirder and a bit more modern. Bah. WHATEVER!
We’re back in the Impact Zone, and out comes Kurt Angle, sans music and beneath-the-stage elevator. Also, I know nobody cares, but I shaved today. I’m all kindsa groomed. Anyhoo, Kurt grabs the mic and says that before he officially makes his retirement statement he’d like to get a few things off his chest. So long, Los Nipples Del Kurt! Also, I’m pretty sure we’re like an hour in and there hasn’t been one “real” match. :-/
The crowd is chanting “Please Don’t Go” and I think the crowd wants Kurt Angle to sing this song:
Kurt thanks the people for their chanting and then says that he’s a man of his word. Kurt says that he’s busted his ass for the last six months and that he gave everything he had–he dislocated his ribs, he re-injured his neck, he got stitches and his whole body is hurting. He says he wants to know why Hogan and Bischoff screwed him at “Bound For Glory.” He says he doesn’t expect them to come out, but if he’s gonna state his retirement, he needs some answers. He says he’s a little confused because he didn’t win the title at “Bound For Glory”, but he also didn’t get pinned either. He says that he’s kind of in a dilemma right now. Also, a fan yelled out “Walk It Off!” after Angle mentioned the injured neck, and Kurt shot such a disgusted, angry look that I pointed to F.R.E.D. so he wouldn’t think it was me.
Just then, Jeff Jarrett’s godawful music hits and out comes Double J with a miguelophone. Jeff asks what kind of dilemma there is, that it’s real simple. Kurt said if he didn’t win the title he wouldn’t wrestle anymore. Jarrett says he didn’t, so he shouldn’t. Jarrett says he never heard that if he got screwed or didn’t get the pin he WOULDN’T retire. He asks if out of all people Kurt is making excuses. He then makes an ex-husband crack. Ouch. Jarrett says he was determined to get payback for Kurt making his life a living heck.
Angle says first of all, Jarrett can have that slut. The crowd loved that, and so did I (google it, kids). Kurt asks how he made Jarrett’s life a living hell, by putting TNA on the map? By talking up TNA any chance he had? By mentoring the rookies? Or was it the fact that after Angle came in it was no longer about Jarrett. He asks how many TNA world titles he won before he arrived. He says Jarrett held down everyone for his own benefit, but he couldn’t hold down Angle.
Jarrett tells Kurt to shut his mouth, and that this was about getting what was his back. He says he teamed up with Bischoff and Hogan to get his company. He says that he’s taken everything else he possibly could from Angle, and taking his career was the final nail in the coffin. Kurt makes his way towards Jarrett, but security jumps Angle. They handcuff him and Jarrett takes shots at him. Angle spits on Jarrett, and then Jarrett snaps and slams Angle’s head into the stage, super-hard, with no way for Angle to protect himself. Jarrett looks like he has some remorse, but then continues the pummeling.
Just then, Taz jumps own from the announce position out of concern for Angle’s “Fucked up neck.” Jarrett backs off and Taz tends to Angle. In his spoiler report of this show, Glazer said he doesn’t know why an active wrestler couldn’t come out to the aid of Angle and receive some shine. I counter with this: So many times I’ve watched the other company’s show and all these beatdowns and wondered why “The King” would never help anyone. I say that’s simple real-world logic. Taz saw a friend, a colleague under an unfair attack with no way to defend himself and his compassion and decency kicked in. Take THAT, Glazer!
We are then treated to our fifth (5th) commercial break of the evening, which I use to debate whether or not I should take back those in-jest shots at Glazer. Nah, I’ll leave them. He’s cool like that.
Impact es muy back-o! They recap the beatdown of Kurt Angle from a few paragraphs ago. They cut to Samoa Joe walking around in Daytona. Joe says he’s careful about who he trusts and that he made a mistake trusting Jeff Jarrett. Joe says Jeff chose Joe for a reason, to destroy everyone in front of him. He says Jarrett should fall asleep every nite knowing that that man who can destroy everyone…is looking for him. Nice. I like Samoa Joe. He’s way better than Fiji Pete or Federated States of Micronesia Arthur.
