For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 5/23/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 5/23/11

Welcome back to the longest running, action-adventure, passive-aggressive, over the limit and under arrest column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I’m your sober-ish host, Andrew Wheeler, and this week there’s a lot to cover.

First, there’s no way anyone can start a wrestling column without addressing the passing of the legendary “Macho Man” Randy Savage. Since I’m the “wrestling” guy among my friends, I was inundated with texts and messages about his death from a wide range of people. Savage was more than just a wrestler, he was a pop culture icon. To most people, he was the guy from the Slim Jim commercials, the “Spider-Man” movie or the man who people used to hear say “Ooh yeah!” But to wrestling fans, he was one of the primary reasons any of us ever cared about this sport in the first place.

Randy Savage was the perfect Sports Entertainer. He was everything Vince McMahon could have possibly asked for from one of his talent. Savage was a guy whose character was just him being himself with the volume turned way up. Randy could cut promos that ranged from passionate to nonsensical, whether it was deadly serious threats about getting revenge or boastful rants involving the use of a teacup.

Savage’s ring gear was bright and flashy, which was a surefire way for him to be noticed. His extra-large sunglasses, feathered & sequined robed and neon colors were the precursor for Lady Gaga, a reference that is both accurate and infuriating.

Most importantly, Randy Savage was incredible to watch in the ring. It would be cliché to just mention his Wrestlemania III match with Steamboat and leave it at that, because most fans can agree that it very well may be the greatest wrestling match of all time. But Savage was more than just that match. He got probably the best match ever out of Ultimate Warrior, and could elevate everyone he ever worked with through aerial spots and just sheer excitement.

Randy’s storylines were some of the most memorable in wrestling history. His debut in World Wrestling Federation was so pitch perfect that it’s amazing it hasn’t really been done since. Savage had some flashy matches that caught the eye of several managers, all of them vying for him. In the end, he chose Ms. Elizabeth, beginning one of the most successful partnerships in wrestling history. Savage had great feuds with Steamboat (thanks to the infamous broken neck), Hulk Hogan (the build for the Mega Powers was something to behold), Jake Roberts (no kid could ever forget the sight of Randy being snacked on by a snake) and Ric Flair (the hilarious doctored photos of Flair & Elizabeth will always hold a special place in my heart).

Randy Savage was every element of Sports Entertainment, and his passing is a true tragedy. This past decade has seen many cathartic moments for wrestling fans; from Eric Bischoff appearing on RAW to Hulk Hogan donning the red & yellow one more time, from Bret Hart & Shawn Michaels making peace to The Rock & Steve Austin sharing the screen one more time. Sadly, the last big “moment” fans wanted to see was for Savage to take his curtain call. Surely he was always a candidate for the Hall of Fame, especially once it seemed that Vince was potentially willing to let the ugliness of the past stay in the past. Unfortunately, we never got that final moment, though his induction for next year is all but a lock (we hope).

Thank you Randy for making me a fan and for being one the all-time greats.

As for last night’s Over the Limit PPV, it was a solid but unspectacular show. Nothing truly unpredictable happened, with the exception of Bret Hart’s surprising (yet unnecessary) cameo in the Lawler/Cole match. Hopefully tonight will allow the company to build something special for the next PPV (says the man who clearly knows better).

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The RAW Judicial Review for 5/23/11

We open a Randy Savage in memoriam still. Hope he gets a full tribute tonight.

“The Champ is here.”

And for course there’s no video recap as we go right into Nickeback atrocities before there’s some pyro, ballyhoo and bright signs. Wrestling fans love loud noises and bright colors, apparently.

Jerry Lawler gets his own special entrance, since he…sigh…de-feet-ed Michael Cole. Lawler thanks the fans and says that our long national nightmare is over because Michael Cole’s winning streak is over. Jerry had a Hart up his sleeve, which brings out Bret “The Hitman” Hart.

