Impact Wrestling 5/25/17 Recap – EC3 vs. Storm vs. Magnus

Storm being beaten up by EC3 and Magnus is shown. Bruce comes down with Tyrus in the world’s biggest sweater vest. Bruce calls out Lashley, who talks about being dominant. EC3 comes out and says he’ll become an EC3-time champion. A very generic theme plays, and it’s Magnus, who HAD A GOOD THEME before and of course, now doesn’t. I like his black, silver, and gold gear and telling EC3 that everyone’s heard a lifetime’s worth of EC3’s crap and he’s tired of THE PRICHARD REGIME! So that’s a thing now. Then Storm comes out for the parade of promos, live to tape here on Monday Night Raw…or Impact. Bruce makes the triple threat a no DQ match. TNA has DQs now?

EC3 brags backstage and we’ll get Eddie and Alisha against Davey and Angelina. KM and Sienna come out, then Kong and LVN, then Shera, and then Allie and Braxton. Pope talks about the love being so real. Okay. It’s Shera and Braxton against Kong and KM, with five billion total people in this mid-card feud. Kong’s boobs dominate for a bit, before LVN distracts Shera. The heel women come in after several minutes of boring action and Allie crossbodies the heels down. KM cheats to beat Shera with a schoolboy. Everyone beats Braxton up to the back before they try to bully Allie mid-ring. LVN’s got a great gig – look silly, take no bumps, and kinda get over. Rosemary returns with the Decay theme and does this cool pulsating zombie walk down to ringside. She mists Sienna! Oh if only they’d named her Sierra! Red Wedding to LVN! Finally, she’s a babyface!

Bahn and Mario, who remain indy-riffic with these awful belts and gear, are in the GFW Tag Title tourney. VOW comes out to fight for America! Wilcox hits a nice overhead belly to belly. Flapjack 3D ends it. They found a way to make an over finisher into an un-over one. Good move. Magnus bitches about being oppressed. Josh has a tron and theme now and complains more. Josh talks about unblocking Penzer and even made up with Shark Boy. What in the world is this. Now he’s talking about loving Jim Ross and how he is pro wrestling broadcasting. OUTSTANDING job putting over WWE. He says he’s a VP now and he says he’s sorry.

Joseph Park comes down and his hair looks like a wig. It’s amazing how bad it looks. Josh calls them both idiots and “dumbass” gets censored. Josh vs. Joseph is announced, but SCOTT STEINER COMES DOWN. Park makes some amazing faces while Scott wisely has his whole body covered up – so you can see his neck sagging, but otherwise, he looks like he has for eons. Pope puts over Steiner like he’s in his physical prime. HE’S THE WORLD’S MOST DANGEROUS SHONEYS OWNER! Josh attacks Park and then Scott does the standing recliner. Josh talks shit and then JB leaves with Steiner standing by Josh’s side.

Moose talks about wanting to knock guys out in the first round and that has made him better. FINALLY, the round system makes almost sense – except they’ve never done a first round KO finish yet. Eli chats and says he’ll take the title off him. Angelina and Davey comes out with her in Wolves’ theme gear and him in trunks. Josh says they need to fire Penzer and get “the guy who wrote a book and stooged everyone off!”. Ugh. MORE ATTENTION TO A WWE GUY. Davey and Eddie go at it and then Alisha dives onto the heels. Davey hits a dragon screw and a figure four. Angelina helps out, but gets toppled in a catfight. Alisha wins by avoiding the botox injection and cradling her. “ALISHA WITH THE UPSET OF THE WORLD!” And to think, Josh isn’t in the running for best announcer. Davey handcuffs Eddie to beat him up before Angelina powerbombs Alisha through a table. They’re doing a nice job playing this off, but it’s just too much for a mid-card feud with no heat.

Spud says he’ll be back and he’ll plot his revenge. He’s apparently shooting this with his phone and he threatens Swoggle and he tells him mom KAYFABE and whispers that revenge will be his. What in the world was that. Magnus is out, then EC3, then Storm. We get a walk and brawl to start. Magnus and EC3 suplex Storm on the ramp. Magnus uses a chair, then EC3 uses a kendo stick. TK3 to Storm gets 2. Magnus gets the cloverleaf, but EC3 chairshots his back and gets a modified One Percenter for 2. Magnus hits a German suplex tower of doom. Magnus breaks up a pin with the elbow, but a last call hits Magnus and EC3 steals the pin. This was a lot of stuff, but wasn’t particularly good.