We go back to the Impact Zone, and out comes Abyss. Are we actually gonna have a match? There are matches on TNA’s wrestling show? Uh Oh, out comes an angry looking Samoa Joe.
It’s Samoa Joe vs Aby!
Joe opens up with a flurry–nay–a blizzard of punches! He also nails a pele kick on Abyss in the corner and follows it up with a choke. Joe ducks a clothesline and hits another kick on Aby. Joe hits a senton backsplash on Aby and the crowd is chanting “Joe! Joe! Joe!” More jabs by Joe on Aby, but Abyss executes a chokeslam outta nowheresville!
Aby goes to the outside and grabs the super-sexy SoCal Val’s steel chair. Joe senses the danger and hits a sick suicide dive on Aby, chair be dagnabbed! That was cool. Aby recovers tho’ and hits Samoa Joe with the bell. Ref calls for the bell to be rung.
Winner: No Contest.
Aby keeps punching a busted-wide-open Samoa Joe, and RVD comes out to make the save. Aby bails with Janice (the 2x4xnails) and refs’n’trainers come in to check on Samoa Joe. Joe knocks everyone away and then leaves the ring. Rob Van Dam grabs the mic and is serenaded with an “RVD! RVD!” chant. RVD tells Jeff Hardy to come out, that he owes his fans an explanation on another nite, but tonite’s not about that. He says that Hardy betrayed his confidence and his support.
Hardy shows up on the TNA Big Screen and is rambling about friendship. He says Abyss carved RVD up and then Hardy chewed him up. He refers to himself as the new antichrist of professional wrestling, and then the screen flickers out. Eric Bischoff makes his way to the entrance ramp and says that if RVD wants a shot at Jeff Hardy at their next pay-per-view, “Turning Point”, he’ll have to defeat Mr. Anderson in a #1 Contender’s Match. RVD says to get Mr. Anderson out there, and then he’ll kick Jeff Hardy’s ass. Bischoff tells him to settle down and lets RVD know he’s got his work cut out for him.
We are then treated to our sixth (6th) commercial break of the evening. It’s a parody of KanYe West’s “Power” portrait for a character named “Radon”, on a show called Blue Mountain State. I tried watching that show once and I’m pretty sure it gave me both Restless Leg Syndrome and Heartworms.
Impact is _ _ _ _, four letter word meaning “Opposite of Front”, with Eric Bischoff and Miss Tessmacher (mmmmm…) canoodling in a secret hallway somewheres. Eric compliments her on her pearl necklace, and says that after the show she should come to his place for a cocktail and see what comes up. She agrees, and then Eric calls her easy. He says that Kevin Nash and “”The Pope”” know how easy she is. He says she should keep her mouth shut and her *censored* *censored*. He says she almost cost him his whole plan. He says they’re thru, and the only way she can stick around is by joining the Knockouts division. He tells her to get her 38 Double Ds away from him and that he’s through with her. Wow. That was offensively misogynistic, and that there is the difference between me making goofy chismo jokes and actual degradation. Ugh.
Post-woman bashing, Mr. Anderson confronts Bischoff. He shakes Eric’s hand and says that in a million years he never thought he’d meet a bigger asshole’n’douchebag than him. He squeezes his hand and lets Eric know he won’t win this war. Anderson leaves, Bischoff calls him a Son of a Bitch and tends to his mashed manos, hands of fate.
We go to the Impact Zone and out comes “”The Pope”” D’Angelo Dinero. Fourtune comes out next.
It’s “”The Pope”” D’Angelo Dinero vs Kazarian, Douglas Williams, “The Phenomenal” A.J. Styles and Beer Money (Robert Roode and James Storm)!
