Inside Pulse 12

10 Thoughts on Fuller House – The War of the Roses

No, this is not an episode about the dynastic wars for the throne of England. There are no Plantagenets or Lancasters duking it out (I suppose Becky could be considered a Henry Tudor stand-in, although I highly doubt this show is operating at that level of metaphorical sophistication). The “war” in question for this episode is actually about literal roses. The crew wakes up one morning to discover literally a thousand roses in the living room, making it look like the most sparsely attended funeral in Southern California. The card is missing, so it’s unclear who all the roses are for. This starts a speculation game between the three women to try and figure out who the flowers belong to. Meanwhile, Jackson tries to woo Lola because she’s pretty and that’s it.

Here are some thoughts.

1. This show really doesn’t care about newcomers

I’ve mentioned this in the past, but this show really could not care less if you happen to be a viewer not familiar with the Full House mythology. If you’re not familiar with the show, you might be wondering why a grown woman is saying ‘oh my lanta’ (whatever the fuck that means), or why everyone hates one of the main characters (looking at you, Gibbler). And that’s sort of the point. It’s not a show for people like me. It’s for the fans. But when you have a character show up at the beginning of an episode and don’t even attempt to explain who she is, you’re being lazy. Becky is the girl’s aunt, married to uncle Jessie. I didn’t know this until LITERALLY the last scene where (spoiler alert), it turns out Jessie sent the roses to Becky. C’mon, guys. I’m a viewer, too. Throw me a bone why don’t ya?

2. Does this shirt count as a crime against humanity?

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Answer: yes.

3. Steve is gross

Not only is he a podiatrist, but his obsession with DJ long ago tipped into creepy territory. Also, sorry readers who are podiatrists. You serve a noble profession. But feet are gross. And the fact that Steve is always around feet doesn’t make him gross (although it certainly doesn’t help), but rather is stalker-ish behavior when it comes to DJ and men she is potentially interested in.

4. The idea of a “friend zone” is so stupid, I am not surprised it makes an appearance on this show

I don’t have time to explain why the concept of the dreaded “friend zone” is idiotic, so I’ll let Salon do it. When Lola comes to the house and greets Jackson as “dude,” Ramona and aunt Becky (I guess great-aunt Becky to Ramona and Jackson) have a spectacular freak out, informing Jackson that he has waddled his way into the “friend zone” because Lola’s nicknames for him are decidedly non-romantic. So, of course in true sitcom fashion, they convince Jackson to make a big, romantic gesture so he can woo her. That big romantic gesture, you ask?

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5. That’s not how you woo girls, Jackson

By giving her 999 red M&Ms and one red skittle. Because she likes red M&Ms. Oh, Jackson. You poor, stupid teenage boy. At least that is accurate. No such thing as a truly intelligent teenage boy when it comes to girls.

6. Steph is terrible

Steph is trying to figure out if the roses were sent to her. But she can’t be sure, because there are three boys she is currently dating, none of whom know about the others. This is clarified when she’s talking on the phone with one of them and accidentally lets it slip that she doesn’t know who sent the flowers. Alarmed, he asks if there are other men to which she says no. So, basically she’s seeing three different dudes, and lying to them about it. And THEN she thinks it might be a fourth dude who she “married” when she was a kid, and gets him to come over, presumably so they can bone. Wait, what’s happening. Why are we zooming in on Steph’s face slowly? Wait… oh…

7. Oh God, no no no… no FLASHBACK GOD DAMN IT

FUCK. IT’S A FLASHBACK.

GOD DAMN IT.

UGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

That is the laziest shit ever.

8. Max remains perfect

He discovers Jackson’s gift to Lola and a note asking if she wants to hang out on Saturday. Max misinterprets, thinking his brother is offering to hang out, which is really adorable. So he eats all the M&Ms and correctly predicts the onset of a sugar rush. He runs around the house, filled with joy that his brother wants to hang out with him. An excited Max is a delightful Max. Later, Jackson makes an ass of himself because he thinks Lola wants to date him. But it all works out, and they make plans to go hang out on Saturday. With Max. And Ramona. And nine other people. Ahh, young love.

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9. Fernando is actually a terrible character and it is becoming a problem

When he discovers that there is no card for the roses, Fernando takes credit for sending them to Kimmy, and only recants when the card is actually found. And Kimmy doesn’t get angry. She basically just tells him they’re going to have a lot of sex. So, as in the last episode, lying is rewarded. Great.

10. Nooo! John Stamos come baaaaack!

At the end of the episode, we get a few moments with John Stamos as he comes to claim his epic romanticism and be witty for about thirty seconds! We need more of him! His charm is indelible!

 

B-

Max loses his chill and it’s great

John Stamos for a hot second

+/- Jackson is charmingly realistic, operating under horrible “friend zone” assumptions

– God damn flashback

– God damn Fernando

– Kimmy’s shirt

 

Check out previous reviews for Fuller House below!

Fuller House – Our Very First Show, Again

Fuller House – Moving Day

Fuller House – Funner House

Fuller House – Mad Max

Fuller House – The Legend of El Explosivo

Fuller House – Ramona’s Not-So-Epic Party

Fuller House – Secrets, Lies, and Firetrucks

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