Hart greets Portland with enthusiasm for some reason. He looks as weathered as those jean shorts. Bret hates Michael Cole, apparently, and he too makes the de-feet pun. Resurrection-Truth interrupts him and is somehow more racist than ever. He says it’s an honor to be in the ring with Bret Hart.

Truth points out that he’s been in zero championship matches. R-Truth looks for a Little Jimmy and gives him Bret Hart’s sunglasses. Truth says that this means he’s next in line for a WWE Championship match. He then steals the sunglasses back, making him a Tatanka Giver.

R-Truth says that actions speak louder than words and that he should beat up a Hall of Famer. Bret asks him to take his best shot but that he needs to realize that Hart got title shots because he had a good catchphrase. Truth isn’t getting title shots because he’s a freaking lunatic.

This brings out John Cena, who will defend his Stars’N’Bars against the disrespectful Truth. Cena shakes Bret’s hand and then goes back to dealing with Truth. He says that he’s not sure when R-Truth went crazy before asking him what’s up.

Truth says that the conspiracy is about John Cena. The fans only care about John Cena. Cena says that it’s all about “these people”. Truth says he never liked Bret and Cena. They’re all the same…because they all wear jorts.

The GMail goes off, and I paraphrase…Truth will be in a tag match with CM Punk against Rey Mysterio and John Cena. Oh, and Bret Hart will be the referee.

Big Show & Kane are sitting on a fancy car, so Ricardo Rodriguez runs over to yell at them. They shove him down, which brings out Alberto Del Rio. He yells at them in Spanish as we fade to…

Commercial.

WWE Giant Penny Tag Titles: Big Show & Kane v. PuNexus: Slightly Perfect & David Otunga

Kane and Otunga start it out with some mutated form of mat wrestling as we are treated to CM Punk on commentary. Kane tags in Big Show, who slaps Otunga’s chest. It’s one of the few moves he really can’t botch.

Otunga tags in SP, who gets dropped by Big Show and stepped on. No heavy-handed metaphor there. SP is launched over the top rope and he slams into a…

Commercial.

We’re back and PuNexus are double-teaming Kane. There’s something about Otunga getting offense on Kane that just looks wrong…even more wrong that David’s disproportionate physique.

Punk points out that Josh Matthews is terrible at his job for reminding us that Mason Ryan is standing behind him. SP gets tagged in and he does some punchy-kicky on Kane before tagging Otunga back in. David connects with a neckbreaker for two

Kane comes back with a shoulderblock and now it’s the hot tag to SP & Big Show. Show goes for the chokeslam but Mason Ryan comes in. Show goes for a double-chokeslam but Punk kicks him in the head and they double-DDT him for the pin.

And just like that, PuNexus has gold. It could be worse…it could be Mason Ryan.

Commercial.

We’re back with the most racist Obama caricature in a long time. Oh, and Randy Orton was in a Wal-Mart, which warranted a video package.

Jerry “Mystic Tan” Lawler and Josh “Mini-Orton” Matthews talk about how amazing Orton’s movie is before recapping the tag title change.

Big Show & Kane yelled at Scott Stanford in the back until Alberto Del Rio slaps them in the face. Rodriguez runs over Big Show’s leg and I’m pretty sure Kane just yelled “Khan!”

Commercial.

We’re back and Big Show is still down on the floor. More importantly, why is the car still there? This is the worst hit and run ever.

Kurt SwAngle v. Evan Bourne

Nice mat wrestling to start until Bourne runs into a boot to the skull. SwAngle gets a rest hold and it kinda looks like they’re arm-in-arm about to go to prom. SwAngle goes for a running Vader-Bomb but this opens the door for Token Offense. Evan gets caught in an Angle-Lock attempt but SwAngle breaks free. He gets caught out of nowhere in a powerbomb and it’s all over.

After the match, SwAngle does his dancing around the ring until he gets blindsided by Evan Bourne.

Michael Cole is in the back and he looks forlorn. He goes to shake Eve’s hand, and she gives him her leg.

Commercial.