Williams and Dinero lock up, and Dinero hits a couple forearms before Williams hits a shoulderblock. “”Pope”” his a flying forearm and a couple punches before a two-handed takedown. Kazarian tagged in next and Dinero sends him flying. Styles is in next and ends up getting laid out on the bottom rope where pope hits a sliding buttsplash on him. While he’s on the outside, Dinero gets drilled with a Matt Morgan kick and sent back into the ring. Styles covers but lifts Dinero up at two.
Roode tagged in and goes to work on Dinero, then tags in James Storm. Storm and Roode do their “Beer! Money!” chant/dance bit, and then Storm takes another shot at Dinero before tagging in Kazarian. Kaz sends Dinero into the Fourtune corner, Dinero lands a couple shots, but then Styles comes in. Styles is out after accidentally Pele kicking Kaz, but Beer money lays out Dinero with a double team Powerbomb-Neckbreaker combo. Kazarian gets the pin and then Fourtune rushes the ring to pummel “”The Pope”” D’Angelo Dinero.
Winners: Fourtune–Kazarian, Beer Money, A.J. Styles and Douglas Williams
Post-match, Fourtune poses for a bit.
We cut backstage where Robbie E. and Cookie aka “The Shore” are making their way out to the ring. Then they cut to The Beautiful People and J-Woww and J-Woww says they’ll just have to whoop Cookie’s ass in the ring. My goodness, that was like a combined 84 Q-Cup walking down to the ring. Where was that ice pack?
We are then treated to our seventh (7th) commercial break of the evening, which I use to take on F.R.E.D. in a high-stakes game of chess. The winner gets my bed and human food for a week, the loser gets to dog food and the floor in the living room. I swear, one of these days I’m gonna beat him.
Impact has returneded and here comes “The Shore”, Robbie E. and Cookie. Robbie does a lousy fist-pump, I’ll tell ya. As a matter of fact, I loved the “Guido Fist Pump” before Jersey Shore came along. My buddy Sean put me up on that bit years before JS and I cracked up. Now everyone does it. Bah!
Anyway, Robbie E. says they’re on the same time JS is on. The crowd chants “Boring!” and “Who Are You?” Robbie says since “The Shore” debuted, nobody wants to watch JS anymore. Cookie grabs the mic and insults the JS gang and calls J-Woww “J-Cow.” Speaking of which, out comes The Beautiful People (mmmm…) and J-Woww. J-Woww can’t keep a straight face. Cookie calls J-Woww “J-Cow” to her face but J-Woww takes her earrings out. Cookie says for J-Woww to take her weave, earrings, and “dollar store funbags” out of the ring. Cookie smacks J-Woww, and then J-Woww bangs Cookie’s head against the ring apron like twenty three or twenty four times. Wow, that was an ass-whoopin’! The Beautiful People pull her off Cookie, and then J-Woww smiles and waves to the crowd. That was fun. J-Woww played her role very well, and that was pretty well executed by all parties involved.
We are then treated to our eighth (8th) commercial break of the evening. J-Woww looks like a Long Island girl. She’s cute but not really hot (most of the TNA Knockouts are hotter), but if she was at a bar or a T.G.I. Friday’s or the mall or something, you’d be like “Whoa!” In any event, I’m gonna google bikini pictures of her.
Impact is b-b-b-back with a recap of J-Woww vs Cookie. Tenay and Taz are still all confused about the Bischoff and Hogan hostile takeover. They recap what happened in the beginning, and I won’t recap it because if I recap a recap, we might destroy the space-time continuum. Also, apparently that “Serge” guy is Dixie Carter’s husband. Okay then.
Mr. Anderson comes out for the Impact Main Event.
It’s Mr. Anderson vs Rob Van Dam In A Match To Determine The #1 Contender For The TNA World Heavyweight Championship!
RVD comes out next but apparently it’s break time.
