For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 1/24/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 1/24/11

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, expanding like the Rumble entrants column on the Pulse, For Your Consideration. I’m your feet have barely missed the floor host Andrew Wheeler, and we are just a few short days from the beginning of the next step on the Road to Wrestlemania. Seriously, the WWE builds up all of this momentum, but like a kid on prom night, they usually blow it in an unsatisfying manner.

Since there’s nothing incredibly noteworthy to discuss, I’m going to abandon my normal preamble and get right down to business (because the last thing anyone on the planet wants to read about is ANOTHER person chiming in about the Rumble upping its number to 40, the fact that Smackdown’s heel stable is named after a Hilary Swank movie or that Teddy Long was probably laid out by That’s Gotta Be…That’s Gotta Be…Kane). Remember, you can follow me on Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316), Friend me on Facebook and post in the comment section down below. Now that the shameless whoring is out of the way, onto…

The RAW Judicial Review for 1/24/11

“The Champ is here.”

I’ve got no fear and no doubts about saying that the show is opening with the always nausea-inducing Nickelback theme. But hey, on TV-PG being able to say “balls” is a victory.

This week marks the dramatic return of the pyro and ballyhoo because people in Detroit love explosions and loud noises when not accompanied by gunfire.

Lawler says that Miz facing Edge later is worlds colliding, so someone better warn George Costanza. Continuing the Seinfeld theme, we’re entering bizarro world as RAW is opening with Smackdown’s World Champion, Edge.

Edge says that he doesn’t feel like “Waiting”, the Ryan Reynolds “Clerks” knockoff. He also doesn’t like having to wait for people, which he lays out for us with several examples including airport wackiness and how much Michael Cole sucks. Edge accents his point by taking his shirt off, revealing his tribute to the Yeti.

The GMail goes off, and I paraphrase…”the Miz/Edge match was already scheduled for later. The GMail didn’t forget about being smashed because it thought Edge loved it…loved it. No, I don’t know why it’s talking like a lamb either. The GMail reveals through Cole as his conduit that there will be a mini-Rumble right now.

Biff Swangle, Tyson Kidd and Drew McIntyre all charge the ring and if one of them tosses Edge over the top rope, they will be #40. Kidd gets dumped early, followed shortly by Swangle. Drew goes sailing third and just like that a decent chunk of the midcard was sacrificed for no real reason.

Edge thanks the GMail and says he’s going to do what he did the last time he was on RAW, destroy a laptop. Unless that thing was serviced by the assclowns at Best Buy, I don’t know anyone that wants to see a smashed laptop.

This gets interrupted by the PuNexus, who are out in matching shirts and matching lack of pants. If there’s one thing they won’t stand for, it’s senseless vandalism of technology. Screw Edge and his Amish ways.

Punk says that only the strong survive, and the strong survive not just from being strong or their strongness but because of evolution. Whoa, talking about evolution? I guess we’re not in the South. Punk says that there are 40 men in the Rumble and he will adapt. CM Punk introduces Mason Ryan.

Mason Ryan says he has one thing to say: faith. His one word comes from a George Michael song?

Punk says that unlike fake Cena and fake Hilary Swank Movie, PuNexus will unite to help CM Punk become the 2011 Royal Rumble winner.

Hilary Swank Movie is out now, complete with theme music that rivals Rob Conway’s “Con Man” song. Like in poker, they see PuNexus’s no pants-wearing-ways and top it with no shirts.

Wade says that his group isn’t a brainwashed dictatorship, and they are all equal…except Heath Slater of course. Ezekiel Jackson, who talks like a Speak-N-Spell, promises to eliminate CM Punk. He and Mason Ryan stare down

The GMail goes off, and I paraphrase…Smackdown stars have to play by his rules. With Teddy Long joining Vince in coma-land, tonight we’ll see Wade Barrett v. CM Punk, with the losing man’s stable out of the Rumble. The special guest referee for the match is Primo Colon. Wait, no, I think he said John Cena. Sorry, I knew it was a main event talent, I just wasn’t sure which one.

Holy crap there was a lot in that opening segment. Guess that means we’ll be in for several short segments with wacky “comedy” to compensate. Bring on Borscht Marinara, after this…

Commercial.

The Slam of the Week is brought to you by some game that isn’t Crash Bandicoot: Last Week’s fake-assed Rumble where Mark Henry eliminated a bunch of people to show that “anyone” can win the Royal Rumble…just not Mark Henry.

We’re back with John Slo-Mo-Rrison, who Cole referred to as being red hot. Guess now that don’t ask, don’t tell is gone, Michael Cole can let his freak flag fly. Cole calls him a dark horse, despite the fact he was just the #1 Contender.

