Here’s the story of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up three very lovely girls
All of them had one thing in common, like their mother,
They all liked to GET DOWN AND GET RAW!
We open with a recap of last week’s RAW. John Cena takes on the Nexus TONIGHT!
Because of Darren Young getting beat down last week, the odds are in Cena’s favor at a six-on-one handicap match! Speaking of Cena, here he comes NOW! He talks about the help he got last week, and it missed a bit of white and red. Cena says that Sheamus doesn’t realize that they are all in this together. He plans on switching Sheamus’ face and ass out. He says that the steel cage match keeps Sheamus from running and the Nexus from entering. Next week the Champ will be here. Cena says that Darren Young ran into 250 pounds of “Crap Your Pants” in an orange T-Shirt. He vows that everyone will fall tonight.
Here comes the Nexus with Wade Barrett on the microphone. Wade says that they’ll wait until later on when the entire world can watch. But tonight, they will do what they want because of Cena. That’s a lot of N’s on the stage. The RAW GM chimes in and Michael Cole says that if any WWE superstar gets involved in the handicap match, they will be suspended for 90 days. Also, if the Nexus doesn’t tag in and tag out they will also be suspended for 90 days. Cena says that he may go down tonight, but he’ll take as many of them with him.
Commercials.
Eve Torres is on commentary for the upcoming match.
Alicia Fox v. Gail Kim
Gail off to a good start, owning Alicia in the opening exchange. Alicia with the high knee, quickly takes over the contest. Headlock applied, but Gail comes out of it. Counter to the whip, Gail flapjacks Alicia and here we go. To the corner we go and Gail goes to the top, but Alicia no-sells and flips Gail off the ropes. Gail goes for the Eat Defeat, but Alicia counters with what should have been the scissors kick, but the angle of it causes Alicia’s hip to land squarely on Gail’s back. If that isn’t a botch, I don’t know what is. Alicia picks up the win.
Winner: Alicia Fox
Grade: F
The RAW GM announces that due to Alicia Fox faking her injury, Eve Torres gets another title shot this Sunday at Money in the Bank.
Commercials.
The Hart Dynasty & Natalya v. The Usos & Tamina
We got Tyson Kidd and Jimmy Uso starting things off. Kick to the head sends Jimmy out of the ring. Kidd divebombs on both Usos and Tamina gets involved, getting the Usos the advantage. Jay Uso tags in and he works over Kid. Kidd gets out of it, but eats an elbow. Kidd is stuck in the heel corner, but he evades a splash from Jimmy Uso. Tag to D.H. Smith and he hits the high knee on Jimmy. Exploder Suplex connects and Tamina breaks the fall. HERE COMES NATALYA! Tag to Jay not seen by Smith and he eats a superkick. Big Splash off the top seals the deal.
Winners: The Usos & Tamina
Grade: D (Too short to mean anything and the women never officially tagged in)
Wade Barrett talks with Chris Jericho and he gets the sign of respect from the veteran. Josh Matthews wants a word and Jericho doesn’t give him one. In the same scene, Yoshi Tatsu gets taken out for being John Cena’s friend.
Commercials.
We’re back and Ted DiBiase & Maryse make their way towards the ring dressed up. He calls him and Maryse the Million Dollar Couple. No…DiBiase & the briefcase. Oh God… He promises to shower Maryse with gifts and himself with the WWE Championship. John Morrison comes out to retort. Everyone knows that the French don’t take showers, says John. This is funny. Maryse speaks in French and Morrison explains what she said. She goes to slap Morrison, but Morrison blocks it and gets owned by DiBiase. He takes the tie and looses it up. Morrison with the flash kick and he gives Maryse a dirty look. Starship Pain attempt, but Maryse pulls DiBiase out of the ring.
Commercials.
Oh My God. It’s Santino, Vladimir, Khali, and Goldust. And here’s William Regal, Zack Ryder, Primo, and Doink the Clown. You got to be kidding… Here’s Florence Henderson, giving Santino some pie. Regal, Regal, Regal! This isn’t leading to an eight man tag, is it? Here comes Regal and he’s asking Gilligan who’s the RAW GM. He mocks the Brady Bunch and eats a slap for it. Santino goes for a kiss, but she no-sells it. God Help Us All.
We hype Money in the Bank and that R-Truth’s replacement will be named tonight. We recap the history of Money in the Bank.
Edge walks.
Commercials.
Edge v. Randy Orton
The match starts and they lock up. Edge has Orton in the corner and they trade off punches. Pillar to post we go and Orton gets reversed. No matter as he clotheslines Edge and he busts out the Garvin Stomp. Cover gets two. Orton beats Edge to a pulp at the ropes. Orton stomps on the chest and he guillotines Edge’s neck on the bottom rope. Edge gets brought back in the ring, but he is quick to get up to superkick Orton off the apron. Edge brings Orton back in the ring and he boots him in the head again. Kick again misses…POWERSLAM BY ORTON! Edge back up and Orton is on Edge. Edge sends Orton out of the ring and we go to break.
Commercials.