We are then treated to our ninth (9th) commercial break of the evening. F.R.E.D. is laying down on the living room carpet, and his legs are kicking. I wonder if he’s dreaming about a sexy dog version of The Beautiful People. Angelina Pug, Labrador Von Erich and Velvet Shar-Pei? Oh, and as for the chess game, it’s been postponed until F.R.E.D. gets back from his Prague trip. Should be back sometime next week.
And this one time? At band camp? Impact was back! The bell rings and the match is underway. There are dueling “Let’s Go Ass-Hole!” “R.V.D.!” chants alternating. Punches are traded to start, then Anderson chops RVD, who kicks Anderson for his insolence. Another spin kick from Anderson, and then Rob sends some shoulders into Anderson’s midsection. RVD reverses an Irish Whip and then monkey-flips Anderson across the ring. An RVD cover gets a two count and Anderson heads to the outside where RVD nails a moonsault on Anderson.
Impact is done! Welcome to Reaction!
Both men in the ring, RVD goes to the top but Anderson knocks Van Dam junk-first onto the top turnbuckle. Scrambled eggs! RVD recovers, but Anderson scrambles his juevos for the second time! Superplex by Anderson on RVD and both men are down. Anderson makes a couple of covers but only gets a two-count. Anderson is up and stomps away at RVD, then grinds his face into the mat with his boot. Anderson misses a clothesline but hits a sick back-elbow that gets a two-count. Anderson has RVD in a rear chinlock, and the crowd starts chanting for RVD. RVD powers out, hits the ropes, but gets kneed in the breadbasket and flips over. Anderson is in control, and I think it’s because RVD is wrestling in a t-shirt.
Anderson goes to work on RVD in the corner, hitting a couple kicks. He drags RVD from out of the corner, but RVD is throwing punches. Anderson responds with a knee to the face. RVD hits a couple clotheslines tho’ and a big kick, and he’s signaling for the Rolling Thunder, but Anderson catches him into a firemen’s carry. RVD wiggles out and manages to hit a split legged moonsault on Anderson who was down. Anderson responds by catching RVD on his shoulder again, hits a rolling diving flipping slam, but only gets a two count. Anderson is up on the top rope but misses a swanton bomb! RVD clears the cobwebs and then heads to the top. He tries the Five Star Frog Splash but Anderson got the knees up. Maybe next time RVD should try the Trapper Keeper Frog Splash, or the Marble Composition Notebook Frog Splash.
Just then, Bischoff comes out and pulls the ref out of the ring and walks him up the stage talmbout “Don’t ask stupid questions, just come down.” Ahh, the ruse is revealed, as Jeff Hardy comes out with a chair. He nails RVD and Anderson in the back (“in” the back, not “from” the back–not that there’s anything wrong with that). Hardy puts Anderson’s arm in a steel chair and then gives a Twist of Fate to RVD on it. Anderson is writhing in pain and RVD is out cold from the “Twist of Hate” (a clever call by Taz). Jeff Hardy celebrates as a large portion of the front row gives him the middle finger.
The Impact-Reaction Overrun is over’n’done. Show’s over, Synergy!
Okay, so while I wasn’t crazy about the decisions made for “Bound For Glory”, I thought this episode of Impact gave some pretty good explanations for what happened. I’ll take it. Not a lot in terms of wrestling action, but I enjoyed it for the most part. Plus, I feel like there was a ton of eye candy, and that’s always good. A new day in TNA, so here’s to being patient and hoping some logical stuff happens. They can work with what they have, even with the weird direction they took it in, so let’s go with that.
This has been Suspension of Disbelief.
Rey Mundo is Pulse Wrestling’s TNA Impact recapper. He’s also a guy who knows all of the words to “Weird Al” Yankovic’s “Polka Your Eyes Out”, and is proud of it. Also, just for the record, J-Woww is still CGI Status.
Tags: Abyss, dixie carter, Eric Bischoff, Fourtune, Hulk Hogan, Jeff Hardy, Mickie James, The Beautiful People, The Pope D'Angelo Dinero, TNA, tna impact, TNA Wrestling