THE RAGER! The Most Wonderful Time of the Year (All Things Royal Rumble)

I’m starting to believe WWE views the Royal Rumble the same way they do their video games. The running theory as to why WWE’s graphics have been so crappy the past few video games is because they know the kind of business that they’re going to drum up for it regardless, kids are still gonna pester their parents in buying it and WWE throws enough older wrestlers in the DLC to rope-in the attitude era fans. So if WWE knows that they’re going to have good numbers on games sales just by releasing it, then what incentive do they have in spending more money to find developers that are more competent than the clowns at Yukes that use the same crayon-drawn graphics from 2006 (possibly a slight exaggeration but you get the point).
The same goes for the Royal Rumble. It’s the Rumble, possibly the collective favorite match of wrestling fans and WWE knows they’re going to get a boost in business regardless of the effort they put into the card and build-up show. I say this because, as I stated on this week’s 10 Thoughts, the go-home show just felt like WWE was openly not even trying to lure more people to buy the Rumble. And they’ve kinda got a point because it’s not really going to stop people from watching it, at least not me.

It’s the Rumble. It’s my wrestling Christmas. Every new entrant is another present being unwrapped at the clock counts the down. Some of the presents are a great surprise (last year’s Jericho entrance is comparable to me getting all 3 volumes of Knightfall this past Christmas) and some presents are kinda horrific (any Khali participation is like that one year my extended family decided to play one of those surprise gift swapping games and a 9 year old Chris went home with a shiny new surge-protector) but it’s the anticipation of what is going to happen because it’s the one night where even the most rigid of smarks can be surprised.

So let us all gather around the table with our loved ones and enjoy this wondrous time of year.

Kick-Off Show: Tag Team Championship Match
CoDust(c) vs New Age Outlaws
Here’s a match that probably only exists because WWE is trying to find a way to fill up the card while using as little Rumble participants as possible. In this case, both members of Codust will be in the Rumble and I suppose NAOs could possibly make an appearance but Road Dogg already got a Rumble return moment so I’m thinking it’s more likely Billy will get that this year, if anything. Watching NAOs in the ring lately really forces one to marvel at the condition Goldust has kept himself in. That isn’t a knock on NAOs because they’re still in pretty good shape, especially Billy, but they seem to be gassed early in their matches whereas Goldust does so much more in each match and the only time he ever looked completely out of breath was after going 20 minutes against Orton. I will give Billy an out seeing as he’s a good 6 years older than both Road Dogg and Goldust but still, seeing Goldust continue to put on really good matches is pretty spectacular. Oh yeah, Cody is in there somewhere too.

W(x2)WE Heavyweight Championship Match
Randy Orton(c) vs John Cena
Yes, that is the new correct way of referring to the top championship in WWE because math and, last time I checked, Randy isn’t the champ of two different worlds. Also, the reason I bring up this match first is because I usually go in order of importance, starting with the least important. Does anybody actually care about this match? From the lack of sound happening at the end of Raw this past week, I don’t even think the kids give a crap about this match. I have no idea who is going to win because honestly, both guys are interchangeable to me and it really doesn’t matter who wins what. In a night that features THE Rumble match, we have found our bathroom break match.

A Match of Little-to-No Importance
Brock Lesnar vs Big Show
Big Show is gonna throw Lesnar around a lot, both guys are gonna move pretty slowly for a while and then Lesnar is going to do the same takedown-kimura lock combination about five times. Lesnar pulls off an F5 on Show, Michael Cole craps himself in amazement. Credits.

The “Why is This Happening?!” Match
Daniel Bryan vs Bray Wyatt
Man am I glad WWE finally around to reading all of my messages from before TLC about how much I wanted to see Daniel Bryan and Bray Wyatt face each other. That’s the thing about WWE, whenever they do give us what we wanted, they do it when we don’t want them too (Dolph cashing in the night after Mania instead of Mania itself…still an awesome moment, though). I really am excited to see these two face each other finally, I just thought that it would be a featured part of the Rumble match and not it’s own thing. It’s easy to be doom and gloom about it because it greatly decreases DB’s chances of being in the Rumble, let alone winning it as we all predicted months and months ago. I’m making the assumption that DB puts Wyatt away definitively to end their feud, make it into the Rumble but doesn’t win but something happens to start off his next run.

The Royal Rumble Match
I’m going to go too much into detail about who I believe will win, I’ll save that for Rhett’s Roundtable later in the week.
Having CM Punk being as #1 is a brilliant move and makes him a favorite to win, or at least keep him in the conversation, because I think we can all agree that the Rumble just seems like a thing Punk should win at some point in his career. It just makes sense, right? And being one of the few men to have done it from the #1 spot would make that much more special. And Punk has shown us in the past just how great he can be in the Rumble, first with his promo-between-eliminations back during his SES days and then again as the leader of the New Nexus in his last Rumble appearance. Punk didn’t end up winning either but could be easily named the MVP of both matches just in terms of entertainment.
I also think CoDust starts their break-up at this point to set up a WM match. They may not actually break here but this is where it’ll begin.
Jake the Snake will be one of the surprise entrants, HHH will also be in the match and so will Vader. (I’m really just taking shots in the dark, I have no evidence to support any of these).
I really don’t know what they’ll do with Batista. It’s really tempting to say that he’s just going to win it but I don’t feel like they will. Again, I have no evidence to suppose that claim, just doesn’t feel like it’s going to happen.
Also, the Rumble will mark the return of Sheamus…that just seems obvious.

The best thing about this year’s Rumble is that there is no clear cut person that is absolutely going to win it like last year with Cena. Last year’s Rumble wasn’t terrible but knowing in the back of your head how it’s probably going to end and then seeing it end exactly that way was kind of a drag. Of course, it’s easy to say that Batista is the obvious winner but I’m just not convinced of that yet.

Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do twice,

The Answer: Looks like I’m rooting for the Sea-Chickens in the Super Bowl this year. I still hate you, Peyton. Sincerely, a Bears fan that’s still salty about Super Bowl XLI

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