Did you know a crapload of people watch RAW? Well, now you do.

The Rock’s movie made half a billion dollars worldwide. Better luck next time, worthy charities.

Michael Cole comes out with his sad face on as the fans chant “You suck toe.” Too bad Snitsky doesn’t work there anymore. Cole apologizes to Lawler, Matthews and everyone. All he wants to do is do commentary.

Lawler shows a still of Cole kissing his foot and then offers him breath mints, because he’s a prop comic now.

Awesome, here comes The Miz. Meh, also here comes The Mizfit. Miz says that the only reason he lost last night was because of The Mizfit. Miz demands a rematch against John Cena with Mizfit banned from ringside.

The Miz swears that he won’t leave the ring until The GMail goes off. Sure enough, The GMail goes off, and I paraphrase…The Miz’s title request is denied. He lost last night and he’s done with John Cena.

Miz blames Mizfit for costing him the belt and demands an explanation. Mizfit points out that he wasn’t the one who tapped out. Miz rips into him again and fires Mizfit…who I’m pretty sure is already on Smackdown. Miz hits Mizfit but Mizfit fires back and they brawl. In the end, Mizfit leaves Miz lying in the center of the ring waiting for a …

Commercial.

The Bella Twins, Melina & Maryse v. Eve, Kelly Kelly, Beth Phoenix & Gail Kim

Kelly and Bella roll around and then Kelly slaps her on the ass until there’s laughter and here comes Kharma. She goes to the center of the ring surrounded by all the Divas and she channels her inner Papa Shango by rocking back and forth crying. This goes on for way too long as we fade to…

Commercial.

Kofi Kingston v. Drew McIntyre

Hey, Drew got pyro. Good for him. Drew and Kofi run he ropes for a while until Drew knocks Kofi out of the sky and works over the knee. Drew throws Kofi in the corner and twists it until the four count. McIntyre then kicks out Kingston’s knee with his newfound tan aggression. Kofi out of nowhere comes back with some chops and goes for a one-legged Boom, Boom, Boom and connects.

Drew takes over and whips Kingston into the corner, where he beats him like a federally employed mule. McIntyre gets distracted and he gets rolled up by Kingston for the pin out of nowhere.

Dolph and Vickie are in the back watching in a palatial office.

They reshow that awful Obama video, but at least we got to see Chuck.

PuNexus are celebrating in the back as we go to…

Commercial.

We’re back as we again relive the whole Big Show v. Car nonsense. Alberto Del Rio is in the back with Scott Stanford and he says that Big Show brought this upon himself. He says it wasn’t his fault and he storms off.

We now get a Randy Savage package. Classy move on the WWE’s part.

Commercial.

Did you know that the Wrestlemania DVD sold a ton of copies? People have too much money.

Here comes Bret Hart in a ref shirt in a WWE ring. Oh, the irony.

Resurrection Truth & CM Punk v. John Cena & Rey Mysterio

Wow, there’s a lot of denim in that ring. Good thing the company’s sponsored by K-Mart. Punk, by the way, is decked out like Randy Savage. Cena attacks Truth to start and knocks him out of the ring and into a…

Commercial.

We’re back and Punk is wailing on John Cena. Cena reverses and connects with the Five Moves of Mediocrity attempt but Punk hides behind Bret Hart. Truth gets tagged in and he stomps away on Cena.

Punk gets tagged back in and drops a knee off the second rope for two. He locks in a resthold and muscles him into the corner to tag Truth back in. R-Truth connects with a suplex for two. Punk comes back in but Cena breaks free and tags in Mysterio, who pulls out a bunch of flippy moves. He kicks Punk in the head but Cena breaks it up. Cena tries to FU Truth but Truth breaks free and hits the Lie Detector. Mysterio goes for the 619 but gets caught in a GTS attempt. He blocks that and hits a 619 into a Bret Hart punch. Hart puts Punk in the Sharpshooter and Rey leg drops him for the pin.

This has been for your consideration.