Well, after the flight from hell I have returned to join Kelly Floyd in making your weekend a lot less dull than it needs to be. You can thank us in Kickstarter donations, since that’s all the rage these days.
Booker T heads to the ring in his hometown of Houston to announce that Sheamus needs to apologize to Alberto del Rio for taking his car for a joy ride last Monday night. Sheamus apologizes, del Rio says he’s pressing charges, and everyone decides to move the Summerslam title match to tonight. Huh.
Mike: And we’re back (a dinosaur’s story)!
Kelly: I totally own that movie. Anyway. We are indeed back! Didja miss us, folks?
Mike: Here comes King Bookah!
Kelly: Lookin’ snazzy, too.
Mike: Sharmell must have dressed him.
Kelly: Big shocker, I missed this episode of Raw that they’re recapping.
Mike: I did too, for obvious reasons.
Kelly: Yeah, couldn’t even be bothered to show up for your pride and joy…The Stomping Ground.
Mike: You did a none-too-shabby job with it this week.
Kelly: Eh, I just like the sound of my own voices. Or, the look of my own words. Or…something to that effect. Oh hey look, Sheamus!
Mike: What are the voices telling you now? I see Caramel Thunder is out to address Sheamus.
Kelly: They’re telling me that I like caramel. And I’m glad you’ve embraced that moniker.
Mike: I cringed when I typed that. Apparently if police charges are filed on a champion, he loses the title?
Kelly: That sounds fresh to me, but what the hell do I know.
Mike: Summerslam title match moved to Smackdown? I smell shenanigans. Of the backstage variety.
Kelly: Hmm. They always gotta ruin shit.
Mike: Drugs? Yes, drugs do.
Kelly: No, drugs are happy. They give me charm. And a terrible eye twitch, but mainly charm.
Cody Rhodes vs Sin Cara
Kelly: Hooray! So much caramel tonight. I should worry about my figure, but the hell with it.
Mike: Rhodes is finally back in the ring. Hooray!
Kelly: Oh snap, girl. Cody says that Cara wears a mask because he’s ugly. What is it with this dude and masks?
Mike: I think he wears the mask so he can’t be blamed for botching. “It wasn’t me; it was my stunt double!”
Kelly: LEAVE HIM ALONE. HE HAS MYSTIQUE.
Mike: Jennifer Lawrence or Rebecca Romjin? I like ’em both.
Mike: You get what you pay for, folks.
Kelly: So, like, Cody and Cara have been like, wrasslin’ and stuff. Cody’s targeting that mask, and the lighting is fantastic.
Mike: Does the lighting blink red when he takes too much damage?
Kelly: Oh my jesus fuck, that would be incredible.
Mike: I am such a genius.
Kelly: Indeed you are, and you know it’s difficult for me to say something nice.
Mike: Sin Cara wins after Cody spends too much time on the mask.
Wade Barret promo, followed by Daniel Bryan and Kane forced to shake hands in the ring before their match at Summerslam thanks to AJ.
Kelly: Oh dear sweet jesus, Barrett is coming backkkk!
Mike: Fight club! Who’s Barrett’s alter ego? Justin Gabriel?
Kelly: Take that back.
Mike: No! No! No!
Mike: I love me a good segue.
Kelly: He’s very perplexed right now, it appears.
Mike: Here comes Kane. THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE! THAT’S…THAT’S GOTTA BE KANE!
Kelly: And AJ is not far behind.
Mike: I like her behind.
Kelly: You have good eyesight.
Mike: Nah, just a good sense of smell.
Kelly: That’s…awkward. I like that she doesn’t wrestle anymore. I don’t like that she’s suddenly sane.
Mike: I don’t get it. She’s telling Kane she is happy that he treated her nicely….wasn’t the whole point of his return to become a monster again?
Kelly: They took something interesting and turned it into…TNA.
Mike: TNA has been pretty good recently, so….
Kelly: AJ orders Daniel Bryan to shake Kane’s hand. But suddenly…bitch slap! And a brawl breaks out.