John Slo-Mo-Rrison w/ Beard & Mark Hey-Hey-Henry v. Rib King Sheamus & Alberto Del Rio

Ricardo Rodriguez is getting some decent heat for himself. Speaking of heat, here comes Alberto Del Rio, who is making the most out of this opportunity.

Morrison and Del Rio start it off and Alberto escorts John to the corner, where he has a clean break, which of course means he cheapshots him for a while. Oh that scallywag. Del Rio tags in Sheamus, who hammers John for a moment before getting flipped by a flying headscissor. That lasts for a few seconds as Sheamus tags in Del Rio, making them the most cohesive Mexican/Irish duo since I had Chipotle and a Guinness.

John dumps Alberto over the top rope and he crashes hard into a….

Commercial.

We’re back and Del Rio had Morrison comfortably in a resthold. Alberto breaks it and drops some knees into John’s back for two. Morrison tries to make the tag into Henry, but it gets blocked by an elbow to the back.

Michael Tarver is in the back watching the match, which is a shock since I had no clue he still worked there.

Sheamus drops Morrison and unleashes his O’Doyle Rules yell before locking in a very pale version of Del Rio’s resthold. John fires back and I honestly forgot that this wasn’t a handicap match. Sheamus hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two on John Morton

Sheamus goes for a clothesline but John ducks and connects with a kick to the back the gingerbread man. Henry and Del Rio both get tagged in and Alberto bounces off of Mark Henry like he was a trampoline instead of just a large man covered in the mesh they use to make trampolines.

Mark Henry takes out Del Rio but Sheamus hits the bicycle kick on him. Morrison hits a flashkick and knocks Sheamus to the outside but looks like he tweaked his knee. In the ring, Alberto Del Rio locks in his armbar submission and that’ll do it.

Sheamus and Del Rio pose in the ring together, looking like a before-and-after ad for spray tans.

Commercial.

WWE Tramp Stamp Title Match: Melina v. Natalya

Giddy up, giddy up, let’s go, because here comes Melina. She does her heel leg split, which is totally different from her face leg split. RAW Tonight is brought to you by Dead Space 2, which is what Spike calls Impact. Natalya is out next and there is no reason for her to not be wearing her prestigious title.

The women lock up and Melina backs Natalya into the ropes and shoves her to the outside, all the while screaming. Joy. She tosses Natalya back into the ring and smashes her face into the mat. Melina stomps Nat into the ground for two before locking in an impressive looking scissor. It looks good for a minute until you realize that they were trying to set up a situation where Nat would carry Melina on her back like Yoda in Empire, but they were both pretty sloppy about it and thus negated my chance of giving this praise. The match gets sloppier and sloppier as Natalya drops Melina on her skull. Jesus. Melina takes Natalya down and kicks her in the baby maker a few times before we pull out the Perfect/Hart Summerslam finish where Natalya catches her leg and turns it into a sick looking Sharpshooter.

LayCool comes out now as I begin to think that I just dreamt the brand split. Layla and Michelle say that Natalya will lose weight in a few days before calling her fat. Oh, that’s just uncalled for. How dare they objectify women. Layla and Michelle feel that they never got a title rematch, so they will bring the Diva division from classless to flawless. Hey, that’s their catchphrase. What are the odds?

Commercial.

Remember, if you wanna learn how to repair cars, enlist at Urinary Tract Infection.

We’re back and there’s a giant Tiger statue. Super. This somehow leads to a Cena/Punk video package, I guess due to the stripes in CM Punk’s hair. We then get some Passion of the Punk music to highlight his sacrifice.

Otunga, Slightly Perfect and Husky are in the back all cowering in their t-shirts about whether or not they’ll lose their Rumble slots. Punk shows up with Mason Ryan and says that they should all believe in the power of sacrifice. If this leads to them bringing back that awful Creed song, I quit.

Punk says that when he main events Wrestlemania, their lives will change. Husky takes off his hat and says that if Punk comes out at #1 and gets eliminated, then what? Mason Ryan says that they should focus on eliminating John Cena, but rest assured that Punk won’t be eliminated. What is the point of making Nexus look like a bunch of blithering idiots? Punk again asks them all to have faith before asking them to take a knee. What is this, pee wee soccer? I half-expect him to pull out orange slices and Gatorade.

Mini-Orton introduces John Cena, who says that as a WWE Official, he’s always done the right thing. He doesn’t know what’s going to happen, because no one’s brought him his new script. Cena promises to eliminate PuNexus and The CorRe. This leads to The Miz and Mizfit showing up. Miz says that everyone needs to realize that winning the Rumble is the worst thing that can happen to a wrestler since they would have to face The Miz. John asks Miz to beat him, but Miz refuses. Cena says that if Miz loses at the Rumble and loses his rematch, he won’t make it to Wrestlemania. He closes it by saying they smell like sewage for some reason.

