WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
With the WWE Title vacant, all we know is there “will be a new Champion”. Unless things change and we know who is in the match come PPV time, please pick both opponents and who the new champ will be.
Paul Marshall: The WWE Title picture hangs in the balance. WWE.com has Val Venis as the odds on favorite of leaving as the new champion. I officially call each WWE.com visitor an idiot because saying that Val Venis will be the champion is like saying that Triple H will be traded to ECW to pop the rating above a 1.5. That, my friends, will never happen. The WWE Title picture rests in the hands of Randy Orton, Mr. Kennedy, Chris Jericho, HHH, Umaga, and if I dare say…Jeff Hardy. I’m taking a stab at this, since the man’s gotten more attention the last couple weeks.
The Match – Randy Orton v. Chris Jericho
Winner – Chris Jericho
Iain Burnside: A couple of observations. First, given how often wrestling bookers have adamantly persuaded viewers that the heroic babyface has been injured or taken to a nearby medical facility or is not cleared to compete, only for said heroic babyface to turn up and compete anyway, will there be any viewers so stupid as to buy No Mercy expecting John Cena to turn up and fight anyway? Second, it takes a very unique form of brilliance to try and sell a PPV when the main event is a title match being promoted without any competitors for it. On some levels I’m rather impressed. On other levels I’m living in the vain hope that now they might see the folly in spending so much TV time on McMahon storylines that have sod all to do with matches or even wrestlers. For all the talk of how Cena was getting stale, Mr McMahon has not changed his character in over a decade. In Hulkamania terms, that would put him on (sub)par with Hogan circa 1995. How fresh. Anyway, after scouring all the usual scuttlebutt, it’s interesting to see that nobody holds WWE in such low regard to think that they could end this match in a draw. Sell No Mercy on the premise that the WWE Championship controversy will be resolved. Sell Cyber Sunday on the premise that this time they really mean it and the fans can help by voting and making the company money. Don’t think it hasn’t crossed their minds. Other than that, I haven’t much else to add. I’ve already explained the correct course of action in my cheaply-plugged column. Read it and weep, for it will probably not come to pass.
Winner – the happily married RANDY ORTON
Matthew Michaels: I think it will be Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton.
Winner – Chris Jericho
Andrew Wheeler: Well, since I wrote a whole a whole column about this the other day, I don’t want to run the risk of being repetitive. Oh, who am I kidding? I’ve been writing the same crap in these Roundtables for months. “It’s going to eventually be Orton only for him to lose to Hunter.†Over and over and over again. Now, the WWE has to be about as happy as a pig in sh*t because not only do they get the belt on Orton, but they don’t have to job out Cena! The match will probably be the triple threat with Orton, Kennedy and Jeff Hardy and in the end Randy will walk out with the gold. My guess? Hardy hits the Twist of Fate onto Kennedy, goes for the pin and Orton kicks him in the head. My other guess? That this will be the weakest main event match in a long time. My final guess? Chris Jericho is somehow going to get screwed over.
Winner: Hey, nothing you can say, Orton’s gonna be the champ today
Raffi Shamir: Man, this one is hard to call. I’ll let the others guys expand on how WWE painted themselves into a corner by putting all their eggs in Cena’s basket and not having enough credible title contenders. The logical choice for new champ is Randy Orton, and I think he’s also the best choice right now (And not just because I picked him in the last two roundtables and was wrong). One way to go is have him fight Mister Kennedy both for the title and bragging rights for putting Cena on the shelf. The problem with that option is that the match won’t be any good and the crowd will have a problem with a heel vs. heel match. I heard one suggested scenario where Undertake moves to Raw and wons the title, but no TV show is big enough to sustain the egos of both Taker and HHH, and besides, if that happens neither guy can really afford to lose in a match like that. The same goes for the fantasy booking that makes a lot of people wet their pants – a returning Chris Jericho faces Randy Orton (And I also think WWE stretch out the save_us.222 thing a little more and let it build nore steam before revealing who’s really behind it, regardless of whether it’s Jericho or something else). Since Orton is guaranteed to be in the title match, I’d have the HHH vs. Umaga match as a qualifier for the main event, and then when Orton beats HHH, it won’t be a clean (And HHH can’t let Orton get truly over) since HHH would be wrestling his second match of the night. Hell, have Umaga interfere in the main event to avenge his earlier loss to make Orton’s victory seem even more tainted.