Mike: Josh Mathews: “Daniel Bryan escapes into the WWE Universe.” Is that like getting swallowed up into a black hole?
Kelly: Only the black holes in their heads. It appears she’s still crazy AJ. So, good!
Mike: Hawkins and Reks ask Booker T for a shot but he tells them he’s looking for A+ talent.
Kelly: God damn it. I want to see more of Hawkins. He was one of the few people that made it fun to recap WWE Superstars before it went online.
Jinder Mahal abuses two jobbers to prove he’s just as strong as Ryback.
Mike: Here’s Jinder Mahal, going the Ryback route with a 2-on-1 handicap match.
Kelly: Why do they put this stuff on TV. Honestly.
Mike: Because the roster’s thin.
Kelly: After a super quick squash, Mahal continues with his assault, and here comes Ryback!
Mike: To do the exact same thing. Those poor jobbers.
Jericho’s Highlight Reel w/ Vickie Guerrero and Special Guest Run-In Dolph Ziggler
Kelly: Aw, my BFF Jericho.
Mike: He’s MY BFF!
Kelly: FUCK YOU.
Mike: Ziggler is apparently not here tonight, so instead we get Vickie trading insults with Y2J.
Kelly: And getting into an “EXCUSE ME!” fight. That was pretty funny.
Mike: Vickie threatens to walk off the show….and Jericho obliges her!
Kelly: This feels like old Jericho.
Mike: We get a recap of Jericho touting Alex Riley’s victory over Ziggler.
Kelly: Best Tout ever. I need to go and re-Tout that one.
Kelly: Tout is awesome. Folks, follow me on Tout! Username is KellyFloyd!!
Mike: I will never degrade myself or my readers by joining Tout or Twitter.
Kelly: Without Twitter, I wouldn’t be on Inside Pulse. So you can thank them or blame them, but it is what it is.
Mike: Jericho says he’s back to fun-loving Y2J! I’m SOOOOOO happy!
Kelly: This is one of the greatest things that Smackdown has churned out in quite some time.
Mike: WOW! What a briefcase shot to Jericho’s head!
Kelly: Jesus. That thing echoed.
Number One Contenders’ Match: Epico and Primo vs The Primetime Players
Mike: Kofi and Truth are at ringside for a number one contenders’ match to their tag team titles.
Kelly: First out are the Primetime Players.
Mike: Say goodbye to AW, folks.
Kelly: And say goodbye to Mike, since Epico and Primo are entering without their token vagina.
Mike: Hey, she’s dealing with an abusive, lying, cheating boyfriend right now. Give her space.
Kelly: R-Truth is apparently afraid of spiders.
Mike: AW throws water on the champs, forcing them to run in and attack the Primetime Players; ergo, they are the new number one contenders.
Kelly: But if AssWad is gone, what will happen to our poor little stereotypes??
Antonio Cesaro vs Christian
Kelly: I hate Cesaro’s music. It sounds like the music Guitar Hero would use in their tutorials.
Mike: Antonio’s a heel because he knows five languages. I get it.
Kelly: Here’s Christian!
Mike: This should be a good match between two great competitors.
Kelly: Yeah, I feel like we get to really see Antonio for the first time.
Mike: Christian off the top, but he’s caught!
Kelly: Boom. Big slam from Antonio to Christian, but he kicks out at two.
Mike: The face mounts a comeback with a Spear attempt….
Kelly: Holy shit! What did Antonio just do! What an uppercut!!!
Mike: Spear connects for the win!!!!
Kelly: And Cesaro is not a happy camper. He attacks outside the ring, introducing Christian’s spine to the barricade.
Mike: That was a good little match.
Kelly: I dug it.
Mike: Christian now has the distinction of giving Sin Cara and Antonio Cesaro their first televised losses.
Kelly: Bragging rights, indeed.
Mike: Was that sarcasm?
Kelly: Yes. Yes it was.
Eve and Kaitlyn both want to be Booker t’s new assistant, so next week they have to wrestle for it.
