For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 1/10/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 1/10/11

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive pro wrestling column on the World Wide Web, For Your Consideration. I am your great taste, less filling host Andrew Wheeler, and by now you all know the drill, so let’s get down to it.

TNAnother Terrible Idea

I try very hard not to be hacky and write the same stuff as everyone else, but when it comes to a show like Genesis, how else can you handle it?

TNAwful put on another mind boggling PPV last night that has started to make me think if this entire company is intentionally working to lower expectations so that when they ultimately do something good, we’ll all collectively shit ourselves. Look, I get what they’re trying to do with the company, and I can clearly see the storyline they were attempting to execute. It was, to be fair, the kind of linear storytelling that they’ve needed all along: Immortal wanted all of the belts, they all got title shots, and if they won then their mission was successful. That’s what pro wrestling is all about.

Yes, having all of the men’s titles change hands on one night was a bit much, but so be it. When a heel stable has all of the gold, they seem more imposing. The image that TNA would have had of all of the members of Immortal standing in the ring in suits (or in Abyss’s case probably a necktie) all holding gold would have said more than a million hours of Reaction ever could have, that these are some serious men who are in complete control.

Kaz as X-Division Champion isn’t going to lead to the fall of Rome, though I do agree with Glazer who feels he is hit-or-miss. Right now the X-Division is pretty much a bunch of guys with nothing else to do and no shot at the big leagues and Jay Lethal, so Kaz can keep it warm and maybe actually elevate the belt. With him holding the title, there’s bound to be one or two qualifying matches for a shot at the belt, which will in fact allow TNA to have X-Division matches that matter.

Beer Money as the tag champions seems to mean that TNA is going to steal the WWE’s idea of breaking apart all of their successful tag teams. Like ‘em or hate ‘em, the Dudleys were a big name, and they’re no more. With the Guns losing off of a miscommunication, it’s only a matter of time until they crumble and feud with one another. That leaves Beer Money and little true competition. I’m sure that TNA will come up with something suitable to do, probably with guys that had nothing better scheduled anyway, and we’ll get something equivalent to the WWE’s current tag division (only with competent champions).

Abyss as the TV Champ was a last minute replacement, and while folks thought that Doug Williams could in fact break out, he needed to lose the belt to further the bigger storyline. While Abyss isn’t a suitable title holder, his victory did come thanks to AJ Styles, who got a chance to further his own story.

With all the pieces in place, TNA had it’s #1 Contender main event. After busting out Matt Hardy and his gut/dreads combo to be RVD’s mystery opponent, one had to think that there was nowhere to go but up. Alas, we were wrong. Matt Morgan and Mister Anderson…Anderson put on a match that almost completely justified the way that the WWE handled them. In the end, Kennedy was the winner.

Then Bischoff comes out and books Kennedy/Hardy to happen right then and there. Here is where a bad PPV transitioned into the start of an awful year. Throughout the night, we were treated to matches that (a) we already had seen a thousand times or (b) matches that were abysmal to watch, but at least they were planned. The main event of Hardy/Kennedy should never have actually happened.

Jeff Hardy appearing in TNA was a major deal for the company a year ago, and despite questionable booking, they managed to firmly establish him as the heel force at the top of TNA. When TNA signed Jeff, I said it was a mistake because of his background. When TNA turned him heel, I said it was a mistake because they were potentially blowing a lot of merchandise revenue. When TNA put the strap on him, I said it was a mistake because his drug charges were going to tarnish the belt. And what happens in the end? TNA is forced to give up their potential Hogan/Goldberg moment on a PPV that was ordered by roughly 8,000 people.

That was incredibly stupid.

TNA knew that the clock was going to run out on Jeff, so the smart thing to do would have been to push Spike to give them a live Thursday show this week and headline it with Hardy/Kennedy. At the very least, get the fucking ratings points out of the match. You don’t do it unadvertised on a lackluster show a few weeks before the Royal Rumble, where most fans will be spending their money in the first place.

TNA’s awful Monday Night show last year proved one thing: fans will in fact tune into their show if they think they’re going to get a major moment. By being taped, they don’t have a lot of chances for surprises. If they would have done a live TNA Impact this week that was headlined by Hardy/Kennedy, their ratings would have gotten a healthy bump. Instead, they gave away what should have been a major “moment” to an audience they already had hooked on the line. That transcends bad booking and crosses the line firmly into the realm of company suicide.

Alright, enough TNAwful, it’s time for RAW. Remember you can follow me on Twitter (twitter.com/awheeler316), friend me on Facebook or post in the comments section down below.