Winner and new WWE champ – Randy Orton
Mark Allen; I don’t really see this being a one-on-one encounter for the Championship. I expect perhaps a fatal fourway or something. Just for fun I’ll go with Jeff Hardy v. Mr. Kennedy v. Randy Orton v. Chris Jericho. Orton still walks out with the belt and the race is on with him and Jericho. I highly doubt this will actually be the match, but I really do think Orton will walk out as Champion.
Winner – RKO
Vinny Truncellito: I’m betting Orton faces the man who caused Cena to drop the strap, and defeats him to keep the spinner belt warm until HHH takes it, Cena returns, or Y2J comes to save_us. Orton versus Kennedy. (but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did some sort of multi-challenger match, either).
Winner – Randy Orton.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Punjabi Prison Match
Batista vs. The Great Khali
Paul Marshall: Khali has impressed me since learning the new move, “The Freshly-Squeezed Vise Grip of Doom”. However, with Edge returning relatively soon (presuming that they don’t turn him face and stick him on RAW), I say Batista wins.
Winner – Batista
Iain Burnside: Yup. Curiousity remains a greater draw than Batista or Gary or their playpen. Logically, there is only one way that this match should be booked. Both men get into the ring. They square off against one another. Then, Batista runs, full-speed, face-first, right into the bamboo on one side of the ring. At the same time, Gary utilises his inner Rhino and barrels straight into the bamboo on the opposite side of the ring. Repeat this process until one of them manages to break the walls down (HEY!). At no point does either man make contact with the other. Then they get to the external cage of bamboo and do the same thing. Since they’d have less running distance here, this is what we experts would refer to as the ‘heat portion’ of the match. Or, ooh, they could surround the ring with sex-crazed pandas who want to guard the bamboo and fuck anybody that comes near it. I’d buy that. In fact, I may mould it into a screenplay for a future Ben Stiller vehicle.
Winner – the daisy-munching, kitten-touching, pillow-fluffing, ragamuffin himself, BATISTA
Matthew Michaels: Eeks.
Winner – Batista
Andrew Wheeler: Was the Dog Kennel from Hell already booked somewhere else? This match was a disaster before and it didn’t have the world’s dumbest gimmick attached to do it. The prison causes problems because it has a high fuck-up factor and it’s a bitch to shoot in for the cameramen. On the plus side, it allows for several segments of the match to happen without Dave and Khali having to wrestle one another. Another big plus is that Khali won’t have to get pinned to lose the match, because he can’t just take pinfalls and bounce back. By losing this, it’s a loophole to allow Dave to say he conquered a daunting challenge and lets Khali say that he didn’t get pinned. And we all know next month is the fatal 4 way, and with it being Dave, Taker, Khali and Henry, I wish it truly were fatal.
Winner: Dave
Raffi Shamir: No way Batista is losing here. This match was a total stinker with Taker and Big Show and they’re better workers than Khali and batista, so I have absolutely no expectations from this match.
Winner and still World champ – Batista
Mark Allen: I think DAVE will give the belt some stability for awhile until they figure out if they want to give it to Undertaker or Edge or John Cena or by WrestleMania time.
Winner – Batista
Vinny Truncellito: If they wanted to keep the strap on the Punjabi Nightmare, he wouldn’t have lost to Big DAVE in the first place.
Winner – Bastista
ECW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
CM Punk vs. Big Daddy V
Paul Marshall: Watching ECW on Tuesday, I was thinking how great a match involving Tommy Dreamer and CM Punk would be. When Dreamer won the Chase to No Mercy, I was about to give Creative a break. However, they had to screw all this up by making Dreamer look like a bitch to a man that has been repackaged many times and is still the same boring person. The match, however, I say that CM Punk retains via DQ or countout. John Morrison is back, therefore there is no reason to take the title off CM Punk at this time.