Mike: God, the things I’d do to Eve…
Kelly: God, the things I’d do to Kaitlyn…
Mike: I’d take them both.
Kelly: She’s still shopping for a job. And apparently the two will wrestle for the position.
Mike: So wait a sec….just follow my logic for a moment.
Kelly: This better be good.
Mike: Kaitlyn and Eve both want a job as Booker T’s assistant, right?
Mike: They both entered the company to become wrestlers, right?
Kelly: Correct, again.
Mike: So why are they wrestling to earn a job that no longer requires them to wrestle?
Kelly: Because they have vaginas. Therefore, do not matter, according to WWE. When was the last Divas match we watched on Smackdown? Betcha it involved AJ. And we know how long it’s been since that one.
The Miz vs Rey Mysterio
Kelly: Can I ask something?
Kelly: Why does Mysterio dress like The Riddler now?
Mike: I wondered that myself over a week ago. I think this time it represents the question of whether or not he broke into a convenience store riding an ostrich.
Kelly: I’m waiting for the Family Guy cut-away.
Mike: We could link people to the video feed.
Kelly: Do it. So wait, I already forgot. Are Sheamus and del Rio facing each other tonight?
Mike: Yes, dear.
Kelly: Okay, I thought so. Aren’t they kind of running out of time for a title shot? Oh well. Enough questions. Mysterio climbs to the top rope, stopped by Miz.
Mike: Hence the shenanigans I mentioned earlier.
Kelly: 619 is caught, Miz goes for SCF, is rolled up and Mysterio steals one.
Mike: Two losses in one week for the new Intercontinental Champion.
World Heavyweight Championship: Sheamus vs Alberto del Rio
Kelly: Ooo. Sassy black trunks. I’m sure it’s not the first time he’s worn them, but it’s the first I’m noticing so shut up.
Mike: I…didn’t say anything.
Kelly: So we have approximately five minutes for Ricardo to shut his trap, the bell to ring, the boys to wrestle, and still have someone mess it all up.
Mike: And here come the policia!
Kelly: Yup. Don’t even need to worry about the wrestling. Sheamus attacks them, and then del Rio.
Mike: The fake cops and Ricardo jump Sheamus! Eight-on-one!
Kelly: Now del Rio is just embarrassing Sheamus.
Mike: This is how a Mexican aristocrat should operate. All they have to do is refer to him as Generalissimo del Rio.
Kelly: Ouch. The cops leave, and Alberto uses his time wisely, locking in the Cross Arm Breaker. Sheamus makes out with the mat.
Mike: And according to wwe.com, Booker T has called off their Summerslam match.
Kelly: Oh boy.
Kelly: Actually not a bad show. Some stupid things here and there, but left me feeling pretty good.
Mike: I heard there was supposed to be an Orton/Swagger match but it got cut off the show for time constraints.
Kelly: Or cut off for mercy.
Mike: Either way, unless things change, Smackdown is without a title match for Summerslam.
Kelly: You know things will go down before that date. Bet on it.
Mike: That’ll do it for us this week, folks.
Kelly: Join us next week, as we try to piece all of this nonsense together.
Mike: So long…
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
Tags: abraham washington, aj lee, aksana, alberto del rio, Alex Riley, Antonio Cesaro, Booker T, chris jericho, christian, Cody Rhodes, curt hawkins, Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler, Epico, Eve, Intercontinental Championship, jack swagger, Jinder Mahal, Josh Mathews, Justin Gabriel, Kaitlyn, kane, Kelly Floyd, Kofi Kingston, Michael Cole, Mike Gojira, Primetime Players, Primo, R-Truth, randy orton, rey mysterio, Ricardo Rodriguez, Rosa Mendes, ryback, Sharmell, sheamus, sin cara, Smackdown, Summerslam, Teddy Long, The Miz, Tyler Reks, Vickie Guerrero, Wade Barrett, World Heavyweight Championship, WWE, WWE Tag Team Championship