The Judicial Review for Monday Night RAW 1/10/11

“Andre the Giant.”

We open right away with Nickelback, who still gets away with saying “balls out.” All I can say is nuts to that. There’s a shot of the live crowd but there’s no pyro, no ballyhoo and here comes…Borscht Marinara?

Michael “Casual Male” Cole and Jerry “Mystic Tan” Lawler hype the announcement of the first member of the 2011 Hall of Fame and the return of John Cena.

WWE Tag Team Championship: Borscht Marinara v.

The match never gets underway (thankfully) as Nexus runs out to lay out the tag champions. Fuck, those new shirts are awesome. CM Punk apologizes for saving us from having to sit through a wacky comedy match as he says it’s been rescheduled for a later date. Punk says that Nexus has been the most dominant force the WWE has seen since the Mean Street Posse. He says that they are stronger now, and I love the fact that Punk is the only one rocking pants. CM Punk says that he set the example by taking out John Cena and hopefully Cena will say goodbye tonight.

Punk says tonight he will make the ultimate sacrifice and initiate himself the new leader of New Nexus. I wonder if a goat will be involved. He says everyone must prove to themselves that they have what it takes to belong in the New MidCard All-Stars. Punk promises to take over the WWE, except Superstars because they don’t wanna mess with Zack Ryder and Yoshi Tatsu.

Otunga says that he’s honored to join Nexus. Well that was pointless. Apparently Slightly Perfect McGillicutty is up first. Punk points out that Nexus beat down everyone so tonight they’re going to beat up Mike McGillicutty. I think I saw this documentary on TLC. Husky gets told to attack but he hesitates, so David Otunga hits his Sloppy Slam. Heath Slater then drops Mike. Husky looks conflicted, and somehow even thinking makes him sweat. He finally decides to unload and lays out McGillicutty. Finally, Justin Gabriel connects with the 450 Splash. In the end, they put McGillicutty on Punk’s shoulders and he hits the GTS. Well, Nexus sure as hell looks badass coming off this segment.

Commercial.

We’re back with the 21st Century Minstrel Show, Resurrection-Truth. Man, I hope Nexus comes out again and lays him out. Moment of the night may be him high-fiving a pale white guy in a striped sweater in the front row. He asks Nashville what’s up, which is good since they had all that time to think about it during his song.

Ricardo Rodriguez is in the ring and he’s still selling the beatdown from Mysterio. I guess we’re getting more Del Rio.

Resurrection-Truth v. JBLatino

It’s hard to believe based on his facial expressions that Del Rio wrestled all those years with a mask on. Truth starts out by charging him with some fast-paced offense before delivering the standard 10-punch in the corner. Alberto counters with an atomic drop and hits a backstabber for two.

Truth comes back with his super-spinny offense and ends it by clotheslining Alberto over the top. They both lay on the mat in a giant grease spot of baby oil before trading blows. Rodriguez gets on the microphone and begins asking “What’s up?” which confuses Truth so that Del Rio can slide into the ring for the countout win.

After the match, JBLatino points out that this is another victory. He says that his density is to win the Rumble…I mean, his destiny. He then points out that they’re in Nashville, so he drops names like Justin Bieber and American Idol before ripping country music. In our current energy crisis, it’s nice to see someone making his own cheap heat. Ricardo is now brought out to sing mariachi music as I’m amazed they kept all those old Eddie Guerrero scripts lying around. Rodriguez sings poorly and everyone in Tennessee laughs.

Commercial.

We’re back and Jerry Lawler says that he’s still sore from The Miz’s blindside and Cole uses some of that Mraz-esque wordplay to say that Orton is sorely mistaken if he thinks he’s going to win. Take that, Shakespeare.

The GMail goes off, and I paraphrase: “Cole has been on the receiving end of a lot of criticism, but he supports Cole even though he’s a conceded, pompous, arrogant, self-centered pretentious jerk but he’s the epitome of manhood.” This goes on for a while so that he can get his Cole-Miner name out there. Lawler interrupts and says that the WWE Universe wants him to shut up. Apparently no one would say that he’s handsome and Jerry calls him a coward. Cole points out that, unlike underage girls, Lawler can’t touch him. Lawler slams the lid shut, but Cole points out that it still works. The GMail states that Cole isn’t a coward and neither is Lawler, so even though Jerry hasn’t recovered, tonight The Miz & Alex Riley will face Jerry Lawler and Randy Orton. We’re sticking with this thing, I guess.

Punk is in the back and says that Slightly Perfect is already in. Husky’s initiation is that he will willingly take three lashes from all the members of Nexus. Punk makes him take his shirt off, which just seems cruel to the rest of us.