Winner – CM Punk retains via DQ or countout
Iain Burnside: Well, at least there’s no Diesel. Sadly, there’s no Nash either. I wonder if Mo and Oscar are going to be watching this. I think Mo will be the pro-V fanboy. He probably turned himself into a vampire in honour of the might Viscera, then wound up with a number of restraining orders from various skinny white chicks after trying to emulate Big Vis. Now he’s at a bit of a loss as to how to express his manly fondness for Big Daddy V, so somehow he wound up as a topless classroom assistant in a special needs school and all the kids keep pinging the braces of his baggy dungarees. He cries a little at nights sometimes. Oscar has gone the other route and is prepared to take on the mantle of Viscera’s opponents as a means of expressing his vengeance for being left behind. Thankfully, we are now past his Lilian Garcia stage. That was fun for none. Now he’s just sitting at home, surrounded by empty Pepsi cans and GI Joe dolls, avoiding showers and discussing explicit submission holds with his pet blow-up doll, named Maria. Wait, is Maria the name of that dumb one from Raw that Hatton spends most of his private time with? I can’t keep track of these diddy Divas nowadays. I’m sure you know who I mean. In my days we just had Elizabeth and, if drunk enough, Sean Mooney. Anyway. This will surely be some type of a match. I can almost smell the air freshener being sprayed into the bowling shoes.
Winner – the small, white and sober one, CM PUNK
Matthew Michaels: Something tells me John Morrison will be involved, so I’m hoping for a DQ ending, ’cause let’s face it, the belt just won’t fit around BDV’s waist.
Winner – CM Punk
Andrew Wheeler: Yeah, no one wanted to see Tommy Dreamer or Elijah Burke in this match because that would be entertaining. Nope, we need to make sure ECW is dead as a doornail so we’re throwing Punk in there with Akeem. The rumor is that V is going to wind up on RAW or Smackdown, so he isn’t winning the belt. Plus, Morrison’ll be back in a week or so, which means Punk needs to hold on to the title to job it out to Nitro. The match will be awful, which will be used as yet another strike against Punk, who is about as lameduck a champion as SaveUs222 was. My guess is that V will get DQed or something. Specifically, I’m sure he’ll wail on Punk past the 5-count. Because we have to make Punk look like as much of a bitch as possible. It’s in his contract.
Winner: CM Punk
Raffi Shamir: Dear god, please tell me they’re planning to hive Mabel/Viscera/Big V the ECW championship. I couldn’t care less about the ECW name or legacy, but damn it, Punk is the champ and should remain in that position. It’s bad enough that they made the entire Elimination Chase, which was a good concept, completely pointless by having V destroy the winner and that they took away what could have been a decent match in Punk vs. Dreamer in order to give V a PPV appearance. Just don’t let him win!
Winner and still ECW champ – CM Punk
Mark Allen: The screwjob ending of the Elimination Chase left a bad taste in my mouth after ECW had built up such goodwill over the past few weeks. Would it have been so bad to let Dreamer actually get a pay per view payday and a Title shot? I hope Punk keeps the belt here and gets a nice little reign.
Winner – Punk
Vinny Truncellito: What was the purpose of booking a four-man, three-week mini-tournament if the shot was just going to fall in Viscera’s lap? I don’t think V’s the man to carry ECW
Winner – CM Punk
HHH vs. Umaga
Paul Marshall: Welcome to Jobberville. Population: One wild, savage samoan. It doesn’t matter if Vince and Carlito interferes, it’s Triple H and he isn’t losing on Pay-Per-View.
Winner – Triple H
Iain Burnside: Rumour has it that the entire population of Samoa is going to do a run-in, except the Hs shall knock them all down with the power of WHITE RULE and suck them all into his internal black hole so that he can pick one out at random whenever he feels the need to pin somebody at home. Meanwhile, I’ve got no pants on.
Winner – he who most desperately needs a vowel, HHH
Matthew Michaels: Whatever. The suspense is gone with this guy when he gets on a kick like this and doesn’t job to anyone.
Winner – HHH
Andrew Wheeler: Let’s see, one of these guys made the company look bad by testing positive for steroids and one of these guys is the boss’s son and future world champion. I wonder who’s going to win? My guess, they’re going to make this a handicap match where Hunter has to wear a blindfold and have one arm tied behind his back, but he’ll still whoop both Umaga and Carlito in under a minute. Welcome back, Trip. Really. Oh, and Umaga. If you thought Hunter didn’t give you any offense, wait until you have to wrestle the Undertaker.