We’re back and Orton finds his comeback. Edge drops Orton and he struggles to keep the Viper coiled. Orton seems to be out of it, but he suplexes Edge out of the modified sleeper. HERE COMES ORTON! Orton goes after Edge and he is asked to bring him back in the ring. Hangman’s DDT is countered to the Edgucution! Orton kicks out at two! Edge looks for the spear…Orton punts Edge in the face! RKO time…COUNTERED! Edge spears, but Orton leaps. Rollup gets two. 3.0 BACKBREAKER! RKO attempt, but here comes Chris Jericho! Edge with the Edgucator and he scores the pinfall.
Winner: Edge
Grade: B-
Edge eats a Codebreaker, Jericho eats a RKO, and Bourne looks at giving Orton a dose of AirBourne, but Orton sweetly counters that into the RKO! That was perfect timing.
Skip Sheffield is alone and with Josh Matthews wanting some answers. He ignores him and runs into John Morrison. Turns out Sheffield wasn;t alone and Morrison gets thrown into the door. They dissect Morrison and no one comes to his rescue.
Commercials.
AWESOME! The Miz is out for a promo and he explains that talk is cheap, so he gives us a taste of what he did to R-Truth last week. He asks if we get it and he’s more serious than he ever has been. He took R-Truth out with his bare hands and he didn’t need a ladder to do it. He vows to do worse to everyone else. The RAW GM interrupts and says that he will face R-Truth’s replacement because just when you have the answers, he changes the questions. Roddy Piper reference FTW!
The Miz v. Mark Henry
Cheap shot blocked…Military Press not blocked. Henry gets sent into the RAW GM’s laptop! A trash can lid follows as Mark Henry is out. The trash gets dropped on Henry, as does the can. Replay shows that Mark Henry ran into the GM podium. He tries to get back up and Miz backs away.
Result: No Contest
Grade: A (Great promo and it’s about time the Miz is being taken seriously.)
Commercials.
Here comes Florence Henderson, our special guest ring announcer for the upcoming match.
8-Man “Brady Bunch” Tag Team Match: William Regal, Zack Ryder, Primo Colon, & Doink the Clown v. Santino Marella, Vladimir Koslov, the Great Khali, & Goldust
I wish I was as popular as Scott Keith. Santino and William lock up and William knees Santino in the face. Florence Henderson steals Regal’s robe. The Cobra strikes…and all hell breaks loose. Doink the Clown takes it to Santino…only for Khali to tag in. Comedy ensues…giant overhead chop connects and this mercifully ends.
Winners: The Santino Bunch
Grade: Do you really want me to grade this? What’s worse than FTS?
Florence Henderson and Khali make out. Sorry, I don’t care.
Commercials.
Geez…there’s not enough hotpokers in the world that can help me from getting my mind off the match. We’re back on RAW and we hype Money in the Bank this Sunday.
Josh Matthews wants to get a damned interview! So he gets Edge and Edge thanks Jericho for what he did. He reminds us that it’s every man for himself and that he will be ruthless. He vows that the fun truly begins at Money in the Bank.
Evan Bourne is getting ice on his neck. Sheamus comes by and tells Evan that it could have been a lot worse. Well, worse happens as the Nexus gangs up on him while Sheamus slips away. Sheamus comes back and he gets the last laugh…only for the Nexus to return. He stands tall before eventually running away to Cena’s locker room! HA!
Commercials.
We recap the beating Cena gave Darren Young last week.
The Nexus v. John Cena
Tarver and Cena start things off. Cena gets Tarver opposite the Nexus corner. Fishermen’s Suplex sends Tarver into Justin Gabriel. Cena grounds Gabriel and he tags out to Skip Sheffield. They lock up and CVena gets out of it and he pulls a Shane O’Mac on the Nexus. They regroup a bit and Slater gets a cheap shot in. Skip lays into Cena and in comes Slater. Back drop from Slater and another for good measure. Third time lucky for Slater and he decks Cena in the head. David Otunga comes in and Cena tries to come back, but Otunga nails Cena. Pillar to post we go and Cena makes his comeback. Wade Barrett comes on and Cena is on fire! Big Boot from Barrett and he looks for his finisher, but Cena counters and HERE COMES CENA! Protobomb connects and He dishes some five knuckle shuffle. Sheffield gets the tag behind Cena’s back and Cena’s A.A. was all for naught. Otunga comes in and he hits the sit-down spinebuster. Tag to Gabriel and he hits the 450. Cover gets three and Cena goes down.
Winners: The Nexus
Grade: N/R
They aren’t done and Cena brings a steel chair into play! Slater gets hit a couple times and the Nexus backpedals. Cena is still standing. CENA IS BUSTED OPEN! Sheamus is here to save Cena! The Nexus runs away! That’s our show!
Show over.
The Final Pulse
Well, Money in the Bank is turning out to be a potinentally great Pay-Per-View. I gave a Miz Match an A, only because of the promo and storyline ensuing with Mark Henry. The divas can’t wrestle for more than a couple minutes, so they got a F. The RAW Comedy Division failed to entertain. I’ll be generous and give the show a B because the pieces fell into place, and it wasn’t like John Cena beat the Nexus soundly. It was good to see the good guy fall in a handicap match.
I’ll be back later this week with 10 Thoughts.