Otunga starts first in a bit of reverse history. Gabriel goes next and something tells me this isn’t the first time he’s whipped another man with a leather strap. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Slater’s last and Husky takes them like a man. Punk demands that they hold him up so that he can whip him himself. He gets off about 7 or 8 whacks as Harris yells that his name is Toby before we fade to…

Commercial.

Daniel Bryan & Mark Hey-Hey-Henry v. Teddy DiBiase & Tyson Kidd

Bryan and DiBiase start out and Bryan gets off an impressive dropkick before unleashing some kicks. Teddy tosses him out of the ring so Tyson can blindside him. Teddy flings him back in for a two count.

Kidd gets tagged in and stomps him in the corner. So Daniel Bryan went from Summerslam surprise entrant to “Guy with nothing better to do than team with Mark Henry”. Teddy locks in a resthold after getting tagged in, but Bryan fights back with a clothesline.

Henry gets tagged in and Kidd gets fed to him like the Rankor in Jedi. Henry overcomes the double-team and his the World’s Strongsaddest Slam for the pin.

In the back is The Big Show. Wait, what? We can’t really go from Mark Henry to Big Show, can we?

Commercial.

Well, it’s the Big Show. He’s wearing the world’s largest varsity jacket and he says it’s great to be back on RAW, but he always sounds like his mouth is clogged with peanut butter.

Show’s first issue is with Wade Barrett. Barrett gets knocked out of Nexus last week and this week he’ll get knocked out by Big Show. Oh Show, so witty. I wonder if he helped write Knucklehead. Show goes on to say he’s going to win the Royal Rumble but Nexus interrupts and if they keep this up, they might get turned face. First the save us from Borscht Marinara, and now this?

David Otunga walks down by himself and the sight of the two of them alone in a ring is enough to create a talent black hole. Otunga slaps Big Show and stands there so that Show will kick him. Show launches him outside and over the announce table. Aw man, he ripped his shirt. Show slaps the crap out of him and then slams him on the outside. Why the hell hasn’t the WWE booked Big Show this dominant before as a face? He almost seems convincing.

The fans chant for Big Show to knock him out, so he follows his 15 year career plan by denying the audience what they want and hitting a chokeslam. Finally, he hits his KO punch and after 2 minutes of work, he’s blowing up. He could use a…

Commercial.

John Slo-Mo-Rrison v. Sheamus

John Slo-Mo-Rrison is out first and he does the whole sunglasses on a kid shtick thing. Sheamus comes out next and he’s still wearing that giant rib.

Sheamus and Morrison lock up and Sheamus takes him down with a headlock. John breaks it with a headscissor and they’re back up. Sheamus muscles John into the corner but John fights out with punches. Sheamus connects with a kneelift and goes back to stomping away on him.

John Morrison takes an inverted backbreaker for two and after last week Morrison still seems like a fairly big deal, which is a good sign. Sheamus chokes John with his foot for a while until Morrison breaks free. Sheamus drops him with an elbow for two.

We get an extended resthold until Morrison tries for a backslide. John comes back with a heelkick to Sheamus and tries some Main Event Turnbuckle Stomping. Sheamus kicks his leg out but gets caught with the Pele Kick. John goes for Starship Pain despite selling his injury but Sheamus counters and dumps him out of the ring.

Commercial.

We’re back and Sheamus has Morrison up for a powerslam that gets two. Sheamus props Morrison on the apron and drops some elbows across his chest for another two count. Sheamus locks in another resthold, and the fans actually chant for John, which is a good sign.

Morrison fights back and goes for the Flash Kick, but no luck. Guess he isn’t Irish. Ah, timid ethnic humor, how I missed you. Morrison low bridges Sheamus out of the ring and when he dives to the outside, he gets kneed in the ribs. Sheamus suplexes him ribs-first onto the steel steps.

Cole says that Sheamus smells blood, which is impossible since in a TV-PG world wrestlers don’t have blood. Sheamus measures for the bicycle kick but Morrison collapses due to the ribs. He gets propped up on the top turnbuckle but John drops forward and drives Sheamus’s head into the steel post. Morrison connects with a running knee to the head and wins, despite the fact that he has hurt knees, a hurt arm, the sun was in his eyes and he has Polio.

We relive the Passion of the Nexus before going to the back with Punk, Gabriel and Slater. CM Punk is standing there with kendo sticks and they’re going to beat each other. Gabriel perks up until he realizes what Punk meant. The two of them hesitate for a minute so Punk baits them. He then offers himself up as a sacrifice but they walk away.

Commercial.