The Miz asks if we think he’s going to lose at the Rumble, so he cues up footage of why The Miz is mid-90s NBC Thursday Nights.

Michael “Casual Male” Cole and Jerry “Mystic Tan” Lawler are on camera as Cole preaches the Gospel of Miz. Speaking of which, here comes The Miz. Michael Cole stands up to show respect to the champion, and if this were TV-14, Lawler would have made a joke about him having an erection.

WWE Champion The Miz w/ Mizfit & Briefcase v. World Heavyweight Champion Edge w/ Taped on Tuesday Ribs

Edge enters to cheers and the WWE Copyright logo so we know he’s a big deal. So it’s champion versus champion and that ISN’T the main event? Yeesh.

Before they lock up, Dolph Ziggler & Vickie Guerrero come down to the ring to do guest commentary. Super.

Edge and Miz tease lock-ups for a while until Edge scores with some punches. He hammers Miz for a while and connects with an elbow off the ropes. Miz comes back with some punches of his own and I’m starting to feel like Randy Orton because I’m hearing too many voices on commentary.

Edge grabs a hammerlock as Lawler begs the commentators to pay attention to the match. Miz gets clotheslined out of the ring and onto the…

Commercial.

We’re back and Edge and Miz are still going at full speed. Did the ref forget to let them know that we were on commercial? You’re better than that, Doan. Miz delivers some Main Event Stomps for two before locking in a resthold.

As Edge battles out, Jerry battles to keep the commentary focused on the match. This is why Cole as a heel doesn’t work because the team needs someone to focus the action, and that should never bee Lawler.

Edge sets up for The Spear but Miz rolls out of the ring. Edge follows him outside and Miz pops him in the ribs. Edge reverses Miz and rams him into the heavily padded barricade. He rolls Miz back into the ring as Dolph points out he doesn’t come in the backdoor, which is further proof Pat Patterson no longer has power in the company.

Edge and Miz wind up on the top rope battling for a superplex but Miz gets knocked off. Edge connects with a crossbody for two as Dolph reminds us for the tenth time that he’s facing Edge at the Rumble. He’s starting to sound like a mark for himself.

Edge charges Miz in the corner but The Miz moves out of the way. He suplexes Edge’s injured ribs across the top rope and this leads to another…

Commercial.

Is it too much to ask for Cole to make one snide remark about Edge’s busted ribs and Jim Ross’s BBQ sauce? I mean, I ask for so little.

Edge kicks out at two from the devastating commercial break, so Miz just keeps hammering away on him. Miz pulls at the tape on Edge’s ribs and locks in a leg scissor. Dolph says that Edge will be in the Danger Zone on Sunday, and I’m shocked that the WWE never made that the name of a weekend show. “Yoshi Tatsu versus Zack Ryder this Sunday on the Danger Zone, followed by Pacific Blue.”

Edge comes off the ropes with clotheslines and a running bulldog for two. Miz rams Edge and those tender, juicy babyback ribs into the turnbuckle. Damnit, I gotta stop watching this show when I’m hungry. Miz goes for a leaping clothesline in the corner but Edge moves out of the way.

The Mizfit grabs Edge’s leg, so Edge chases him to the outside. As he comes in, Miz gets a small package for two. The key to making that a successful small package would have been for him to switch from briefs to boxers. Edge dropkicks Mizfit and hits an Impaler DDT.

Edge sets up for a Spear but we can clearly hear Dolph take off his headphones a good two minutes before his “surprise” attack. Ziggler hits the ZigZag on Edge but here comes Randy Orton from out of nowhere and it’s a Rater RKO reunion. Orton hammers away on Miz after swatting away Dolph and Mizfit with ease. Randy RKO’s Mizfit and Ziggler, just to remind fans where they stand. Miz hits Randy in the knee with the suitcase and then heads for the hills. I didn’t even know there were hills in Detroit, aside from flaming mounds of trash. I kid, I love Michigan. It’s one of my 50 favorite states.

Commercial.

Finger Eleven has the official theme song for the Rumble. This might be their best song since Kane’s old entrance music.

Wade Barrett and Mini-Orton are in the back. Wade says that there was a bigger picture, but over time as he got closer to the title, he lost sight of his goal. He was obsessed, obsessed with breasts…er…the WWE Title. Now as a member of Team Hilary Swank, he has no issue with Cena. The rest of his team shows up as he reminds us that there is no leader. Matthews asks about the Teddy Long attack, which Wade won’t dignify with a response…before responding. Barrett’s goal is to make sure that Punk won’t make the Rumble. Wade then sucks up to Cena to close out.