Winner: H.Foregone H.Conclusion H.Match
Raffi Shamir: Umaga is a wrestler. Therefore, HHH must beat him. Had Umaga been a sixty year old promoter who can never become a real player, HHH would have put him over. Besides, my booking has HHH facing Orton in the title match, so he has to win here.
Winner – HHH
Mark Allen: See SummerSlam and Unforgiven…
Winner – All three H’s
Vinny Truncellito: No chance in Hell, Bulldozer.
Winner – HHH
Rey Mysterio vs. Finlay
Paul Marshall: This should be a great match as both men can go. The main question with this match is… “Will JBL cost Rey Mysterio the match and build up to a Survivor Series Match between Team JBL and Team Mysterio?” I say that is a sure bet.
Winner – Finlay
Iain Burnside: By the looks of things we’re building towards Mysterio vs JBL at WrestleMania 24, which would give Bradshaw that one last in-ring moment in the sun that he’s apparently been desperate to get for several months now. Considering how he was retired in the Smackdown storylines, not to mention how the JBL character was made by Eddie Guerrero in the first place, it would make perfect sense and be a fitting big-time match for that show. Lord only knows how they might plan on keeping that feud going for the next five months. No doubt we’re in for a lot of Vickie Guerrero related nonsense in the interim. If this is what they’re going for then I’d take my hat off to them for planning something long-term, except I’m not wearing a hat and they should be keeping their long-term plans focused on the title matches if possible. All of this leaves Finlay as an afterthought, which is an apt description for this particular match.
Winner – Mexico 1 Ireland 0, courtesy of REY MYSTERIO
Matthew Michaels: They aren’t using this as a bridge to a Mysterio/Hornswaggle feud, are they?
Winner – Mysterio
Andrew Wheeler: Replace Umaga’s name with Finlay and reread my last pick. At least Finlay can take the loss and keep going along aimlessly as a badass midcarder. Rey, on the other hand, needs to look strong so that he can challenge for the title at Survivor Series. I don’t think he’s going to get that chance though, because this is yet another pointless Undetaker anniversary year so my guess is we’ll get Taker/Batista for the belt and Rey will captain a Los Borriquas 2007 team.
Winner: No Mysterio Here.
Raffi Shamir: Finlay seems to have settled into his role of being an upper-mid carder whose purpose is to put others over while providing good matches. Rey’s comeback tour continues here with what should be match of the night.
Winner – Rey Misterio
Mark Allen: Don’t really care here. It looks like its just building to a JBL return match.
Winner – Rey Mysterio
Vinny Truncellito: Rey isn’t about to start dropping matches to mid-carders, regardless of how tough, talented, and McMahon-affiliated Finlay now is.
Winner – Rey Mysterio
WWE WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP
Candice Michelle vs. Beth Phoenix
Paul Marshall: Candice has really, really impressed me since winning the Women’s Championship. She turned back the challenge of Beth Phoenix last month. Sadly, I don’t think she will do that twice in a row. The time of the Glamazon has come and she will become the diva to beat.
Winner – Beth Phoenix
Iain Burnside: I also enjoy urine-related trips to the bathroom. Still, my preference is the longer ones that allow you to get some quality reading time done. Beggars can’t be choosers though.
Winner – Glen’s, Hutchison’s, Robertson & Stepek and Glamazon, BETH PHOENIX (c’mon, like any of you will get that reference)
Matthew Michaels: Time for a change here.
Winner – Beth Phoenix
Andrew Wheeler: Because you can’t spell Beth Phoenix without “boxâ€Â, the Glamazon thing is going to be the next women’s champion. Then, (say it with me everyone since I’ve said the same thing for A YEAR), Phoenix can move on to her feud with Mickie James. Get ready for months of Beth pounding on Mickie. Finally, a storyline in the WWE I want to see.
Winner: The lass with the strong chin, Beth Phoenix
Raffi Shamir: I’ll stick with the same pick I made last month and give the win and title to Phoenix. Candice should have never been champion in the first place.
Winner and new champ – Beth Phoenix
Mark Allen: Beth finally wins the belt and then she and Mickie can go and play with the belt.
Winner – Beth Phoenix
Vinny Truncellito: They should have pulled the trigger on this one last time around.
Winner – The Glamazon