Jerry Lawler is in the ring and he says that the greatest accomplishment was getting into the Hall of Fame. Lawler says that less than 100 wrestlers have made it into the Hall. They are really building this up and it’s…

Shawn Michaels.

Well, so much for an all-WCW Hall. You can’t really complain with Shawn Michaels as an inductee, though I doubt he’d want his highlight package to include the Marty bit. What with his whole Jesus thing and all. Thankfully we get to hear “The boyhood dream has come true” one more time.

They play Shawn’s music and there’s the return of Shawn Michaels. Can’t really understand why they would give away his return so early, but on the plus side he isn’t off killing animals. Shawn gets his full pyro and a Cole/Lawler standing ovation, which is half-impressive.

Shawn stands in the ring for a while amid one-more-match chants, but JBLatino interrupts. Glad to see someone is getting the rub from Michaels being in the ring. Del Rio points out that the fans used to cheer him but now the fans cheer Alberto. Apparently they know he’s the present and future of the WWE and after he wins the Royal Rumble, he’s going to win a title belt and be known as the new Mr. Wrestlemania. Shawn Superkicks him and wipes the scuffmark off his shoe. Brilliant stuff. He then leaves with JBLatino’s tallis.

The Miz and Mizfit are in the back and Miz is sulking. He’s upset that in two weeks he beat Lawler and Morrison but the only thing anyone talks about is Orton winning the steel cage match. Sure, because that’s way bigger than Cena, Nexus or the fact that Smackdown pulled out one of the best shows ever last week.

Miz laments the fact that him losing the title is a foregone conclusion and he’s like Rodney Dangerfield, only without the coke habit. He promises to be the WWE Champion and he stops Mizfit from saying he’s awesome because catchphrases are for closers. That’s some good stuff right there.

Cole is in the ring and he says that John Cena will be there tonight. CM Punk interrupts and says that he’s on top of the Titantron. Who the hell greenlit this? It’s way too uncomfortable to see a wrestler up that high.

Punk says that he’s prepared to sacrifice himself to prove his loyalty with his ultimate sacrifice, and this is just way too fucked up. Is this Vince’s fuck you to Owen’s widow? CM Punk asks the fans if he should dive off and they cheer for him to do it, making them look like fools. He teases the jump for a minute but then asks the audience how gullible the audience is. Punk shows us that he’s wearing a harness, which still is way too close to Owen for my taste.

The three remaining members of Nexus are now in the ring and are joined by CM Punk. Punk says he’s mentally superior and he’s the leader of New Nexus. So does this mean their t-shirts will have 2 N’s on them?

CM Punk says that John Cena is no longer there. Cena shows up on the Titantron where he points out that Punk sucks and Nexus isn’t wearing any pants. John says that he would get his hands on everyone and he did, except for CM Punk. Punk says he isn’t afraid of John Cena, so Cena tells him to prove it. Cena challenges him to a match and next week CM Punk will get dealt with.

Commercial.

The Miz & The Mizfit v. Jerry Lawler & Randy Orton

Josh Matthews is there to ensure that Cole doesn’t have to call this alone, so thank you Josh.

Cole points out that Miz has never pinned Lawler, which isn’t at all a bit of foreshadowing. Mizfit and Lawler start off and Mizfit gets some cheap shots before tagging in Miz. Lawler throws Miz to the outside and rams his head against the announce table and the steel steps.

Lawler gets in the ring and tags in Orton, who unleashes Main Event Stomps on Mizfit. Randy gets kicked and Miz is tagged in, only to get clotheslined down. Orton again busts out Main Event Stomps before tagging in Lawler.

Jerry fires away for a while until Miz cheapshots him and connects with some punches and kicks. Miz gets a resthold but Jerry comes back with elbows. He gets whipped into the corner and Miz hits with the leaping clothesline into the turnbuckle.

Commercial.

We’re back and Mizfit is beating on Lawler. Jerry drops Mizfit and we get a slow crawl for a tag but Miz distracts the ref. Miz takes Orton out on the apron and locks in the SCF, but Randy blocks it and hits the RKO. Lawler slowly crawls on top of him but Mizfit makes the save.

Mizfit gets tagged in by Randy is in now and he hits some clotheslines and the Scoopslam. Orton connects with the inverse backbreaker and the Unnamed Second Rope DDT. Randy humps the mat a bit but he stares at Miz. Mizfit sneaks up and eats an RKO. Orton and Miz are still staring at each other so Randy tags in Lawler.

Jerry goes to the second rope, lowers the strap and connects with the fist for the pin. Miz demands his title belt and flees up the ramp.

This has been for your consideration.