Daniel Bryan & The Bella Twins v. Teddy DiBiase, Maryse & Alicia Fox

Oh come on, we already had a Divas match. Not even Bryan can get me excited to see this nonsense. Also, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Alicia Fox isn’t a natural redhead.

Bryan and DiBiase start out and Ted takes him down with a shoulderblock. They run the ropes for a while and come to a standstill. Maryse tags herself in and berates Ted, so I guess she’s stealing Tiffany’s old gimmick of hitting her spouse. One of the Bellas attacks Maryse, but the other Bella makes out with Bryan. The Legal Bella gets distracted and pinned. Well that was…uh…short.

Maryse high-fives Cole before flipping her hair. The Bellas continue to argue over Daniel Bryan and I find it funny that everyone had to put all their gear on for that. Seems like a waste of time to me.

Commercial.

The Bellas are in the back arguing and all of a sudden Michael Tarver appears in the background like Zelig. They both go into Daniel Bryan’s locker-room and find him making out with Gail Kim. He points out that she’s his girlfriend and my brain hurts. The gag was that he’s a VEGAN, not a VIRGIN. Gail says that Daniel felt bad for the Bellas since they haven’t had anything to do without Guest GMs. The Bellas and Gail Kim brawl for a second until the zebras come in to break it up.

Here comes the PuNexus, heading to the ring and heading to a…

Commercial.

This Friday, Miz and Dolph Ziggler versus Rated RKO.

PuNexus Members Husky Harris & Slightly Perfect w/ Mason Ryan v. Borscht Marinara w/ Snukette

Kozlov and Slightly Perfect start it off and Kozlov takes hin down with a waistlock. He tags in Santino, who works the arm. So are they supposed to be a serious team now?

Slightly fires back and drops Marella with a clothesline. He rams Santino into the corner and tags in Husky. Harris stomps him for a second before locking in a resthold. Husky breaks it and knees Santino in the skull. Harris short-arm clotheslines Marella for two.

Harris goes for a second resthold in 45 seconds, because a Tank with a Ferrari Engine burns through a lot of gas quickly. Husky knocks Kozlov off the apron but this allows Marella to unleash Five Moves of Wackiness. Santino goes for the Cobra but Slightly distracts him and Harris drops Marella for the pin.

PuNexus celebrate and for some reason David Otunga has a microphone. Otunga demands that everyone gives a warm welcome to CM Punk.

PuNexus all show their support of Black Power as Punk comes out, and we cut to the back where John Cena is walking towards a…

Commercial.

We’re back and PuNexus haven’t moved an inch. Now that’s dedication.

CM Punk v. Wade Barrett

Every time I hear that Wade’s from Manchester, I can’t help but sing “My baby takes the morning train…”

Both stables stare each other down like West Side Story, but not before they all pause to hear John Cena’s theme song. How great would it be if this was a giant double-swerve and they all just beat the holy hell of out Cena?

Cena throws PuNexus out, which takes about 2 minutes. Cena then throws out all of Team Hilary Swank, doing much of the same nonsense we just saw. John points out that it’s one on one.

Punk and Barrett stare each other down but before they can touch each other, Cena pops each one of them. Punk stomps away on Barrett and then tosses him over the top rope, which is what the literary types call symbolism. Cena then tosses Punk over the top rope, which is what literary types call plagiarism.

Barrett sneaks in from the back and drop Punk, so Cena runs to the outside to sign autographs. Punk jumps Wade from behind and they hit double-clotheslines. Cena calls for the bell and disqualifies both men for excessive profanity, knocking them both out of the Rumble.

John strides to the back but the GMail goes off. And I paraphrase…What we just saw was a blatant abuse of power. He can’t change the ref’s decision of a double-DQ, but he can change the consequences. CM Punk, Wade Barrett and their stables will all compete in the match on Sunday, thus negating the entire two hours we saw. Also, if Cena doesn’t go in the ring and apologize, Cena is out of the Royal Rumble. While we’re at it, someone should apologize for booking this segment.

Cena slides into the ring and apologizes before attacking Punk and Barrett. As the stables run into the ring, John slides to the outside. They all freeze, despite the fact that he’s mere feet away from them. Seriously, just go outside the ring. The floor isn’t made of lava.

Out of nowhere, here comes The Big Show and most of the locker-room. Who the hell thought a clean-shaven Big Show was a good idea? We’re closing out the show and I see Yoshi Tatsu…something has gone horribly, horribly wrong.

This has been for your consideration.